Happy Day

At this very moment, I'm just sitting here not working on supplemental application materials for jobs I'm applying for.

God DAMN people want a lot of information in writing. What's a letter of interest if it's not a cover letter? And what the hell is different about a cover letter than a supplemental essay on how your skills and experience make you a good candidate for the position? I mean, considering that's really what you've included in your cover letter. Sheesh! I took a second day off of work to do this crap and haven't made too much of a dent. Okay, vent over.

Otherwise life is good. Twig's performance schedule is OVER! Wahoo! Weekends are free again! Only 4 more Mondays of Second grade. Oh, shit. That reminds me. Spider report is due on Wednesday and I have more work to do! Yes, I have more work to do. 

Who am I again?

Oh, that's right. The woman who took the day off of work (even though she shouldn't have) to work on job applications and my second grade spider report.

Ugh. I just want to go to sleep.

Question of The Week

What will it take, Wonelle?

To move past this place of using old habits or techniques that no longer serve you?

Have you hit rock bottom yet?

There's A Megaphone In My Ear

It began before 5 am. Around 4:30, I'm assuming, as it took a while of seething before I finally looked at the clock.

My mom who's been here since Saturday... I convinced her to stay an extra couple of days (my sister got a babysitter so she could)... Is leaving this morning.

I know she's trying to be quiet and she thinks she's being quiet. But she's not. Every single move she's made since she got up at 4:30am has reverberated through Twigs room, the bathroom, the hall and into my ears like she was standing next to my bed doing whatever the Fuck she's doing. Folding plastic bags, dropping shit on the floor, changing the Fucking toilet paper roll, breathing.

It's terrible, I know, that I'm kind of glad that she's leaving. This trip has been harder on me than all of the others. Maybe because I didn't initiate this one. Maybe because there was no real goal in mind for her. Just visiting.

Maybe it's the intense mood swings I've been having all week that are getting in the way. Yeah, I'm physically exhausted and my hormones are out of whack.

It sure would be nice to blame those things, or a million others. But I can't. The problem lies within me. And her, I guess. Our stuff. History, I'm thinking and I bet my Nice Lady will have something to say about it when we talk this morning.

She asks questions that are inappropriate. She snoops through our shit. She makes negative or judgemental comments about Twig's experience or whatever in front of him. She doesn't pick up on the subtle, and sometimes in-her-face ques to shut the Fuck up. She vacuums without asking if I want her to do it and then expects me to fall all over her for doing so (she probably just wants me to notice). She gets in the middle of my parenting, trying to soften what it is I'm trying to do when softening is unnecessary. She feels uncomfortable and makes whatever is happening about her. It's NOT about her. She doesn't know her own time and space. I don't know how to speak my peace in a way that she will hear and respect my wishes.

I probably haven't been the most fun to be with this week. It's maybe been a little better than I feel. But maybe not. What I am sure of is that everything is loud as Fuck lately.

It's 5:48am and I want some Fucking peace and quiet.

That'll have to wait until tomorrow. She's blow drying her hair.

Too Much

Wood used to say "Girl, you're too much!" To which I'd respond "I'm just right and don't you forget it."

Tonight he made me a whiskey sour. When I finished it, he made me a second. It was a silly evening. We laughed and giggled. I fell asleep with Twig and it didn't matter that his bedtime was after 9pm for the second time this week. He got his homework started and it's late opening tomorrow so we can really sleep in. We enjoyed each other and there was no arguing. Score.

Whiskey, on the other hand... No score. I woke up at about 1:30am with a headache. Belly ache. Congestion. Alcohol induced insomnia. Too much of what I do not need.

Meditation for the rest of this week will focus on: strength, abundance, capability, an open and welcoming environment to move to, health, exercise, diet and self care. Essentially, making well considered choices that are in my best interest.

Somehow, a Whiskey Sour or any of his brethren, aren't on that list. Oh, yeah, they're too much of the wrong kind. Wonelle, don't forget that!

A Little Help

I recently read this article that talked about the idea of creating ones reality and that with a little help from complete strangers, actually DID change their reality!

Won't you read the post over at Silver Raven and let me know if you'd like to partner up with me or another faithful reader from this here blog? I'd totally be up for a little reality shifting. And I am definitely not afraid to ask for help.

http://silverravenwolf.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/this-can-change-your-life-by-g-t-long/

I'll get to work on framing my new reality so that when help arrrives I've got it right and ready to go.

Waves

Life is up and down.

Mothers day and my birthday kinda sucked. It wasn't necessarily bad but it was just as rough as any other Sunday. Laundry, cooking, shopping, kid wrangling. Oh, the kid wrangling!

My mom unexpectedly showed up on Saturday - Wood told me so it wasn't a complete shock. I acted surprised and it made her happy. It makes me happy too, that she's here. Which is why I am having a tough time with my low feeling tonight. There is no "reason" to feel yucky.

It could have something to do with the job I'm applying for being very big (and the girl in my head that thinks I'm not up for it) or the unsuccessful clothes shopping adventure (because my clothes don't fit, I didn't find anything to buy and I can hardly believe I let myself get to this weight).

I have an underlying lack of confidence in myself anymore. It's not familiar and I don't like it one little bit. My Nice Lady says that the Little Wonelle that survived has done a fantastic job keeping things functional - until now. Her strategies aren't working anymore -they never really were, actually. We are seeing and feeling the same stuff we've always seen and felt and our same old responses don't work anymore. The lack of confidence is probably a combination of the old voices talking shit and the more mature voices knowing that the old voices can't keep things together by sheer will anymore.

I haven't been to the gym consistently but I signed up for a 4 week crossfit class that starts next Tuesday (happy birthday, happy mother's day to me!). I hope it is the shot in the arm I need to create community and consistency in my workouts. If it costs more, whatever. I'm worth it.

Wood has been rather aggressive with me and with Twig. Verbally. For example at dinner the other night Twig wanted to talk about the.water fluoridation measure that's on the ballot here. His friends have been talking about it and he is looking for more information on the subject. Wood hates it when he hears "my friend said" because it implies that Twig believes the friend. Wood's tone changes and it sounds angry. I interject and say "May I make an observation?" to which he responds
"NO, YOU MAY NOT." 
"Really? Why is that? Because you sound angry and that's maybe not what you're trying to be" (toward your 8 year old kid that's just learning about peer pressure, what other people think, how to make an informed choice, etc. You Asshat). It's weighing heavily on me. This macho bullshit that comes out of him periodically. I don't like it.

Meditation has been tough to get to. I can't do it if anyone but Wood is awake. However, Twig is starting to understand that when I tell him to be quiet and leave me alone, he must do so. That is good stuff right there.

Work seems to be settling down - people are behaving for the moment. That is good.

Now it is time to hit the gym.

Tuesday Boring

I woke from a scary dream early this morning. In the dream Wood was scared and frightened me. That is all. I gasped myself awake and didn't go back to sleep.

The gym was just fine, once I got there. It seems like I'm weighted down in the warm cozy bed but once I'm moving around its okay. I feel self conscious though, when other people are around, seeing my workout. Whatever, I'm still doing it.

Meditated again today. Turns out, 5 minutes goes fast. And it's harder to concentrate when the boys are doing subtraction and carrying-over  homework in the other room. I figure it's good practice for maintaining calm during real life.

My quest for a new job is manifesting in advertisements to respond to! Thank you Universe. I am prepared. I am worthy. I will talk positively to myself, about myself, for myself. I am strong and capable and there is a better place for me. In the meantime I will do the right thing, even when it's inconvenient.

Me, Me, Me

The Meditation space the Nice Lady and I discussed is all set up. It only took $40 and rearranging the living room; the pieces fell together with surprising ease.

It's a shelf on the book case that I've decorated with a new candle, an orchid (please stay alive!), a picture of something Buddhist-esque, "the hand of God" holding a found penny (find a penny, pick it up...), and a container of sea glass given to me by my best friend whom I haven't seen nor talked to in a good year or more. Not for my lack of trying. But, I digress.

The act of meditation also went better that I expected. Granted, 5 minutes ain't shit, but it's my shit, but I did it decently. It was my first try. I think I may have been a bit more grounded today. I look forward to doing it again tomorrow.

The best part of meditation is that it isn't bothering anyone. I can do it at home. No noise, interruptions, etc. It fits nicely into the family dynamic.

Nothing on the Alanon front yet. I want a new job. I am applying for a job with the county. It's a birthday present to myself. Moving on is important to me. I want to be somewhere that I am appreciated for what I can bring to the table AND bring it to the table.

Gym tomorrow. I can't ask myself if I will go. I have to state that I am going. It's been almost 2 weeks and any gains I'd made (as in weight or inches lost are gone). The personal training the boys will get me for mothers day/my birthday will help. Turns out I don't enjoy doing it alone every time. I'm strangely social when it comes to exercise.

Since I've been up since roughly 2am, it's my time to sleep now.

Be Well!

Weekend Bliss

Friday was super tough. It started with crying at home and continued at my Nice Lady appointment. Probably 2 hours worth when it was all said and done.

My Nice Lady thinks this is "good", that I've hit rock bottom and we can move forward now. I'm 4 months into my commitment to see her weekly for a year.  Things were much harder back in December, I think; crying multiple times a day for no reason. Now I'm just paralyzed by being overwhelmed and responding in a knee jerk fight or flight kind of way for everything. It's like I've got an allergy to people and my mind-body response is hardwired to behave "historically". I'm tired and know it, and I'm responding to those things as-usual, even though they won't work. But tools aren't something I've gathered along the way. 

She suggested two things: meditation (and a space for it at home) and Alanon meetings.

The meditation space I'm 100% in agreement with. Alanon, not so much. The time is hard to come by but I will probably fit it in at lunchtime. I'll suspend judgment until I've gone to a meeting or three.

My plan for the weekend has so far been foiled by unexpected homework assignments, helping a friend move, and an impromptu icecream/wine shin-dig with our neighbors. Each has been lovely. Although hanging with my college friend and his family was tough-ish for me - he and his friend are alcoholic and it wasn't super fun to be around his drunk ass. I wanted to leave soon after arriving. They have their place at the table but it's tenuous for me now. I need something stronger, more steady, fully present.

More homework tomorrow, laundry, grocery shopping, a playdate (hopefully two), a show, and maybe some time for me. I want to hit the gym and work on my meditation space. No matter what, I'm feeling okay. Rather grounded. It could change tomorrow. But for this moment...

Despite the Angst

It is clear that I have so much to be thankful for. And, I am full of gratitude for my boys, among other things. Cuddling them up first thing in the  morning really brings my blood pressure to an even place, makes me feel important, and gives meaning to the internal struggles I face. It's perspective in physical form. It is grounding. It is what I want to focus on!

TGTF - Thank Goodness Tomorrow's Friday

Today was hard. It wasn't all bad, but a bunch of stuff was really intense. Work related of course - things like being expected to produce something for which you have no clear direction, plan, or product goal. Things like smoke and mirrors are tough for me. I like structure, clarity, planning - I thrive amidst a smidgen of linear thinking and that is missing at my job.

I admitted to myself, and my husband that I want out from under my current employer. It's time. Again.

The saving grace of today was that I had to pick up Twig from school at 3pm. The weather was gorgeous, friends hung out on the playground, and chatted. I felt normal for a few minutes.

I need to find myself with no agenda more often, just hanging out. Being.

The stress has been overwhelming. I have no desire to work out or eat. Or have pleasure, it would seem. The not eating anything all day piece is very, very bad. Historical bad. And I've repeated it too many times in the last two weeks. Coffee and adrenaline. Angry and emotional. Irrational (at least in my own head).

It's okay to be overwhelmed. To slow down. To take care of myself.

Tomorrow is Friday and I will see my Nice Lady, work, and then socialize with women friends in the evening. Wood and Twig will have a double-date boys movie night out (Iron Man 3).

We will help friends move on Saturday. Sunday we will see Cinderella as a family with Grandma and one of Twigs friends. It will be fairly low key.

I will work out this weekend. Clean the toilet. Maybe take a nap. That would be luxurious. Regardless, I will partake in some self-care and some self-love this weekend.

Be Well yourself.

Annoyed

With the car key that fell into the slide-guide thingy between the car seat and center console and then wouldn't come out.

My husband, trying to be silly and lighten the mood.

My lack of libido and interest in going to the gym. My pants that are too tough to button, my shirts that are too small. My appetite that is too great.

My boss for throwing me under the bus, making me the potential bad guy rather than making a choice herself. My staffer for being such a bitch. For no reason other than not getting what she wants. For too much work and not enough hours in the day.

Drivers. Pedestrians. Traffic. Political poop heads putting up pooppy political signs on our lawn. School PTA and Foundation meetings.

The struggle. Actually, the lack of movement away from the struggle and toward lightness.

Feeling under the weather. Like I'm congested and getting sick. I'm annoyed with that, too.

I'm cranky!

I really need some light. I'm trying to find it. But now I will go to sleep.

Thank you for wishing me peace. It is good. Helpful. Hopeful. I appreciate it!

Panic Room

The car is my safe place at the moment.

Even though my ears are ringing, I notice I've been clenching my teeth, and I feel that I should apply for a job I found online yesterday, I can't get past picking up a few of my things to prepare to go inside. All I really want to do is give myself a manicure and paint my nails.

I'm feeling anxious at the moment. Lately, actually. It comes on out of nowhere - in the middle of the night, while I'm driving down the street, as I gather my things to walk in the house. In between those moments, my emotions have been vascillating - one moment I'm full of rage or fear of nothing apparent and at other times I'm overtaken by immense gratitude. Sometimes in the span of a day, sometimes minutes.

Now I just sit here in this little car with my feelings, mostly of dread for what I have to do, trying to make sense of things. It feels good to do nothing.

Directions

I should journal more. Read, sleep, laugh, cuddle and have awesome sex more often too.

Shoulds. Woulds. Coulds. Fighting people making me (okay, I'm allowing it) doubt myself. I'm struggling to find the balance between me and work. Personal vs. professional, sharing vs. oversharing, clear vs. directive, listening vs. doing what someone else wants, playing the game vs. being played. I hate this recalibration period I'm in.

One staffer said "I think you are suffering, like in your personal life or something, and taking it out on us."

This is because in the last 3 months, I've asked my staff to account for the number of hours they work each week - on a monthly basis - to ensure they are getting their hours in, and not working too much, flexing appropriately, etc. They don't want to do it because they've never had to before. Because it's always been the Wild Wild West there. At least that's the messaging and my assumption. I may be slightly off on this time tracking bit and I may adjust, ever so slightly.

But the other stuff feels like a manipulative temper tantrum and is much harder to quantify. I ask to talk but don't listen. I never, ever, do what they want. And, apparently, I'm offensive... by suggesting that people brush up their resume and look at what's out there, to apply and interview... to be able to really know what they have and don't have.

I need to keep my mouth shut - fewer Fucking words! Journal, list, take care of myself and go back to sleep! Ack! There's too much to do and not enough time to do it! I want to learn this lesson! Help!

Pesky Little Buggers

Well, I had hoped that once the staffer was fired for poor conduct, first with her colleagues and later with me, that things in the morale arena would improve a bit. It did... for exactly one minute.

The battle is with myself, really. It manifests in discussions -long Fucking-winded discussions- where I explain, defend, and justify my decisions and actions to the extent that I am able and still don't get the right response; I want them to have an an understanding of the constraints I am faced with, an appreciation for the work that I do behind the scenes, and an acceptance of their respective roles.

Instead, they say that I should move my office around because the placement of my desk isn't comfortable for them. One on one supervision should be offsite because it's intimidating to meet with a desk between them and me.

They don't want me to hire another case manager. Because 5.5 hours a week is too much trouble for them - it's not worth it. But they are overworked, unappreciated, and deserve a raise. I take issue with only the unappreciated piece. And wonder how many drinks, lunches or Starbucks gift cards it will take -and how often- I am required to "prove" I care. In my world, a paycheck and *having a job that pays me* is appreciation IN FULL. I could say "kids these days" but one of the people pulling this Crap is older than me.

HEAD LICE SUCKS! Yep, our turn because I turned down the tea-tree-oil-vigilance, Twig was IN-FUCKING-FESTED. Not what I had in mind for this weekend. Nope, 10 loads of laundry and treating and checking scalps was NOT on the agenda.

Which leads me to the final issue... We are spending way too much time doing too many things we don't want to do. We are carting, managing, visiting, hosting, organizing, supporting, communicating, fundraising...making things good for EVERYONE ELSE.

Lice, staff, kids, in-laws... everything is bugging me.

Blow Outs

What an incredibly tumultuous week its been.

An employee I supervise refused to accept the position I hired them to do and my authority - oh there's a bit more to it than that but all I can say about it is that the person had multiple inappropriate tantrums over the past 3 months and in the end was fired.

I nearly lost it yesterday when two pedestrians waited to cross the street, IN THE STREET, blocking my ability to make a right turn. It sparked a long soliloquy about selfishness and many other pent up feelings I've been having about people and my feelings and such.

We went to the store to get a strap for Twigs new glasses that he won't keep on his face. On, off, on, off. Lost, found, lost, searching, found... As we were ready to leave he said he had to use the bathroom. Acer a minute of arguing about home vs. store toileting he convinces me that it's store. After about 10 minutes I had to send Wood in. He'd had a full blow out. Poor kid.

Later he LOST it when we asked him to do his homework. He didn't want to do it. Double digit addition is very hard, I guess. He started off with refusals. Then shortly after flew off into a rant about how he's an idiot, stupid and everyone wants him dead. WHAT? Anyway, he screamed, stomped, cried and slammed doors. Slamming doors sends Wood into a tantrum. He cornered Twig in the bathroom to talk to him. You can imagine how that went. Wood being in a tantrum, cornering the kid in the bathroom, seeing the kid want to leave sends me into a tantrum. Wood says he "done with you both" moves out of the way, Twig leoaves, slams the door, I scream for the slamming. In the end we had each screamed at everyone, and Twig did his homework with my help and for a piece of chocolate. Ugh.

We've been working hard and haven't had anything like this this in a LONG time. We've been under a lot of stress lately. It'll all calm down. Someday.

Boom and BOOM

What a week.

It's been so stressful that I've reached an old pattern - not hungry despite clear hunger pains. Strange to believe that once upon a time, I used to live like that as a matter of course. Granted, it's 25 years later and 1) I've learned a thing or two and 2) I have gained a pound (or 15). That way of living is too hard on my older body. Plus, I've been getting to the gym to work out at least 2 times a week. The scale is moving downward ever so slightly but no worries. It's been one month and these things take time! My clothes will begin to fit better soon and I could give a shit about the number. The goal is to be strong.

I had to terminate an employee yesterday. Even with all of my supposed "experience" it is a gut wrenching decision and process to go through. I am proud to say that I've had to do it only a handful of times.t

It was the right choice for many, many reasons - I learned so much from the school of hard knocks on this one. My thought since "making it so" has been that hopefully, there hasn't been too much damage done. Only to find this note from TUT aka: The Universe:

Every day, Wonelle, you move mountains, touch lives, and perform miracles.

Every day you're a success, a hero, an example.

And every day you change the world for the better.

Actually, there's not been a single day in your life when you've been anything but magnificent.

Just some stuff to think about next time you doubt yourself.

Damn, TUT, and thank you! I really needed to hear that! Happy Friday! I'm off to the gym and then to clean up my messes.

New Project

This is my new project - a visioning journal.

Be near me.

It is understandably human nature, to see yourself as small. Until you stop seeing yourself as human.

Healthy food. Friends at the table. Just two themes presenting themselves so far.

Things sucked this afternoon at work - for 3 hours, until 8pm!. My nice lady would say that since it's hysterical it's historical. I know she has other stuff to say about it, too. I can't remember what it is so I feel stuck, like I'm doing the wrong thing. As opposed to "doing it right". Mired in history that isn't working for me now. I feel stuck. Kinda fearful. Optimistic at the same time.

More to come.

Exercise, Focus and Attention

Workouts... Trying so hard to get into a new routine. Many days over the past couple of weeks have been okay. I've packed my bag, set out my clothes, arranged food and headed out the door at stupid early. Monday and Tuesday have been easier days to go. By Friday, today, I'm beat from the week. Being sick for almost two weeks and having intermittent middle of the night insomnia (a couple of hours here & there of being awake) make it hard to get up. As does not really knowing what the heck I'm going to do once I get there. I will keep plugging along and it will get easier. I am committed to strength and being able to button my pants.

Therapy classes have begun for Twig. Every Thursday for the next 12 weeks. It's really more of a parenting class, teaching kids to be more self-controlled and focused, and giving parents the tools to help their children be successful.

This week I've been on an all day field trip, attended the "friendship" group at school and sat in on the Therapy group. Twig, while definitely a busy kid, is probably not the most affected ADHD around. It makes me feel a bit better seeing and knowing this but also angers me that he is in trouble for his unique learning style. We have formally requested that the school assess him and develop a formal plan to address his needs. We'll see what they have to say. I am looking for another option, too.

I can't quit my job but I sure would like to give more attention to my boy and his needs as opposed to work. I'm trying to figure out how to do it.

*Pitter*Patter*

I love bad boys.

I especially love bad boys that cuss AND cook.

My new favorite site: Thug Kitchen.

Finally!

The auction is over!

I'm exhausted. There's tear down tomorrow. Our laundry hasn't been started. It's Sunday tomorrow.

I think we may have beat a few records and earned more than in years past. Wood and I sure spent a lot.

Note to self: that was successful and good. Better than I imagined it would be. However, no more spending. No more volunteerism. Period.

It's Wonelle time now. End of discussion.

G'Nite.

This Is Truly Collaborative

The school meeting yesterday was much better than last week's shin-dig. No one made any stupid remarks about my kid warranting my transformation into a momma grizzly bear. That in and of itself was a success!

Everyone except Teacher 2 had great suggestions on how to get Twig to a different place than he is now - even Teacher 1 (meaning his first grade teacher). And everyone, save Teacher 2, is open to working together and doing whatever can be done to help turn this around.

Which is what makes the title of this post so hilariously frustrating - it was all that Teacher 2 had so say via email about our last two meetings. Everyone else talked about focus on strategy, Twigs great qualities, hope, etc. She is so very rigid in her thinking and ways that she can't see past the problem to get to a solution. You can see in her face when she is unwilling to even consider a new strategy. She's acting like a 2nd grader herself; she's unwilling to change.

I got in a good dig about "communication" although I didn't do it in that dig kind of way - the information the school collected about Twig's actions during school, and which they presented to us yesterday, is clear and concise: he's an AD/HD kid out of control in school, causing a ruckus everywhere he goes. His teacher can't handle it and it's not going away without some serious help.

Damn if they didn't tell us how terribly out of control and untenable it was until MARCH. We asked the child psychologist about the AD/HD classes in the fall - the only reason we didn't do them in September was because the TEACHER (&*%@?$) DIDN'T COMMUNICATE THE PROBLEMS!

Here we are - thank goodness they offer the 10 weeks of classes in the spring. We are already signed up and guess which teacher JUMPED at the chance to attend the workshops? Not his 2nd grade -current teacher- but Ms. 1st grade. Which is great but ugh.

Yes, we are collaborating on whether this school is the right fit moving forward.

Old or Overdone?

We attended an auction last week. No, sadly, the school auction is this week. Anyway, I saw a photo of myself and boy do I look old.

Boy, do I feel old. Tired to the bone. Achy. Dry skin. Cranky. Always thinking of how "easier it used to be".

Juggling so much is all it is. There's little, if any, processing time. Sleep is almost as much work as work sometimes (growing pains are painful for everyone). I'm overwhelmed by the school auction that I've done little work on, work, the teacher's bullshit, and such. I want to snatch that boy out of school and run away. Instead I'll send him to his Bam and Aunties for almost three weeks after school ends. Actually, two days before school ends. I'm done with 2nd grade.

The gym is paid for but I haven't found the time to set up to go. Thinking about it doesn't count even though I have lost a few pounds from changing my diet. I'm so exhausted where do I get the energy? No matter, I just need to get into the habit of going.

Space will emerge after this weekend. The auction will be over. Spring break is upon us, too so we will get a break from classroom drama. Summer plans are taking shape. Work will be easier with that space but I *can* handle it now.

I'm getting older but not old. I am overwhelmed but not overdone. I am a grownup.

Those Gorgeous Eyes

Twig has been an avid reader since he was a baby. We started with "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", "When Hippos Go Berserk" and other fantastic board book titles when he was just 4 or 5 months old and haven't stopped.

He's always relished the evening time when we lay down together and enter another place and time. It's a chance to connect on a different level than when preparing for or completing the day. There's argument only because he wants us to continue on.

He started reading early. Before kindergarten, maybe at 4 years old actually and enjoyed reading those board books for a minute or two. Nothing, it would seem, compared to Mom or Dad reading aloud. To the tune of Wood read the entire Harry Potter series to him in 9 months about a year ago. It was an impressive pace, that's for sure.

During first grade, and this year for sure, the independent reading activities he's required to do as homework has been quite a battle. He refuses to do the 20 minutes without serious consequences. It is impacted by the fact that he hates his teacher and she certainly doesn't like him (but that's another post I don't have time for right now) but it has been a bit of a head scratcher for us.

Technology is one of those things that he's always up for so I got the brilliant idea to offer up my kindle a few weeks ago. He was excited to read and did so for a couple of minutes when suddenly he began to complain that it was hard to read the words. I thought it a bit strange but changed the font size for him and do you know what happened? That child read Harry Potter for more than an hour without complaint - two days in a row!

I mentioned to Twig that he could need glasses, given our experiment and his newfound love of reading (was it the kindle or his eyes, I wondered aloud). His teacher reportedly told him that the thought of him needing glasses was "just an excuse". Needless to say I took him to the optometrist as soon as possible. It was unfortunate that it couldn't happen before our parent teacher conference that was moved up a week because of his problems with the teacher, but I digress.

The boy is nearsighted; while his prescription is slight, and the doctor said optional, glasses will help him to see things close up. He chose blue frames to match mine. Aww, that's so sweet!

I'm excited for the world that will be opened up for him by less struggle and strain to do close up work. And even more excited to toss the "excuse" in the teachers face come the Parent Teacher Conference this Thursday.

Wild & Woolly

Here's what we've been up to: one "bad" behavior report from school, one parent teacher/counselor/school engagement counselor conference, one eye doctor appointment, diagnosis of far sightedness and selection-of-glasses process, and a cold mixed in between one missed personal training appointment, one Individual Education Plan development training, one school foundation presentation to the Sons of Norway, preparation for the school auction and attendance at the Children's Theater auction. Yes, this is stuff happening before and after work. It's been an intense week!

My belly is bugging me something fierce these past several weeks. Some digging found that this gall bladder issue, if that's what it is, started 7 years ago. When I had an ultrasound, it found a spot on my kidney that was supposed to be checked regularly but wasn't because I wasn't told that anything needed to be done. Ugh. I saw a Naturopathic Dr. a couple of weeks ago, made some dietary changes per her recommendations and she ordered CT reports from my appendix  emergency room visit. The hope is that they got a good image of my gall bladder and kidney, that further imaging is not needed. The good news is that the type of spot on my kidney is a 9mm fat cyst only problematic if it gets really big. It's probably nothing to worry about.

The other good news is that I have been feeling better as a result of the dietary modifications; no wheat, dairy, coffee, eggs, pork or onions. It's healthier and whenever I've made a mistake, the culprit is obvious. And the scale has gone down by 10 in about a week and a half. That works for me.

Well, the family is beckoning me to eat breakfast. I should oblige. Good times are key to our happiness.

Who's That Girl?

She's married to Wood and her son is Twig. She and her husband are a team that communicates, works together, plans for the future and has a pretty good life. Sure, there are tough grown up circumstances that challenge them but they can handle it.

Twig gets most of what he needs. They wonder if it's too much but plug along as parents do, trying to shape a good hearted, thinking person; they do what they can to attend to his social and deep emotional needs. Which happen to be intense lately.

The boy says he has magic powers - if he thinks something it happens. When it doesn't, it's just because he didn't do a good job at predicting the future. Wonelle tells him she's got magic, too. Everybody does, they just don't listen to it. She tells him about energy. He tells her that his magic can only happen once, that's why it isn't consistent. She reminds him that Harry Potter and all of his friends repeat the same magic over and over. It can be done with some practice (maybe not willing things to happen with your mind but hell, who am I to say?).

She attends to his needs, her husband's needs, work, household chores both mundane and out of the ordinary. She has energy, stamina, drive. Strength, purpose, fortitude. Perhaps it's Mercury on her side. Or just a spot of magic that's been hiding out of view for a spell.

No matter, she feels like herself today (or is it the last few days) - or at least some version of capable and comfortable in her own skin. It feels good. She knows she's on the right path. She is the same-old Wonelle (just weari.g bi-focals), that's who.

MishMashMoshUp Dream

I woke up from this awesome dream a few minutes ago. In it, wood and I moved to a new garden apartment, with Mistress Maggie and Twig (who in the dream was my niece Butthead). We had lots of neighbors with pets - cats, dogs, and wildly decorated cockatoos. The birds decor was often a source of income, if it was.good enough, they'd get upwards of $150.

There was no stress in my dream. Even for potentially stressful things like when I couldn't find the litter box and the kid left without saying where w/he was going. Not an ounce of worry even despite the fact that we had just moved.

Wood was at work.

There were people everywhere even though we were in a very private place. Friendly, happy, helpful friends that it seemed I'd known all of my life. Maybe this is astral travel again? One friend gave me directions around town along with pointers, I jogged with at least one or two others. The running was great!

We lived by the beach.

That is all I can muster at the moment. But it was beautiful to be among friends. To feel safe and comfortable, especially in a new place..

Snoopy

Woods all time favorite cartoon character. The role Twig plays in his upcoming theater performance. What I have allowed myself to become.

The question I keep repeating is whether this "need" I have is something to be investigated further, a wild goose chase, a means to sabotage my relationship, or mental illness?

I have not been able to fall back to sleep since putting Twig down. My stomach hurts a bit, funky throat feelings this evening, stress about work and my mind won't turn off about Sarah. Not her, per se but the concept of infidelity. Even despite what I know about my husband - that he is uber loyal and faithful, even when it does not serve him to do so.

I let the bad voices take over - went and poked around email. Turns out there's nothing and yet I can't seem to turn it off.

Really, Wood doesn't deserve my sneaking around to look at his stuff. Neither do I. It's unfair.

Dear Snoopy,
Q U I T.
There's nothing to see here. It's okay, you're not lying to yourself. Besides, if you are, it will be made clear to you. Deal with it then.
L

Fertile To Boot

I can't totally shake the fear and loathing of Sarah. Wood's old and new phone email, text, and photos were clear of any damning evidence, save the steamy porn featuring oral sex (which I have issues with providing) on the old cell phone, with regard to Sarah or the other work colleague I freaked out about. I came clean - told him of my teenage antics looking at his stuff and how insanely out of control I feel about the whole thing.

Have I mentioned lately that I also feel like he's the best guy in the whole wide world and how lucky I am to have him as my husband? He could have freaked out, stomped, yelled, screamed, or reacted otherwise poorly to my accusation-line-of-questioning-insecurity. But he didn't.

He was noticeably upset by the audacity of it all because, after all, he's a one woman man. But he listened. Intently. Caringly. With grace, humility, and respect.

All the qualities that led me to marry him were there through those conversations. They've been lying dormant with respect to me  for a while. It was nice to see and experience them first hand. It has definitely been good in myriad ways.

We've were going at it intensely since the confrontation last week - as in something insane like 5 out of 7 days of super hot, hot, hot wonderful! Granted we were unencumbered while in Vegas but it continued when we returned home - late nights and early school-mornings. We haven't been that amorous since we F I R S T started dating.

I wonder if I'm insecure AND fertile. Okay, add bat-shit-crazy to the list of what I am because despite all of the good, the talking, steamy sex and such, I'm not completely confident that its "over". He's a tight lipped guy. Maybe he's just really good at keeping a secret, an excellent liar, and I'm just seeing what I want to see?

Thanks for listening.

Embarrassed

We walked through the festival and found our seat among the people in attendance. Wood had his beer. At the table, we talked as did the others. Our conversation was about That Witch - I accused her of being a Witch and of taunting Wood and me in bad ways. The tone was fine for a bit and suddenly changed - I got angry. I yelled and swiped my hand across the air, catching his plastic beer cup. It bent. Wood was surprised. The others at the table stared at me. I apologized buy wanted to shrink away and not be seen.

Except for the physical and verbal outbursts, I think this dream is a recap of what happened between Wood and I with regard to his colleague and my insecurity. Throughput the night, it kept repeating itself - in my lucid mind - as if to not forget this. To show me how outrageously immature I had been and how I had embarrassed myself and my husband. As if to say "it's not over", at least for you, Wonelle. And probably for him, too. See what his friend from work gave him upon his return to the office? Perhaps his colleague that sat a few rows in front of us heard our conversation and told his work friend? I

It seems like it should be over. I'm just wondering if its really over. Clearly, there's some embarrassement to work through.

Fractured Sleep

Since our trip, my sleep has been light. I'm on alert as it were, extra sensitive to Wood - his breathing is waking me from very dreamy places full of intrigue and work. Figurative and literal intrigue and work.

Last night we had pizza with lots of arugula piled on top for dinner. I had chips & salsa before dinner. Lots of wine. Except for the chips & salsa, the same on Friday night. My stomach was heavy, kind of queasy early on both Friday and last night. I wonder if it's the food I've ingested. Maybe its that combined with feeling like my entire constitution is off-kilter. Coming off the flu a tiny bit still and vestiges of Vegas all over the place - dry (sandpaper like) skin, athletes foot, a need for vegetables and a few good poops.

Besides that, there is a lot on my mind:

1. The work I'm doing with my Nice Lady. She recommended a book - How to be an adult in relationships (Ricoh). The focus, apparently as I haven't started reading yet, is about being present.

2. Twig has been very weepy and whiny the last couple of days. He needs more than usual amounts of encouragement and processing time from me. School has been exceptionally hard for him over the past few weeks as he's on a "behavior plan" in the classroom and we've set very tough consequences for failure to perform - as in loss of all extra curricular activities. I'm not totally keen on the teacher right now as she's made some hefty suggestions about his behavior meaning he can't stay at the school. His academics are fine. Except that she's marking those down because of behavior. She hasn't talked to us about these things until it reached critical mass. I won't have it. I love him to pieces.

3. I'm very, very behind at work and going in for 3 hours on Saturday didn't really help much with catching up. My boss continues with her antics of inappropriate boundaries, comments and such. I attended a meeting on my last day of vacation where she felt as though I hurled a personal affront toward her when I said that I thought we should have our management team retreat on more neutral territory (she had said we'd do it at her house). My newest and longest employed staff are not getting along after 3 weeks on the job. Yelling. I'm having to spend time facilitating therapy sessions, setting clear boundaries for behavior in the workplace and threatening swift and severe consequences for failure to be civil.

4. Wood and I have talked at length about "Sarah" and I think weP both have realized that she's a symbol or symptom of something bigger - mostly the fact that we have forgotten to be in a relationship with each other because we have focused so much on everyone else's needs. Talking openly has led to other openness, feeling much more connected and present with each other. Since I have only one true reader, I can also say that the talking and presence has very, VERY positively affected my libido. It hasn't been this steamy since we were a brand new couple.

5. Oh, the school auction. I often wish I hadn't signed up to help. My lofty goals of raising money have been usurped by the reality of working full-time, raising a busy, bounce kid and balancing those things against my own mental/physical/emotional health. It's okay - people on the committees get it. That gives me the space to be gentle on myself.

Happy Sunday. I'm off to the craft store, a birthday party, and a children's theater show today. Laundry and cleaning in between. I need to get on it now! The day's a wasting.

Dear Sarah

It was a pleasure to meet you this weekend at the conference. Wood has said great things about you and your work - that you are smart and energetic, someone that he is glad to be able to learn from in his professional life.

Perhaps we got off to a bad, if not odd, start. It certaily was strange to me, to be introduced to you and for your response to be that you were uncomfortable about our meeting. And why I pointedly asked "Really, why?" The statement got my hackles up and my gut queasy but I told myself it wasn't anything to think too much about.

However, that was not the only odd interaction between you, my husband and I over the weekend. If it were, I probably wouldn't be writing this letter. Try as I may, though, something about the way you interacted with my husband and me wasn't right. It was weird. It was all wrong.

It was like there was something very personal happening for you with regard to Wood - the way you avoided eye contact and any conversation with me, essentially being near my husband and leaving whenever I arrived said you were too comfortable with him and uncomfortable with us (him & me together, and just me) all at the same time.

Our final interaction at the luncheon - where you didn't say anything to me (granted I didn't use my assertiveness skills to say hello to you or anyone else at the table) and where I picked up an ever-so-slight glance Wood gave you upon my arrival to the table...combined with you not responding to my attempt to engage you in conversation during lunch...and a look you gave me...perhaps it was the slight cock of your head when after lunch we talked so briefly about how this was the celebration of our anniversary; this weekend because the actual weekend is full of family obligations (you mentioned sans child, so you know we are a family) - this combination of interactions sent up red flags and bells-a-ringing. I wanted to talk to you, to get to know you because of the good things Wood has said as well as the clear discomfort between us. It would have been good to have had some time to talk and get to know each other. There was time. You were disinterested.

Our meeting(s) has stirred up some latent and supremely powerful feelings - suspicion, contempt, jealousy, and fear - that my husband of nearly 10 years hasn't been faithful to me.

This letter is in part to tell you that these strange interactions have been a blessing in disguise. They pushed us to open our lines of communication, talk about the things that make our marriage worthwhile - the good, bad and indifferent - and that keep us together. It has reminded us of our need and DESIRE to BE TOGETHER. That is sometimes difficult to remember - the years definitely make us stronger but it takes a lot of work, too.

Sarah, you lifted a mirror up to me so that I could see my stuff. It's hefty. It's complicated and threatening. As scared as I was to ask and possibly get an answer I didn't want (or worse, get the answer I did want but didn't believe), I asked my husband whether anything inappropriate has ever happened between you and him "Did you ever touch her, dance with her, kiss her or otherwise do anything with her that I wouldn't want to see?" No. "Did she ever do anything to you that wouldn't be considered okay?" No. His email, text and phone history confirm that he hasn't had contact with you outside of conferences. I otherwise have no reason to distrust him. Besides, he really is the most loyal person I've ever known. To his detriment at times (that's another topic best left for another day). His commitment to me is clear - however, despite all of that I know that people are fallible, relationships are fragile, affairs happen and when they do it's rarely planned. I also know that people don't automatically tell the truth in these kinds of situations. I believe him when he says he has never been unfaithful to me but I'm also a realist.

This letter is also to tell you that I saw you, Sarah. Wood didn't, and probably doesn't see you in the same way. He's too proper and professional to say so, even if he did. I'm more like Rupaul who said "I always try to come from a place of love but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker."

Here's the breakdown: Make no mistake; I saw you and you have no claim to Wood. Intermittent professional contact is the extent of it. I saw you. Get my husband out of your head. Wood is off limits, always has been, always will be. I saw you and want you to know, if it isn't already abundantly clear, I will protect my marriage and family at all costs.

In time you will find someone. He'll be amazing because you clearly have good taste in men. If it can happen for me, it surely can happen for you.

Thanks for this, Sarah. It has been nearly cathartic. I do look forward to the opportunity to meet you again.

Sincerely,

L

Sarah

There's a young woman, in her early 20's, that Wood has become friends with through his attendance at work conferences over the past couple of years. I got to meet Sarah this week. I have a bad feeling in my gut about her, and Wood.

She came up to us on the first night of the conference and said hello to Wood, a couple of other people and me. In doing so, she rolled up on him and grabbed his arm as if he was her date, smiling happily in the way Women Who Like Men do. I was immediately introduced and she was instantly uncomfortable, saying something to the effect of "Oh, wow, I feel uncomfortable now." Not "It's nice to meet you". My response was rather direct with "Oh, really, why?" As if to say quite clearly "What the fuck do you have to be uncomfortable for?" She chatted for a few minutes and walked away.

Throughout the conference, which I participated in a fair amount, she was nearby Wood - until I was there. When she was hanging out with him and I was there, she essentially refused to interact with me. At the final luncheon, I was late, and when I arrived, there they were, sitting next to each other. She didn't look at me, didn't say hello and left the table as soon as she could.

I'm fuming angry because dancing and other traveling events where Wood wasn't available are talking to me. Granted, I'm feeling bad about myself. I've been cheated on. And I'm coming up on my 10 year wedding anniversary, thinking that my husband has fooled around with a conference buddy.

What's wrong with me?

Ten

Sans kid, we are celebrating 10 years of marriage in the opposite setting that we celebrated our union... our honeymoon was spent in a low end, $40/night room in the southern part of Costa Rica. Maybe it says something about where we are in our lives now...10 years later we're in glitzy, glamorous, opulent Las Vegas, baby!

Wood has a conference this week and I'm tagging along because I've never been to Las Vegas before. Since I'm working on the auction and that event is the weekend of our actual anniversary, we're celebrating early.

We rented a car today and took a ride out to Hoover Dam, walked and drove the strip, took a bath in the jacuzzi tub, and finished off with a lovely dinner at Bouchon (Cork in French). We ate so much that we didn't have room for dessert.

Hoover Dam was simply amazing and makes me think that it is a glaring example of what makes the United States a great place. It was built in a time when we took great risks and did amazing things.

Las Vegas, the strip in particular, is a glaring example of what is wrong with our country, culture, world. What is it that has us (the proverbial us, Wood and I aren't drinking that Cool Aid) believing that "this" is living?

Speaking of living, we want the next 10 to be full of laughter, family and friends. Work hard work, play harder.

The next few days Wood will be working and I'll be mostly on my own. There are few things on my list - exercise and reading. Whatever else happens, happens. I'm glad to be celebrating 10 years. Sometimes I feel like a fraud of a wife.

Flu

Twig has been sick since Tuesday. He woke up, told us about his White Sash promotion the night before and promptly told me he thought he had a fever. Fifteen minutes later it was 100 degrees and climbing. It stayed with him off-and-on until Wednesday night and finally turned into sniffling. He's still down.

Wood was sick last week, following Twig being out for three days. Same deal - headache, fever, no appetite. Somehow I didn't get it.

Until today.

Well, starting yesterday my throat was a bit odd and in the evening my asthma flared pretty fiercely. It was tough to fall asleep because of the albuterol treatment and once I woke this morning, I couldn't move. By 10am I had a fever of close to 101 and was crying about it in the doctors office. Fever makes me completely incapacitated.

I've got my codeine cough syrup and my tamiflu and my layers of clothes to keep me warm. Twig has Netflix to keep him occupied. Please let Wood be free from this! We have Las Vegas nest week.

Family

Crooked Nose Tom was hurt. My inability to be available to him at one moment in time was such a personal affront that he never spoke to me again. It is a pain that I still carry - he didn't come to my wedding, he never met his grandson, he died much too young. On the other hand, he left me his baby sister, Shirl, and she visited us last weekend.

It was such a lovely visit, too! She came in on Friday and we had a couple of hours to chat. We spent much of the weekend eating and chatting about her daughter and grandkids, how such similarities exist between the kids.

There is a feeling of belonging when she is near. It makes me glad that we are family. I love that she is willing to be here, spending time doing monotonous daily activities, and that she enjoys it. She is easy to be with and I love her to pieces.

Shhh

Yes, I've been quiet. But In the best kind of way!

I really like my Nice Lady. Except that her fees are out of pocket and it has caused a discussion about money, that is.

I met my friends from Cali in Ashland last weekend. And visited my Uncle and Aunt who live there, too. It was luxurious, calming, quiet and oh-so-good for my soul.

Work is work...but there are tough issues being discussed, decisions being made, and opportunities for personal and professional growth and development being provided. It's still a love hate thing but it pays the bills. It's stressful but palatable and that's enough right now. I've also applied for jobs periodically. Not feeling 100% trapped helps.

The auction is 7 weeks away. I can't wait till it's over. My friend seems to be okay with what I've been able to contribute - as little as it is. I'm also doing my best to forgive myself for not having done more, given more. For being human! No, I won't do this again.

Wood and I are not struggling as much as we were. As much as I was. He is processing tough stuff, too. We are on a similar path. I have admitted to myself and to him my mistakes - that I have not allowed him to be my partner as much as I should have. That I have become Bam and without even realizing it, set him up to play out the same play from my childhood. We can make this whatever we want it to be. We will make it good!

Twig is struggling in school -socially and academically- and we have agreed that he needs fewer extra curricular "fun", more academics, and that the current school set up isn't working. We will very take him out of choir and that will lessen many burdens. He's currently got martial arts 5 days each week, acting every Saturday, and choir on Thursday. The spring performance schedule is off the hook. We will think about and explore school problems and solutions more.

My aunt from my dad's side is coming to visit this weekend and I'm so excited! Last she was here was 2 years ago - when here was there. It will be fun.

It's now time for sleep! So that I can prepare for the continued busy-ness.

Pushing Boundaries

In typical fashion, my boss reneged on the plan we made last night. While I wholeheartedly agree with the reasoning, the underlying issue still remains: the process is not authentic, she cannot be trusted, she's wishy-washy.

Skepticism is a Virtue.

I asked if I was being disrespectful or rude in my communications. If my messages weren't okay. That expressing any of it was in no way shop or form comfortable. I continue to be present in my Truth, communicating the error of her ways, explaining that "feeling heard" isn't enough. There needs to be action, too. She doesn't get it.

Since I've been pushing all manner of comfort zones, I attended a women's business networking group tonight. Met several people, talked business, pushed the school auction. I've not been doing as much for that as I should. But whatever. At one point in the evening, I swear I had a hot flash. It was probably being overwhelmed with all of the stretching I'd done today. Hell this month.

It's way past my bed time. And clearly I need my energy for tomorrow.

Ah-mayz-ing!

Strangely, my office move didn't go to the Management Team Meeting to die. Even more strangely, there was open, honest talk at today's meeting. Off the charts amazing was the plan that we developed for dealing with the shit culture of the agency in a proactive, thoughtful, change oriented way. That I get to facilitate.

Of course, my inner critic still isn't quite sure that this is really happening or that what I've said won't bite me in the ass come tomorrow. I always have the feeling I'm going to be fired at any moment. Guilt for working below my capacity, I suppose.

In my truth I was respectful and very honest at the same time. Fuck anyone that says otherwise. I'm still afraid of being fired. And, while I'm committed to what I'm doing now - even working on goals moving forward, I'm still looking for another job.

I don't trust that my boss gets "it" or understands. She obviously understands something or she wouldn't be where she is. At the same time she's so malleable that she's a bit like silly putty. We end up being told that if we want something badly enough we should take it on and make it happen.

Yippeekayayymuthafucka.

Sunday, Sunday

PMS must be settling in. I can't get passed the feeling of dread for Monday. Got out of pajamas at 2 this afternoon. I waited so to avoid getting undressed in the cold, and because I can't seem to shake the 'I hate my body' blues.

Clearing off my dresser was freeing - it took all if 5 minutes to put everything away. Hanging out with Twig and doing MadScience with him was fun. He was at his best when we were working together on mixing, measuring, and pouring potions. He listened. I taught. Wood rocked out with headphones and worked, yelling if Twig came anywhere near him.

I thought it would be fun to go to a kids karaoke event. Wood is anti. Says its money related. It doesn't matter, I guess, that it could have been fun for Twig. Wood was anti playdate at our house yesterday, too. So, this afternoon, we'll take Wood's bike in, visit Wood's mom, and do what Wood wants.

At least that's how it feels. He newest iteration is that he's going to head to the park for a bit and I'm going to get some retail therapy. Somehow money for fat clothes is okay. Family entertaining less so.

Cough

I had this crazy idea recently about eggs. We go through so many of them, about a dozen each week, and I save the cartons (along with toilet paper rolls, corks, etc.) for the school art teacher. The empties are currently stacked about 8 high on top of my fridge. When I saw this pile of empties the other day it occurred to me that saving the carton alone was kinda wasteful - I should be saving the shells, too! You know, blow the egg out of a hole so the egg can be decorated.

I had this vision of taking egg shells, fully intact to school, in their cartons, for the kids to make fragile ornaments, Faberge style creations, or the like. I felt so proud. The art teacher, surprised and impressed.

So, we had breakfast for dinner last night. Chorizo and eggs.

I began with a pin sized hole on both ends of the egg as the onions sauteed in olive oil. Blowed gently. Blowed harder. Blowed to no avail. The egg shells were so flimsy they broke.

After two eggs, I quit. The onions were quite translucent, it was closing in on 7pm (which is way too late for dinner in the first place), and the egg whites, a bit on my hands, a bit in my mouth, was kinda grossing me out a bit.

As I finished the egg blowing, a cough came on...

It was the kind of cough that is unexpected, from something that is unexpectedly there. Lodged in a space you can't quite remember ever having noticed before. And it suddenly was there, making me gag (could this be a teeny tiny egg shell?) - quite intensely, too.

Hack-gag-cough!

Whoa, what was that? My leg is soaking wet! And a chunk of something that is absolutely NOT an egg shell simultaneously came out of my throat.

Eww...Um...Eww...Oh, my...

Yes, I pissed myself.

Off Switch, Please

Who knows how to turn off the chatter that happens in their head? Sometimes, there is absolutely nothing I can do to turn it off. It's mildly obsessive, this line of thinking, and I hate that it has me awake tonight.

It is an office move that has me frustrated. I initiated this move, one staff person is unhappy about it. My boss has approved it. As I work out the details of it with another staff person today, it seems as though it is all humming along. And then I get an email from said 'another staff person' with my boss as the only other recipient on it that we have to discuss this potential move, the impact on those involved, and blah, blah, blah at a management team meeting.

I don't mind discussing at a management team meeting except that these meetings are generally the place where things go to die. AND this "Team" has NEVER made such decisions in the past. My boss doesn't even know what the "Team" does.

I hate my job. Not my work. Not the people, per se. But I hate it THERE (in truth I've hated it there since day one)! My boss can't make a decision and stick with it to save her life. Nobody talks honestly about anything, everybody talks behind each others' back, and decisions aren't decisions - they are reactions.

These are all qualities I earnestly work to avoid as they are short sided, poorly constructed decisions that serve only individuals in the short term. So, I find myself infuriated on a regular basis by the behavior. It can't be changed, can't be cajoled, can't be persuaded by logic. Say yes then think.

What has me awake and thinking is that this "Team Meeting" will be the forum that I'm told this can't be done after all. This is how my boss gets away with not really saying no, even though the decision has been broadcast to the entire staff as something that will be happening. She'll couch it in finances, disruption, or some other bullshit. And again, I'll have been undermined and made further ineffectual in my capacity as "Program Director". 

I'm already angry - I can't be sure exactly how this will play out but this is just another iteration of the process (that isn't really a process) there. What I'm really struggling with is how to let it go and not let it bother me. The decision, the change, the new decision. The bullshit.

My boss told me a few months back that I was being rude, disrespectful, and an obstructionist; we were discussing a similar issue of how to get enough people the places, tools and spaces they need to do the work. I didn't want to drop the issue and pressed her to answer the question of how I was to do what she asks of me without the people I ask to do the work having the tools they need to do the job. Apparently, since we don't have the money to make such changes, we shouldn't even talk about how we might address them. Total. Waste. Of. Time.

Hey, I heard her loud and clear when she dropped this on me, having never ever mentioned it before. She was probably right, though. I am angry that people don't see it my way, that I don't play the manipulation game better, that I thrive in a structured environments where expectations and boundaries are clear. I have to be a lemming to make it there and a lemming I am not. I am close to completely giving up because I am not able to shine. In this place I must... Think not. Ask not. Care not. Except when it's my boss's idea.

Now I need to figure out how to turn off the chatter in my head because it is impossible. Become one with that reality. Learn to seem like a lemming. Make a plan and respectfully, honorably move on.

Something Big

Many triggers lately have me feeling so very vulnerable. With such limited time for reflection, thought and planning, I'm very overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Not stymied, not necessarily afraid, maybe those things and more, but definitely overwhelmed.

Wood's tendency to explode and be mean, particularly toward Twig, when he's angry and overwhelmed were excessive for me this weekend. I feel like an 8 year old and a grown woman at the same time, protecting my child, negotiating for myself, parenting everyone. Paralyzed by memories that are 35 years old and simultaneously being played out in my livingroom.

A wonderful healer friend and I chatted for a long time today. She coaches people, does body work, and, in terms of much of her life, has a similar story to mine. Our visits are always cathartic and today was no exception.

I, bravely but not so fearlessly, expressed to Wood my unwillingness to  continue along this path we've been traveling. Wood said he "felt like you are telling me something big". I was. That the vision I had is not the vision I'm living and the two visions must get closer together. I told him much more subtly than here that I can not continue like this.

He asked if I was saying that I don't want to be with him anymore. "Absolutely the opposite." I want to be with him with all of my heart, just not in the way we have often been, particularly as a family unit - angry, blaming, hurt, reactionary - unhappily and as if we don't like each other more often that not.

He became martyr-ish, like he often does, so at that point I ended the conversation. Not productive. Not interested. In the end I expressed that if he so desires, he might consider taking care of himself and looking at what happens for him in times of parenting/marital stress - because he wants to do so for himself, not just because I'm asking him to join me on this journey.

My eyes are almost swollen shut from all of the crying. I'm an emotional mess because I am afraid of where this will lead us. Hopefully, as we approach our 10 year wedding anniversary (and my desire to have a vow-renewal ceremony in the spring), someplace of connectedness and aligned vision/focus/direction for the next 10 years.

My commitment to my family is strong. However, I refuse to get lost in that commitment. We have some Big work to do.

Here We Are

Another year, Gone.

As quickly as it has gone, I would like to say: Dear 2012, please let me hold the door as you find your way out. Goodbye and a little bit of good-riddance to you, too. You weren't my favorite year to date. Nor were you the worst so far.

May 2013 bring with it clarity, direction, and growth. A use for New Years resolutions, the focus keep them for longer than a day and wherewithal to meet them in the end.

May our suffering be manageable, not overwhelming, and only  fleeting in this lifetime. May travel be our newest vice,  compassion and love our guiding light. Strength to live in Truth our greatest ally.

The here and now are all we have, may we always make it worth our while.

More Grounded

Who authorized return from vacation on Christmas Eve? Not me.
Despite being mad, okay, really mad, and a by resentfugl that Wood would show up only moments before it all came together to take all the credit for all of my hard work, it turned out I was more glad he was home than upset he had been gone and all the work his absence (the week before Christmas) required of me.

I think that the holiday actually helped us with what is usually a difficult transition - back to family unit. Because he had checked out for a week he was then relaxed, happy, and attentive. The holiday meant that we didn't have to fall immediately back into the usual school and work routines and that's always nice.

I have approached life from a rather numb state lately, not engaging like usual. Wood noticed it and asked what was/is going on with me. I blurted out "I saw a Nice Lady" when Twig wasn't around and couldn't hear what we were talking about. You know, my perception of reality is so skewed lately that timelines aren't working quite right. I'm going to call 'Creative License' here and say the two incidents were separate. He was very pleased that I'd done so. Until he heard about the cost/no insurance issue. But he understands, too, how ease of use and coordinated care are monumentally important right now. If its really an issue, I'll get a referral to someone who does accept insurance when the time is right.

We have talked a fair amount and I feel heard. About both my psychosis and real things. The only thing that has shifted, really - at least I think, is my approach.

Maybe not, however. Wood has always been there for me. I didn't realize how much I depend on him to keep me focused. How much more solid and capable I feel when he's around.  How committed to my marriage and family I am.

We three are a team. The most important team I've ever been on. It's beyond comforting.

Crunch Time

The Nice Lady is part of the Child Psychologists office. She's working on her licensure so clinical hours are not billable on insurance but the cash rate is comparable to the co-pay that we'd pay. Her background is helping moms with postpartum depression, bonding, past trauma and the like.

I like her energy. A lot.

Granted it's her job... she was nonplussed by the fact that I didn't complete the intake form completely. She asked the questions on the form and as painful as it was, I was honest. Depressed? Check. Tearful? Check. Sleeping problems? Check. Anxious? Check. Lethargic? Check.

When I put it all together, say it out loud, re-read these entries, and reflect on my recent conversations with the kid doc, it's all so clear. My state of mind makes sense.

It's not just Crunch Time. I'm in crisis. Full blown close to completely losing it. And I didn't get the extent of it until now.

What are my goals, she asked. To learn how NOT to cry at work, to process out loud, and to develop some self-care skills that I'm able to maintain consistently, even when things get rough.

It hurts like hell. But I know I'll get through this.

Appointment

Friday I see a new Nice Lady.

The Gift

In the archives of this blog, I believe there's a post entitled "First Love". It's the story of a young girl who is belittled by her lover in a most cruel and abusive way. She finds her inner strength and in the end, leaves permanently.

Fast forward 24 years.

She sits in the doctors office and listens to him say "Moms whose boys hit them almost always have something, abuse or trauma that is underneath."

She recalls and retells the story. How she heard his mother being abused. And until today, didn't get that NOT leaving at that very moment was because she had heard her mother being abused.

She is still learning to not be abused.

It hurts.

Bloody Effing Headache

Came on with a vengeance tonight.

It wasn't long after I noticed the yucky feeling creep into my chest, the one where I feel badly, and also noticed that I've been feeling that bad, tuck feeling many times each day. And I don't like it.

So I cried.

There is a lot to cry for lately. It is okay to feel things for people I have never met. To mourn the tragedy and loss of others. To feel loss Some whose story I know, others I don't.

I want to curl up, go away, check out. I'll just cry.

Massacres

Really, people, the collective "We" don't have a gun control problem or a mental health problem, per se. Those are important issues but it so much bigger than that! We have a social problem wherein people have been conditioned to think as little as possible and as a result, believe that they should have whatever they want whenever they want it and if they don't get it can and should act upon their feelings without consequence. I am sad for the horror inflicted upon innocents (and those that aren't innocent) - horrors that don't make it to the news daily and that can conveniently be ignored by those of us who choose to do so. The existence or absence of religion isn't responsible. Guns aren't responsible, mental illness is not responsible, poor parenting isn't responsible. ALL OF US ARE. In our unwillingness to hear other points of view or compromise for the good of ALL people, we are all culpable. And it will eventually ruin each and every one of us.

Alarm Clock

Wood sets his alarm for 5am. Every day.

Every day, the alarm starts its soothing song off oh-so-quietly as and, save maybe one day in 10, I'm wide awake before he begins to stir enough to respond.

I don't really mind being awake at 5am. Not being able to fall back to sleep is bothersome. Actually, this dance has been hard for me for some time. When I'm having bouts of insomnia, or when the kid is sick or over tired and in bed with us it's stressful for me.

I asked this morning... Why do you set your alarm so early and not get out of bed? I decide if I'm going to get up when I hear the alarm. And sometimes I do get up... But usually, you just wake me up... Yep... Que snoring or loud breathing.

He recently asked me what I want for Christmas and I told him 'days-of-the-week underpants'. What I really want is for him to get out of bed when the alarm goes off so I can go back to sleep.

Ha!

First Point of Contact

A colleague today, while chatting with a client, mentioned some agency business including heir disdain for another colleague. How the other person was hated and spoiled. Flabbergasted, I decided to be the whistleblower, to report the issue. It's not the first time that inappropriate things have been said to visitors to the office and while everyone is entitled to their opinion, it should never be said to a client. I have to confront the person tomorrow, to give respect to my fellow co-worker and take ownership for it. Of course, I'm having whstleblowers-buyers remorse. Add that to a whole lotsa angst about being really super far behind in my work, my favorite employee giving notice, and still wanting to work elsewhere with few options for doing so.

We are in the thick of Twigs performance schedule. Rehearsal here, show there. Cancel this, get to that. Run, run, run. We continue to work on his brat attitude with the assistance of a great child psychologist who somehow calls all of us out on our stuff and coaches us toward where we need to be with such ease it's amazing. The homework isn't as simple. I'm tired and stressed.

My body and I are at odds with one another. Extra weight from inactivity isn't feeling good at all and I've given myself permission to be lazy. It's too much to force myself to be so good all the time. One green smootihe each day is my current goal. So far I'm about 9 for 10. Those are good stats in my world.

My new OB/GYN office and I are becoming quite familiar with one another. I've now met two of the doctors in the practice and unfortunately, am certain that I'll meet one of these two again in the nearish future. My lady problems aren't clearing up with traditional treatments so the Gyn#2 suggested, after completing a culture to be sent off to the lab, a biopsy of the area that won't heal. My inner teenage slut burst into tears at the thought of such a procedure and the doctor relented, almost immediately. We agreed that if another month passes unhealed then I'll do the biopsy. A reprieve.

There is more, I'm sure, to report but it isn't forthcoming at the moment. These three things are the most stressful right now. I'm often overwhelmed but try to remember that everything will pass and then get to the next most important thing on my list. And, despite the potential mild-laxative effects of doing so, eat a lot of gum. A lot!

Parenthood

The show.

My life.

Friday's My Savior

My staff have been sick. I am pretty sure despite my excessive intake of vitamin c, I'm getting something, too.

We moved a mouse with us. In my infinite wisdom I snatched a couple of more traps from the old place and set them up in the new place. Okay, the mouse poop after a couple of days in the new place tipped me off. The little bastard is dead now. I'll keep up the vigilance to be safe. Ugh.

The boy starts to get busy this week with performances. Two on Saturday, one on Sunday, several during the week through the last week of December. Singing plus acting and martial arts (even if it is the after school program) is too much.

My sleep has been good. This morning was an anomaly - the pitter patter of rain woke me at about 4 or so. My dreams of joyfully and contentedly working as a retail clerk at Fred Meyer and my busy thoughts about our holiday gift program that is woefully underfunded and fraught with structural troubles kept me up.

My health is tenuous - the cold and the lady troubles are tiresome as is work and our extra curricular activities. Friday is my savior because I'll get at least a minute to clean the house and relax.

Energy

Until we moved, I was sure that my sleep problems were all about me. Peri-menopause, stress, anxiety, any number of things. Since we moved, however, I have come to realize that the energy at the other place was simply flawed, wrong, not conducive to sleep. The two together were a recipe for exhaustion.

At 3003 I've slept soundly just about every night. The first few days, maybe a week, I couldn't get enough - 12+ hours some nights. Now, about 3 weeks in, it seems like sleep is the new normal.

Amazingly, I have felt more clarity, albeit a very little bit, to not only see what is lacking or needed, but to actually devise a thought about how to deal with it, change it, make it better. It could be that Mercury has gone direct in the past few days... Whatever, I'm feeling and sensing things differently than I have in a while.

The sense of hope is comforting.

Manifesto

I have some catch-up work to do - for me. My body, my mind, my soul is in need. In need of something different.

You manifest that which you think and give energy to. I have lately been spending time on the wrong things and then I notice that panicky feeling. It just occurred to me while writing this. It is time to notice that which makes me uncomfortable so that I can change it - panic and its relatives do not serve my higher calling.

The boy begins performances this week and I'm glad. The hour or so waiting, if I can force myself to stay in the car as opposed to watching, can be exclusively "me" time. I miss me. Me looks forward to some alone time with our thoughts.

Things have been culled, paired down, reorganized. It is lighter now. It is time. Me.

So Close

This move has been painfully slow. While there were definitely some off days, we've been at it for almost 12 days now.

Wood checked out about a week ago. His back has been bothering him something feirce since the biggest push took place that first Friday. Even after the yard sale we had tons of stuff left over. I gave oodles of it to the art teacher, I offered it up for free to anyone who would listen (although, Bam was the real pusher of goods, asking people over and over again if they'd take the damned fish tank), to no avail.

Thank goodness I asked for help from a colleague's boyfriend who works evenings - both for that first day and yesterday. He and Wood did the heavy lifting oh, so-long ago and Boyfriend and two of his young-buck friends got the rest out last night.

I tried so hard to get a local agency to pick up the leftovers, an agency that isn't Goodwill, isn't Salvation Army. I tried with an email and a phone call but they were completely unresponsive. Frustrating as all get out, I tell you! 1. I wanted to do a good thing and 2. It is an agency I come into contact with at work. In the end it was donated and I have my tax deduction receipt, which was the goal. I now know - for next time.

I'm overflowing with thankfulness for the help of Boyfriend and his friends (and Bam, she leaves super early in the morning and we didn't get a lot of down time...I was quite annoyed with her. Can you say PMS? And we didn't really get to the crocheting lesson I specifically asked for. Oh, well.) - all that is left is the fish tank and sewing machine stand, and a plant. Of course, there is a little bit of cleaning that needs to be done. But I stress the little bit. My mom rocked the cleaning part! She was a lifesaver again, I tell  you.

We should be out of there a day early. It's so close I can taste it.

Exhausted

So tired at the end of the day that bed time has been insanely early. As in 7pm. I can't function in the early evening so I just climb into bed and fall fast asleep.

Until about 3am. But I'll do a few things and in another 30 minutes or so, go back to sleep until about 7.

There are plenty of reasons to be so beat... Moving, medicine, my female cycle and the new moon. Stress and too many things on my plate...

Ok, just thinking about all of that stuff, I'm tired again.

Home Sweet Home

The move to our new house is, for all intents and purposes, done. We spent all of Friday, part of Saturday and a lot of Monday schlepping our stuff from one place to the other. Of course, we still have to sell or donate all of the stuff we left behind but it will happen, there is an overlap of the two places for a reason! 

I have this to say about the new place: I LOVE it!

You know how when the universe has aligned the stars for you, thing(s) work out as they should and you feel good? That's how I feel now. Since grandma move out it feels as though things are settling, we are able to do what we want (and need) to do, as if things are right and we are finally home again. I haven't felt comfort like, nor the energy to care for myself much, since the move to Portland. Ah, the shift.

Today's the Day

We move today. We aren't at all prepared. We collected some boxes and I started to cull through stuff but don't have as much time as I'd like between work, Twig, the school auction and the limited amount of sleep that I do get. I took yesterday off to pack and prepare but I got completely derailed by an auction meeting, a doctor appointment, boychoir, and work.

Speaking of the doctor... A new ob/gyn since we moved to he lovely state of Oregon. My first visit, of course, on an urgent basis. Turns out I've got excema and exceptionally mild but likely chronic yeast in me nether regions. When I say the words, not for internet consumption, I can't do so without laughing. It sounds funny, sure. It hurts like a bee-atch! With some heavy duty cortisone type cream and 6 weeks of diflucan (okay, okay, and some dietary and exercise changes), I'll be good as new in nothing flat. Sorry for the TMI, but hey, this isn't exactly Facebook. But it may go to why I feel generally like Crap these days - headaches, hair falling out like mad, pimples (Huh? I'm in my mid 40's), achy, tired, etc.

So, Twig is frightened of the move (everything, really these days) so my goal will be to get his room completely set up before he comes home tonight. Other than that, my only plan is to have the guys move the heavy stuff. The rest can be moved one car load at a time - we don't have to be out of here until the 21st and my mom will be here for the next 10 days. Thank goodness!

Okay, its 6 am. I feel like I need to get moving. Can't imagine why.

Nine Days

We move in nine days. I am excited for this new phase partly because of the mouse issue we are experiencing and because we will be purging a bunch of stuff in the process. Oh, and Bam is headed up for a visit, too. She's always such a big help in times like these.

I'm kind of cranky today. Turns out I have such little energy to do the stuff that needs to be done and I find myself doing everything but what needs to be done when I am doing something. Right now is a perfect example. I should be working but I'm in the bathroom (doing real business) and blogging.

I'm taking 3 days off of work for the move and I can't wait!

First Full Weekend

We had our first full weekend of being normal this weekend. It wasn't really normal given that Wood was out of town but we didn't have an appointment at 10am Saturday and we weren't bound by grandmas needs. It was nice, especially since Twig had an impromptu sleepover and I was able to behave like an adult in my own home. Weird. Luxurious. We're falling into our own lives again quite easily and that is good.

Hopes

I won't miss my upstairs neighbors moaning and groaning, his middle of the night antics, and the generally difficult-to-share-common walls stuff that comes up in multiple unit buildings.

I will also not miss having to gather utilities money from the two neighbors and having to berate the landlord to fix water leaks, ant or mice problems. And find dead mice in my kitchen anyway.

The owners of the new place clearly care about their property and the exterior is clean (!). The interior is just fine and although there are some very minor uglies (stained linoleum), the place will be great. I sure hope the new kitchen counter material they're installing is nice and that the upstairs neighbors and their two year old don't dance and sing too loudly at times of the day that doesn't work for us. I hope that the new apartment building that's soon to be under construction doesn't ruin the parking set up in the neighborhood too badly.

I hope the move goes fast and easy and that my body doesn't retaliate too much.

I'm sort of excited for the change. It's kinda like a fresh start. We need that.

3003

Would be the house number. If all goes as planned, we'll have yet another apartment. Not as close to school but close enough and the price is really right. Plus it's just enough space for us. And since I've been telling Wood for months that unloading e v e r y t h i n g is a good idea and he's called my bluff, it is also a chance to go really minimalist. I mean open the door and sell all of it. Except the absolute necessities. It sounds so light and lovely. Definitely another resart. We shall see.

Early

Went to sleep late, woke up early. Completely unencumbered, alone in the house with my husband (Twig is on a sleepover), the new-normal quiet is going to take a minute to get used to.

I'm excited about the prospect of future early mornings - gym visits a few days a week. Once Wood gets back from his upcoming work travels anyway. Not sure I can sneak in a workout during the day. It always takes longer than I expect it to.

Maybe I'll get my true early morning get up and go body back once the workouts begin. I'm hoping that exercise is the magic bullet.

Loss

Grandma has moved into her new place. It was the fastest move I've ever done. Really, 3 hours from beginning to end - packing plus a break for coffee and pie, transportation, unpacking and hanging pictures.

Funny that someone's life can be distilled into one little room and contained on a piece of paper. One piece of paper. Maybe ironic is a better choice of words.

I cried several times today. My emotions are quite palpable lately. For no reason that I can name, I was overwhelmed with emotion and couldn't hold back the tears. I swear I'm having perimenopause because I feel so out of control - euphoric to psychotic in seconds and for no reason.

Alzheimer's disease is cruel. And with all of the deterioration painful. It makes me question so many things about our world, our environment, our morals and ethics as a society and as individuals. Why, for instance, do we slow down the progression of the disease when it is so debilitating, so unlikely that there is much that the person can contribute? Is contribution all that matters? What is the point?

I hate that my mother in law is sick with this disease. That she is suffering in this way. That I didn't get to know her before she was sick. That not knowing, and her not telling, made it seem as though we were at odds with one another. That she lived with us. That she no longer lives with us. That I wasn't as good as other people are at caring for others. That Twig and she, that Wood and me are all feeling a loss. That we know nothing more than we did this morning about what the rest of her life will be.

On the other hand, we have regained some flexibility in our lives. I'll be able to get to work on time. We won't have to rush home after work. Weekends can be spent as a threesome instead of two dueces - dividing and conquering everything. More flexibility in where we go, how long we spend there. No administration of meds, no caregiver in my house (although she was a godsend and I never minded her being there), no more hiding the toilet paper so grandma wouldn't over use, leave bits behind and get bladder infections. No more of the day to day responsibility - but continued obligation. That never goes away.

I care deeply for her and want only the best for her. I wish for her peace, tranquility, and a death (I'm feeling callous for even saying that - she could live for 10 years or more...) that is speedy and pain free. Until then I want her to be happy with her new family/caretakers. They are good people.

Have I mentioned lately that being a grown up is kind of crappy? I kind of would rather be 8 years old.

Noises

I'd like to think that I hear noises around me and that's what wake me but the truth is what I hear probably happens only in my head. Something arouses me and the brain starts moving and soon enough is working overtime.

I was dreaming, about something decent, when I was suddenly wide awake at 2am this morning. The voices in my head are questioning many of my moves - past and future - and it is disconcerting.

Working on this fundraiser is like a massive group project in college...there are helpers and hinderers and all this togetherness with people I haven't chosen is leaving me feeling like I'm a) not doing enough b) doing what I am doing incorrectly c) not liked by the people I'm working closely with d) being purposefully left out of the loop e) not doing a good job. Or everything, then some, all mashed up at the same time.

My confidence is feeling quite fragile - probably because I'm slightly out of my element - and its taking a lot of energy to keep myself in check. I'm trying to remember that my skill set is mine and I shouldn't be apologetic (with myself or others) for what I'm good at; I should embrace what I'm good at, present it as so and take whatever lumps come my way. There are always lumps. They're just hidden from plain sight so I don't always know about them. Or maybe I need to cool it - no lumps, no feeling badly, just work. Git'er done.

I don't know; tired now and need to get back to sleep. It's just that the house is quiet and dark and being awake now is almost like being alone. I miss being alone when I need to catch up with myself and tame the chatter.

Fighting

Over dumb stuff.

I hold it in, my frustration with Woods dealing with his frustration. It feels lime his anger is directed at us. I ignore, redirect, ask questions. All efforts are ignored. Then I get mad and open up. It makes him mad, which makes me more mad. And so the cycle goes. Blame, blame, blame.

What can I do to talk and not make him angrier? Even he doesn't know. What can he do to make me feel less ignored? Pay attention to and acknowledge his feelings before making us feel the way he does.

Ugh. I knew this early on and chose him anyway. Truth is, it was something I was aware that would be hard for me. I didn't realize how hard, particularly at times like these.

Grinding

She's constantly grinding her teeth. Or smacking her gums. For no apparent reason. And yes, at non-mealtimes.

It's one of those noise, habit thingies like when Bam wiggles her foot. You know that nervous foot wagging thing some people do? Makes me INSANE. This teeth business Grandma is doing is also making me crazy.

She's not doing it on purpose. When we ask her to stop, she doesn't. Actually, she can't. Nonetheless, crazymaking.

I'll call the doctor and ask about it. Apparently it's common for people with Alzheimers and sometimes exacerbated by certain meds, one of which she's taking.

Ugh.

Ch, ch, ch, change...

My boy turned 8 last week (happy anniversary, Paula!) and I had some serious feelings about it. Lots of emotion and heavy tears for, well, I'm not sure exactly what - besides the overwhelming feelings I have for the child. Probably all of my hopes and dreams wrapped up in the promise that is him.

Grandma is moving to an adult foster home in a couple of weeks - we have gotten back on track because in reality it was never her choice to live with us any more than it was our choice to have her live with us. It was necessary and we did the right thing at the time. We all have some mixed feelings about the change. It seems like we just got used to her living with us. To our new place. She'll move. And we'll probably move too.

Lots on the horizon.