Something Big

Many triggers lately have me feeling so very vulnerable. With such limited time for reflection, thought and planning, I'm very overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Not stymied, not necessarily afraid, maybe those things and more, but definitely overwhelmed.

Wood's tendency to explode and be mean, particularly toward Twig, when he's angry and overwhelmed were excessive for me this weekend. I feel like an 8 year old and a grown woman at the same time, protecting my child, negotiating for myself, parenting everyone. Paralyzed by memories that are 35 years old and simultaneously being played out in my livingroom.

A wonderful healer friend and I chatted for a long time today. She coaches people, does body work, and, in terms of much of her life, has a similar story to mine. Our visits are always cathartic and today was no exception.

I, bravely but not so fearlessly, expressed to Wood my unwillingness to  continue along this path we've been traveling. Wood said he "felt like you are telling me something big". I was. That the vision I had is not the vision I'm living and the two visions must get closer together. I told him much more subtly than here that I can not continue like this.

He asked if I was saying that I don't want to be with him anymore. "Absolutely the opposite." I want to be with him with all of my heart, just not in the way we have often been, particularly as a family unit - angry, blaming, hurt, reactionary - unhappily and as if we don't like each other more often that not.

He became martyr-ish, like he often does, so at that point I ended the conversation. Not productive. Not interested. In the end I expressed that if he so desires, he might consider taking care of himself and looking at what happens for him in times of parenting/marital stress - because he wants to do so for himself, not just because I'm asking him to join me on this journey.

My eyes are almost swollen shut from all of the crying. I'm an emotional mess because I am afraid of where this will lead us. Hopefully, as we approach our 10 year wedding anniversary (and my desire to have a vow-renewal ceremony in the spring), someplace of connectedness and aligned vision/focus/direction for the next 10 years.

My commitment to my family is strong. However, I refuse to get lost in that commitment. We have some Big work to do.