Panic Room

The car is my safe place at the moment.

Even though my ears are ringing, I notice I've been clenching my teeth, and I feel that I should apply for a job I found online yesterday, I can't get past picking up a few of my things to prepare to go inside. All I really want to do is give myself a manicure and paint my nails.

I'm feeling anxious at the moment. Lately, actually. It comes on out of nowhere - in the middle of the night, while I'm driving down the street, as I gather my things to walk in the house. In between those moments, my emotions have been vascillating - one moment I'm full of rage or fear of nothing apparent and at other times I'm overtaken by immense gratitude. Sometimes in the span of a day, sometimes minutes.

Now I just sit here in this little car with my feelings, mostly of dread for what I have to do, trying to make sense of things. It feels good to do nothing.

Directions

I should journal more. Read, sleep, laugh, cuddle and have awesome sex more often too.

Shoulds. Woulds. Coulds. Fighting people making me (okay, I'm allowing it) doubt myself. I'm struggling to find the balance between me and work. Personal vs. professional, sharing vs. oversharing, clear vs. directive, listening vs. doing what someone else wants, playing the game vs. being played. I hate this recalibration period I'm in.

One staffer said "I think you are suffering, like in your personal life or something, and taking it out on us."

This is because in the last 3 months, I've asked my staff to account for the number of hours they work each week - on a monthly basis - to ensure they are getting their hours in, and not working too much, flexing appropriately, etc. They don't want to do it because they've never had to before. Because it's always been the Wild Wild West there. At least that's the messaging and my assumption. I may be slightly off on this time tracking bit and I may adjust, ever so slightly.

But the other stuff feels like a manipulative temper tantrum and is much harder to quantify. I ask to talk but don't listen. I never, ever, do what they want. And, apparently, I'm offensive... by suggesting that people brush up their resume and look at what's out there, to apply and interview... to be able to really know what they have and don't have.

I need to keep my mouth shut - fewer Fucking words! Journal, list, take care of myself and go back to sleep! Ack! There's too much to do and not enough time to do it! I want to learn this lesson! Help!

Pesky Little Buggers

Well, I had hoped that once the staffer was fired for poor conduct, first with her colleagues and later with me, that things in the morale arena would improve a bit. It did... for exactly one minute.

The battle is with myself, really. It manifests in discussions -long Fucking-winded discussions- where I explain, defend, and justify my decisions and actions to the extent that I am able and still don't get the right response; I want them to have an an understanding of the constraints I am faced with, an appreciation for the work that I do behind the scenes, and an acceptance of their respective roles.

Instead, they say that I should move my office around because the placement of my desk isn't comfortable for them. One on one supervision should be offsite because it's intimidating to meet with a desk between them and me.

They don't want me to hire another case manager. Because 5.5 hours a week is too much trouble for them - it's not worth it. But they are overworked, unappreciated, and deserve a raise. I take issue with only the unappreciated piece. And wonder how many drinks, lunches or Starbucks gift cards it will take -and how often- I am required to "prove" I care. In my world, a paycheck and *having a job that pays me* is appreciation IN FULL. I could say "kids these days" but one of the people pulling this Crap is older than me.

HEAD LICE SUCKS! Yep, our turn because I turned down the tea-tree-oil-vigilance, Twig was IN-FUCKING-FESTED. Not what I had in mind for this weekend. Nope, 10 loads of laundry and treating and checking scalps was NOT on the agenda.

Which leads me to the final issue... We are spending way too much time doing too many things we don't want to do. We are carting, managing, visiting, hosting, organizing, supporting, communicating, fundraising...making things good for EVERYONE ELSE.

Lice, staff, kids, in-laws... everything is bugging me.

Blow Outs

What an incredibly tumultuous week its been.

An employee I supervise refused to accept the position I hired them to do and my authority - oh there's a bit more to it than that but all I can say about it is that the person had multiple inappropriate tantrums over the past 3 months and in the end was fired.

I nearly lost it yesterday when two pedestrians waited to cross the street, IN THE STREET, blocking my ability to make a right turn. It sparked a long soliloquy about selfishness and many other pent up feelings I've been having about people and my feelings and such.

We went to the store to get a strap for Twigs new glasses that he won't keep on his face. On, off, on, off. Lost, found, lost, searching, found... As we were ready to leave he said he had to use the bathroom. Acer a minute of arguing about home vs. store toileting he convinces me that it's store. After about 10 minutes I had to send Wood in. He'd had a full blow out. Poor kid.

Later he LOST it when we asked him to do his homework. He didn't want to do it. Double digit addition is very hard, I guess. He started off with refusals. Then shortly after flew off into a rant about how he's an idiot, stupid and everyone wants him dead. WHAT? Anyway, he screamed, stomped, cried and slammed doors. Slamming doors sends Wood into a tantrum. He cornered Twig in the bathroom to talk to him. You can imagine how that went. Wood being in a tantrum, cornering the kid in the bathroom, seeing the kid want to leave sends me into a tantrum. Wood says he "done with you both" moves out of the way, Twig leoaves, slams the door, I scream for the slamming. In the end we had each screamed at everyone, and Twig did his homework with my help and for a piece of chocolate. Ugh.

We've been working hard and haven't had anything like this this in a LONG time. We've been under a lot of stress lately. It'll all calm down. Someday.

Boom and BOOM

What a week.

It's been so stressful that I've reached an old pattern - not hungry despite clear hunger pains. Strange to believe that once upon a time, I used to live like that as a matter of course. Granted, it's 25 years later and 1) I've learned a thing or two and 2) I have gained a pound (or 15). That way of living is too hard on my older body. Plus, I've been getting to the gym to work out at least 2 times a week. The scale is moving downward ever so slightly but no worries. It's been one month and these things take time! My clothes will begin to fit better soon and I could give a shit about the number. The goal is to be strong.

I had to terminate an employee yesterday. Even with all of my supposed "experience" it is a gut wrenching decision and process to go through. I am proud to say that I've had to do it only a handful of times.t

It was the right choice for many, many reasons - I learned so much from the school of hard knocks on this one. My thought since "making it so" has been that hopefully, there hasn't been too much damage done. Only to find this note from TUT aka: The Universe:

Every day, Wonelle, you move mountains, touch lives, and perform miracles.

Every day you're a success, a hero, an example.

And every day you change the world for the better.

Actually, there's not been a single day in your life when you've been anything but magnificent.

Just some stuff to think about next time you doubt yourself.

Damn, TUT, and thank you! I really needed to hear that! Happy Friday! I'm off to the gym and then to clean up my messes.

New Project

This is my new project - a visioning journal.

Be near me.

It is understandably human nature, to see yourself as small. Until you stop seeing yourself as human.

Healthy food. Friends at the table. Just two themes presenting themselves so far.

Things sucked this afternoon at work - for 3 hours, until 8pm!. My nice lady would say that since it's hysterical it's historical. I know she has other stuff to say about it, too. I can't remember what it is so I feel stuck, like I'm doing the wrong thing. As opposed to "doing it right". Mired in history that isn't working for me now. I feel stuck. Kinda fearful. Optimistic at the same time.

More to come.

Exercise, Focus and Attention

Workouts... Trying so hard to get into a new routine. Many days over the past couple of weeks have been okay. I've packed my bag, set out my clothes, arranged food and headed out the door at stupid early. Monday and Tuesday have been easier days to go. By Friday, today, I'm beat from the week. Being sick for almost two weeks and having intermittent middle of the night insomnia (a couple of hours here & there of being awake) make it hard to get up. As does not really knowing what the heck I'm going to do once I get there. I will keep plugging along and it will get easier. I am committed to strength and being able to button my pants.

Therapy classes have begun for Twig. Every Thursday for the next 12 weeks. It's really more of a parenting class, teaching kids to be more self-controlled and focused, and giving parents the tools to help their children be successful.

This week I've been on an all day field trip, attended the "friendship" group at school and sat in on the Therapy group. Twig, while definitely a busy kid, is probably not the most affected ADHD around. It makes me feel a bit better seeing and knowing this but also angers me that he is in trouble for his unique learning style. We have formally requested that the school assess him and develop a formal plan to address his needs. We'll see what they have to say. I am looking for another option, too.

I can't quit my job but I sure would like to give more attention to my boy and his needs as opposed to work. I'm trying to figure out how to do it.

*Pitter*Patter*

I love bad boys.

I especially love bad boys that cuss AND cook.

My new favorite site: Thug Kitchen.