The goal: Self Care
Basic stuff really. But whatever. Here it is.
-Take breathing meds twice daily, consistently
-Take vitamins daily, consistently
-Shower daily
-Exercise three times a week (or more, if possible)
-Eat nutritious food at regular intervals throughout the day
-Keep alcohol consumption to a minimum
I made it to the gym and took my morning meds. I ate crap. Ordered delivery for dinner. Layed on the couch most of the day.
But I rocked these socks at the gym.
The public library. I found my way there yesterday with the intention of getting "When Things Fall Apart" and a couple of books on tape for grandma.
I walked out without the book I wanted but with two novels for myself and two books on tape for grandma. The book I was looking for isn't available at the branch I went to (better parking) and the downloadable kindle version is out on loan. I put a hold on it and don't mind. Fiction is what I crave right now - someone else's story to get lost in.
Twig was off of school today because of weather. The "weather" here is hilariously tame so funny that kids are out for no real good reason. I tried to make it a good day, really, I DID. But this boy is so busy and I'm so tired. Depressed. Unfocused. Short tempered.
We played Connect Four, I submitted a job application, had a pulmonary appointment, let him decide what to make for dinner (such a relief to not have to choose, plan AND prepare), shopped together and made it together, too. Enchilada Casserole, rice, salad, and a key lime pie.
I forgot about the appointment and showed up late. And cried like a real depressed person in the office. In part because being on all day with Twig was hard and we had a bunch of tussles (he's so oppositional and that doesn't mix well with down-on-yourself), and in part because I'm, well, depressed.
I didn't quit the Nice Lady after all, either. Which is such a good thing. She's awesome. Although Alanon came up. Again. I just laughed when she brought it up. When anti-depressants were discussed, I told her how I feel like I need them, but feel more averse to them, and probably won't go that route because I'll get through this, too. Perhaps I need a litmus test to help me decide that enough is enough and the amount of time will be too great - that I should wait no longer.
Center is what I'm trying to find. My own internal compass that guides me through the good and bad. I had it once and miss it.
No television! Make a list for the week. Focus!
No television yesterday was a real productivity booster! I did several loads of laundry, volunteered at Wood's work for a fundraiser they're doing, and worked on a job application.
I feel better for doing so, too. So, for now, I'm trying to create a daily/weekly list and focus on getting through the tasks on said list. Nothing will happen if there's no plan.
Grey's Anatomy has become my drug of choice. Mind numbingly easy to watch because of all of the soap-opera sex and relationship stuff mixed with enough emotionally charged topics to make me feel connected to the characters and able to cry for absolutely any reason.
In this process of review and reflect there have been a lot of feelings - feeling sorry for myself then unworthy. Early in the week I felt suddenly brave (enough) to submit an unemployment claim and tell a friend that I'd been canned. I didn't sleep at all that night.
The anger piece hit pretty hard yesterday. Which is better than the crippling depression and isolation brought on by fear and self loathing. It's energetic - doing something is fueled by this anger. Make no mistake, I'm wildly depressed and cry in between the bouts of cooking or cleaning. But at least I'm cooking or cleaning or sitting with grandma and those things DO count for something.
Some day I may recognize myself the way I did before I delved into this marriage, cohabitation and parenting thing. Mostly the parenting thing. That's the time it, I, really became differently-capable, able to keep my high standards in only one arena of my life. Or perhaps when I didn't recognize and accept that a serious shift would be needed. Now I'm being forced.
I keep telling myself that I WILL bounce back from this better than before. I'll find my place. I will be brave and find my place again.
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