Post Surgery

Appendix is gone. Pain is not. I'm home. Tired from being awake for about 36 hours prior to surgery. Well, I guess I'm tired from surgery and all the pain.

Definitely Not Gas

The pain started at about 10pm. I mentioned it to Wood and then we went to bed. Except that I couldn't sleep. The pain kept getting worse.

I made my way to the couch so that Wood wouldn't be disturbed. I sat, walked, used the heating pad, pulled out a hard bucket just in case. No relief at all.

Finally, at 3:30, I woke Wood and told him that I had not slept at all, that the pain was bad. He suggested Pepto Bismol. I explained that I've never felt pain like this. We agreed that I needed to go to the Emergency Room.

I drove myself, parked in the lot and got in really fast. Pain meds, IV, a cat scan and less than 3 hours later, I have been diagnosed with Appendicits. Surgery later today, I suppose.

Bam will come to town. I have no idea what the recovery period is. Wow. I'm kinda loopy - no sleep for 24hrs plus dilauted.

More later.

Body Parts

Last week, after dealing with the house drama for a couple of days, my left knee spontaneously started hurting. Really, I did some stair climbing, moved a few boxes, pushed a few things around, and generally did what I usually do on any given weekend day. Except it was Tuesday.

When the plane landed, I woke up, and began walking though, my knee felt like I had run a half marathon. Pain with every step, clearly swollen, I pretended like nothing significant happened. Well, nothing significant happened!

I mentioned it to Wood when I climbed in to bed at 12:30am on Wednesday morning. And noted that it still hurt, and still was swollen, when I woke up Wednesday. Boo.

Throughout the week it hasn't really improved much. The more active I am, the more swollen it is, the more pain I have. The sexy compression socks I usually reserve for recovery after running plus the compression sleeve over my knee are amounting to exactly zero reduction of swelling. And when I say swelling, I mean visible under my pants swollen.

As of yesterday it was feeling a tad bit better. I went to my appointment because I'd be charged more to cancel without 24 hours notice than to just show up. The doctor poked around but didn't see anything obvious and merely told me to do traditional RICE (Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation) plus NSAID's for up to two weeks. And to make an appointment with an orthopedist. As soon as I stood up to leave, the pain was back again. Grr.

The day got away from me and I didn't schedule the orthopedist appointment yet. They were closed at 5:30 this afternoon. I'm going to work early tomorrow so they'll get me first thing.

Despite the obvious downside of having a bum knee, it's not as bothersome an unknown as the differences in my mammogram. That is weighing much more heavily on me right now. I've told Wood, you, another friend, and my two favorites at work - only because they are in the same office - and I suck at keeping secrets lately.

Wood says not to worry. My friend says that the diagnostic people are very conservative. I say I'll get through whatever comes my way. I believe that to be true. But I also know I have this different sense that urges me to do certain things because of what I "know". The decision to go to the big University medical center was because if I ever needed to be treated for Cancer, I'd want it to be there: cutting edge diagnostics, research center, excellent outcomes. Weird, I know, but it's what went through my head. So I listened.

Now, I wait, knowing that a few days won't make a difference in the long term. Besides, I've got many other body parts to manage.

Better, At This Very Moment

So, I panicked. Just enough to raise my blood pressure for a while. Enough to distract me from the work that I needed to get done at the office.

I could have rescheduled the follow up scan for earlier in the week but it just doesn't make sense. Three days won't change the course of what is happening to me (if anything) and I don't want to get into a conversation with my boss. She may be a Nice Lady but truth be told, she's not so nice a lady. No really, she's a counselor by trade.

Ironic that I'm employed by someone that I can't trust to be supportive of the drama floating around my existence. But I know I can handle whatever comes my way. And there is a significant ebb and flow to my perspective. One minute I'm just fine. Then I'm shaking.

Now I'm exhausted so I'll try to sleep. My knee, oy, is also bothering me. Anything to slow me down, huh?

I Won't Panic

The breast clinic called this morning to call me back for a follow up to my scan from last week. Apparently there are changes on my left breast from my 2009 scan.

The technician told me not to worry as she heard my "Okay" and "Uh, huh" quiver more intensely with each response - she makes at least 4 of these calls each day and its really no bug deal, she explained. "Well, a close friend of mine is having a complete mastectomy this week and her scan didn't show anything a year ago."

I made the follow up appointment for Thursday afternoon but may change it to sooner because truth be told, I'm afraid. Bat-shit afraid.

Three AM

Three in the morning is my new insomnia wake up time. Oh, how I wish it was plain insomnia.

The Boy's energy today was intense and followed by a decent sized meltdown that was caused by his dad yelling at him (Twig wiped his dirty hands on Woods pants instead of his napkin - which was probably supposed to be funny) and ended in a spanking to bring him back to reality (instead of chasing me down to hit, kick and punch me for trying to break it up) and me telling my husband, essentially, that it was his fault for behaving like a 7 year old his damned self and Twig was reacting with equal force so please act like a grown up instead of a third Fucking child that I have to parent already...

Not only awake, I'm agitated, too. And in a big way.

Facebook and all the pretty pictures of people going to Disneyland and loving life sure doesn't help. Makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong. Not fun enough. Not active enough. Not happy enough.

Simplification ain't going as well as I'd hoped, either. Too many things to do, not enough hours in the day.

Failure feelings at 3am. Just Fucking ducky.

So Much

It's Friday and that's a good thing. I'm beat down physically and emotionally.

The Oakland house was so tiring. The situation there drained me emotionally. I wanted to vomit during the entire trip - the feeling didn't subside until the keys were changed and the windows were locked. Then, my nausea returned. Because of fear and sadness.

A close friend told me she found a lump in her armpit a few weeks ago. I immediately scheduled my overdue mammogram. My friend has breast cancer. She is the "rock" of the family and has melted - rather understandable. It is hard that I can't do anything. Can't make a meal for them, can't come by and clean the house, can't sit by her side after surgery, during chemo, through recovery, reconstructive surgery, through recovery. It's hard to be so far away.

I'm offering to help by organizing friends through Lotsa Helping Hands or some other site. Perhaps her family and friends will be self organized like my sister's friends were. This brings up stuff that is so difficult.

My body is responding to my mind and it's need to do it all (can't let things fall apart). My knee swelled up as I left Oakland late on Tuesday. When I got off the plane after midnight Wednesday morning, I felt as if I'd just run a half marathon even though I slept the entire flight. My knee ached with every step, I limped to the taxi station. Yesterday the swelling continued. As I got out of the shower, my lower back, the one that has sat me down before, twinged "SLOW DOWN on your own, LADY or I'll force you down for much longer than you'd like." I took two Aleve and went on about my day, swollen knee and back in pain.


This morning my knee isn't swollen and doesn't hurt. It may by the end of the day. My back is still smarts but I plan on taking Advil instead of Aleve. I'll leave work early to see Twig's dance camp performance, go with Wood to Grandma's doctor appointment where we'll follow up on her spine fracture and get the doctor to get her to let us help with her bowel incontinence issues at home and at her day program. Twig will be with Lion (isn't that cute) for a playdate. So weird - a family that also moved to Portland from Oakland. Such a small world. We'll come home, go to sleep and tomorrow I'll go to work real early to try to catch up from being gone two days and several hours more than I should have been. 


Right now, I'm going to get today started. 

Mostly Finished

The business is mostly over. The "forcing" was as successful as it could have been. No damage that can be seen with the human eye.

The bank account will hurt. My heart is heavy. Believe it or not, such confrontations are painful for me.

Having my mom and close friends close during this time was helpful. Very helpful. That I was here now was good. I was able to visit a close friend that was diagnosed with breast cancer this week.

She has 5 lumps in her right breast. The cancer is in her right lymph nodes. She will have chemo. She will have a mastectomy within the next two weeks. She had a mammogram one year and 4 months ago. Her mother and grandmother both died of breast cancer. She is afraid it may have spread to other parts of her body.

I still look forward soon to being at home with my family... wrinkles, scabs and all. I wish I could be closer to help my 3rd friend with breast cancer.

It will have to be done from a distance.

Grown Up

Being a grown up can really suck sometimes. Like when there's business that's not easy to manage that you must attend to.

My business is particularly tough in that I am being forced to "make" another person do the right thing after giving way too many chances. Parenting a grown up who
should be doing the right thing already. My stomach hurts.

Step Back

The knee jerk reaction that both of the boys I love more than anything have when things aren't going their way is tiring. I feel their feelings as they spew all over the place - all over everyone's space.

Remembering that it's not my feeling to feel is challenging. Finding ways to allow them to have their feelings in ways that don't impact others around them is even more difficult.

Wood is upset that I'm leaving, and acting as if he's 7. I haven't said out loud that he was gone for over a week (several times in the last year) and that he'll be able to manage. Even if he doesn't want to. Even if it is Father's Day. It's never a good time to take care of business that needs taking care of.

Today he keeps pointing at the stack of dry cleaning in the living room, shrugging his shoulders, and giving me a look that says "Why haven't you taken the dry cleaning in yet?" My guess is that it's been sitting there for about a month. Inside my head I say "You know where the dry cleaner is, too. If it's bothering you so much, take care of it yourself. Just because I typically take care of it doesn't mean it's  my job and no one else can do it."

"Are you going to Facebook or are you going to work?" he says. "I'm not going to answer you." I say and think "it's none of your fucking business what I'm going to do with my hour alone. If I want to Facebook during my time, then I'll Facebook. I'll drive in whatever lane I want to, whatever route I see fit, and manage my own damned time. Sometimes I'll be way ahead of the game of doing the dishes and sometimes I'll fail miserably at getting the laundry done or cleaning the toilet. I don't ask you what you're doing when you're plugged in to the computer and I'm busy cooking dinner, when you'll have an hour alone, and I don't tell you what route to take when we're driving in the car. I would like it if you would accept the fact that other drivers are never going to follow the rules of the road and if you didn't scream at them and their stupid antics. I'd prefer you put things away when they're out instead of not seeing them because you didn't "do it", that you'd cook dinner because you were being thoughtful of the fact that I always do it, and that you'd be aware of and accepting of your feelings - whether they be good, bad or neutral. Sometimes I wish you were a bit more independent of me and sometimes I think that I take on a lot more than you do when it comes to our family. No, I don't want to have sex and I don't want to be in charge all the time."

I just think it - not necessarily all at the same time and not necessarily at the same time. Unless I'm taking a step back to get it out here. Then maybe I'll be able to talk constructively.

Emotions All Over the Place

There are times when pre-menstrual syndrome is one of those excuses I love to have on my side. Like now, when my period is at least three days late and the tears have no sense of the "off" position. When in the one moment that is supposed to be complete and total unadulterated pleasure I break down into a complete and total, good for nothing, sobbing uncontrollably mess. Tears everywhere.

It is so good to have Wood home. His presence brings things back into balance and I can't imagine this life without him as my partner in it. We are a great team when we're working together and we can almost literally move mountains. You've been reading this here blog and know it's kinda true.

The first night he came home, he put Twig to bed and stayed asleep in his room (can you say jet lag plus a three hour time change?). I sat on the couch and cried until 2am. It was what I needed to do for myself. Wallow a bit and feel the feelings that I rarely give time to.

Twig has been pushing the boundaries of his attitude and behaviors a little bit since his dad came home. And while 'a little bit' is good, I have not been feeling very giving of myself. That, in turn, makes Twig even more needy. Which, makes me even more not willing to give him all of the physical attention he needs. And all of those feelings of disinterest in being close to the boy makes me fairly certain that my period is late due to stress, not an accidental unplanned pregnancy. Which, I've already decided would be fantastic if we did have a second child. But even more fantastic if we didn't. (for the record, we're not having a second child, confirmed this afternoon!)

I realized by Wood's absence that I am spending a lot of time being flexible to meet his desires. I will often step back and let him make decisions when it would be much easier for me to take the lead. Or he offers to do something "Oh, I can do that, no problem!"What ends up happening is that the "thing"

On the other hand, all of these emotions are tiring. My sleep has been choppy at best. Recalibrating is tough work.

More Emotions

His anxiety level is very high and he's taking it out on me. Again.

I am doing my very best to keep my "professional" distance and talk him down. The psychologist's advice for dealing with anger isn't working. Gee, where does that boy get his anger from?

You think I'm talking Twig, right?

Wood is upset that grandma isn't able to go with us where we want to go on the weekends. This weekend in particular. He's completely inconsolable. He doesn't want to hear logic. He doesn't want to hear anything. He just ramps himself up and behaves badly toward me. I'm not going to bite.

Once upon a time, he didn't bite when I got my panties in a bunch. Funny how things change.

Life - real fucking life - happens. Children that we chose to bring into the world demand our attention, jobs that we must have to make ends meet demand our attention, parents get old and demand our attention. Responsibilities in other parts of our lives demand attention. Even on Father's Day.

He's already decided that this weekend is going to suck. Grandma won't be able to hang out too long at Twig's baseball-party-picnic in the park on Saturday. I have to leave (for a little more than 24 whole hours) to deal with our house drama. He's overwhelmed and gets all martyr like when I am leaving. About grandma and the weekend he says "I won't go to the picnic because I don't want to set myself up. It'll never work and then I'll get mad." My plea to focus on what we can do, to try to make things work to the best of our ability, to focus on the good stuff falls on deaf ears. He's completely anti. So I tell him that if things aren't working we need to make a change. A global change.

He doesn't want to hear that, either.

He puts Twig to bed, angry. I pour another glass of wine and talk to the potential property manager on the phone.

Blerg

What I really mean to say is "f*$# this f?*%@ing s$!@/!"

Being required to follow stupid people really pisses me off. Doesn't matter it it's on the road or at work. Annoying.

That's it, I feel a little bit better now. Okay, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Yay, Friday!

Wood comes home tonight! I'm glad. And sad.

I know his mom and the boy miss him a bunch. Not to say that I don't, but being solitary periodically is so good for my soul. Being married is good for my soul, too, just a different part of it.

Him coming home is a transition and that brings stress. Hopefully I can respond very little to his bad moods, particularly when his expectations aren't met and he acts like a martyred baby. That sounds so mean - but when he gets upset and lashes out. My ongoing issue is to be appropriately responsive and compassionate, to talk through it instead of lashing back...

We have plans for Twig to have 1:1 daddy time in the am, I get time in the pm, and grandma will likely get him around Dinner time. I hope that will aid in the transition.

I really am looking forward to him coming home.

Not the Best Kind of Dreamy

The new promotion is great in title. In reality it means a lot of work that will consume me. Personalities, crises, negotiating - all skills I possess, even excel at on occasion. If my sleep continues to be affected by simple work issues like last night, I might step down.

I went to sleep with Twig at about 8:30 last night and as usual, I was asleep before him. I went to my bedroom and quickly fell asleep there. But a while later I was tossing and turning, half awake, half asleep for quite some time because of two work issues - the FMLA issue I briefly mentioned yesterday where they will doc my pay for being gone a total of 2.5 hours per week despite the fact that I explained that my Exempt Status is threatened if they do so (which means they'd have to pay me overtime if I work more than 40 hrs/week), and something else, perhaps, that I cant remember.

These kinds of unsolvable dreams have plagued me in my past - because once when I was young and in college taking Algebra (and struggling), I had a dream about a problem I couldn't solve while I was awake. But I did it in the dream and remembered the next day! Unfortunately, however, not all problems have a formula that if followed can lead you to win...

Twig came into my room at some point. I cuddled up with him and slept much better for the remainder of the night. So much so that my dreams were intense and long. From the end to the start: The house where I was hanging out was raided by police - drugs or something. An old boyfriend came for a quickie visit. We didn't have sex but we might as well have. I confided in him that Wood had decided to divorce me (another dream wherein Wood and I were casually talking, I said the word divorce -talking about someone else, perhaps- and he said "Divorce? That reminds me, I want a divorce"), I looked around the floor that was covered in pebbles and found a bunch of little gem covered earrings. At the birthday party, I decided that I was going to start up a business of group homes and travel training programs for people with disabilities, and asked a friend if she knew of any good administrators. I settled into my friend's oh-so-cute 1 room apartment that was put together so nicely that it seemed much larger. But looking for a cake knife in the Ikea cabinet prompted a conversation about how Ikea furniture is kind of good looking but you have to be so careful when it's full - save it fall apart or on top of you. My friend was embarrassed for me to see her place - it was adorable sitting among all of the other houses. Nothing much but well done. More than enough!

Sorry for the stream of consciousness post here. I had to get it all on paper before getting ready for work. Some of it's about things that are really happening in my life, some are not. I find the visiting boyfriends very interesting - the two that had the most impact have come by a bunch lately. I even find myself thinking about "First Love" quite a bit these days.

Anyway, ONWARD!

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday Hump Day

It's official! I'm officially Program Director. Complete with an increase in time off and a company paid parking spot. Granted, they're going to reduce my take home pay for 2.5 hours per week of family medical leave. Whatever, this is my stepping stone job! Executive Director will be behind my name in the next 5 years.

Day 4: Recap

The Power Unit (our 1996 Subaru) was fixed on Monday. We decided to go the cheap wait-and-see route. $350 gets you a new radiator and hopefully, a few months (years?) of use. However, it's only an around town car now. It runs real hot since it began spewing water, the new radiator didn't change that and it will likely need a head gasket at some point. 

I arrived work late yesterday, completed Satisfaction Surveys (got them in the mail over a month late), and left early to pick up Twig from school, to deliver him to Ballet, and then to make dinner in preparation for his baseball game. Thank goodness the game was rained out! Twig was/is not feeling well and his ability to keep himself contained is decreasing by the moment.

After our watershed moment in the morning, I asked for his help putting his clean clothes (I needed to wash his ballet and baseball gear in the morning before we left for school) away. It turned into a thing. He didn't want to help, he decided to hit, kick, and generally be obstinate. I turned off the television and eventually put all the clothes away taking no notice to where I put things and later told him not to complain if he couldn't find things where he expected them to be. He understood that, his behavior (although he said I started it and later understood how his lack of cooperation kept it going and lost him privileges), and how it got neither of us anywhere. I shouldn't have asked. He's a bit char-broiled and I set myself up... I went to bed with him at 8pm.

Yawn.

Day 4: Weird Dreams, Twig is Sick, Blah, and Venus

Had a very weird dream about our non-paying tenant drama that continues to be undone (we're waiting for the court and it's been three weeks as of today). Maybe not so weird actually - just that she was continuing to play games with us. Turned out she moved and left all of her crap, boxed and labeled behind - in one room. I was worried about making any move, save making a mistake and her having the upper hand.

Twig is sick with another sinus infection. Thank goodness he likes using the neti pot and that he doesn't have a fever. That would be whipped cream, huh? His attitude and tone kind of sucks so today I said "Would you please stop for a moment and think about the way you are talking to me?" He apologized and talked to me differently after that. It was a watershed moment.

I'm feeling as blah as ever. Perhaps as you can imagine. Tears are always right at the surface but I don't really know what to do with the feeling that is with them. It's all mixed up so tears seem a bit underwhelming.  But, things, even getting out the front door in the morning, are just too much right now.

Venus transverses the sun tonight starting at about 4:30pm. People in the astrological world are all abuzz about the significant impact this will have. Frankly, I'm looking forward to it. Whatever it is.

Day 3: Extra Work Because There's Already Too Much Work and Sometimes I Forget to Do The Work

I messed up on Friday and forgot to schedule grandma's bus rides home for this week. You know, working and all that kinda consumes me during 9-5.

The Power Unit is in the shop and needs to be picked up in the SE part of town today by 5. Twig needs to be picked up in the SE part of town by 6 and grandma in the deep SW part of town by 6. I get off work at 5 and I arrived late today. But I'll leave early and hope no one notices - especially my boss who will be performing my evaluation tomorrow. Given that I've recently been promoted it should be fine but I'm always apprehensive about these things. And I have to leave early tomorrow, too. Twig's last day of ballet.

It really is too much to organize. I know it but still get flustered when I forget something - forgetting something like a bus ride really can muck up the schedule. A lot.

Deep breaths.

Day 2: Apathy

The babysitter arrived at about 4pm, as expected, but I wasn't ready to go anywhere. I was just climbing in the shower.

Once I made it out the door I had a tough time driving away. There were plenty of things I needed to do, had planned to do even, and I wanted to do none of them.

Finally I left and the noise of the road at 60 mph almost lulled me to sleep. Unlike now - it's 10:15 and I should have been in bed an hour or two ago - I'm tired but fighting it.

Returning the broken dehumidifier at Target was easy - a clear plan - go to Target, return broken item, leave. Check out dehumidifiers at Home Depot.

Purchasing a new dehumidifier at Home Depot didn't happen. It was too overwhelming. I second guessed myself... price... size... features... Too many choices, too many decisions to be made. Wanting to cry, not sure why, not sure how to do it. There was no clear reason to do so.

I accidentally got the door alarms I'd been meaning to buy (and installed one of them tonight). However, it took too long to choose what to get. I felt like I was out of my element in every way and I wasn't sure what needed to happen to get back to myself.

Back in the car I sat and thought about what to do next - there was still about 3 hours of my "free" time (that cost me $50) left. Dinner? Groceries? Booze?

I didn't get a text response from a friend that had told me of a sushi place to try so after thinking about my desires: someplace I'd never been (and likely would never go with the family), I decided on a restaurant that I've driven past on several occasions. A strange place called Mojo Sushi. It's inside a bar and it's not too far from the grocery store.

Mojo's was closed so I searched Google Maps for another place close by. Drove the half mile there in the quiet, which was nice but wasn't nice... searched for the place listed on my phone. I never found it and all the other places in the neighborhood were too much. Too cool, hip, happening. Not. My. Speed. Especially tonight.

I finally remembered that there was a Japanese place I'd wanted to try that is a bit closer to the grocery store so I headed there. It fit the bill but, the food was mediocre, the service pretty bad, and the prices not the best.

After food and sake I was a bit less apathetic than earlier but not by much. Trader Joe's took me for only $60 tonight. Wood would say that apathy is a good thing in this case.

Some people say that depression is anger turned inward. I'm not angry today and tears have been on the tip of my tongue, so to speak, all day (for several days, actually). Maybe my apathy today is really depression. Maybe I'm not dealing with the challenges of life too well today. I certainly am being tough on myself for being imperfect. And being tough on myself for being tough on myself.

Tomorrow will most certainly be different.

Different=Good.

Anticipating

In my opinion, the hardest part of having Grandma live with us is the requirement that we constantly anticipate her needs. It's kind of like having an infant or pre-schooler around. Communication of needs in a way that the adult in charge can understand is spotty - at best. The level of energy that it requires is fairly significant.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a grown up more than anything in the whole world. Grown ups get to  eat what they want, play with their friends whenever they want, sleep when they want, choose to clean their rooms if and when they want, do what they want when they want to. They have choice and free will completely and totally unlike the choice and free will that children possess.

My MIL, in my view of her, is the opposite of that grown up. She has never been able to express her wants or needs because she always defers to someone else. In all ways.

Ask if she's hungry and she'll respond "not starving" or "I could eat".
Where would you like to eat? "I'm flexible" or "What would you like?"
During weekly "Problems, Plans, Proposals" discussions at dinner, she never, ever has a preference, a proposal, a contribution.

She can't be direct about her dislikes or disappointments, either. She gets a crinkle in her forehead, a piercing "pissy" look about her, deep sighs or answers "oh, I don't know", or just walks away from the conversation (literally and figuratively). Granted, nowadays it's the dementia not talking. What was it 5, 10, 12 years ago?

It really started when Twig was a baby and I was super over protective and angry at the change in my world. She stopped talking around me. Literally would not say anything if I was in the room - sometimes she wouldn't even talk to Wood on the phone if I was around.

At one point a few years ago she confronted me about how difficult I am for her. The usual stuff - that I'm too opinionated, aggressive, demanding. We tried to talk about it but she couldn't - she had to have a friend of hers, who happens to be a counselor, talk to me on her behalf. She said I should understand Grandma's inability to be assertive was because she was raised by an opinionated, aggressive, demanding alcoholic father; that I just didn't understand. Out of respect for my MIL and her friend, I tried to listen quietly, to hear what was being said. But after a while, I knew it was a losing battle - this wasn't really about me. I didn't even try to explain that I, too, was raised by an alcoholic step-father who was physically abusive to my mom, me and my sisters and that I completely disagree with the assertion that his treatment of me dictates my involvement with other people now. Sure, it can impact my feelings - the feelings that are automatic - but because I am a grown up now... I. HAVE. CHOICE.

I have trained myself over the last 30 something years since my Step Father left to not anticipate how other people will respond to me, my assertive, opinionated statements and actions, or mere existence and not to care when they do respond. So, being confronted with having to be on, to get no communication from her when I've been able to train my child and husband to "use your words"  - even if it is to ensure that she has food, water, medicine, toilet paper, toothpaste, clean underwear, clean clothes, etc. - is a lot.

Shoulda Better Known Better

When I get angry because things don't turn out the way I want them to, I sometimes wonder why. For somebody that's so in tune with her truth and the Truth, you'd think I'd keep my expectations really Fucking low so that when things are what they are - well - they are what they are - nothing more, nothing less.

I stayed up too late last night watching gory at-home sebaceous cyst removals on you-tube, trying to convert an mp3 to old fashioned cd format for the boy to practice his talent show song, and letting the caffeine wear off (my sweet staff person brought me coffee at 2 in the afternoon and not drinking it would have been extremely rude, ya know?). Subsequent sleep was choppy and not so good.

After 13 hours of sleep, Grandma didn't want to get out of bed. While that's not atypical, today it wasn't an option. I had a 10am haircut, Twig has an 11am baseball game, I need to pick up a few things at a few stores before we go home and her caregiver arrives at 4:30 to babysit her so I can take Twig to his cast party. I forced the issue and she reluctantly got up.

I gave her a higher dose of pain pills to ensure she could keep up this morning. She glared at me through the haircut. She left the car and sat on the bleachers for all of 5 minutes before wanting to sit in the car. She "couldn't sit still" on the bleachers. I walked her to the car, luckily was able to move the car to a place that I can keep an eye on her while I watch Twig's game. And blog.

An hour into her sitting in the car, I went to her and said come and watch the game for a few minutes. "No" is all she would say. Then "I'm okay". I'm angry that this is today and appears to be the new weekend routine. "It's okay for you Grandma, but not for anyone else." I responded and then closed the car door harder than I should have.

I knew it would be this way and still, I'm MAD! I'm over this inability to do anything that she doesn't want to do at the expense of everyone else. And I'm not 100% sure that my frustration is entirely fair. She was hurt a few weeks ago - but I don't think thats what's going on. She doesn't want to be uncomfortable AT ALL. That's understandable for sure, but I don't think that's what is going on. I think it's that Fucking Bastard Alzheimer and his disease.

For this moment I will focus on what I know to be true - she can't keep up with us. I need to be patient with her and with me and try to set us up to be successful. Who cares if she sits in the Fucking car? Oh, Adult Protective Services. Whatever.

Day 1: I Can Do This

Today is day one of Wood's week long business trip to West Virginia. He always says it's really hard for him to be away from us. It's not fair but every time he leaves I can't help but think he's essentially on vacation and that it's way harder to stay home than travel for work. 

Usually a few days before he leaves one of us gets overwhelmed by the most mundane activities. Usually me - I have a bit of a meltdown because I'm preparing for the time that I'll be alone and working my ass of more intensely than usual. But it didn't happen this time.

I'm not glad he's gone but I'm okay with it like when I was unmarried without a kid. Weird feeling. Now that I think of it, I've been having a lot of dreams lately - my First Love, being sick, dying, and other stuff like that that I can't remember right now - and I've been on a precipice for such a long time that perhaps this week is the time I'll have to step off of that ledge and figure out a few things. Despite today's calendar: 10am haircut, 11:30am Twig baseball game, 5-9pm Twig cast party (pizza, pool, etc.) and 4:30-8:30 homecare worker to sit with Grandma, and a messy house, I think that I can do this. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

 

Zombie Apocalypse

The plan was to work out yesterday unless a Zombie Apocalypse descended upon Portland. Well, you may think it was only a figment of my imagination but in my world, it happened.

No workout.

My one workout partner left her workout clothes in the car, forgot to get her car keys from the parking attendant and had to walk several blocks from the office to get the keys. It was nearly 6:30 by the time she returned ready to work out and by that time I was dealing with an unsatisfied client/family issue. It probably wasn't too late to start working out but I was kinda beat down.

Here it is, Friday morning. My shoulders and neck are hurting because of stress and I'm writing... my workout gear is at the office but I could get up and take a run with no accouterments (sp?), do a few burpees in when I'm out of breath.

Later, Paulie!