Metaphorically Speaking

Class was in full swing. Students were scattered around practicing their scenes to small audiences of peers. Each member of the group in turn made comments on how the performance could be more convincing.

Carrying a handbag and rolling a suitcase was not easy. The cobblestone seemed to make the handbag heavier and the suitcase slower. They weighted me down, even pained me at times, but I trudged along in spite of them.

I was enrolled in the class. However, today I was more of an onlooker than an active participant. I simultaneously watched and moved along the large, dark room toward the stairs. I watched them practicing. I watched myself looking at them, all the while I lurked in the background, simply doing what needed to be done. The sting of unfulfilled desire and the heaviness of inability slowed the pace of my footsteps. I wanted to leave that place but the scene seemed to last for hours.

I really was doing my best to move on - the need to put my baggage...in it's place...away...down...was strong - but was thwarted. The stairwell had been blocked. I looked down for any possible way to move toward my destination - even though it was not really a place. The floor was covered, tools and materials were everywhere, a hand written sign hung with tape smack in the middle of the walkway. "Do NOT enter unless you really, really need to" it said.

I felt that I needed to but more strongly that I couldn't. My journey is on hold, I thought. Someone else is busy doing his work and projects. These are too important to simply move beyond. Mine must lie in wait.

NO! I'm carrying the bags! I really, really do need to enter. I'll find a way around the heaviness of - to work with - the projects, tools, materials and signs.

But maybe you could help? I need a little guidance to safely find my way!

Where do you want your Tattoo?

Let's Go Oakland!

Insecurity

I have very little time to write tonight. As Twig takes a "bathtub" he's incessantly insisting that I watch his whale dive in and out of the water. Wood, who is out fetching dinner, has informed me via a very unsightly family argument this afternoon that he resents my screen time and any time away from the house that renders him completely responsible for his offspring. Turns out that he wants me available to him on his timeline and schedule - despite the fact that our parental obligations and schedules don't always coincide with his wants and needs.

Try as I may, the pace of our lives is not conducive to obtaining all of the basic necessities (sleep, sex, and conversation) of life all of the time. I am simply not able to manage to meet the needs of every person in my life at all times at the moment. This is difficult to manage - being a perfectionist and all.

Turns out, Wood is as insecure as I am - but for different reasons. Twig is having behavioral issues galore. We're planning a visit to a Marriage and Family Therapist for help.

I've got to go eat dinner now.

The View From Over Here

Are you a glass half-empty or a glass half-full type of person?

I hate to say it but I'm the half-empty kind. It's not on purpose really, it just sort of happens. My outlook on life and understanding of the world doesn't focus on the beauty and wonder that exists; at my core my skin and bones tell me it's not safe to let my guard down. Somewhere along the way my optimism and naivety was snatched. I can't remember the exact moment that it happened but I learned early on that when you begin to feel comfortable that's usually when bad things happen.

For the most part, this nay-sayer approach (or critical thinking skill) has served me well. It has helped me gain strength and a perseverance to succeed in the face of difficult odds, personal demons, and human adversaries (including the ones that didn't even know they were being adversarial). However, there are times that this quality doesn't feel like such a great strength of character.

Take visiting with friends. As of late, half-empty has been lonely among even the largest group of people during the happiest of occasions. It has made me feel as if everyone is judging me when they're simply conceptualizing out loud. I'm not so good at making negative funny so such an outlook on and relationship with the world can often be misconstrued and impossible to be around.

Half-empty is challenging my self-confidence. I'm thinking (critically, of course) that it's time to regroup and rethink my relationship to the world. I want to be a glass half-full type of person!

Technology Aids Life. Or...

Pherber emailed me today about her band and the strides they continue to make on the music scene. Well done!   Their recent album, Surfing the Afterlife is fantastic. The content is quite personal and it's interesting to 'know' (if not just a little bit) something about the origins of some of the lyrics on the album. Our late dear friend Satya would be so so flattered and so pleased. He'd be so proud of you and your success. As we are(me, Wood and Twig). Kudos to you!

I signed up for my very own myspace account today, just so that I can be a "friend" of Pherber and the band. Well also to stay connected with people in an anonymous sort of way and even maybe, to get some more traffic on Conversations With a Nice Lady. We'll see how it goes, I can't seem to figure out how the damn site works yet. Not yet their friend and no clear understanding of how to link this here blog onto myspace. Geez, that makes me feel old.

Until tomorrow...

30 Days

If you haven't already, check out FX's series 30 days which is hosted by the guy that did the movie Supersize Me. The program tackles some incredibly difficult subjects by placing someone in a situation that they don't understand or agree with to shed some light... So far: working in a coal mine, animal rights and same sex parenting. I'm hooked and wish everyone could walk a month on the other side. Could make the world a much better place.

Not a Pregnancy Pact

The 'manage posts' tab of Conversations With a Nice Lady - the place that only I get to see - contains my present state of mind in the form of several really bad draft blog posts. Not enough psychic space available to put together something that can actually be published lately. What lurks here just beneath the surface feels very haphazard and unorganized. Need as I may to write it all down and process, I'm feeling a bit fragile and incapable of doing so publicly.

During the busy busy of our usual morning routine today I was thinking about my inability to write lately...Why is it that some very complex thoughts and feelings just will not come together in a concise and understandable way? I decided that the issue is a combination of fear and practice. I need a pact between me and myself to take on the world fearlessly. That and, utimately, I need to write more often.

So, despite the busy busy, I decided that I must get at least one sentence published on the blog every day. A thought, story idea, random memory, rant, hope, or positive affirmation - as simple, complex, or poorly written as it may be. Yes, whatever comes flowing out of me...

As the day wore on, and I continued to ponder the idea of writing and publishing daily, I remembered someone along my educational brick road who told me that the first draft is simply for the sake of writing. At the same time it's the most important draft because if done correctly it's raw Truth and Emotion. YES! My writer's block is fear! I am, after all a perfectionist. I want my work to come out perfectly the first time, to convey the truth eloquently, and to appear on the page effortlessly. The problem is that with that approach I either don't write or don't publish. That outcome is the antithesis of what I want.

So, let's move on, shall we? Every day I will take a minute or two (set a timer if need be) to practice getting something (anything) published. I can find a few moments a day.

Until tomorrow then...

“Scratch any cynic and you’ll find a disappointed idealist.”

George Carlin, 5/12/37 - 7/21/08; a man after my own heart...

Backyard Delights

One of the main reasons that I wanted to buy/own a house was so that I could "play in the dirt". More than 4 years later, with some new (found) freedoms, I made a proclamation: I want a vegetable garden! and then enlisted the help I needed to begin to make the yard my own.

I decided to start small-ish in the kinda-contained two feet deep spaces along the side of the house. I picked up some seeds from the store and started them indoors. In the meantime, I researched, designed, and built some raised beds, then filled them with dirt (read: paid the gardener to fill them with dirt).

Wood was gracious enough to take Twig for an entire day a month or so back and I was able to play outside for the entire day. . These are a few of the fruits of my labor.

Sunflowers that Twig started from seed at Pre-School, Tomatoes, Tomatillos, squash and cucumbers (there's some sweet peas behind the Tomatoes and Alyssum along the borders of the cement & boxes). You can't see the corn (also from Twig's school), broccoli, thyme and marjoram, and the other two planter boxes (there's 4 total) that contain carrots, beets, chives, & basil. The Roses that came with the place are looking very nice with extra care and water, and I'm hoping that the Lavender likes its new home between planter boxes too.

I've got the bug... the goal is to re-landscape another portion of the yard before the end of September - so we can host Twig's birthday party at home this year.