Directions

I should journal more. Read, sleep, laugh, cuddle and have awesome sex more often too.

Shoulds. Woulds. Coulds. Fighting people making me (okay, I'm allowing it) doubt myself. I'm struggling to find the balance between me and work. Personal vs. professional, sharing vs. oversharing, clear vs. directive, listening vs. doing what someone else wants, playing the game vs. being played. I hate this recalibration period I'm in.

One staffer said "I think you are suffering, like in your personal life or something, and taking it out on us."

This is because in the last 3 months, I've asked my staff to account for the number of hours they work each week - on a monthly basis - to ensure they are getting their hours in, and not working too much, flexing appropriately, etc. They don't want to do it because they've never had to before. Because it's always been the Wild Wild West there. At least that's the messaging and my assumption. I may be slightly off on this time tracking bit and I may adjust, ever so slightly.

But the other stuff feels like a manipulative temper tantrum and is much harder to quantify. I ask to talk but don't listen. I never, ever, do what they want. And, apparently, I'm offensive... by suggesting that people brush up their resume and look at what's out there, to apply and interview... to be able to really know what they have and don't have.

I need to keep my mouth shut - fewer Fucking words! Journal, list, take care of myself and go back to sleep! Ack! There's too much to do and not enough time to do it! I want to learn this lesson! Help!