Happy Day

At this very moment, I'm just sitting here not working on supplemental application materials for jobs I'm applying for.

God DAMN people want a lot of information in writing. What's a letter of interest if it's not a cover letter? And what the hell is different about a cover letter than a supplemental essay on how your skills and experience make you a good candidate for the position? I mean, considering that's really what you've included in your cover letter. Sheesh! I took a second day off of work to do this crap and haven't made too much of a dent. Okay, vent over.

Otherwise life is good. Twig's performance schedule is OVER! Wahoo! Weekends are free again! Only 4 more Mondays of Second grade. Oh, shit. That reminds me. Spider report is due on Wednesday and I have more work to do! Yes, I have more work to do. 

Who am I again?

Oh, that's right. The woman who took the day off of work (even though she shouldn't have) to work on job applications and my second grade spider report.

Ugh. I just want to go to sleep.

Question of The Week

What will it take, Wonelle?

To move past this place of using old habits or techniques that no longer serve you?

Have you hit rock bottom yet?

There's A Megaphone In My Ear

It began before 5 am. Around 4:30, I'm assuming, as it took a while of seething before I finally looked at the clock.

My mom who's been here since Saturday... I convinced her to stay an extra couple of days (my sister got a babysitter so she could)... Is leaving this morning.

I know she's trying to be quiet and she thinks she's being quiet. But she's not. Every single move she's made since she got up at 4:30am has reverberated through Twigs room, the bathroom, the hall and into my ears like she was standing next to my bed doing whatever the Fuck she's doing. Folding plastic bags, dropping shit on the floor, changing the Fucking toilet paper roll, breathing.

It's terrible, I know, that I'm kind of glad that she's leaving. This trip has been harder on me than all of the others. Maybe because I didn't initiate this one. Maybe because there was no real goal in mind for her. Just visiting.

Maybe it's the intense mood swings I've been having all week that are getting in the way. Yeah, I'm physically exhausted and my hormones are out of whack.

It sure would be nice to blame those things, or a million others. But I can't. The problem lies within me. And her, I guess. Our stuff. History, I'm thinking and I bet my Nice Lady will have something to say about it when we talk this morning.

She asks questions that are inappropriate. She snoops through our shit. She makes negative or judgemental comments about Twig's experience or whatever in front of him. She doesn't pick up on the subtle, and sometimes in-her-face ques to shut the Fuck up. She vacuums without asking if I want her to do it and then expects me to fall all over her for doing so (she probably just wants me to notice). She gets in the middle of my parenting, trying to soften what it is I'm trying to do when softening is unnecessary. She feels uncomfortable and makes whatever is happening about her. It's NOT about her. She doesn't know her own time and space. I don't know how to speak my peace in a way that she will hear and respect my wishes.

I probably haven't been the most fun to be with this week. It's maybe been a little better than I feel. But maybe not. What I am sure of is that everything is loud as Fuck lately.

It's 5:48am and I want some Fucking peace and quiet.

That'll have to wait until tomorrow. She's blow drying her hair.

Too Much

Wood used to say "Girl, you're too much!" To which I'd respond "I'm just right and don't you forget it."

Tonight he made me a whiskey sour. When I finished it, he made me a second. It was a silly evening. We laughed and giggled. I fell asleep with Twig and it didn't matter that his bedtime was after 9pm for the second time this week. He got his homework started and it's late opening tomorrow so we can really sleep in. We enjoyed each other and there was no arguing. Score.

Whiskey, on the other hand... No score. I woke up at about 1:30am with a headache. Belly ache. Congestion. Alcohol induced insomnia. Too much of what I do not need.

Meditation for the rest of this week will focus on: strength, abundance, capability, an open and welcoming environment to move to, health, exercise, diet and self care. Essentially, making well considered choices that are in my best interest.

Somehow, a Whiskey Sour or any of his brethren, aren't on that list. Oh, yeah, they're too much of the wrong kind. Wonelle, don't forget that!

A Little Help

I recently read this article that talked about the idea of creating ones reality and that with a little help from complete strangers, actually DID change their reality!

Won't you read the post over at Silver Raven and let me know if you'd like to partner up with me or another faithful reader from this here blog? I'd totally be up for a little reality shifting. And I am definitely not afraid to ask for help.

http://silverravenwolf.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/this-can-change-your-life-by-g-t-long/

I'll get to work on framing my new reality so that when help arrrives I've got it right and ready to go.

Waves

Life is up and down.

Mothers day and my birthday kinda sucked. It wasn't necessarily bad but it was just as rough as any other Sunday. Laundry, cooking, shopping, kid wrangling. Oh, the kid wrangling!

My mom unexpectedly showed up on Saturday - Wood told me so it wasn't a complete shock. I acted surprised and it made her happy. It makes me happy too, that she's here. Which is why I am having a tough time with my low feeling tonight. There is no "reason" to feel yucky.

It could have something to do with the job I'm applying for being very big (and the girl in my head that thinks I'm not up for it) or the unsuccessful clothes shopping adventure (because my clothes don't fit, I didn't find anything to buy and I can hardly believe I let myself get to this weight).

I have an underlying lack of confidence in myself anymore. It's not familiar and I don't like it one little bit. My Nice Lady says that the Little Wonelle that survived has done a fantastic job keeping things functional - until now. Her strategies aren't working anymore -they never really were, actually. We are seeing and feeling the same stuff we've always seen and felt and our same old responses don't work anymore. The lack of confidence is probably a combination of the old voices talking shit and the more mature voices knowing that the old voices can't keep things together by sheer will anymore.

I haven't been to the gym consistently but I signed up for a 4 week crossfit class that starts next Tuesday (happy birthday, happy mother's day to me!). I hope it is the shot in the arm I need to create community and consistency in my workouts. If it costs more, whatever. I'm worth it.

Wood has been rather aggressive with me and with Twig. Verbally. For example at dinner the other night Twig wanted to talk about the.water fluoridation measure that's on the ballot here. His friends have been talking about it and he is looking for more information on the subject. Wood hates it when he hears "my friend said" because it implies that Twig believes the friend. Wood's tone changes and it sounds angry. I interject and say "May I make an observation?" to which he responds
"NO, YOU MAY NOT." 
"Really? Why is that? Because you sound angry and that's maybe not what you're trying to be" (toward your 8 year old kid that's just learning about peer pressure, what other people think, how to make an informed choice, etc. You Asshat). It's weighing heavily on me. This macho bullshit that comes out of him periodically. I don't like it.

Meditation has been tough to get to. I can't do it if anyone but Wood is awake. However, Twig is starting to understand that when I tell him to be quiet and leave me alone, he must do so. That is good stuff right there.

Work seems to be settling down - people are behaving for the moment. That is good.

Now it is time to hit the gym.

Tuesday Boring

I woke from a scary dream early this morning. In the dream Wood was scared and frightened me. That is all. I gasped myself awake and didn't go back to sleep.

The gym was just fine, once I got there. It seems like I'm weighted down in the warm cozy bed but once I'm moving around its okay. I feel self conscious though, when other people are around, seeing my workout. Whatever, I'm still doing it.

Meditated again today. Turns out, 5 minutes goes fast. And it's harder to concentrate when the boys are doing subtraction and carrying-over  homework in the other room. I figure it's good practice for maintaining calm during real life.

My quest for a new job is manifesting in advertisements to respond to! Thank you Universe. I am prepared. I am worthy. I will talk positively to myself, about myself, for myself. I am strong and capable and there is a better place for me. In the meantime I will do the right thing, even when it's inconvenient.

Me, Me, Me

The Meditation space the Nice Lady and I discussed is all set up. It only took $40 and rearranging the living room; the pieces fell together with surprising ease.

It's a shelf on the book case that I've decorated with a new candle, an orchid (please stay alive!), a picture of something Buddhist-esque, "the hand of God" holding a found penny (find a penny, pick it up...), and a container of sea glass given to me by my best friend whom I haven't seen nor talked to in a good year or more. Not for my lack of trying. But, I digress.

The act of meditation also went better that I expected. Granted, 5 minutes ain't shit, but it's my shit, but I did it decently. It was my first try. I think I may have been a bit more grounded today. I look forward to doing it again tomorrow.

The best part of meditation is that it isn't bothering anyone. I can do it at home. No noise, interruptions, etc. It fits nicely into the family dynamic.

Nothing on the Alanon front yet. I want a new job. I am applying for a job with the county. It's a birthday present to myself. Moving on is important to me. I want to be somewhere that I am appreciated for what I can bring to the table AND bring it to the table.

Gym tomorrow. I can't ask myself if I will go. I have to state that I am going. It's been almost 2 weeks and any gains I'd made (as in weight or inches lost are gone). The personal training the boys will get me for mothers day/my birthday will help. Turns out I don't enjoy doing it alone every time. I'm strangely social when it comes to exercise.

Since I've been up since roughly 2am, it's my time to sleep now.

Be Well!

Weekend Bliss

Friday was super tough. It started with crying at home and continued at my Nice Lady appointment. Probably 2 hours worth when it was all said and done.

My Nice Lady thinks this is "good", that I've hit rock bottom and we can move forward now. I'm 4 months into my commitment to see her weekly for a year.  Things were much harder back in December, I think; crying multiple times a day for no reason. Now I'm just paralyzed by being overwhelmed and responding in a knee jerk fight or flight kind of way for everything. It's like I've got an allergy to people and my mind-body response is hardwired to behave "historically". I'm tired and know it, and I'm responding to those things as-usual, even though they won't work. But tools aren't something I've gathered along the way. 

She suggested two things: meditation (and a space for it at home) and Alanon meetings.

The meditation space I'm 100% in agreement with. Alanon, not so much. The time is hard to come by but I will probably fit it in at lunchtime. I'll suspend judgment until I've gone to a meeting or three.

My plan for the weekend has so far been foiled by unexpected homework assignments, helping a friend move, and an impromptu icecream/wine shin-dig with our neighbors. Each has been lovely. Although hanging with my college friend and his family was tough-ish for me - he and his friend are alcoholic and it wasn't super fun to be around his drunk ass. I wanted to leave soon after arriving. They have their place at the table but it's tenuous for me now. I need something stronger, more steady, fully present.

More homework tomorrow, laundry, grocery shopping, a playdate (hopefully two), a show, and maybe some time for me. I want to hit the gym and work on my meditation space. No matter what, I'm feeling okay. Rather grounded. It could change tomorrow. But for this moment...

Despite the Angst

It is clear that I have so much to be thankful for. And, I am full of gratitude for my boys, among other things. Cuddling them up first thing in the  morning really brings my blood pressure to an even place, makes me feel important, and gives meaning to the internal struggles I face. It's perspective in physical form. It is grounding. It is what I want to focus on!

TGTF - Thank Goodness Tomorrow's Friday

Today was hard. It wasn't all bad, but a bunch of stuff was really intense. Work related of course - things like being expected to produce something for which you have no clear direction, plan, or product goal. Things like smoke and mirrors are tough for me. I like structure, clarity, planning - I thrive amidst a smidgen of linear thinking and that is missing at my job.

I admitted to myself, and my husband that I want out from under my current employer. It's time. Again.

The saving grace of today was that I had to pick up Twig from school at 3pm. The weather was gorgeous, friends hung out on the playground, and chatted. I felt normal for a few minutes.

I need to find myself with no agenda more often, just hanging out. Being.

The stress has been overwhelming. I have no desire to work out or eat. Or have pleasure, it would seem. The not eating anything all day piece is very, very bad. Historical bad. And I've repeated it too many times in the last two weeks. Coffee and adrenaline. Angry and emotional. Irrational (at least in my own head).

It's okay to be overwhelmed. To slow down. To take care of myself.

Tomorrow is Friday and I will see my Nice Lady, work, and then socialize with women friends in the evening. Wood and Twig will have a double-date boys movie night out (Iron Man 3).

We will help friends move on Saturday. Sunday we will see Cinderella as a family with Grandma and one of Twigs friends. It will be fairly low key.

I will work out this weekend. Clean the toilet. Maybe take a nap. That would be luxurious. Regardless, I will partake in some self-care and some self-love this weekend.

Be Well yourself.

Annoyed

With the car key that fell into the slide-guide thingy between the car seat and center console and then wouldn't come out.

My husband, trying to be silly and lighten the mood.

My lack of libido and interest in going to the gym. My pants that are too tough to button, my shirts that are too small. My appetite that is too great.

My boss for throwing me under the bus, making me the potential bad guy rather than making a choice herself. My staffer for being such a bitch. For no reason other than not getting what she wants. For too much work and not enough hours in the day.

Drivers. Pedestrians. Traffic. Political poop heads putting up pooppy political signs on our lawn. School PTA and Foundation meetings.

The struggle. Actually, the lack of movement away from the struggle and toward lightness.

Feeling under the weather. Like I'm congested and getting sick. I'm annoyed with that, too.

I'm cranky!

I really need some light. I'm trying to find it. But now I will go to sleep.

Thank you for wishing me peace. It is good. Helpful. Hopeful. I appreciate it!