Paint Therapy

Unfinished projects make me crazy. Every time I walk into a room they just jump out at me. No drapes, holes in the wall, no door stop, a chip in the paint, only half of the baseboard in place. The thing that makes me craziest is that the unfinished project is that only because we lack time and energy. You see, all of the supplies needed to complete most of the household projects that stare me in the face from the moment I wake until the moment I slumber live in the garage. They call to me while I sleep - "please, come and get me, I'm ready to complete your project." If only I could learn the 'get by on 4 hours of sleep' technique. Then, maybe I would have fewer projects on my to do list.

My wish list of things to do before working full-time again includes the following:

• Paint Entry & Hall Upstairs
• Photos Uploaded to Snapfish (2.4 years worth)
• Research Childcare (closer to home)
• Research Refinancing the House (?)
• Swimming Lessons for the little-one
• Complete Emergency Preparedness Packs (this should be first on the list)
• New Eye Glasses/Frames
• Finish Organizing the Garage
• Post items for sale on Craigslist
• Refinish Desk
• TOM's Stuff

My job starts sometime next week, Friday at the latest. I figure that if I can finish the painting this week that everything except the desk refinishing can get done next week. I think it's quite reasonable. Look at what's in progress or already done:

• Paint Entry & Hall Upstairs (making good progress)
• Photos Uploaded to Snapfish (nearly 200 moved today)
• Research Childcare (nothing better and/or priced comparably) DONE
  
• Research Refinancing the House (not going to do this) DONE
  
• Swimming Lessons for the little-one DONE
  
• Complete Emergency Preparedness Packs (about half way there but no cash to complete)
• New Eye Glasses/Frames (appointment made) DONE
  

It felt good to be self sufficient today. And, if the way I feel about painting the entry the most lovely shade of Ginger Root Orange and being half way done with baseboards is any indicator of how great I'll feel with the other stuff done, I'd be willing to take a bet or two.

Stay tuned.

Stress Ball

Go to bed early, wake up several times throughout the night and have difficulty falling back to sleep. Wake up early, overtired, having had very strange dreams about being pregnant, and my dead dad. Spend my free days working on projects around the house - cleaning the rat poop out of the garage, organizing closets, detailing the car, painting the entry. Write endlessly (or at least think endlessly about writing) and get crap off of my chest so that it goes away. I need to spend more time at the computer writing so that this stuff doesn't keep me up at night.

I'm a stress ball because my job should be starting full time soon. It's manifesting itself as described above. Why do I do these things? I'm stressed about something that I have no control over but I insist on making myself crazy about it before it even happens. Trying to be cautious? No. Probably trying to control the world which I have no control over.

Freak.

Refreshing

My new employer offered me an opportunity to do some reading pre-employment so that when I have to take some time off soon after I start working, it can be taken with pay. It seemed to me to be a good option. I could do some prep work prior to my start date and also get my full paycheck when taking some time off. I could also get some of the itch to get started to ease up a bit.

The training has morphed into several hours of reading and meeting with my predecessor and supervisor. This isn't a problem as I've learned that my intuition and assumptions about relationships and work styles were correct. My boss has been a bit annoyed with my predecessor, who seems to be unhappy in his job, and I'm benefitting from that because we are discussing these issues openly and honestly. This entire process has been refreshing to me. In the interview the job was clearly stated not assuming that I, the applicant, had recently read the description and understood it in it's entirety. There were opportunities for back and forth discussion about what both parties needed and expected from the other if we chose to enter into a relationship and this has continued!

My supervisor has told me his m.o., the areas that he will be hyper-vigilant about, what pisses him off, what doesn't, and that he's always got an open door - even when it's closed. His style seems to mesh pretty well with mine. Even if it's different - I know where I stand in the grand scheme of the work I'll be doing and that is huge, in my book. I know this half of the equation and that means I'll be that much closer to success.

I'm also reading 'The Art of War'. Thinking about what I need to do to be successful. The issue is that I know what to do. The problem is that sometimes I don't know how to do it. Sometimes I know what needs to be done and and how to do it, I just don't want to do it - whatever it is. That's some heavy shit right there. And, if I do say so myself, a bit immature. These are choices. Choices that determine the future. Choices that will make or break a person. That's what I need to sit with. Decide 'what do you want your future to be?' and then act upon it. Like a grown up.

Three,

There are only three visits left with the Nice Lady - three visits that are covered by my insurance, that is. Interestingly enough, the insurance that my new employer offers, The Nice Lady does not take. My existing insurance will end at the end of February. My new insurance will begin sometime in February. I have seen positive benefits from these visits with the Nice Lady, my Husband and I agree that the conversations should not end. The Nice Lady has agreed to help me locate a new provider that accepts my insurance and would be a good match for me as I work through the issues that have brought me to her in the first place. Whew, I didn't want to have the discussion about not wanting to ask my new employer about taking time off once a week for an appointment.

There are parallels between my upbringing and my current state of affairs. I get involved in situations/relationships that aren't necessarily good for me. I see red flags, dismiss them, and get in over my head. Maybe I think that "it" isn't going to happen to me. Maybe I think that the "issues" won't be that difficult to navigate. Maybe I think that I can "change" the person. That last 'maybe' was the Nice Lady's thought. Not mine. I don't think that I can change other people. As much as I want to. My mother is never going to be able to be what I want her to be for me. My Husband is never going to be "everything" to me - at least not all of the time. Why expect that he could be, that she would be, or that I am so good as to be able to change someone else? It's never happened before. Why would I think it would now?

Maybe it's just the way I'm used to behaving. It's my "role" in certain relationships to 'make people see the truth', or something like that... I am a "know-it-all". I do always want to be 'right'. My way is usually better and if it's not, I'll make it better. When there are problems I want them fixed so that the collective we can move on. Problem is, not everyone is interested in operating in the same way.

Keep reading "The Art of War".

On An Island

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone on an Island.

I've just gone deaf, mute, blind, and insane for a second or two.

When I breathe and take a look around me, I realize I'm attending an Island party.

We all check out every now and again.

Some do it more seamlessly and effortlessly than me.

This is good practice.

Judgement

This nice lady seems to have been able to cut right through the crap and tell me about myself. Go, Nice Lady! In her estimation these problems are about my inability to judge situations and their likely outcomes correctly. This creates situations sticky situations and bad behavior on my part. Thus I get myself into trouble.

I'm really into the Truth. Omission is to some extent lying, in my opinion. I hate lying. I hate superficial conversations. What is the purpose of having superficial conversations? None. Why talk to someone about things that are meaningless? Why talk if there's nothing to talk about? Why get into relationships with people that you know don't have the skills to do the right thing, make good decisions, behave ethically, etc? Why stay in relationships (be it personal or professional ones) that don't fit with your concept of Truth? What about your early upbringing, family relationships, etc. has led you to understand relationships 'should' be this way?

Mom's kinda secretive. Not terribly adept at manipulation. She sees everything as Black & White. Fights to get what she wants and when it doesn't go her way, she walks away. Burns bridges. Never looks back. I guess that's what I've been doing to some extent.

Despite the fact that I don't want situations to turn out the way that they have and have decided that long-term relationships take effort that I'm willing to invest, when other people won't come to the table to negotiate, there's a real problem. I'm not seeing the unwillingness, inability, futility in the situation - I'm at least not acting on it before it becomes a problem. Actually, not acting on it quickly enough. I see the red flags, even note them. I understand the warning signs and yet don't act upon them. Maybe I just don't have the skills to manipulate situations to my advantage.

I don't know how to be superficial so I let other people get too close. When I state my case it's usually because I'm in too far over my head. The situation has come to a head. In order to not be incredibly mean and nasty, I retreat in order to get space, recollect my thoughts, and to give the other person time to come to their senses. When they don't, It's over. The intimate part for sure.

As a child, there was nowhere to retreat to. You had to stay. You kept your mouth shut or got a belt. I usually got the belt. And seethed afterward. Or risked getting the belt again. Which I usually got again. Never really figured out how to keep my mouth shut, opinions, and facial expressions to myself so that the other person thought I believed their way. Because I usually didn't believe their way. To play 'as if' was lying. Even though I'm an adult and know it's not, when I have to or manage to do it, it feels like lying.

This is really important stuff. This letting go of sorts, of having superficial conversations, saying what the other person wants to hear, omitting certain facts, of manipulating situations to get my way (or whatever), is necessary for my long term professional (and personal) life... But how to do those things in ways that feel somewhat ethical? My reputation and opinions of myself is built upon that of being honest, fair, hard working, loyal, and trustworthy. I don't know how to do the former without jeopardizing the latter.

In my house, you couldn't go until the adult said it was the time to. Either that or you were completely left out on your own to fend for yourself. I never wanted to be an adult. Never wanted to be the adult that used my power over children or other people just because I could. The power mongers weren't happy. I could see their eyes full of self-loathing. When she said it was time to go, she burned bridges and no one was allowed to look back. It was the only way to get something else. Something else always turned out to be the same wolf in different clothing. It seems like she still hasn't learned. Doesn't want to look back. That's where we're different. My willingness to look at the Truth and Work, no matter how it hurts, helps me to move on, get the things I want in my life, and keep them.

Interesting stuff.

I need to read "The Art of War".

Chosen!

Yaaaayyy! I got the job! Yep, the Executive Director called this morning and offered me the position. I accepted and tried to sound calm, cool, and collected about it. He said that there were a lot of really qualified people that interviewed for the job but I seemed to make the best match for the job because I seemed to understand the balance of work is aimed mostly at administrative tasks and my references were so enthusiastic about me. I explained that that was fabulous because the day of the interview I had a horrible case of food poisoning and wondered at serveral moments throughout if I was going to make it through the interview. "If that was you at your worst, then..." Yes, it is true. I kicked ass at that interview despite the fact that my ass was kicking me.

Good things about the job: Supportive ED, Location, type of work, time off, pay, benefits, etc.

Bad things about the job: 40 hours per week.

How to balance it all? I've really enjoyed the past few weeks with my family. Even my two year old hasn't been as difficult as he could be lately. He's been more maliable of late. I've been less stressed out. It's probably that.

Now on the home front we have to figure out how to manage the house and dog and real life. I think it comes down to me knowing and becoming one with the fact that it's going to fall mostly on me. I am going to need to be a good house manager and enlist the help of the entire family for what needs to be done. Here are a few things I know that will help: Hubbie can do the grocery shopping on his way home from work. We can go back to our excel spreadsheet schedule - switch off cooking, cleaning, and bed time routine, get to the gym, and do a chore a day to keep things from piling up for the weekend. We can start that routine right now. I have to get beyond being upset about having to ask for 'it' and just ask. Nicely. Without judgement. Give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. In time, they'll hopefully do what needs to be done not because I ask but because they know it needs to be done. They are smart, big boys.

On the work front I need to make sure that the home front is taken care of and that life there is as simple as possible. I need to develop some good skills for managing people that are difficult and remember that every relationship I enter into is a marriage of sorts. I'm in it for the long haul and like I said for the home front, I need to give others the benefit of the doubt, ask first, and not take it personally. I know this stuff. I can do this! I will do this! I was chosen to do this!

Up and Down

I'm feeling yucky today. It's probably this cough that is keeping me down. That and the lack of knowing about the job that I want and know I'm a finalist for. I had hoped to hear last week but I haven't. And I'm obsessed with when I might hear whether or not I'm being offered the position. When should I decide that I've not been selected? Should I ask the potential employer? When? How aggressively should I be pursuing other work? Blah, blah, blah. I need a job and we need the money. That's where the stress comes from.

Writing on this blog tends to help. I can get things out of my system and into the universe where it belongs. It means that the stress and inertia aren't directed at my loved ones or myself. It's interesting though that I find myself censoring my thoughts and typing. I have only told one friend about this blog. Otherwise no one else knows that I write here. That and if they did there are few things that could really link it back to me. It stems from being invaded so many years ago. That one is going to take a while to work through. That and I should work on being more vague and poetic when expressing my feelings about certain things. Hmmm.

Looking for a J-O-B sucks.

I'm looking for a job. I spend a majority of my day searching on-line employment sites, reading job descriptions and wondering if the job could be a match for me. Job searching sucks. Being a mother (and wife, to a much less extent) diminshes the number of positions for which I can apply. You see, most jobs, in the "requirements" section of the posting say "flexibility in hours worked", "must be willing to work evenings and/or weekends", "travel required 30% of the time", or something similar that essentially screams "those that have priorities which may in any way rival being a slave to this job need not apply". I've applied to several jobs though. And, I've had fairly good success - three interviews so far. I know for a fact that my references have been checked on two but I've not received a phone call/offer from either. I want only one of the potential jobs. It's full time, seems to be a good match, and meets all of the other basic criteria. Good hours, location, benefits, time off, pay. Seems to have a good Executive Director and culture. However, I'm in purgatory. That is the part that sucks. I want to be chosen, to have a job, to be contributing to my family's financial matters, productive, etc. All of those things I know myself to be capable of.

Despite the fact that I'm searching for work, I am feeling much more relaxed about life in general - I feel like I can manage it all at the moment. It's not going to be so simple when I am working full time, though. How will we be able to manage all of the things that need to be managed when we both are out of the house 10(+)hours (out of the 16 hours we're awake) every day (yes, we both do need a lot of sleep)?

Hubbie and I are discussing how to keep, in particular my, stress levels down once I start to work full-time. My stating that I'd like a housekeeper every couple of weeks, and possibly babysitter a couple of times a week, prompted him to tell me that he needed to bring me "back down to earth". Hmmm, I think I'm on this here rock but maybe we haven't discussed it fully. Maybe I haven't made my case well enough...

There's too much going on during the week when working full-time to do it all and I need help. Period. Help. That's what I need to make sure my mental health and by default, relationships with my family, friends, and co-workers stay intact. He contends that I'm spending money that hasn't been earned yet and that we have a bunch of credit card debt that's hanging over our heads. Yes and yes. It is money that hasn't been earned yet and we do have debt. However, I'm primarily responsible for transportation to and from day care, cooking, cleaning, shopping, preparing lunch, bed time stories, breakfast, bathing, dressing, grooming, etc. He's responsible for trash & recycling (once a week), picking up dog shit (which I've been told recently he resents), and keeping track of the finances - and he works a lot.

There's a lot that need to be done though. In addition to the working and other stuff we have play dates, dog walks, family and social relationships, and among other things, nap time (oh, yeah, my libido has been like it was pre-kid recently - where the hell does that get stuck in? - no pun intended). My point here is that even if we let it all go during the week, there is only so much time on the weekends to complete all of this stuff. If I have to do it all by myself I just can't manage to be happy-go-lucky too. I can do a lot but I know my limitations and expectations. I didn't do so well before and I want a certain lifestyle. I want to be happy and have the house clean/well organized. He's not in a position in his job to be the regular in terms of pick-up/drop off and by default, much of the other stuff. So, I've done my best to ignore and not be bothered by the "when you get a job..." comments (I just don't hear the humor in his tone).

Money is an issue (no shit, like it's not for most people, huh?). We only have so much money to last for an indefinite amount of time. I feel the pressure. I get it. Really. I do. But I'm the Mom. I'm expected to do certain things and with his work situation being what it is, I am limited to working during the hours our child is in daycare. 8:30am until 5pm. Unless of course, his job changes in such a way that he is going to be able to be a "regular" in some of the other activities. Which is not the case - especially if he moves on to another position, company, etc. Besides, I want to spend time with my family (stress free so that among other things, I can get laid, damn it) on the weekends. Neither of us will have the energy to do it all all of the time. I'm just trying to be realistic. I know what I want and what I need. I know our limitations and unfortunately the discussion(s) didn't go over too well. But we will continue to talk about this - but not until I have been offered a full-time job. Which, as I said, I'm searching for.

The Nice Lady said that she thought it was going to be "interesting to see how you manage it" once working full-time. Uuhh, that's my concern too and I'm trying to work it out now so that it's not a problem later. Didn't she hear me at our first meeting??? Yeah, she did. She's just stating the obvious. Time is all it's really gonna take.

I Resolve...

For the first time in many years I feel compelled to make resolutions for the new year. Probably because my life feels so completely out of control. Resolutions can make you feel like you have a fighting chance to control your destiny. Yeah, my life is out of control. There's nothing I can do about it. So, I've decided that my usual "I resolve to make no resolutions" should stand. Breathe. Live for the moment. Live.

New Years Eve is 'Amateur Night'.

The day before New Year's Eve I went out with a couple of friends. We've known each other for many years. We eat dinner together pretty frequently, hang out togehter on the weekends occasionally, go on vacation together sometimes. I know these two women throught my Husband's association with their Husbands. They have known each other for a long time. Actually, the two women met in college. They are best friends. They are girly-girls. I am not (a regular best friend to anyone - at the moment - or a girly-girl). But, I have had a rough time of it as of late and am in no position to turn down friendship - or an evening away from mommy-duty. So, at their most gracious invitation, we planned to get out and have a drink or two.

We met at a place that I read about in Oakland Magazine as having good food and drinks. We decided that we'd check it out and if we didn't like it, we'd leave and go to a more well-known place just down the street. It was tough to get out of the house. No pant pulling, no looks of indignation. Just my inner critic telling me that I'm not fashionable enough, not sociable enough, not cute enough, not enough. No matter that my husband has always said "girrl - you're too much". My "actually, my sweet, I'm just right and don't you forget it!" retort hasn't been there for a long time. I haven't had my usual sense of humor since I was pregnant three years ago. I care less than ever what I look like, how my clothes fit, and what other people think. I have been changed from the inside out and the woman who was me only shows glimpses of herself here every now and again.

We talked about a lot of different things and I learned a secret about these women. They are slowly but surely letting me into the fold. Maybe it's me slowly but surely being open to it. Nah, it's probably a combination of the two.

I didn't get home until after midnight, smelling of vodka. Hope we do that again soon. It was fun. Yeah, being a friend and girly-girl isn't as bad as I make it out to be.