Choices

I'm going to go for it. Scared to death but I'm going to take the plunge and accept the job.

Decisions, Decisions

I was offered the job!

As I spouted off all of the pros and cons to Wood, the CEO called and offered me the job. She said she never wavered from me as the top candidate from a pool of 8 (or 9) very qualified people. I expressed my thanks and expressed that I was flattered to be her choice, and proceeded to tell her that I needed to discuss the offer with my husband and call her back next week.

I'm torn. Scared of staying where I am, of leaving, of doing something new, with new people, new places - of doing new things. Boy, Wood's friend sure did hit the nail on the head.

Ultimately, my issue is about taking a leap of faith.

I can barely recognize myself here - wanting to make the right choice so badly and not confident in my choice. There are reasons to stay and reasons to go.

Reasons to stay include a fair amount of autonomy and flexibility. Reasons to leave include too much responsibility, too many (difficult) staff, etc.

Reasons to go include an environment that is crazy-making (not that the new place isn't also crazy-making - it's a serious unknown).  More money, less responsibility, opportunity to do new things and a slightly different arena of work.

I'm leaning toward taking it. Really, I am. But I need to talk to the CEO and get some more information about her, style, and issues that are important to me - autonomy, etc.

Vacation

Sad, homesick, weepy, familiar, and distant. All words that could be used to describe the feeling of being home on vacation. None correct.

The feeling I couldn't conjure a word for is Melancholy.

It's familiar but not familiar here. People, places, streets, feelings. Not quite the same as they once were. They can never be, really. And yet I long for them. Simultaneously knowing that it's futile to do so.

I am working on being present in this moment. It's all I've got. I can't wax poetic about what was and live now at the same time. That's taking now for granted. Not intentionally, but really the case.

Always ready to move on, and yet I'm stuck in the past. I never fully lived it. Re-living isn't possible. I mourn what was, what could have been. What I wish I was. What I wish I were. Then and now.

Wood and Radical Acceptance are correct, it's time to love all of me. Now is the time to try.

Friday Topics

Friday is Nice Lady day. First thing in the morning I head out to chat.

Last week was tough.

This week wasn't much easier. I can't form sentences all too well - when it comes to this shizzle, yo, so I'm gonna write a list-y kind of thing...

Trust - in the goodness of others or likelihood that someone will do me wrong
Faith - in something like God or a higher power and the fact that I can't will things to be
Kindness - with self first
Open heart - what is so scary about all of the above?
Alanon - ugh, I'm so disinterested and she won't drop it
Me - be nice and first take care of self. This includes eating, sleeping, reading, etc.
Vacation - starts now

That's all I've got now. Thanks for reading, Paula. And anyone else that comes here.

The Universe

The greater the emotional pain, Wonelle, the greater the desire had been to learn the most, fast.

Impressive,
     The Universe

*******************
And the greater the desire, Wonelle, to get on with happily ever after... which begins right about now.

www.tut.com

HUNGRY

I woke up at 3am, my head full of shit from the day and anxiety about a job interview I've got today. And then my belly got all belchy and started saying "feed me, Seymour"  so, instead of ignoring it and staying awake for the rest of the night, tossing and turning, stressing about shit I can't fix anyway, and being pissed off that I was awake, I headed to the kitchen for some Pastrami (salt), milk/honey cookie (starch and I'm just guessing here, but some saturated fat), and strawberry lemonade (sweet). Then I FELL BACK TO SLEEP. And woke up this morning ravenous.

I can do this. I can do it well. With some food in my belly!

Dreaming

Walking around, I threw my shoes - into a room I wanted to go into, to see what was going on, but the doors closed.

Before the shoe throwing there were gobs of people around - it was about the holidays.

We left and got a fair distance away, swimming, and I remembered my shoes. I climbed back up and into the hotel to retrieve them.

A man was cleaning shoes in a closet. There were several pair there and one looked kind of like mine, but they weren't. He led me to anothe spot where they could be. And then told me I'd have to wait.

His boss called me into a room. He was weird. The boss. Socially weird. But he looked familiar. I asked if he was the brother of a friend. From the running group. Explained I knew him, his daughter. Asked him his name. When he was under-responsive, I asked more questions. He played music - blasted it. I complimented his eclectic choices. I was not afraid.

He threatened me strangely, for tossing my shoes into the place that wasn't to be seen with plastic surgery. Held my head and face, traced all of the lines he'd cut, where he'd tuck and made a plan for the surgery. The shoe cleaner watched. It wasn't planned for today, it was for the time I came back. If I chose to come back again. That would be the punishment, I suppose.

I walk along a group of very young people. Mostly women w/their mom's. They're checking in to college. We weave along the windy path. I know my way, but not at the same time. I make a few friends and they tell the mothers about me. I will keep an eye on them. I'm a junior.

Intense Pain

I can't quite remember the last time I felt such an intense pain. Emotional, gut wrenching, pain.

It's real.

I'm working on it.

It will be better in the end.

Whenever that is.

For now, I read Radical Acceptance. And cry. A lot.

On Being Me

Nice Lady appointment today was rough. Real shit coming down the pike, yo.

Drill it down and the issue is abuse. That's harsh, for Fucking sure. But it's most likely the goddamned Truth.

I have a chip on my shoulder. I'm angry. I'm mean. Not always. But when I am, people react.

I'm mean.

To give or receive mean hurts like a motherfucking motherfucker.

So there it is.

Complaining

I'm in a "Fuck everybody, I hate people" mood. Mostly in my body and mind this week.

People, particularly at work, are annoying me to no end. I've let my inner bitch run wild a minute or two here and there.

Poor thing, she's been cooped up for such a long time... And I'm so darned rough on her for coming out every now and again. As if she should not exist.

She does. I DO. I EXIST.

So, here's the truth: I'm not interested in everybody and their goddamned feelings. Grow up. Get a pair.

If you don't want to do that, move on motherfucker. I'm over the bullshit.

Done.

My knee hurts like hell and isn't getting better. I let work drama keep me up last night. I'm in a place where I'm too exhausted at the end of the day to give my family what they need. Done, I tell you. Done.

Being In Charge

It is tough to constantly be in charge. I am - at home and at work - always the responsible one. Always in charge of everyone and everything.

Usually it's okay. But I'm beat down these days. Supervisor to people I'd have never in a million years hired is absolutely draining. Only because I work in a place that has no boundaries so bad behavior seems to be acceptable - even expected - and there aren't often repercussions for it.

In her written performance evaluation, a staff person stated that I'm disrespectful and not supportive. That concerns are minimized or ignored and some other, in the same vein, harsh stuff that was really hard to hear.

While I contend that this person is, again, someone I'd never hire, a pain in the ass, and adept at bitching instead of working, there is a bit of truth to her complaints. In my attempt to create clarity and boundaries, my supervisory authority does mean that I am clear about things being "my decision" and when it is appropriate (or not) to gossip about decisions that haven't been made. I know I sometimes seem like I don't give a shit. And honestly, sometimes, I don't.

So, there's the rub. I want to be in charge. But not of lazy babies whose mommies are going to give them a lolly just to prevent a crying tantrum in the middle of the grocery store because that's easier than dealing with the reality of teaching said baby that No means No and you have to deal with that.

So, I've been doing my best to refrain from defending, explaining and justifying my decisions and actions. But I've got a lot of babies in my midst. Babies that are used to mommy talking too much and making sure they "feel heard".

I listen. I don't always agree and I certainly don't give in to everything that everyone wants all the time. I can't. And that's different than not supporting. But, it's important that I at least consider what's being said about how I'm in charge. It doesn't mean that I necessarily need to change. Just consider how to seem more supportive to certain people.

I'll also consider that I've got a freaking job interview on Tuesday! It's probably a long shot. And the babies might be crazy there, too. Who knows? And vacation! Vacation is happening very soon!

Thanks, Universe, for giving me the right thing at the right time.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

Once my sister and the kids left, it was easy to settle into having our house and compact family all to ourselves again. My sister, bless her heart, just wanted to be home, I guess.

I've slept through the night for the past 4 nights in a row! Yea, it's true! And very, very exciting! Eat for Heat by Matt Stone has changed my life (for the last 4 nights anyway). Who knew that drinking less water throughout the day and eating some starch, sugar and salt instead, and particularly before bed could help?

I've been tracking my waking temperature daily and notice that I run much lower than normal. Sometimes as low as 96 degrees. Eat for Heat suggests that this is a sign of a poorly operating metabolism. The low temperatures and lack of sleep combined with eating too few calories, leave me cranky and lethargic. So, I'm trying to eat at my total daily energy expenditure as calculated from this calculator. The theory goes that most people gain weight from eating too little, not too much, and our bodies go into starvation mode, holding on to every calorie consumed to be prepared for the famine. Again, add poor sleep, and the low temperatures and do this enough and ones metabolism gets shot.

I'm working on getting enough sleep. If food helps, right on, I'm eating! Besides, I feel better when I'm well rested. And fed.

Like Mother Like Daughter

My sister decided not only to go home several days early but to leave at 9:30 at night without saying goodbye. I was exhausted and sleeping, Wood watching TV, Twig hanging out with them. She just packed everyone up and drove away. I'm so disappointed. It's so rude! And I told her that it sucked that she left without saying goodbye or letting us say goodbye. Because we were really looking forward to spending time together tomorrow. Maybe we offended them? Hey, my mom did it, too - walked out, no words, just left. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Now I'm just mad.