Noises

I'd like to think that I hear noises around me and that's what wake me but the truth is what I hear probably happens only in my head. Something arouses me and the brain starts moving and soon enough is working overtime.

I was dreaming, about something decent, when I was suddenly wide awake at 2am this morning. The voices in my head are questioning many of my moves - past and future - and it is disconcerting.

Working on this fundraiser is like a massive group project in college...there are helpers and hinderers and all this togetherness with people I haven't chosen is leaving me feeling like I'm a) not doing enough b) doing what I am doing incorrectly c) not liked by the people I'm working closely with d) being purposefully left out of the loop e) not doing a good job. Or everything, then some, all mashed up at the same time.

My confidence is feeling quite fragile - probably because I'm slightly out of my element - and its taking a lot of energy to keep myself in check. I'm trying to remember that my skill set is mine and I shouldn't be apologetic (with myself or others) for what I'm good at; I should embrace what I'm good at, present it as so and take whatever lumps come my way. There are always lumps. They're just hidden from plain sight so I don't always know about them. Or maybe I need to cool it - no lumps, no feeling badly, just work. Git'er done.

I don't know; tired now and need to get back to sleep. It's just that the house is quiet and dark and being awake now is almost like being alone. I miss being alone when I need to catch up with myself and tame the chatter.