Weekend Bliss

Friday was super tough. It started with crying at home and continued at my Nice Lady appointment. Probably 2 hours worth when it was all said and done.

My Nice Lady thinks this is "good", that I've hit rock bottom and we can move forward now. I'm 4 months into my commitment to see her weekly for a year.  Things were much harder back in December, I think; crying multiple times a day for no reason. Now I'm just paralyzed by being overwhelmed and responding in a knee jerk fight or flight kind of way for everything. It's like I've got an allergy to people and my mind-body response is hardwired to behave "historically". I'm tired and know it, and I'm responding to those things as-usual, even though they won't work. But tools aren't something I've gathered along the way. 

She suggested two things: meditation (and a space for it at home) and Alanon meetings.

The meditation space I'm 100% in agreement with. Alanon, not so much. The time is hard to come by but I will probably fit it in at lunchtime. I'll suspend judgment until I've gone to a meeting or three.

My plan for the weekend has so far been foiled by unexpected homework assignments, helping a friend move, and an impromptu icecream/wine shin-dig with our neighbors. Each has been lovely. Although hanging with my college friend and his family was tough-ish for me - he and his friend are alcoholic and it wasn't super fun to be around his drunk ass. I wanted to leave soon after arriving. They have their place at the table but it's tenuous for me now. I need something stronger, more steady, fully present.

More homework tomorrow, laundry, grocery shopping, a playdate (hopefully two), a show, and maybe some time for me. I want to hit the gym and work on my meditation space. No matter what, I'm feeling okay. Rather grounded. It could change tomorrow. But for this moment...