There's A Megaphone In My Ear

It began before 5 am. Around 4:30, I'm assuming, as it took a while of seething before I finally looked at the clock.

My mom who's been here since Saturday... I convinced her to stay an extra couple of days (my sister got a babysitter so she could)... Is leaving this morning.

I know she's trying to be quiet and she thinks she's being quiet. But she's not. Every single move she's made since she got up at 4:30am has reverberated through Twigs room, the bathroom, the hall and into my ears like she was standing next to my bed doing whatever the Fuck she's doing. Folding plastic bags, dropping shit on the floor, changing the Fucking toilet paper roll, breathing.

It's terrible, I know, that I'm kind of glad that she's leaving. This trip has been harder on me than all of the others. Maybe because I didn't initiate this one. Maybe because there was no real goal in mind for her. Just visiting.

Maybe it's the intense mood swings I've been having all week that are getting in the way. Yeah, I'm physically exhausted and my hormones are out of whack.

It sure would be nice to blame those things, or a million others. But I can't. The problem lies within me. And her, I guess. Our stuff. History, I'm thinking and I bet my Nice Lady will have something to say about it when we talk this morning.

She asks questions that are inappropriate. She snoops through our shit. She makes negative or judgemental comments about Twig's experience or whatever in front of him. She doesn't pick up on the subtle, and sometimes in-her-face ques to shut the Fuck up. She vacuums without asking if I want her to do it and then expects me to fall all over her for doing so (she probably just wants me to notice). She gets in the middle of my parenting, trying to soften what it is I'm trying to do when softening is unnecessary. She feels uncomfortable and makes whatever is happening about her. It's NOT about her. She doesn't know her own time and space. I don't know how to speak my peace in a way that she will hear and respect my wishes.

I probably haven't been the most fun to be with this week. It's maybe been a little better than I feel. But maybe not. What I am sure of is that everything is loud as Fuck lately.

It's 5:48am and I want some Fucking peace and quiet.

That'll have to wait until tomorrow. She's blow drying her hair.