Perfect Timing

There's nothing worth regret, Wonelle.

Absolutely nothing, ever.

Same for fear, worry, and anger.

Let 'em go, rise above, get down, move on -
    The Universe

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Friday found me on the couch watching Gray's Anatomy, lying in a great big puddle of tears. The show was perfect subject matter (moving, new job, friendships, relationships, and Alzheimer's disease among other heartfelt topics) for a self-pity-ing-over-feel-er such as myself.

By the time Wood got home, I was incapacitated. He knew I had spent the day crying. He probably doesn't realize I spent it crying about more than a bad "fit".

Choices.

I was lamenting the poor choices I have made because of someone else's input and despite my inner knowing. For wanting something different than what I had. For being practical and doing things I felt I should do instead of what would meet my emotional needs (can you say living with my mother-in-law for almost 2 years?). For not having what I want because I asked for permission instead of taking what I deserve.

Sleep.

I'm exhausted from taking care of everyone else's needs. Insomnia hit hard Friday night so I napped on Saturday. Wood doesn't care for it. Maybe he's worried that I'll fall into a deep depression, a valid concern - but this is a brand new flesh wound in an area that has been hurt before. There's significance here. Monday I woke feeling refreshed - because I don't have to go back; I slept through the night.

Art.

I started the Day of the Dead figurines. It didn't take long to feel like it was right.

More later.

Be Well,

Wonelle

XO

Something Up My Sleeve

1. Volunteer in Twig's classroom
2. Make Day of the Dead figurines
3. Develop an online database idea that's been brewing in my noggin for a long time
4. Apply for unemployment benefits
5. Reconnect with myself
6. Listen to my inner voice
7. Read Radical Acceptance
8. Exercise, clean the house, cook and care for my family - visit grandma and get her out if the house a couple of times a week
9. Apply for jobs
10. Forgive myself for not consistently doing 1-9 before now.

Sacrifice

A friend invited me to a special holiday sale event last night. I almost cancelled because I am so tired from work and I had already been out several nights this week. Instead, I checked in with Wood and with his positive reinforcement, decided to go anyway.

I must tell you, I had an AMAZING time. And only after a couple of hours settling into the scene (which wasn't entirely my speed) and looking at the treasure that was for the taking (and drinking a glass or three of champagne), I relaxed enough to buy myself something that I wouldn't normally buy for myself and remembered that I have interests and proclivities toward collecting things.

I have a fetish for paper and fabric and costume jewelry. I love the idea of continuing my grandfather's saucer and teacup collection. Some art excites me. I'm intrigued by what people create and strangers are so very interesting to talk to.

We talked and then had dinner out. This woman is one of my 60 something year old friends. I love that I am connected to women who are wiser than I am.

I enjoyed the evening so very, very much and as I had hoped, it filled me up a little bit. It also helped me realize how very, very much of myself I've given away. The first step toward healing is knowing. Right?

Wanna take a stab at this spread?

It's all so positive and things (at work) feel less than positive. Crushing the job means I plan on doing great at it! I'm not doing badly when I look at the numbers. But interactions with my boss makes feel like a 9 year old. I'm all over the freaking map. One minute okay, the next a puddle. My stuff is boiling over - confidence tanked at the slightest sideways glance. I worked hard to not be that gal and yet here I am. Made a bad choice even though I knew better. Now I suffer. Have I said all of this before?

Daylight Savings

The good thing about it is that I got some extra sleep. Still woke up exhausted as when I went to bed. My lower back hurts today (exercise related), I have an appointment with a new doctor to talk exhaustion and other symptoms that have been present for a while. Probably exacerbated by the stress and strain of a new job but a check up can't hurt.

I made a decision about work - I'm going to crush it. I wanted this. That's my choice. However, I also reserve the right to change my mind. Wood says in 6 months finances will be easier to make a switch. So there's that.

Happy Monday.

Impostor Syndrome

Yup, I feel like a fake.

I wonder if it's because I'm not being true to myself or just because I'm learning so much on the fly.

Rage is the other feeling. Me and my inner child are chummy these days. She's got some stuff to get through.