Memory Lane

Warning: this post is made under the influence of several home made Lemon Drops. These lemon drops were quite the hit at family camp a few weeks back. This is not the original recipe which calls for Meyer Lemons. Nope, the Meyer lemon tree hasn't produced enough yet this year to make it so. This recipe is with the ones that you get from just about any super.

Wonelle's Lemon Drops

Mix over ice:
1 Cup Freshly squeezed lemon Juice
1 Cup Vodka
1/2 Cup Triple Sec
1/2 Cup Simple Syrup (recipe follows)
Strain into Martini Glasses (if you've got it in you - rimmed with colored sugar)

Simple Syrup
4 Cups Evaporated Cane Juice Sugar
4 Cups Water

Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a low simmer until sugar granules liquefy.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my family has purchased a house together. What I failed to mention is that it's in the city where I grew up. They stayed there. I got out as soon as I could. They're moving and need to be out of their respective homes this week, the 31st.

I've been trying to assist Sister # 1 (the one with Husband and 2 kids) with childcare duty. It has been disastrous. I've been able to sit on the little one (the older one is 15) for a total of about 2 hours. It's not for the lack of trying though. It seems my child is on a completely different nap schedule than hers. As soon as I can watch her kid, mine is sleeping or vice versa. I somehow doubt that intention gains the same amount or type of positive thoughts as actually following through. In my heart of hearts I want to say "Whatever!" but I don't. I hear the brow beating in my own head. It's just as good as being there.

Sister #2 with one kid hasn't talked to me at all about needing help, etc. And to be fair, neither has sister #1. But hey, I'm bitching here. My Mom hasn't either. She's just a wreck. Can't make a decision about paint, flooring vs. carpet, etc. to save her life. Planning isn't even an option. I swear their brains just don't consider the lives of other people- or that talking is necessary to get things done. No phone calls, no discussion about what they need - or want - in terms of help from my family. It's frustrating to no end. So Wood works his arse off for the last two weekends helping out while I'm 100% responsible for Twig and feel like I'm getting a beating (behind my back of course) because I can't drop everything and help. Yeah, I do feel a bit guilty. It's my own shit...

My plan for today was to take Twig out in the morning, get a nap and then gather both him and my nephew for a park-playdate. Well, my playdate fell through (no biggie) and just as Twig fell asleep for his nap in the car, nephew was nowhere near going down. We don't fight Twig for naps at home anymore - it's just not worth it. If he happens to fall asleep in the car, Great! If not, Great! Usuallly though, he falls asleep in the car. Today he needed a little extra sleep and since I was trying to do good and was already there trying to do good, I drove through the town where I grew up. In case you don't know this - the town that I grew up in is The Town that I really, really don't like. The town that I would have absolutely no reason to visit if it weren't for the fact that my family lives there.

So, in order to give my child what he needed, I drove around The Town. And remembered.

...The house of my grade school best friend and that of many other grade-schoolmates...The Jews, the Scientists, Fat Southerners, Adopted Mexicans, Mormans,the Asian Kid with only a Dad and a Van, and the Outcasts (not to mention the school itself)...

And wondered what they are doing now.

...The house that I lived in until I was in High School - and the people that lived next door (on either side), the several folks on the street and the creek I would wander in for hours at a time. It's amazing to me these people that kept me sane while I grew up, and how amazingly thankful I am to those people for keeping me safe and influencing, in such a positive way, who I am today...

And wished that I could remember more names or faces.

...The neighborhoods that I rode my bike in for hours and hours at a time before High School - and the names that I gave the homes that we visited - Disneyland, the Seven Seas, Rock Garden, and goodness only knows what else - just because of their landscaping, Koi Ponds, and other decor...

And wished that I hadn't had to rely on imagination to take me away until I could go away. But counted my blessings for having had such an imagination to keep me busy.

...A friend whose dad was in his 90's when we were in our teens. They lived in a shack amongst mansions of their time. He owned the house and the land and refused to make updates despite his daughter's pleading. She lives there now. As I drove by, I heard the sound of happy children coming from her house, and saw very little indication of modernization...

And was glad that she had that place to be. Her Dad loved her to pieces and it showed.

...The neighborhood that I walked through, drunk and high on who-knows-what, in my skin tight dittos and come-fuck-me-Candies in the middle of the night, after probably having sex (or at least thinking I wanted to) with someone whom I'd probably never met before, and making it home in one piece...

And thinking that the God that I question whether or not I believe in, kept me safe for a reason, and how thankful I am for that.

...The man for whom I baby-sat when I was in High School. He was a divorced but relatively functional alcoholic sharing custody of his 18 month old (who is, in retrospect more than 20 years old now). Who lived across the street from my High School Math teacher - the only one I ever had that could explain it in a way that I actually understood it. And who thought enough of me (despite knowing about my messed up family) to hire me to babysit his kids too...

And remembered that people are good and kind, and are given to you to help you and remind you of what could be - in their own way.

...The house where my best friend and her now Husband of almost 20 years lived for a hot minute - where I acquired a taste for red wine and the exact location of a middle of the night fight with my boyfriend that resolved absolutely nothing...

...And the home of his friend, who wanted to be my boyfriend, because my boyfriend was such an ass toward me, and didn't deserve me, and would never do right by me...

And thought of how those experiences helped me to make the right choices and led me to where I am now.

...And the toy store, and the falafel house, and the time I got hauled in for stealing, and, and...

...and how I hate to go there and remember all of those things. But how important those memories are to who I am now.

Excuse me, I want another Lemon Drop.

A Touch of Buyers Remorse

Finally chopped off my hair. It's noticeably uneven. My sister is my stylist.

Went on vacation a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't as fabulous as others advertised it to be.

Gave up coffee.

Eating better.

Exercising daily. It's painful.

Have just as much stress as ever:

•     My mother, sister #1 with a husband and two children, and sister #2 with 1 child bought a house and are moving in together. They are making major changes and updates before moving in. I can't just help out with moving and such like I once did. I watch the little ones instead. It doesn't feel productive.
•     Twig has been crying at daycare when I drop him off and saying "I don't want to go to school, I don't want to let you go, Mommy". He's being rather willfull about potty training.
  
•     Sex is something I think about but hasn't happened in what seems like forever. 
  
•     I want to go out on a Date with my Husband but our babysitter is moving and making major changes to her new house...
  

The Doctor called me about my Test Results.

The beauty of it is that it's all okay!

Hair grows back. And it's just going to take a minute or two to get used to it. I could get a new stylist. It might make life easier in some ways...

I'll take many more vacations in my lifetime. Besides this vacation wasn't about me. It was about my kid. We did some cool stuff, like take a 1 mile hike in the mountains together.

There's always Decaf. And it's a reasonable alternative - occasionally.

It's a lot cheaper to eat Vegan, or at least vegetarian, than it is to eat meat daily. I need to remember that Junk food and Chocolate is a treat!

Sweating feels good and makes me feel stronger deep down in my soul. I LOVE Kick Boxing because when I do it, know that I could kick someone's ass! I like to walk and my clothes are fitting better. Someday soon I'll wear that Liz Caliborne dress that 's been hanging in my closet for years. Pain is necessary to achieve results, especially when it comes to exercise and weight loss.

Stress is transient.

• The move will be finished soon. Then the real drama will start but I'm planning my strategy on how to stay out of it now.
• Twig's teacher that he struggles with on occasion heard me loud and clear when I told her to do it my way and at his pace. He's not crying and telling me not to leave today. We're looking around at other preschools. To know what our options are. And we're trying to be objective about the issues at hand. Potty training will be over someday. Besides, all kids have accidents. Period.
• Maybe we'll just have to use Sesame Street as our babysitter in order to get a little bit of one on one grown-up time...
• The move will be over soon. And it's the perfect opportunity to get Hubbie to think about the fact that he can help with finding a sitter, too!
  

Got my medical test results. I'm not going to have a heart attack any time soon (whew!) but the 24 Hour EKG showed that I'm having irregular heart beats at least twice an hour.

The beauty of it is that it's all okay!

The dizzies - they're all gone and the Doctor said it may be because I quit coffee and made some other dietary changes.

The irregular heart beats are not medically problematic at this time. But, the Doctor made me promise that I'd go in immediately if I noticed any changes or other symptoms. If the dizzies or other symptoms show up or the irregular beats last for 30 seconds at a time, absolutely, I will get in to see her. I'll monitor the heartburn and call if it doesn't subside in a week or two.

I can make positive changes in my life. Yeah, it's harder than ever, but it is possible. About that I am not remorseful. About that I feel good.

Bush's Never Ending War

I'd love to write about many things happening in my life these days. But my life and work have been really busy. Today when I needed a minute of down time, I stumbled upon this...



This is the Link to the Movie's Web Site about Bush's Never Ending War

So far, my health is fine. I have no apparent blood problems and/or heart problems. However, I need to follow up with my health care professional. The dizzies are not gone.

I was referred to a heart specialist for a "stress test". This consists of having an ultrasound of the heart before exercise, then walking on a treadmill (they increase speed and incline every three minutes) all the while connected to EKG machine and having your blood pressure taken every three minutes. The goal is to get your heart to target (mine would be 165-175 based on my age and overweight) and exercise for at least 15-20 minutes. When the treadmill part is complete, they do another EKG to determine if the heart is beating properly, circulating properly, etc. If everything is okay, they assume that there are not bigger underlying issues.

I only lasted 12 minutes on the treadmill! I couldn't keep up with the machine, what with all that gasping for air and holding on for dear life! What a weakling - I was completely embarrassed (especially since they kept asking "do you exercise regularly?" and I had to answer honestly, "no".)! And because, once upon a time I was able to exercise at my target heart rate for an hour or more every day and enjoyed the feeling of pushing my body to the limit!

They did notice some irregular heart beats while I was resting. They tell me that this is nothing to be worried about. They also tell me that preliminarily the stress test showed that my heart is fine (yay!). The 24hr EKG, called a Holter test, when it's read, may state something about the irregularities of the beating of my heart. That's the only test that is pending at this time.

This entire ordeal has given me quite a scare. Heart disease runs in the family and I've got a few of the risk factors (weight gain, less than impeccable diet, alcohol consumption, no real exercise to speak of, stress, bad sleep, etc.). So, even with no "diagnosis" I made some life changes (and so did my family by default).

I quit coffee. I'm doing everything I can to give up my sugar, candy, chocolate addiction. I've been eating vegetarian although the goal is vegan whenever possible (and no, I'm not giving up meat, etc. entirely just making more conscious choices about what and how much I eat). And I'm figuring out how to get some more exercise in. I'll be starting back at the Gym very soon - cardio-kick boxing classes at the Y - and two of my co-workers and I have made a pact to walk together at lunch time at least three days each week.

With the lifestyle changes, my sleep has been somewhat better. That almost three year old of ours is having his own sleep issues that severely impact my ability to consistently rest well. But, I've noticed a big difference in quality of sleep when I do get it.

Despite a week-long case of the stomach flu, my body loves the whole grains, vegetables, and fruit every day. The challenge of finding new and exciting recipes is keeping me on my toes. Of course we need to buy fresh fruits and veggies every few days, but it's much cheaper. And, I think that a few pounds may have shed themselves already!

I look forward to getting to the Gym again. I have been missing that outlet for a long, long time. It's just been hard (almost impossible) to fit it in with all of my family responsibilities. But finding the time at work has been excellent. It feels good to get out of the office in the middle of the day, get some sun, social time, and a little sweat too.

The dizzies have improved a fair amount but they aren't entirely gone. They come and go at the strangest times. Sitting at my desk, driving in the car, watching television, laying down in bed.

I need to make an appointment with my doctor (and the eye doctor) to follow up on the dizzies and the test results but I'm feeling apprehensive about it. I don't want to talk about mental health issues: stress, anxiety, and medication as the other alternatives to what I'm experiencing. I don't want extreme medical diagnoses either, but I'm uncomfortable with drugs in general in relationship to treating ailments. I want to know what the root cause(s) is so that I can treat the real problem. Not just the symptoms.

After we get back from vacation. I'll think about it while we're on vacation next week and make the appointment when we get back from vacation.

Until the next time I can write...