More Dreams

Had the dream again the other night. Except this time I wasn't strong and ready to give birth.

I was busy helping a friend work toward getting a new job, moving toward a place where she would be able to get what she wanted in her life. Coaching, supporting, guiding toward a new and necessary place. So that we could find our way on to writing a new, exciting, happier chapter in our relationship.

But the pregnant part was, well, more like my real life experience was with Twig. Not so strong, not so womanly, not so sure about this whole being a mommy thing. The labor wasn't entirely right and my support system, was irrelevant. My bow-tie wearing OB wasn't around. I was alone in a dark and lonely place. Unsure of what I was undertaking and completely on my own to do it.

It was downright Scary. Just like real life can be.

And that's pretty much a metaphor for my life right now. Wood wants a new gig. I want another baby. He's willing to talk about it. I'm scared of being alone in my desire and if he's also interested, incapable of getting what I want because of my health, psychological state, age, or any other intangible and unpredictable reason. I ain't no spring chicken any more. I have considered that "middle age" number looming large in a few months could be spurring this on a little bit.

But the truth is that it's not a logical desire. It's biological. Mostly. I've been watching way too much Learning Channel TV, I guess. These people and other middle-america folk like 'em make me a little uncomfortable. On the one hand they've helped me remember that I've always wanted a large family! (four boys was what I always told my mom) On the other, that I believe that we, the left-leaning-tree-hugging-birkenstock-wearing-critical thinking-granola-ites that we are should have more kids! YES, really, we should. Frankly, I think it's rather irresponsible not to have more than one kid. Or worse yet, only a cat or a dog. Especially when they and many of their friends are having small villages all by their little lonesomes. They're growing an army of conservative voters.

Our friends' pets, treated better than some children of this world (nevertheless love 'em to death), can't vote!

You heard me correctly. My desire to have another little rug-rat that will simply complicate my life in oh-so-many ways I can't begin to fathom, is not only physical. It's Political.

But that's all of the words I have on the subject for right now. It's not too well argued. I apologize for that.

Memories

They said I'd never forget. Well, I haven't. I'm sure I never will.

Yet, there's this recurring dream that wakes me up every few weeks. I had it again last night.

I'm pregnant. Feeling the baby move. Big belly, glowing, strong, healthy, ready to give birth.

We decided a long time ago - as a couple - that we didn't want to do the new-parent thing again. Really, we talked about all of the pros and cons and financial considerations and decided quite rationally that it's something we don't want to do.

But this dream keeps waking me up. And it's not just a night-time dream. I think. So when it woke me this morning, I told Wood about it.

"So is that what you want, to be pregnant?

"I don't think so. I mean, when I think rationally about all of the things that being pregnant means, it's pretty easy to talk myself out of it. But, at the same time, I want a different experience. But that's not rational, and even though I don't understand it completely, you don't want to do it again.

"So, you're saying that you want to have another kid but you've not talked to me about it because I said don't want to do it?

"Well, yeah, you don't want to. Besides, do you enjoy being a parent?

"Yeah! I do. But I don't know about managing everything - I don't do well with all of the pressure.

My sister and I talked today. Turns out that last night she had a dream that I was pregnant.

Weird.

I decided a few weeks ago that I want to write my story. Wood laughed and said he was sure it was a fleeting thought. That I was high on the success of my friend that has recently had her first book published.

At first it was going to be "15-20, for life". It would be about those formative years spent trying have an adult relationship and failing miserably, only to find those experiences as the impetus for a completely different life. I've been thinking about it (pen name or real? in secrecy or public? to friends or family? How much of *my* truth to write? what about the blank spaces, how do I fill those in? Memoir? Novel? Story? Happy ending? I started another blog page but haven't posted yet.). I'm still trying to get past the laughter that emanated from he who is my life partner now, to find the thesis statement - my voice - for 15-20 for life. But it's not 15-20 for life. It's much more than that.

I can't quite get the total story yet. I think it starts somewhere in an oh-so-safe-suburban home where an 8 year old girl writes about her life and frustrations with complete and utter honesty in her notebook only get an ass-whoopin' that haunts her ability to write to this day. "So, you think suburbia's safe, huh?"

I'm trying to give birth. To something brave, strong, healthy and true. It's a story. And maybe a baby too.

No resolutions but maybe revelations...

As my boy sleeps, and my husband works, I clean the house. Cleaning and organizing the bathroom, medicine closet, toy chest, desk - is the time when I collect and organize my thoughts.

I've been off work for the past 10 days. My "vacation" is spent at home with Twig because his school is on Winter Holiday and the Holiday Season is the busiest time of year at Wood's work.

Only one of our play dates worked out due to the illnesses of other kids, and my list of things to do: build corner bookshelves for Twig's room. When I mentioned it to Wood he said "You, and power tools?" So I asked a friend of ours who's been remodeling his entire kitchen to help me. His response was "Sure. But why doesn't Wood do it?" We met and did most of the work on Tuesday.

Twig was a bit of a handful Thursday and Friday. Turns out his power surge was the precursor to being sick with a cough and stuffy nose. By Sunday he had an elevated temperature, the day before I'm supposed to go back to work.

I planned to go to my Weight Watchers meeting and the Gym on Saturday morning. As I was preparing to leave, Wood said "Don't go. I'll miss you." I had an amazing 4.2 lb. weight loss, ran into the wife of a friend who I'd like to spend more time with, and had a fantastic workout - 45 minutes of cardio and a bunch of stretching.

Saturday night I hung out with a couple of friends. Wood was melancholy as soon as I began to get ready for my departure - by putting Twig to bed.

It feels good taking care of myself.

When we discussed the fact that Twig would not go to school on Monday, it was almost without hesitation that I was to be the one staying home. I sort of set it up that way - offered to stay home on Monday because I have to work on Tuesday. Wood certainly did not argue. If anything, he kept quiet.

This morning I asked if there was any way he'd be able to come home early so I could go to work for a couple of hours. After all, I have been off and nearly 100% responsible for parenting for the past 10 days. Yes, it was my fault that I was on again today - I should have expected him to stay home. But, I guess in a typical female sort of way, I wanted him to step up to the plate and say "No, no. You've been home for the last 10 days. You need to go to work, I'll stay home." But he didn't. And he probably never will.

I think he's depressed, unhappy and lonely. Disinterested in being a parent. And he's so much more emotional and sensitive than I'd ever imagined.

He isn't talking about it - with me or anyone. Instead he drinks a couple of drinks a day, has been asking for sex continuously, and is generally nasty to me and Twig. Based upon his recent netflix activity (I'm through with white girls - for this longtime commitment-phobe to settle down, he'll have to drastically change his ways; Romance and Cigarettes - this twist on the not-so-ordinary tale of adultery and salvation; The Big Bad Swim - follows the life-altering journeys of soon-to-be-divorced schoolteacher, stripper, and swim instructor Noah. Held back by their past heartbreaks, the three learn that sometimes the only way to move on is to take a really big plunge.), I'd say something is going on.

God forbid I'm cleaning the bathroom and he sideswipes me.

Power Surge

Why in the world do we take young children to the grocery store? Besides the obvious need to buy food to feed them and keep them alive?

We did have a discussion before we got out of the car about what we were going to buy (soyrizo, tortillas, cheese, tomatoes and fruit). We did let him walk and ride the cart until he nearly knocked it over on top of some poor unsuspecting lady trying to choose sweet potatoes. We did explain that we had to pay for and wash the apple before eating it. But he didn't quit.

We were doing pretty well in the produce section. Even though he was saying, at the top of his lungs, "Mommy, I want cheese... I want a smoothie... I want a sandwich... I want a ripe mango..." all the while bouncing around in the cart like a caged wild animal trying to escape. But by the time we made it to the refrigerated prepackaged salsa section, my requests to "Please sit down and stop grabbing at the food." were falling on deaf ears.

You undoubtedly know how this goes... There are five things on your list. The plan is to get in and out of the store as quickly as possible. But the kid starts in, and your spouse is asking questions. There are people to dodge, there are labels to read and choices to make. And somethings gotta give.

In this particular instance, I didn't forget anything on my list. Instead, while looking directly into his eyes I said "Damn it Twig, you need to stop because I'm about ready to knock you up-side your head!" Just then, I looked up to see a complete stranger give me a look of sheer disgust. Her face said it all: "You are an awful-horrible-parent-person-and-I-don't-like-your-tone." Just before I turned around and walked away from the cart and my lack of parenting skill, I'm sure that my face said to her something like "and if you keep looking at me, you're next bitch."

Wood took over right about then. I grabbed salsa, tortilla chips and cheese and we all got in line as quickly as possible.

We should have known better than to take a nap-free 4 year old to the market after riding bikes at the park for nearly an hour and a half. We should have known he was due for a 'power surge'.

Random Things About Wonelle

Unedited so sorry for any redundancies.

1. I found myself when I found myself in Fresno.
2. I'm a "glass half-empty" kinda gal. It's not really my nature to be that way. It's really the way of my nurture.
3. I met my dad at a Walgreen's Coffee Shop in a shopping Mall when I was 11 years old.
4. . In 1985 I was the only - and probably the first ever - girl to take wood shop in my high school. The instructor "Dick" (No, really), had to re-think his response to kids asking to go to the bathroom when it came to me. He realized that he couldn't tell me to put a rubber band on it.
5. In high school also I drove a $300 puke orange 1971 Ford Pinto (yes, the kind that exploded if rear-ended), partook in a few less than desirable activities, dated a guy 5 years older than me, and worked in a toy shop as a gift wrapper.
6. My step-dad would never stop to let me go to the bathroom when we were on family road-trips. No matter how much I cried, begged, and pleaded. He'd say "at the next exit" and every time, he'd pass it by. I thought he was being a mean, horrible, and awful person. Then I grew up and began to understand what it must have been like to be an interracial couple in the 70's.
7. It felt good to be on television spouting liberalism while at the same time serving country club folk who underwrote, in the form of automatic 18% gratuities, my non-work time activities. Yes it did.
8. Boys are better than girls. Mostly. There are a few exceptions.
9. I share my birthday with George Carlin, Burt Bacharac, Florence Nightingale, Katharine Hepburn, and one of my best friends - Bridget.
10. My BEFRI talked me into attending community college. She convinced me that the toy-shop gig wasn't going to take me where I wanted to go. Despite the fact that I had no idea where the hell that was...
11. Growing up, the library was my sanctuary. I love telling my son: "we can find out more about that - I'm sure there's a book at the library."
12. Can you imagine, playing the flute (2nd chair), smoking cigarettes, and being asthmatic...concurrently?
13. I like rules, boundaries, and structure. Except when it doesn't suit me. And it used to not suit me most of the time. I'm a little older and wiser now.
14. This meme thing has been a great way to practice remembering.
15. I blog in relative anonymity. I want to write my story and have it read in relative celebrity. I'd love to get comments from readers more often (although, I adore the ones I get from a couple of regular readers!).
16. I'm the oldest of 6; 3 are siblings by marriage and 2 by blood. But technically, I'm an only child.
17. Being called a "disobedient wench" was one of the best compliments I've ever received.
18. I once saw a tarot reader who said I'd be very lucky throughout my life. Past, present, future - she was right on.
19. The best day of my life was the day I married Wood. I make a conscious decision to be married every waking moment of every day. Because we can make 'this' be anything we want it to be. That's the benefit of having few good role models. You know what you don't want to do.
20. I'm competitive. Mostly with myself. I often strive to be a type B+ personality.
21. I want to travel the world. Anywhere - everywhere...
22. I have a dream of living in NY, NY.
23. Pregnancy, labor, delivery, and breastfeeding were the most difficult things I've ever done with my body.
24. Whenever considering names for a child it is important to test not only the way the full name sounds in the fit of a parent's anger, but also in the fit of a lover's passion. They grow up and do grown up things after all.
25. You can ask me anything you want to. And while I'll very likely answer any questions with complete and utter honesty, I always reserve the right to refuse to answer. Just in case.
26. I'm not good at following rules. I'll probably keep adding to this list. Maybe someday it'll be 100 random things about me..
27. I'm addicted to reading It's Friday...
28. It took me a very long to remember some things that happened in the year 1989. But once I did, I remembered that it was a turning point year for me.
29. I reflect a lot, suffer despite it, and more often than not, focus on the negative stuff.
30. I've tackled a few nasty demons in my lifetime.
31. I don't think I'm negative by nature, I think those demons sometimes get the best of me. Despite them I laugh, love and enjoy life.
32. I have lot's of my own philosophies and I'll share them with you if you want. Like this one: you can ask me any question you want however, I reserve the right to not answer it. Oh yeah, I'll share my philosophies with you even if you don't want.
33. People will often describe me as Sassy. Or Difficult or Bitchy or intense, or something equally negative. I agree to being all of those things and more - they're some of my better qualities.
34. I always tell the Truth. Even if it stings. Sometimes even when it's not in my best interest to do so.
35. I've been learning to hold my tongue. Even if it hurts. Especially if it's in someone else's best interest for me to do so.
36. Some people often annoy me to no end. I'm sure the feeling is mutual.
37. Yea, there are moments that I'm full of myself.
38. For many years I had a bumper sticker on my car that said "the more people I meet, the more I like my cat".
39. Sometimes I'm lonely.
40. The best thing I ever did was talk myself into a low-paying part-time receptionist job at a start-up new-media school.
41. I met this really cool guy there. Actually, I met more than one cool guy there - but I met the most important cool guy of my life because I worked there.
42. The next best thing I did was make a killer bare handed catch and throw as catcher to throw the runner out first base. That's when my Boyfriend knew he'd be my Husband. It was glorious on both accounts.
43. To date, the day my Husband and I got married was the single best day of my life.
44. My Husband revels in my sassiness and I revel in him because of it.
45. From the time I was really young, I wanted to be married and have 4 Boys.
46. Just before I found out that I was pregnant, I thought seriously that my Husband and I could be happy without kids.
    
47. I was relieved (actually, elated) when the Ultrasound Technician said the baby was a boy.
48. For me, being a Mom isn't and hasn't been all it's cracked up to be.
49. My mom was, but wasn't, a Fabulous Mom. She was a wreck. Still is.
50. I was severely depressed for the first two years of my son's life. Not so much anymore.
51. Breastfeeding was horrible.
52. My kid is one of the best people I've ever met. Not because he came from me, either. I could tell when I was pregnant he was something special (and probably going to be a drummer).
    
53. I want to be a Fabulous Mom. No... I want my son to think of me as a Fabulous Mom.
54. Catty girls (or women), cliques, and the like don't do it for me. Play straight and fair or prepare to be told about yourself.
55. I'll avoid a fight whenever possible. Except when I can't. After those fights, I'll try to make sense of the senselessness.
56. Some days, I miss being lonely. And being able to go to the gym whenever I want, and to take a shower alone, and read books all day and all night long, and do art, and have sex with reckless abandon like I once did.
57. My favorite move of all time is the Black and White version of Elephant Man.
    
58. Growing up my initials were MR. The kids teased me and said I was Mentally Retarded.
    
59. The better part of my career has been working with people considered to be Mentally Retarded. I'm not special or patient for working with "those" people, thank-you-very-much. Please don't say that - I think it's just plain rude.
60. Once, when I was hungry, I decided to try Sushi. I figured, "I've never tried Japanese food before". Sushi is my favorite food on the face of the earth! Well, so far. I'll try just about anything once. Food is good.
61. The Sushi Chef that fed me Japanese food for the first time walked me down the aisle.
    
62. I love a good adventure.