Fleeting Feelings

They come and go but whenever they do, they're fierce feelings.

I texted Wood today and told him I'm planning my departure from this place. I'm not interested in this. He didn't respond.

Later, when I was in the bathroom, it occurred to me that I can choose to make this anything I want it to be. Like I've said of my marriage. But I have to choose.

I don't want to be a quitter. I also don't want to be in defensive mode all the time. I want something a bit more warm and fuzzy.

The jury has not yet made it's final decision. But it's close. It will.

Positive Momentum

The job isn't tough. The boss really isn't either. My history and internal dialogue is. She's a mirror for my stuff.

I have developed and hold the tools necessary to manage myself. The crux of the issue is knowing and encompassing them:

Being in charge of me, my thoughts and actions.

Managing my inner voice and quieting or silencing negative talk, especially where the thoughts or opinions of others (who haven't said anything) are concerned, and which isn't true or helpful.

Setting clear and firm boundaries for myself and others. Communicating them with clear and consistent compassion.

Knowing that I am not bound to any choice forever.

Speaking the truth - having an open, honest dialogue instead of dropping a conversation because it's tough.

Caring for myself deeply - in thought and action - regular food, sleep, medical care, sex, exercise, joy.

Giving myself permission to be me. Because I'm pretty fanned awesome.

The Nice Lady and I will be ending our relationship. I'm ready. Part of this is practicing the process of endings. So much of my challenges lie in being with my feelings (whatever they may be). I know how to burn bridges, walk away and never look back. I haven't had nearly enough endings that finish on a good note. So, here we go. Over the next 6 weeks, we have 3 appointments and will process ending. All the while knowing that if I want counseling at some point in the future, she's available. I've come a long way, too. That's comforting.

Struggling

Insomnia looms large.

The new job is a lot, as I've already said. My boss is difficult and she brings up my stuff in a big mutherfucking way.

I am afraid. On edge. Paralyzed by anxiety. In protective mode.

Unable to perform. Unable to care for myself in a reasonable way. Overwhelmed and fairly sure that this was not a good move, that it's just a matter of time before I'm let go. I had wrong hopes for this gig, this woman at the helm.

I want less intensity with superiors. It will come.

Rough & Tumble

The new job has been a tough transition. Much harder than I expected. Sort of.

It's pushing me to set and maintain boundaries, stick up for myself, be okay with a lot of chaos, take care of myself, and produce a lot. All skills I posess. Just skills I don't practice consistently.

The Universe is aligned for me. I can and will do this.