Family

Crooked Nose Tom was hurt. My inability to be available to him at one moment in time was such a personal affront that he never spoke to me again. It is a pain that I still carry - he didn't come to my wedding, he never met his grandson, he died much too young. On the other hand, he left me his baby sister, Shirl, and she visited us last weekend.

It was such a lovely visit, too! She came in on Friday and we had a couple of hours to chat. We spent much of the weekend eating and chatting about her daughter and grandkids, how such similarities exist between the kids.

There is a feeling of belonging when she is near. It makes me glad that we are family. I love that she is willing to be here, spending time doing monotonous daily activities, and that she enjoys it. She is easy to be with and I love her to pieces.

Shhh

Yes, I've been quiet. But In the best kind of way!

I really like my Nice Lady. Except that her fees are out of pocket and it has caused a discussion about money, that is.

I met my friends from Cali in Ashland last weekend. And visited my Uncle and Aunt who live there, too. It was luxurious, calming, quiet and oh-so-good for my soul.

Work is work...but there are tough issues being discussed, decisions being made, and opportunities for personal and professional growth and development being provided. It's still a love hate thing but it pays the bills. It's stressful but palatable and that's enough right now. I've also applied for jobs periodically. Not feeling 100% trapped helps.

The auction is 7 weeks away. I can't wait till it's over. My friend seems to be okay with what I've been able to contribute - as little as it is. I'm also doing my best to forgive myself for not having done more, given more. For being human! No, I won't do this again.

Wood and I are not struggling as much as we were. As much as I was. He is processing tough stuff, too. We are on a similar path. I have admitted to myself and to him my mistakes - that I have not allowed him to be my partner as much as I should have. That I have become Bam and without even realizing it, set him up to play out the same play from my childhood. We can make this whatever we want it to be. We will make it good!

Twig is struggling in school -socially and academically- and we have agreed that he needs fewer extra curricular "fun", more academics, and that the current school set up isn't working. We will very take him out of choir and that will lessen many burdens. He's currently got martial arts 5 days each week, acting every Saturday, and choir on Thursday. The spring performance schedule is off the hook. We will think about and explore school problems and solutions more.

My aunt from my dad's side is coming to visit this weekend and I'm so excited! Last she was here was 2 years ago - when here was there. It will be fun.

It's now time for sleep! So that I can prepare for the continued busy-ness.

Pushing Boundaries

In typical fashion, my boss reneged on the plan we made last night. While I wholeheartedly agree with the reasoning, the underlying issue still remains: the process is not authentic, she cannot be trusted, she's wishy-washy.

Skepticism is a Virtue.

I asked if I was being disrespectful or rude in my communications. If my messages weren't okay. That expressing any of it was in no way shop or form comfortable. I continue to be present in my Truth, communicating the error of her ways, explaining that "feeling heard" isn't enough. There needs to be action, too. She doesn't get it.

Since I've been pushing all manner of comfort zones, I attended a women's business networking group tonight. Met several people, talked business, pushed the school auction. I've not been doing as much for that as I should. But whatever. At one point in the evening, I swear I had a hot flash. It was probably being overwhelmed with all of the stretching I'd done today. Hell this month.

It's way past my bed time. And clearly I need my energy for tomorrow.

Ah-mayz-ing!

Strangely, my office move didn't go to the Management Team Meeting to die. Even more strangely, there was open, honest talk at today's meeting. Off the charts amazing was the plan that we developed for dealing with the shit culture of the agency in a proactive, thoughtful, change oriented way. That I get to facilitate.

Of course, my inner critic still isn't quite sure that this is really happening or that what I've said won't bite me in the ass come tomorrow. I always have the feeling I'm going to be fired at any moment. Guilt for working below my capacity, I suppose.

In my truth I was respectful and very honest at the same time. Fuck anyone that says otherwise. I'm still afraid of being fired. And, while I'm committed to what I'm doing now - even working on goals moving forward, I'm still looking for another job.

I don't trust that my boss gets "it" or understands. She obviously understands something or she wouldn't be where she is. At the same time she's so malleable that she's a bit like silly putty. We end up being told that if we want something badly enough we should take it on and make it happen.

Yippeekayayymuthafucka.

Sunday, Sunday

PMS must be settling in. I can't get passed the feeling of dread for Monday. Got out of pajamas at 2 this afternoon. I waited so to avoid getting undressed in the cold, and because I can't seem to shake the 'I hate my body' blues.

Clearing off my dresser was freeing - it took all if 5 minutes to put everything away. Hanging out with Twig and doing MadScience with him was fun. He was at his best when we were working together on mixing, measuring, and pouring potions. He listened. I taught. Wood rocked out with headphones and worked, yelling if Twig came anywhere near him.

I thought it would be fun to go to a kids karaoke event. Wood is anti. Says its money related. It doesn't matter, I guess, that it could have been fun for Twig. Wood was anti playdate at our house yesterday, too. So, this afternoon, we'll take Wood's bike in, visit Wood's mom, and do what Wood wants.

At least that's how it feels. He newest iteration is that he's going to head to the park for a bit and I'm going to get some retail therapy. Somehow money for fat clothes is okay. Family entertaining less so.

Cough

I had this crazy idea recently about eggs. We go through so many of them, about a dozen each week, and I save the cartons (along with toilet paper rolls, corks, etc.) for the school art teacher. The empties are currently stacked about 8 high on top of my fridge. When I saw this pile of empties the other day it occurred to me that saving the carton alone was kinda wasteful - I should be saving the shells, too! You know, blow the egg out of a hole so the egg can be decorated.

I had this vision of taking egg shells, fully intact to school, in their cartons, for the kids to make fragile ornaments, Faberge style creations, or the like. I felt so proud. The art teacher, surprised and impressed.

So, we had breakfast for dinner last night. Chorizo and eggs.

I began with a pin sized hole on both ends of the egg as the onions sauteed in olive oil. Blowed gently. Blowed harder. Blowed to no avail. The egg shells were so flimsy they broke.

After two eggs, I quit. The onions were quite translucent, it was closing in on 7pm (which is way too late for dinner in the first place), and the egg whites, a bit on my hands, a bit in my mouth, was kinda grossing me out a bit.

As I finished the egg blowing, a cough came on...

It was the kind of cough that is unexpected, from something that is unexpectedly there. Lodged in a space you can't quite remember ever having noticed before. And it suddenly was there, making me gag (could this be a teeny tiny egg shell?) - quite intensely, too.

Hack-gag-cough!

Whoa, what was that? My leg is soaking wet! And a chunk of something that is absolutely NOT an egg shell simultaneously came out of my throat.

Eww...Um...Eww...Oh, my...

Yes, I pissed myself.

Off Switch, Please

Who knows how to turn off the chatter that happens in their head? Sometimes, there is absolutely nothing I can do to turn it off. It's mildly obsessive, this line of thinking, and I hate that it has me awake tonight.

It is an office move that has me frustrated. I initiated this move, one staff person is unhappy about it. My boss has approved it. As I work out the details of it with another staff person today, it seems as though it is all humming along. And then I get an email from said 'another staff person' with my boss as the only other recipient on it that we have to discuss this potential move, the impact on those involved, and blah, blah, blah at a management team meeting.

I don't mind discussing at a management team meeting except that these meetings are generally the place where things go to die. AND this "Team" has NEVER made such decisions in the past. My boss doesn't even know what the "Team" does.

I hate my job. Not my work. Not the people, per se. But I hate it THERE (in truth I've hated it there since day one)! My boss can't make a decision and stick with it to save her life. Nobody talks honestly about anything, everybody talks behind each others' back, and decisions aren't decisions - they are reactions.

These are all qualities I earnestly work to avoid as they are short sided, poorly constructed decisions that serve only individuals in the short term. So, I find myself infuriated on a regular basis by the behavior. It can't be changed, can't be cajoled, can't be persuaded by logic. Say yes then think.

What has me awake and thinking is that this "Team Meeting" will be the forum that I'm told this can't be done after all. This is how my boss gets away with not really saying no, even though the decision has been broadcast to the entire staff as something that will be happening. She'll couch it in finances, disruption, or some other bullshit. And again, I'll have been undermined and made further ineffectual in my capacity as "Program Director". 

I'm already angry - I can't be sure exactly how this will play out but this is just another iteration of the process (that isn't really a process) there. What I'm really struggling with is how to let it go and not let it bother me. The decision, the change, the new decision. The bullshit.

My boss told me a few months back that I was being rude, disrespectful, and an obstructionist; we were discussing a similar issue of how to get enough people the places, tools and spaces they need to do the work. I didn't want to drop the issue and pressed her to answer the question of how I was to do what she asks of me without the people I ask to do the work having the tools they need to do the job. Apparently, since we don't have the money to make such changes, we shouldn't even talk about how we might address them. Total. Waste. Of. Time.

Hey, I heard her loud and clear when she dropped this on me, having never ever mentioned it before. She was probably right, though. I am angry that people don't see it my way, that I don't play the manipulation game better, that I thrive in a structured environments where expectations and boundaries are clear. I have to be a lemming to make it there and a lemming I am not. I am close to completely giving up because I am not able to shine. In this place I must... Think not. Ask not. Care not. Except when it's my boss's idea.

Now I need to figure out how to turn off the chatter in my head because it is impossible. Become one with that reality. Learn to seem like a lemming. Make a plan and respectfully, honorably move on.

Something Big

Many triggers lately have me feeling so very vulnerable. With such limited time for reflection, thought and planning, I'm very overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Not stymied, not necessarily afraid, maybe those things and more, but definitely overwhelmed.

Wood's tendency to explode and be mean, particularly toward Twig, when he's angry and overwhelmed were excessive for me this weekend. I feel like an 8 year old and a grown woman at the same time, protecting my child, negotiating for myself, parenting everyone. Paralyzed by memories that are 35 years old and simultaneously being played out in my livingroom.

A wonderful healer friend and I chatted for a long time today. She coaches people, does body work, and, in terms of much of her life, has a similar story to mine. Our visits are always cathartic and today was no exception.

I, bravely but not so fearlessly, expressed to Wood my unwillingness to  continue along this path we've been traveling. Wood said he "felt like you are telling me something big". I was. That the vision I had is not the vision I'm living and the two visions must get closer together. I told him much more subtly than here that I can not continue like this.

He asked if I was saying that I don't want to be with him anymore. "Absolutely the opposite." I want to be with him with all of my heart, just not in the way we have often been, particularly as a family unit - angry, blaming, hurt, reactionary - unhappily and as if we don't like each other more often that not.

He became martyr-ish, like he often does, so at that point I ended the conversation. Not productive. Not interested. In the end I expressed that if he so desires, he might consider taking care of himself and looking at what happens for him in times of parenting/marital stress - because he wants to do so for himself, not just because I'm asking him to join me on this journey.

My eyes are almost swollen shut from all of the crying. I'm an emotional mess because I am afraid of where this will lead us. Hopefully, as we approach our 10 year wedding anniversary (and my desire to have a vow-renewal ceremony in the spring), someplace of connectedness and aligned vision/focus/direction for the next 10 years.

My commitment to my family is strong. However, I refuse to get lost in that commitment. We have some Big work to do.