They've been too common lately.
Last week I as being followed as in stalked. Today Twig was taken and had his passport with him.
Both times the dreams lasted a fair amount of time and I processed a bit of the "problem". Not quite to the preferred conclusion.
I woke up afraid and now wonder about the deeper meanings.
There is one great thing about working for a Jewish organization and not being Jewish. Religious holidays.
Monday and Tuesday were days off in observance of Rosh Hashana (L'Shana Tova, Happy New Year!) and exquisite days off for me. Granted, all I did was catch up on the chores of life. But I did so with NO distractions.
Monday I mostly sat around (did a couple of loads of laundry and a bit of shopping) watching cooking tv. Tuesday I did all of the things I felt like I was neglecting on Monday while I sat on the couch. It was nice to be unencumbered for a bit.
Although, by the end of the day Tuesday I was feeling a bit lonely and was reminded that I don't want to be at home full time, a little more time at home alone would be welcomed. I need to plan 4 day weekends more often.
School is back in session and my support network, at least around the kid is in place again!
Boychoir started this week and he's pretty jazzed about singing.
Twig was invited to be in an acting troupe again and we signed him up for the whole year. That means now through Christmas is booked every Saturday except maybe for Thanksgiving weekend and starting right after Thanksgiving, every weeknight and weekend there's a performance. The same in the spring. But he loves it - and frankly I do too.
I signed on to be the co-chair of Twig's school's annual auction. It wasn't entirely the wine talking, either. It's part of my master plan to be an Executive Director in my next job. Doing this will give me fundraising experience that isn't currently on my resume. See, bigger purpose. And, yes, crazy.
We are looking at a house to potentially rent in the morning. It's 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Two doors away from us. It's also considerably cheaper than what we pay now. I hope it could work and can't stand the idea of moving. Plus we started looking at care homes for Grandma. After the $4500 base price was revealed, we realized that we might have to find a bigger house for more rent and hire somebody to live in and care for her. Her needs will change (increase) and her income won't. Somehow having Choir and acting and the auction to think about makes grandma's stuff easier to think about.
That's it. I woke up early full of energy and I'm tired again.
My back wakes me.
Pain keeps me up. The TV helps quiet my mind.
Sleepless nights make for a long and not super productive work day, that's for sure. It's kinda like being a new mom. Surprising what can be accomplished when exhausted.
Now to get a couple of z's in the hopes that they'll be enough to get me through the week.
Yawn.
The snarky, snotty comments.
Shitty tone.
Dirty looks.
Rude comments.
"Reaaaallyyyyy?"
Attitude for no reason.
Passive aggressive bullshit.
So I put it out there tonight. To Wood: What's wrong? You've been pissy and you're taking it out on me. I don't appreciate it.
To Twig: If you continue talking that way to me, and the facial mime is included in talking, the consequence is that I will not speak to you for an entire day. AN ENTIRE DAY.
To Wood: This is about you being mad and taking it out on me. This is about Twig talking to me VERY disrespectfully. AND I DON'T LIKE IT. I don't like the way YOU talk to me half the time. And I'm sick of it. Angry about it.
Taking a time out: Thinking about no dirty looks, no backhanded comments, no snark. Being straight forward, to the point, yelling because I'm angry.
Ugh!
Things have calmed down here at Chez Wonelle. Wood and I have, for the time being, had our talks and put aside our hurt and anger. Things are better in that regard.
My body, on the other hand is still pissed off, and letting me know it. My feet hurt so badly when I stand up that limping doesn't even help. And my lower back is periodically warning of a complete strike. I don't ever get used to the idea that I can't will things to be as I want them to be anymore.
Wood and I have agreed to stop drinking for a while. He's asked me to try to focus on more vegetarian meals. I've had so little energy that I've slacked in the food depatment and the effects are showing. I've been gaining weight. All of that self medicating adds up in the calorie department and on the scale.
We also have an appointment with a counselor. We are a great team and we know what to do (mostly) but just like championship sports teams, we need a coach. So there it is.
Healthy food to nourish the body. Help with the mind. We're in it to win it.
He came home drunk. Talking about how things are tough.
I was fuming and didn't let it go too easily. My jealousy, so foreign a feeling, reared its ugly head some more. I don't get his disappointment in her leaving. I also think he's taking things -all things- out on me. I'm not interested.
Once he passed out, I got up and stayed awake until the wee hours of the night. Did some work, watched tv, wondered what it was all about.
Woke up this morning to more apologies. I'm just not there. He stayed home sick today. I worked from home for a while in the morning. He asked for sex. I flatly refused. Gave him his dry toast as requested and said goodbye.
I'm still hurt. More than ever before in this relationship. He's got some work to do. Me, too.
One evening last week, Wood called me and chatted me up a bit. He asked how I was doing, how was my day - and I told him. I was stressed, behind in my work, and I'd had a headache for days. In the end, he said a friend of his from work was considering a job in Los Angeles who wanted his advice and said he wanted to hang out with her, could I get Twig from camp?
It was like a lightning strike, the overwhelming feeling of jealousy that overtook me. I wondered who was this woman who wanted his advice. Who was this woman that he wanted to give advice - and spend time with. But I didn't say anything about it. The truth was, I wasn't feeling well and I said so. He understood and decided to stay home.
The feelings continued - or at least the thoughts did - and I have spent the last couple of weeks thinking about why I felt jealous. It's not my normal way of being in my relationship, particularly with Wood.. Is it because he and I aren't able to spend time together? Because we have such serious issues we are dealing with? That because I wonder if someone else has something better to offer? That because I'm unhappy so he must be, too?
When I came home later than usual tonight, he was upset with me. He approached the discussion in a way that would seem that he was worried that I was putting in too much time. When I expressed that I thought he was trying to be supportive of me and ensure I am not overdoing things with regard to work, I explained that the reality is that when I go to work at 9:30 and leave for nearly an hour in the middle of the day, I must stay to get my work done. He barked at me and said that since I hold his feet to the fire, he was going to be my advocate.
Shortly thereafter, he tossed his phone onto the table in a fit of anger. When asked, he said that he was upset because his friend had decided to leave. After a bit more discussion, he said that they were "at the bar" and he was going to go. Again, that jealousy feeling. Again nothing said by me.
Twig was asking if he could go outside to play the trumpet, and got upset when I said no. Then Wood got upset at me for saying so. Then I wasn't listening to him and then he stormed out on me. And I'm mad. M A D. He was being a disrespectful asshole. I don't like him much right now. At all. And I want to tell him so.
Posts
All Comments
