Shift?

Monday is the day I meet with my nice lady, Rebecca. She's great, save her insistence on my attending Alanon meetings. Whatever.

I read my last post to her. Out loud. It was weird because it was scary in a way that writing and knowing someone will read it isn't. We talked a lot about fear and trauma. It felt good.

Maybe because it was my birthday Monday was swell. And so was Tuesday and today (even though someone decided to use our garbage area as a toilet. Eww, just gross.). Something feels easier. I suspect tomorrow, at my old job's luncheon, will be good. Friday too.

I feel like I can have a thought, make a plan and have it stick. We shall see.

On Celebrating Mothers Day

This year, I'm not all that interested in celebrating Mothers Day. It makes me sad. It's not just this year. Honestly, Hallmark holidays don't do it for me. Valentine's Day - Blech. Christmas - ugh. Okay, I generally don't like any holiday that everyone is supposed to celebrate the same thing in the same way.

See, there are people out there that don't have a mom. Women who lost their children to stillbirth, disease, abortion, car accidents, abduction. Moms that don't do too hot-a-job at caring for their kids or others. Women who want desperately to be a mom but can't. Moms who are here but are no longer mothering.

My friend J's mom died a couple of weeks ago. I loved that woman even though in the nearly 20 years J and I have been friends, I never met her. And C, someone I'm not at all close to, only acquaintances with, really, lost her dog suddenly last week. That dog was a sweetheart that I had the pleasure of being around a couple of times. Maybe they're celebrating, I don't know. I don't think so. I feel their pain on mothers day. 

Wood always asks what I want for Mothers Day and my birthday. I don't want for much. Rarely can he shop for me knowing he's hit a home run. This year, I sent him a list. I must have, around the same time, complained that our sheets were in disrepair. So, I didn't get what was on my list. I got bed sheets. They are lovely and I am grateful. It's just that I rarely have a want much less say what I want so not getting it is disappointing.

It's a lot like taking grandma out to eat for Mothers Day only to have her be unhappy the entire time. There's so much we can't have, will never have again. It's hard to celebrate three bathroom trips, two walks and countless stares or misunderstanding and pity during brunch. Wood's hangover from it, despite the fact that I cared for her during this challenging meal, was exceedingly heavy afterward.

I feel Wood's pain. Twig's, Grandma's, mine, yours, everyone's.

The holiday feels contrived. Dishonest. Exclusionary.

We made a valiant effort but it's hard to celebrate loss when you're in the thick of it.

Feelings oh-oh-oh Feelings

It seems like the primary feeling living inside me is sadness. I feel it so often for almost any reason - a television show, a kind gesture, a fleeting thought, idea or memory so faint I can't even conjure the image. It finds its way to the surface and before anyone knows what's happened the tears are flowing full force. They can be hard to stop.

Then there are the times I'm primarily overwhelmed. Suddenly, without notice, there is too much input, too much noise, I'm shaking and need everything to stop. I feel attacked, primarily at home, during simple conversation about things like what's for dinner. These interactions leave me feeling battered. It's like being afraid. Not the kind that is motivating. The kind that is exhausting and debilitating.

These feelings come and go. Some days I can power through the tasks on my list. Much of the time I feel weak. I definitely feel out of control. Not a reckless yell at people lack of control, more of an 'I'm not really sure that I can spend energy on anything except what's absolutely necessary and there's very little that's really important'. In this state its an 'I'm not in charge, I'm lacking a clear agenda, I'm close to unrecognizable, not sure of who I am and who I want to be' lack of control.

It's almost like a paradigm shift - a reevaluation of the value of every decision to do something, of every moment in time leading up to now and whether being productive, performing, or perfect is at all relevant. Because I feel irrelevant. And that's simultaneously the most freeing and discouraging feeling I've ever had.

My family notices these energy rifts and has taken to asking what's wrong. I'm not interacting with too many other people so it's not much of an issue. Time and space are what I need now. There's a lot of processing, reimagining, and stuff happening. I'm eating and sleeping a lot to keep up the energy needed to find and use my bravery.

Wahoo!

I got the job!

Whew.

Tuesday Highlights

Twig is in the median percentile for both height and weight. This may be the only place he takes the middle of the road.

*He chose* to have his wart frozen off instead of the lengthier option of lotion. He was brave and I was very proud of him.

He has eczema, brought on by lavender oil. Poor kid.

We went out to lunch today to celebrate his bravery. It was a nice time!

Peaceful Waiting

It's 3:30 am, that could be why I'm feeling peaceful. Wood's loud breathing woke me and the side effect was the theme of an intense dream, that I can't recall but only feel slightly, turned my brain on.

Leading up to this moment I've been weepy again. Feeling the tears bubbling at the surface, later becoming a waterfall, with little notice. My emotions are bigger than they have been in a while. I'm not "doing" much, remembering, thinking, acting very well. My intense hyperdrive energy has dwindled to a mere nothing. My heart and soul are trying to catch up with my body and mind - I'm not that person - I will not be that person - I'm beyond burned out - and it's okay!

Reinventing myself is proving a great challenge. It's weird to have few, if any, aspirations.

Still no word on the job. I will be okay either way, that much I know. Something will come along. I will be seen for the goodness in me. I will see it. I'm searching.

Waiting

The birds are chirping, quite loudly. We are dog sitting for our neighbor. Baseball photos and a birthday party today.

I'm patiently waiting to get a job offer or let down for a great job opportunity I interviewed for last week. Trying to be patient, that is. Not knowing is rough. I'm trying to have faith that it will work out as it should.

Next week is my birthday and mothers day. For that I wait for a gift of a fitness tracker, a digital camera or a necklace. My goal is to find some inspiration to live rather than waiting to live. To risk and be brave instead of being bored and boring.

My energy is still rather low so waiting in stillness has a strong appeal. It will shift, as all things do.