Body Fail - Plugging Along

Vacation! Here we are in New Orleans with friends. It's so lovely except my body is freaking out.

Of course my time of the month started and while my skin is much better than it was, it's still a bit upset with itchy dry patches that don't respond to my home made oil-salve. My gall bladder had a tantrum about all of the fried food we've been enjoying (its still got me on notice), I've got a pretty rash along my bra-line as well as where my thighs rub together and I've got a hemorrhoid.

But wait, there's more!

I fully expected the plantar fasciitis to be in full gear and it is. What I didn't expect was that I'd sprain my ankle on the same foot a week and a half before our walking trip. In addition to that pain, my legs/feet are swelling like balloons from the heat and all the walking we've been doing. I got some compression socks to help but it doesn't much. My left knee, the one with torn cartilage, started clicking with every step earlier and I just woke to hunger pains and what I think may be a bug bite on my Achilles. Itchy & Ouchie.

Our friends are the best. I fel like I'm complaining and that I've slowed the group down. The feel badly that I'm in such discomfort - and they only know about my foot/ankle. Despite all of it, it's lovely to be on vacation. I'll post a bit of our activities another time. My 4am hunger pangs have been addressed and I think, now that it's almost 5am, it's time to go back to sleep.

Another Interview

I wasn't offered the last job I interviewed for. Came close but clearly not the best candidate.

It's okay. As the saying goes, "one door closes, another opens". I was invited to interview for a job that pays better, is more interesting and has similar aspects as the other, and is PART-TIME!

For a minute when I got the invite, I worried that I'd have to ask for another date/time. We come home from our trip to New Orleans the day of the interview. I'll be super relaxed, that's for sure!

So, it's also good, I have some time to prepare myself. Set my questions, line up my answers, decide how to present myself. Over good music and food, with friends, in the heat and Sun! 

Deserving

This weekend was tough. We allowed Twig a completely "down" day on Saturday in which he was able to choose to do what he wanted to do.

After opening day for baseball that included a very crowded opening ceremony and parade (I didn't attend) and lots of rain that got the first game of they year cancelled, he chose to put on his pajamas and watch tv.

All day.

Wood and I ran errands. We went to the Beauty supply, the hardware store, to get groceries and the running store to get me some new shoes. We came home in between stores to check in on and make sure he was okay, and to encourage him to get dressed and come out of the house with us. No dice.

Once the TV was off he was a raging jerk, being snarky, snotty, and downright disrespectful. And, despite our due diligence, it hasn't subsided since.

We screwed up.

We suffered for our enjoyment of the day because it was easier thank having the argument. Besides, he rarely has quiet days.

The concept of "deserve" comes up in discussions with my nice lady. As in the child must deserve, or at least work for, the privileges he gets. This is difficult for me - to balance punitive  and expectation. Especially when he's being rude and nasty for days in a row.

Because I allowed him to have his brain leached by crappy TV7 sit coms all day.

We're gonna get this right!

The Theme

Self care is the theme.

Not exciting but necessary. I got new shoes and inserts yesterday.

Have been taking my breathing and skin meds - it's rather nice to be able to breathe and interesting to note that I'm able to tolerate a rather high threshold of poor respiratory (or skin or other) health. My foot hurts SO much though. I'm doing my best to work through the pain, do the exercises and stretching. I will also look for an ART (Active Release Method) therapist for massage. Apparently it is an effective treatment for the plantar fasciitis. Fingers crossed.

Tweak

I cried a fair amount today. Chaperoned a field trip, applied for a couple of jobs, met up with a former colleague turned friend, and took my asthma maintenance medication (for the first time in about a month).

I felt noticeably good at the end of the day because of the last two activities. Being with a grown up, talking about a variety of things, and being able to breathe made a  significant difference in my attitude.

Note to self: It's the little things that make life grand.

So Special

In the past two weeks I've seen a gynecologist, dermatologist, podiatrist, and a pulmonologist. I have special needs.

Severe eczema of the lady bits, fast growing nothing to worry about skin growths on my face, plantar fasciitis of the left foot, and  lifelong crappy lungs. I've got a lung medication regimen for which I'm often non-compliant. I start and stop and start and stop. For reasons I'm not entirely aware of. I've been pondering this - why is self care so difficult? Because I don't love myself, I shouldn't need medication, I'm lazy and forgetful?

My soul hurts.

Many days, getting out of bed is difficult. People are exhausting. Cleaning the house isn't important; grocery shopping, cooking and laundry get done only when it's absolutely necessary and even then begrudgingly. I forget what I was doing, get lost going to regular places I always go to. My mind wanders off unpredictably, words don't make their way to my mouth. The couch has a stronger hold on me than just about anything. I have many, many good intentions. Very little follow through.

I see what I'm saying and experiencing, yet, I don't want to try anti-depressants. The dance of getting it right sounds downright exhausting. I have more shame about the possibility of needing medication for my mood than for the eczema of my lady parts. And I have a lot of shame about my lady parts. I struggle with not being strong, knowing full well that white-knuckling it isn't working. Not working, not getting much in the way of attention for the job applications I send out is a blow to my ego, too. I wonder if taking something will help me feel like myself again, help me to manage life on a day to day basis or cause more problems and have negative side effects.

My soul has been here before.

Cue Grey's Anatomy and the insight I think I need. It doesn't help me decide to go get meds. But it does remind me to have a bit of hope for the future.

"There's a stage you go through during childbirth; it's the toughest part, its called the transition stage. You've been pushing so hard and so long you're exhausted. Spent. And there's nothing to show for all of your effort. During this transition stage it feels like you just can't go on. But it's only because you're very nearly there.

Transition is movement. From one part of life to a whole new one. And it can seem like one long dark scary tunnel. But you have to come out the other side. Because what's been waiting there, might just be glorious."

I'm definitely in a life transition. What's on the other side is unknown, scary as hell. I don't remember childbirth transition as Meredith Grey is talking about it here but I know I experienced it when I gave birth to Twig. Being stuck in fear. Just like now. I made it then. I'll make it now.

Das Boot

Plantar Fasciitis...Poop!

I'm wound up oh, so tight that the doc had to work to get my left foot to flex at a 90° angle. It's not surprising. My hamstrings, quads, hip flexors, and low back are chronically tight.

He suggested that it could take 3 months to get back to pain free. Lordy. The body is telling me to love it. Forcing me, actually.

I will commit to 3 months of stretching 4 times a day in addition to my eczema and asthma meds twice a day. Sleeping in the boot that keeps it stretched at night. I will see the naturopath to see about the eczema issues to see about dietary changes I can make. I already started drinking more water, have been applying a homemade oil of vitamin e, jojoba, and coconut and it is helping. Today I also started a turmeric and probiotic supplement for inflammation. It may be harder to forego the dairy. Yesterday I had ice cream and today, fresh mozzarella cheese. Mmmm, cheese. But only.once, not several times. Baby steps.

I have focused my job search to public sector work, preferably part time and have settled on a pay range. The application process is harder than for Craigslist jobs, and perhaps more competitive, but the compensation is worth the effort. I finished an application for a part-time position today and feel hopeful about my chances. And, the last public sector job I applied for I was a serious contender. I will find the right fit with reasonable people, preferably part-time and good pay. That is what I want. I have wanted it for a long time. It is my time.

My time to get what I want so that I can take good care of me, too.