Waves

Life is up and down.

Mothers day and my birthday kinda sucked. It wasn't necessarily bad but it was just as rough as any other Sunday. Laundry, cooking, shopping, kid wrangling. Oh, the kid wrangling!

My mom unexpectedly showed up on Saturday - Wood told me so it wasn't a complete shock. I acted surprised and it made her happy. It makes me happy too, that she's here. Which is why I am having a tough time with my low feeling tonight. There is no "reason" to feel yucky.

It could have something to do with the job I'm applying for being very big (and the girl in my head that thinks I'm not up for it) or the unsuccessful clothes shopping adventure (because my clothes don't fit, I didn't find anything to buy and I can hardly believe I let myself get to this weight).

I have an underlying lack of confidence in myself anymore. It's not familiar and I don't like it one little bit. My Nice Lady says that the Little Wonelle that survived has done a fantastic job keeping things functional - until now. Her strategies aren't working anymore -they never really were, actually. We are seeing and feeling the same stuff we've always seen and felt and our same old responses don't work anymore. The lack of confidence is probably a combination of the old voices talking shit and the more mature voices knowing that the old voices can't keep things together by sheer will anymore.

I haven't been to the gym consistently but I signed up for a 4 week crossfit class that starts next Tuesday (happy birthday, happy mother's day to me!). I hope it is the shot in the arm I need to create community and consistency in my workouts. If it costs more, whatever. I'm worth it.

Wood has been rather aggressive with me and with Twig. Verbally. For example at dinner the other night Twig wanted to talk about the.water fluoridation measure that's on the ballot here. His friends have been talking about it and he is looking for more information on the subject. Wood hates it when he hears "my friend said" because it implies that Twig believes the friend. Wood's tone changes and it sounds angry. I interject and say "May I make an observation?" to which he responds
"NO, YOU MAY NOT." 
"Really? Why is that? Because you sound angry and that's maybe not what you're trying to be" (toward your 8 year old kid that's just learning about peer pressure, what other people think, how to make an informed choice, etc. You Asshat). It's weighing heavily on me. This macho bullshit that comes out of him periodically. I don't like it.

Meditation has been tough to get to. I can't do it if anyone but Wood is awake. However, Twig is starting to understand that when I tell him to be quiet and leave me alone, he must do so. That is good stuff right there.

Work seems to be settling down - people are behaving for the moment. That is good.

Now it is time to hit the gym.