Who's That Girl?

She's married to Wood and her son is Twig. She and her husband are a team that communicates, works together, plans for the future and has a pretty good life. Sure, there are tough grown up circumstances that challenge them but they can handle it.

Twig gets most of what he needs. They wonder if it's too much but plug along as parents do, trying to shape a good hearted, thinking person; they do what they can to attend to his social and deep emotional needs. Which happen to be intense lately.

The boy says he has magic powers - if he thinks something it happens. When it doesn't, it's just because he didn't do a good job at predicting the future. Wonelle tells him she's got magic, too. Everybody does, they just don't listen to it. She tells him about energy. He tells her that his magic can only happen once, that's why it isn't consistent. She reminds him that Harry Potter and all of his friends repeat the same magic over and over. It can be done with some practice (maybe not willing things to happen with your mind but hell, who am I to say?).

She attends to his needs, her husband's needs, work, household chores both mundane and out of the ordinary. She has energy, stamina, drive. Strength, purpose, fortitude. Perhaps it's Mercury on her side. Or just a spot of magic that's been hiding out of view for a spell.

No matter, she feels like herself today (or is it the last few days) - or at least some version of capable and comfortable in her own skin. It feels good. She knows she's on the right path. She is the same-old Wonelle (just weari.g bi-focals), that's who.

MishMashMoshUp Dream

I woke up from this awesome dream a few minutes ago. In it, wood and I moved to a new garden apartment, with Mistress Maggie and Twig (who in the dream was my niece Butthead). We had lots of neighbors with pets - cats, dogs, and wildly decorated cockatoos. The birds decor was often a source of income, if it was.good enough, they'd get upwards of $150.

There was no stress in my dream. Even for potentially stressful things like when I couldn't find the litter box and the kid left without saying where w/he was going. Not an ounce of worry even despite the fact that we had just moved.

Wood was at work.

There were people everywhere even though we were in a very private place. Friendly, happy, helpful friends that it seemed I'd known all of my life. Maybe this is astral travel again? One friend gave me directions around town along with pointers, I jogged with at least one or two others. The running was great!

We lived by the beach.

That is all I can muster at the moment. But it was beautiful to be among friends. To feel safe and comfortable, especially in a new place..

Snoopy

Woods all time favorite cartoon character. The role Twig plays in his upcoming theater performance. What I have allowed myself to become.

The question I keep repeating is whether this "need" I have is something to be investigated further, a wild goose chase, a means to sabotage my relationship, or mental illness?

I have not been able to fall back to sleep since putting Twig down. My stomach hurts a bit, funky throat feelings this evening, stress about work and my mind won't turn off about Sarah. Not her, per se but the concept of infidelity. Even despite what I know about my husband - that he is uber loyal and faithful, even when it does not serve him to do so.

I let the bad voices take over - went and poked around email. Turns out there's nothing and yet I can't seem to turn it off.

Really, Wood doesn't deserve my sneaking around to look at his stuff. Neither do I. It's unfair.

Dear Snoopy,
Q U I T.
There's nothing to see here. It's okay, you're not lying to yourself. Besides, if you are, it will be made clear to you. Deal with it then.
L

Fertile To Boot

I can't totally shake the fear and loathing of Sarah. Wood's old and new phone email, text, and photos were clear of any damning evidence, save the steamy porn featuring oral sex (which I have issues with providing) on the old cell phone, with regard to Sarah or the other work colleague I freaked out about. I came clean - told him of my teenage antics looking at his stuff and how insanely out of control I feel about the whole thing.

Have I mentioned lately that I also feel like he's the best guy in the whole wide world and how lucky I am to have him as my husband? He could have freaked out, stomped, yelled, screamed, or reacted otherwise poorly to my accusation-line-of-questioning-insecurity. But he didn't.

He was noticeably upset by the audacity of it all because, after all, he's a one woman man. But he listened. Intently. Caringly. With grace, humility, and respect.

All the qualities that led me to marry him were there through those conversations. They've been lying dormant with respect to me  for a while. It was nice to see and experience them first hand. It has definitely been good in myriad ways.

We've were going at it intensely since the confrontation last week - as in something insane like 5 out of 7 days of super hot, hot, hot wonderful! Granted we were unencumbered while in Vegas but it continued when we returned home - late nights and early school-mornings. We haven't been that amorous since we F I R S T started dating.

I wonder if I'm insecure AND fertile. Okay, add bat-shit-crazy to the list of what I am because despite all of the good, the talking, steamy sex and such, I'm not completely confident that its "over". He's a tight lipped guy. Maybe he's just really good at keeping a secret, an excellent liar, and I'm just seeing what I want to see?

Thanks for listening.

Embarrassed

We walked through the festival and found our seat among the people in attendance. Wood had his beer. At the table, we talked as did the others. Our conversation was about That Witch - I accused her of being a Witch and of taunting Wood and me in bad ways. The tone was fine for a bit and suddenly changed - I got angry. I yelled and swiped my hand across the air, catching his plastic beer cup. It bent. Wood was surprised. The others at the table stared at me. I apologized buy wanted to shrink away and not be seen.

Except for the physical and verbal outbursts, I think this dream is a recap of what happened between Wood and I with regard to his colleague and my insecurity. Throughput the night, it kept repeating itself - in my lucid mind - as if to not forget this. To show me how outrageously immature I had been and how I had embarrassed myself and my husband. As if to say "it's not over", at least for you, Wonelle. And probably for him, too. See what his friend from work gave him upon his return to the office? Perhaps his colleague that sat a few rows in front of us heard our conversation and told his work friend? I

It seems like it should be over. I'm just wondering if its really over. Clearly, there's some embarrassement to work through.

Fractured Sleep

Since our trip, my sleep has been light. I'm on alert as it were, extra sensitive to Wood - his breathing is waking me from very dreamy places full of intrigue and work. Figurative and literal intrigue and work.

Last night we had pizza with lots of arugula piled on top for dinner. I had chips & salsa before dinner. Lots of wine. Except for the chips & salsa, the same on Friday night. My stomach was heavy, kind of queasy early on both Friday and last night. I wonder if it's the food I've ingested. Maybe its that combined with feeling like my entire constitution is off-kilter. Coming off the flu a tiny bit still and vestiges of Vegas all over the place - dry (sandpaper like) skin, athletes foot, a need for vegetables and a few good poops.

Besides that, there is a lot on my mind:

1. The work I'm doing with my Nice Lady. She recommended a book - How to be an adult in relationships (Ricoh). The focus, apparently as I haven't started reading yet, is about being present.

2. Twig has been very weepy and whiny the last couple of days. He needs more than usual amounts of encouragement and processing time from me. School has been exceptionally hard for him over the past few weeks as he's on a "behavior plan" in the classroom and we've set very tough consequences for failure to perform - as in loss of all extra curricular activities. I'm not totally keen on the teacher right now as she's made some hefty suggestions about his behavior meaning he can't stay at the school. His academics are fine. Except that she's marking those down because of behavior. She hasn't talked to us about these things until it reached critical mass. I won't have it. I love him to pieces.

3. I'm very, very behind at work and going in for 3 hours on Saturday didn't really help much with catching up. My boss continues with her antics of inappropriate boundaries, comments and such. I attended a meeting on my last day of vacation where she felt as though I hurled a personal affront toward her when I said that I thought we should have our management team retreat on more neutral territory (she had said we'd do it at her house). My newest and longest employed staff are not getting along after 3 weeks on the job. Yelling. I'm having to spend time facilitating therapy sessions, setting clear boundaries for behavior in the workplace and threatening swift and severe consequences for failure to be civil.

4. Wood and I have talked at length about "Sarah" and I think weP both have realized that she's a symbol or symptom of something bigger - mostly the fact that we have forgotten to be in a relationship with each other because we have focused so much on everyone else's needs. Talking openly has led to other openness, feeling much more connected and present with each other. Since I have only one true reader, I can also say that the talking and presence has very, VERY positively affected my libido. It hasn't been this steamy since we were a brand new couple.

5. Oh, the school auction. I often wish I hadn't signed up to help. My lofty goals of raising money have been usurped by the reality of working full-time, raising a busy, bounce kid and balancing those things against my own mental/physical/emotional health. It's okay - people on the committees get it. That gives me the space to be gentle on myself.

Happy Sunday. I'm off to the craft store, a birthday party, and a children's theater show today. Laundry and cleaning in between. I need to get on it now! The day's a wasting.

Dear Sarah

It was a pleasure to meet you this weekend at the conference. Wood has said great things about you and your work - that you are smart and energetic, someone that he is glad to be able to learn from in his professional life.

Perhaps we got off to a bad, if not odd, start. It certaily was strange to me, to be introduced to you and for your response to be that you were uncomfortable about our meeting. And why I pointedly asked "Really, why?" The statement got my hackles up and my gut queasy but I told myself it wasn't anything to think too much about.

However, that was not the only odd interaction between you, my husband and I over the weekend. If it were, I probably wouldn't be writing this letter. Try as I may, though, something about the way you interacted with my husband and me wasn't right. It was weird. It was all wrong.

It was like there was something very personal happening for you with regard to Wood - the way you avoided eye contact and any conversation with me, essentially being near my husband and leaving whenever I arrived said you were too comfortable with him and uncomfortable with us (him & me together, and just me) all at the same time.

Our final interaction at the luncheon - where you didn't say anything to me (granted I didn't use my assertiveness skills to say hello to you or anyone else at the table) and where I picked up an ever-so-slight glance Wood gave you upon my arrival to the table...combined with you not responding to my attempt to engage you in conversation during lunch...and a look you gave me...perhaps it was the slight cock of your head when after lunch we talked so briefly about how this was the celebration of our anniversary; this weekend because the actual weekend is full of family obligations (you mentioned sans child, so you know we are a family) - this combination of interactions sent up red flags and bells-a-ringing. I wanted to talk to you, to get to know you because of the good things Wood has said as well as the clear discomfort between us. It would have been good to have had some time to talk and get to know each other. There was time. You were disinterested.

Our meeting(s) has stirred up some latent and supremely powerful feelings - suspicion, contempt, jealousy, and fear - that my husband of nearly 10 years hasn't been faithful to me.

This letter is in part to tell you that these strange interactions have been a blessing in disguise. They pushed us to open our lines of communication, talk about the things that make our marriage worthwhile - the good, bad and indifferent - and that keep us together. It has reminded us of our need and DESIRE to BE TOGETHER. That is sometimes difficult to remember - the years definitely make us stronger but it takes a lot of work, too.

Sarah, you lifted a mirror up to me so that I could see my stuff. It's hefty. It's complicated and threatening. As scared as I was to ask and possibly get an answer I didn't want (or worse, get the answer I did want but didn't believe), I asked my husband whether anything inappropriate has ever happened between you and him "Did you ever touch her, dance with her, kiss her or otherwise do anything with her that I wouldn't want to see?" No. "Did she ever do anything to you that wouldn't be considered okay?" No. His email, text and phone history confirm that he hasn't had contact with you outside of conferences. I otherwise have no reason to distrust him. Besides, he really is the most loyal person I've ever known. To his detriment at times (that's another topic best left for another day). His commitment to me is clear - however, despite all of that I know that people are fallible, relationships are fragile, affairs happen and when they do it's rarely planned. I also know that people don't automatically tell the truth in these kinds of situations. I believe him when he says he has never been unfaithful to me but I'm also a realist.

This letter is also to tell you that I saw you, Sarah. Wood didn't, and probably doesn't see you in the same way. He's too proper and professional to say so, even if he did. I'm more like Rupaul who said "I always try to come from a place of love but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker."

Here's the breakdown: Make no mistake; I saw you and you have no claim to Wood. Intermittent professional contact is the extent of it. I saw you. Get my husband out of your head. Wood is off limits, always has been, always will be. I saw you and want you to know, if it isn't already abundantly clear, I will protect my marriage and family at all costs.

In time you will find someone. He'll be amazing because you clearly have good taste in men. If it can happen for me, it surely can happen for you.

Thanks for this, Sarah. It has been nearly cathartic. I do look forward to the opportunity to meet you again.

Sincerely,

L

Sarah

There's a young woman, in her early 20's, that Wood has become friends with through his attendance at work conferences over the past couple of years. I got to meet Sarah this week. I have a bad feeling in my gut about her, and Wood.

She came up to us on the first night of the conference and said hello to Wood, a couple of other people and me. In doing so, she rolled up on him and grabbed his arm as if he was her date, smiling happily in the way Women Who Like Men do. I was immediately introduced and she was instantly uncomfortable, saying something to the effect of "Oh, wow, I feel uncomfortable now." Not "It's nice to meet you". My response was rather direct with "Oh, really, why?" As if to say quite clearly "What the fuck do you have to be uncomfortable for?" She chatted for a few minutes and walked away.

Throughout the conference, which I participated in a fair amount, she was nearby Wood - until I was there. When she was hanging out with him and I was there, she essentially refused to interact with me. At the final luncheon, I was late, and when I arrived, there they were, sitting next to each other. She didn't look at me, didn't say hello and left the table as soon as she could.

I'm fuming angry because dancing and other traveling events where Wood wasn't available are talking to me. Granted, I'm feeling bad about myself. I've been cheated on. And I'm coming up on my 10 year wedding anniversary, thinking that my husband has fooled around with a conference buddy.

What's wrong with me?

Ten

Sans kid, we are celebrating 10 years of marriage in the opposite setting that we celebrated our union... our honeymoon was spent in a low end, $40/night room in the southern part of Costa Rica. Maybe it says something about where we are in our lives now...10 years later we're in glitzy, glamorous, opulent Las Vegas, baby!

Wood has a conference this week and I'm tagging along because I've never been to Las Vegas before. Since I'm working on the auction and that event is the weekend of our actual anniversary, we're celebrating early.

We rented a car today and took a ride out to Hoover Dam, walked and drove the strip, took a bath in the jacuzzi tub, and finished off with a lovely dinner at Bouchon (Cork in French). We ate so much that we didn't have room for dessert.

Hoover Dam was simply amazing and makes me think that it is a glaring example of what makes the United States a great place. It was built in a time when we took great risks and did amazing things.

Las Vegas, the strip in particular, is a glaring example of what is wrong with our country, culture, world. What is it that has us (the proverbial us, Wood and I aren't drinking that Cool Aid) believing that "this" is living?

Speaking of living, we want the next 10 to be full of laughter, family and friends. Work hard work, play harder.

The next few days Wood will be working and I'll be mostly on my own. There are few things on my list - exercise and reading. Whatever else happens, happens. I'm glad to be celebrating 10 years. Sometimes I feel like a fraud of a wife.

Flu

Twig has been sick since Tuesday. He woke up, told us about his White Sash promotion the night before and promptly told me he thought he had a fever. Fifteen minutes later it was 100 degrees and climbing. It stayed with him off-and-on until Wednesday night and finally turned into sniffling. He's still down.

Wood was sick last week, following Twig being out for three days. Same deal - headache, fever, no appetite. Somehow I didn't get it.

Until today.

Well, starting yesterday my throat was a bit odd and in the evening my asthma flared pretty fiercely. It was tough to fall asleep because of the albuterol treatment and once I woke this morning, I couldn't move. By 10am I had a fever of close to 101 and was crying about it in the doctors office. Fever makes me completely incapacitated.

I've got my codeine cough syrup and my tamiflu and my layers of clothes to keep me warm. Twig has Netflix to keep him occupied. Please let Wood be free from this! We have Las Vegas nest week.