Fleeting Feelings

They come and go but whenever they do, they're fierce feelings.

I texted Wood today and told him I'm planning my departure from this place. I'm not interested in this. He didn't respond.

Later, when I was in the bathroom, it occurred to me that I can choose to make this anything I want it to be. Like I've said of my marriage. But I have to choose.

I don't want to be a quitter. I also don't want to be in defensive mode all the time. I want something a bit more warm and fuzzy.

The jury has not yet made it's final decision. But it's close. It will.

Positive Momentum

The job isn't tough. The boss really isn't either. My history and internal dialogue is. She's a mirror for my stuff.

I have developed and hold the tools necessary to manage myself. The crux of the issue is knowing and encompassing them:

Being in charge of me, my thoughts and actions.

Managing my inner voice and quieting or silencing negative talk, especially where the thoughts or opinions of others (who haven't said anything) are concerned, and which isn't true or helpful.

Setting clear and firm boundaries for myself and others. Communicating them with clear and consistent compassion.

Knowing that I am not bound to any choice forever.

Speaking the truth - having an open, honest dialogue instead of dropping a conversation because it's tough.

Caring for myself deeply - in thought and action - regular food, sleep, medical care, sex, exercise, joy.

Giving myself permission to be me. Because I'm pretty fanned awesome.

The Nice Lady and I will be ending our relationship. I'm ready. Part of this is practicing the process of endings. So much of my challenges lie in being with my feelings (whatever they may be). I know how to burn bridges, walk away and never look back. I haven't had nearly enough endings that finish on a good note. So, here we go. Over the next 6 weeks, we have 3 appointments and will process ending. All the while knowing that if I want counseling at some point in the future, she's available. I've come a long way, too. That's comforting.

Struggling

Insomnia looms large.

The new job is a lot, as I've already said. My boss is difficult and she brings up my stuff in a big mutherfucking way.

I am afraid. On edge. Paralyzed by anxiety. In protective mode.

Unable to perform. Unable to care for myself in a reasonable way. Overwhelmed and fairly sure that this was not a good move, that it's just a matter of time before I'm let go. I had wrong hopes for this gig, this woman at the helm.

I want less intensity with superiors. It will come.

Rough & Tumble

The new job has been a tough transition. Much harder than I expected. Sort of.

It's pushing me to set and maintain boundaries, stick up for myself, be okay with a lot of chaos, take care of myself, and produce a lot. All skills I posess. Just skills I don't practice consistently.

The Universe is aligned for me. I can and will do this.

Sunday Visit

Like every weekend, we visited grandma today. Earlier in the morning than usual because we had plans to take Twig to Seattle to see a baseball game. Tomorrow's his birthday and the A's are on their way to the World Series, so, here we are, visiting grandma earlier in the day than usual.

She seemed like her normal self at first. But after breakfast, she called us into her room and proceeded to tell us that the people there are trying to poison her, that she's scared because she's being left alone, and wants to come live with us. It was quite the scene. She's agitated and tells us she's sure we think she's crazy. She talks for a minute while fidgeting. Cross her leg, uncross her leg. Reposition herself in the chair, then get up and walk to the kitchen to be sure the caretaker is still there. Return to tell us that she's been left alone again. To which we reassure her she is okay, and that the woman with the baby is still there and will not leave. It's all happening in her head and she's the only one living in that head.

This causes Wood much stress and anxiety. He gets angry at her behavior and irrational line of thinking. She picks up on his anger and continues anyway. She can't help it. She's confused and she doesn't remember what she's saying it doing.

I asked the caretaker to give her a Trazadone in the hopes that she would calm down a bit. Especially given the fact that the regular caregiver wasn't home and we were leaving for the day.

Grandma called just as we were entering Seattle. Three hours later and the agitation and line of thought was the same. Perhaps the Trazadone wasn't the right thing to do to help. Perhaps there is nothing that we can do to help.

Change

Our building just sold. We've known for the past few months that this would happen. It's been really hard for me. I've got a lot if feelings about it. Unresolved loss, lack of transition closure and too much unplanned change in our lives I suppose.

If I list it, it's impressive. In about 3 years time this has happened:

-husband moves to Portland
-child goes to kindergarten
-house gets burgalarized
-nephew gets cancer
-niece gets born
-me & twig move to Portland
-grandma gets surgery
-grandma gets Alzheimer's diagnosis
-grandma plans to move into independent living place in Portland
-grandma moves in with us
-we move to accommodate grandma living with us
-twig acts out, violently at times
-grandma breaks her spine in a freak bus accident
-I have unexpected appendix surgery and the same week, a weird mammogram result and torn cartilage in my knee
-I have an almost hospital worthy asthma episode
-grandma moves to a group home
-we move to a new place
-twig hates second grade
-I get a new job

I'm over going with the flow. I'm tired and I want it to be simple and quiet.

Time to sleep.

Healing

Mind, body and soul are all on the mend.

I have some brain power to think about what I want for myself, my family, our lives - long and short term.

My body is doing well. I'm sleeping through the night. Despite waking with headaches in the mornings (allergies, me thinks), I'm hungry for food. The small biopsy wound on my arm is healing (no call from the dermatology office this week as promised, I'll check in again next week) and my hair is growing in. I've got "whispies" where there have been none for a long time. My nails are growing quickly, they are peeling, too (there really is no reason to do dishes and clean!). I care not.

Libido and an ability to laugh is present where it had gone missing. I have hopes and dreams where I once felt suffocated. I'm feeling capable of starting exercise again.

Life is good. 

The Season of Me

No more job I was unhappy at. A week off before I start my new one (although there is some work I have to do to prepare).

Dentist - check
Blood Pressure - 129/66 - check
Dermatology appt. - freeze off the spot on my forehead - check
        - scalp scabs that won't heal - acne - check
         - scaly stuff on my hand - excema - check
         - Brown spot on my forearm - biopsy - wait a week for the results

Later I lunch with a friend. Arrange appointments, run errands, get stuff done. Watch more tv.

Yep, it's like that.

Bit By Bit

I'm stepping out of my current role.

Last week I announced my departure to everyone. Today I removed my work email from my cell phone.

What will it be tomorrow, besides counting the days until I'm out?

Hurry!

It's perfectly normal, Wonelle, that when waiting for a really big dream to come true it seems like it's taking forever, you wonder if you're doing something wrong, and you feel like you should just be happy with less.

But I promise you, no matter how long it takes, once it happens it'll seem as if time flew, you'll wonder how you ever doubted yourself, and you'll feel like you should have aimed a little higher.

Aim a little higher, Wonelle -The Universe

********
These notes from the Universe always are spot-on and show up in my in-box just in the nick-of-time.

Fortitude

Since I resigned on Monday, I've felt a surge of calm and simultaneous energy wash over me. It's feeling stronger every day, too. Like I can take on the life I'm living rather than being a slave to it.

I'm announcing to the management team and my staff today. Although, I'd be only mildly surprised if people already know. The grapevine there is supercalifragilisticexpialedocious. Things people didn't know they knew other people already know, you know?

I'm working on setting myself up for success in the new gig, too. And need to write some thank you notes pronto.

Self Care Reminder in my In-Box (!)

No more "supposed tos," OK, Wonelle?

You're not supposed to work harder, look better, sleep less, sell more, run faster, talk slower, be happier, stay longer, leave earlier, cook, clean, negotiate, settle, start, stop, move, try, win, shake, rattle or roll.

Other people made all that up.

I love you the way you are,

The Universe

*****************
Oh, you can do any or all of the above, Wonelle, you so can, but you're not "supposed to."

Self Care

It's beginning to be the season of me. Quitting my job! NOT taking a walk when I wanted to stay home. Going to sleep very soon because I'm exhausted. It's all about taking care of Wonelle's true needs. First.

You Must Finish What You Start

To Hell with that!

I'm a quitter and it feels SO (expletive) good!

Hopefully I'll manage to be out if here in three weeks. It's going to be a long three weeks!

Tarot

I have a nifty tarot app on my phone and this is what popped out today. Next to that is my new office (from the door so I'll be moving the desk first thing).

It seems a bit scary - especially with all the change I'm about to encounter. My fears about the change are frequent and range from daily considerations like telling my current boss and colleagues, drop off and pick up changes for Twig, worries that I'll be learning a lot (is it too much?) or expected to do too much too fast, to being unhappy, and wondering what the future holds.

I need to have faith that it will work out just fine. It's going to be just fine.

Right?

We're About Half Way There

Sunday July 28, 2013 7:42am

Wood,

I took the biggest risk of my entire life just to meet you. I may have to choose every day, but I've never once regretted it -you're the best person to ever come into my life. I love you a million times over, especially because you love every part of ME.

Watch this Story Corps video

Love, Wonelle

*****************
Tues July 30, 2013 7:43am

My first my last my everything. You have given me so much in our time together. A beautiful and talented son. A relationship based on truth even when it hurts. An honest and unflinching support of me even in the face of my own ineptitude and sometimes lack of focus.

We both stepped outside the relative comfort of our lives just for a chance to be together. What an amazing gift when you are willing to risk yourself for a chance at love. Thank you for being my partner every step of our journey together. You are such a beautiful person. Please keep loving yourself as much I love YOU! Thank you for being all mine...

Wood

Home Sweet Home

It took nearly the entire vacation before home was anywhere on my radar screen. Granted, I missed Twig, as much as any mom can when she's only one small step from completely losing it; that 12 hour drive through Grants Pass and horrible wildfires smoke was really tough because I was excruciatingly exhausted for most of it and we haven't had a real family vacation in a couple of YEARS. It was long overdue. I didn't realize how much I needed it until it began. But I'm glad to be home.

I extended my time away from work through today. There's stuff that needs to be done on the home front. And I've kind of already checked out of that place. I've checked email a couple of times and it's just annoying. I knew that place was trouble from day one. I should have walked away then. I should have run! But grown ups have obligations. I felt like I had to keep the job. So I did.

It hasn't been all bad. I've been given some serious opportunities there. I've made some positive improvements. I've grown and developed programs, people, and myself. But, still, I should have RUN away after the first day!

At least one staff person will be glad to see me go - and she'll think she's won. To that I say "we both win!" Others will be disappointed but not because of any relationship we've built. My boss will be disappointed because my departure will make her ability to look good harder than it is. My staff will be disappointed because of the unknowns my leaving will bring. It's been very, very rocky with them for about 8 months. I don't think clients will care much, or notice, really. My job impacts them but not too directly. I will be sad to leave a couple of people - one really - but we will be able to have a friendship outside the office. I am sad to leave, like when you leave a boyfriend that isn't good for you but you just know he has has the potential to be a great husband and father. To someone else.

Yeah, it's like that!

I think my new boyfriend will like my sassy attitude and big fat ass - I could be selling myself a bill of goods but I'm not just jumping into this relationship like I did that last guy. I took some time to think this one through and feel like we fit better. It feels like going home.

Choices

I'm going to go for it. Scared to death but I'm going to take the plunge and accept the job.

Decisions, Decisions

I was offered the job!

As I spouted off all of the pros and cons to Wood, the CEO called and offered me the job. She said she never wavered from me as the top candidate from a pool of 8 (or 9) very qualified people. I expressed my thanks and expressed that I was flattered to be her choice, and proceeded to tell her that I needed to discuss the offer with my husband and call her back next week.

I'm torn. Scared of staying where I am, of leaving, of doing something new, with new people, new places - of doing new things. Boy, Wood's friend sure did hit the nail on the head.

Ultimately, my issue is about taking a leap of faith.

I can barely recognize myself here - wanting to make the right choice so badly and not confident in my choice. There are reasons to stay and reasons to go.

Reasons to stay include a fair amount of autonomy and flexibility. Reasons to leave include too much responsibility, too many (difficult) staff, etc.

Reasons to go include an environment that is crazy-making (not that the new place isn't also crazy-making - it's a serious unknown).  More money, less responsibility, opportunity to do new things and a slightly different arena of work.

I'm leaning toward taking it. Really, I am. But I need to talk to the CEO and get some more information about her, style, and issues that are important to me - autonomy, etc.

Vacation

Sad, homesick, weepy, familiar, and distant. All words that could be used to describe the feeling of being home on vacation. None correct.

The feeling I couldn't conjure a word for is Melancholy.

It's familiar but not familiar here. People, places, streets, feelings. Not quite the same as they once were. They can never be, really. And yet I long for them. Simultaneously knowing that it's futile to do so.

I am working on being present in this moment. It's all I've got. I can't wax poetic about what was and live now at the same time. That's taking now for granted. Not intentionally, but really the case.

Always ready to move on, and yet I'm stuck in the past. I never fully lived it. Re-living isn't possible. I mourn what was, what could have been. What I wish I was. What I wish I were. Then and now.

Wood and Radical Acceptance are correct, it's time to love all of me. Now is the time to try.

Friday Topics

Friday is Nice Lady day. First thing in the morning I head out to chat.

Last week was tough.

This week wasn't much easier. I can't form sentences all too well - when it comes to this shizzle, yo, so I'm gonna write a list-y kind of thing...

Trust - in the goodness of others or likelihood that someone will do me wrong
Faith - in something like God or a higher power and the fact that I can't will things to be
Kindness - with self first
Open heart - what is so scary about all of the above?
Alanon - ugh, I'm so disinterested and she won't drop it
Me - be nice and first take care of self. This includes eating, sleeping, reading, etc.
Vacation - starts now

That's all I've got now. Thanks for reading, Paula. And anyone else that comes here.

The Universe

The greater the emotional pain, Wonelle, the greater the desire had been to learn the most, fast.

Impressive,
     The Universe

*******************
And the greater the desire, Wonelle, to get on with happily ever after... which begins right about now.

www.tut.com

HUNGRY

I woke up at 3am, my head full of shit from the day and anxiety about a job interview I've got today. And then my belly got all belchy and started saying "feed me, Seymour"  so, instead of ignoring it and staying awake for the rest of the night, tossing and turning, stressing about shit I can't fix anyway, and being pissed off that I was awake, I headed to the kitchen for some Pastrami (salt), milk/honey cookie (starch and I'm just guessing here, but some saturated fat), and strawberry lemonade (sweet). Then I FELL BACK TO SLEEP. And woke up this morning ravenous.

I can do this. I can do it well. With some food in my belly!

Dreaming

Walking around, I threw my shoes - into a room I wanted to go into, to see what was going on, but the doors closed.

Before the shoe throwing there were gobs of people around - it was about the holidays.

We left and got a fair distance away, swimming, and I remembered my shoes. I climbed back up and into the hotel to retrieve them.

A man was cleaning shoes in a closet. There were several pair there and one looked kind of like mine, but they weren't. He led me to anothe spot where they could be. And then told me I'd have to wait.

His boss called me into a room. He was weird. The boss. Socially weird. But he looked familiar. I asked if he was the brother of a friend. From the running group. Explained I knew him, his daughter. Asked him his name. When he was under-responsive, I asked more questions. He played music - blasted it. I complimented his eclectic choices. I was not afraid.

He threatened me strangely, for tossing my shoes into the place that wasn't to be seen with plastic surgery. Held my head and face, traced all of the lines he'd cut, where he'd tuck and made a plan for the surgery. The shoe cleaner watched. It wasn't planned for today, it was for the time I came back. If I chose to come back again. That would be the punishment, I suppose.

I walk along a group of very young people. Mostly women w/their mom's. They're checking in to college. We weave along the windy path. I know my way, but not at the same time. I make a few friends and they tell the mothers about me. I will keep an eye on them. I'm a junior.

Intense Pain

I can't quite remember the last time I felt such an intense pain. Emotional, gut wrenching, pain.

It's real.

I'm working on it.

It will be better in the end.

Whenever that is.

For now, I read Radical Acceptance. And cry. A lot.

On Being Me

Nice Lady appointment today was rough. Real shit coming down the pike, yo.

Drill it down and the issue is abuse. That's harsh, for Fucking sure. But it's most likely the goddamned Truth.

I have a chip on my shoulder. I'm angry. I'm mean. Not always. But when I am, people react.

I'm mean.

To give or receive mean hurts like a motherfucking motherfucker.

So there it is.

Complaining

I'm in a "Fuck everybody, I hate people" mood. Mostly in my body and mind this week.

People, particularly at work, are annoying me to no end. I've let my inner bitch run wild a minute or two here and there.

Poor thing, she's been cooped up for such a long time... And I'm so darned rough on her for coming out every now and again. As if she should not exist.

She does. I DO. I EXIST.

So, here's the truth: I'm not interested in everybody and their goddamned feelings. Grow up. Get a pair.

If you don't want to do that, move on motherfucker. I'm over the bullshit.

Done.

My knee hurts like hell and isn't getting better. I let work drama keep me up last night. I'm in a place where I'm too exhausted at the end of the day to give my family what they need. Done, I tell you. Done.

Being In Charge

It is tough to constantly be in charge. I am - at home and at work - always the responsible one. Always in charge of everyone and everything.

Usually it's okay. But I'm beat down these days. Supervisor to people I'd have never in a million years hired is absolutely draining. Only because I work in a place that has no boundaries so bad behavior seems to be acceptable - even expected - and there aren't often repercussions for it.

In her written performance evaluation, a staff person stated that I'm disrespectful and not supportive. That concerns are minimized or ignored and some other, in the same vein, harsh stuff that was really hard to hear.

While I contend that this person is, again, someone I'd never hire, a pain in the ass, and adept at bitching instead of working, there is a bit of truth to her complaints. In my attempt to create clarity and boundaries, my supervisory authority does mean that I am clear about things being "my decision" and when it is appropriate (or not) to gossip about decisions that haven't been made. I know I sometimes seem like I don't give a shit. And honestly, sometimes, I don't.

So, there's the rub. I want to be in charge. But not of lazy babies whose mommies are going to give them a lolly just to prevent a crying tantrum in the middle of the grocery store because that's easier than dealing with the reality of teaching said baby that No means No and you have to deal with that.

So, I've been doing my best to refrain from defending, explaining and justifying my decisions and actions. But I've got a lot of babies in my midst. Babies that are used to mommy talking too much and making sure they "feel heard".

I listen. I don't always agree and I certainly don't give in to everything that everyone wants all the time. I can't. And that's different than not supporting. But, it's important that I at least consider what's being said about how I'm in charge. It doesn't mean that I necessarily need to change. Just consider how to seem more supportive to certain people.

I'll also consider that I've got a freaking job interview on Tuesday! It's probably a long shot. And the babies might be crazy there, too. Who knows? And vacation! Vacation is happening very soon!

Thanks, Universe, for giving me the right thing at the right time.

Zzzzzzzzzzz

Once my sister and the kids left, it was easy to settle into having our house and compact family all to ourselves again. My sister, bless her heart, just wanted to be home, I guess.

I've slept through the night for the past 4 nights in a row! Yea, it's true! And very, very exciting! Eat for Heat by Matt Stone has changed my life (for the last 4 nights anyway). Who knew that drinking less water throughout the day and eating some starch, sugar and salt instead, and particularly before bed could help?

I've been tracking my waking temperature daily and notice that I run much lower than normal. Sometimes as low as 96 degrees. Eat for Heat suggests that this is a sign of a poorly operating metabolism. The low temperatures and lack of sleep combined with eating too few calories, leave me cranky and lethargic. So, I'm trying to eat at my total daily energy expenditure as calculated from this calculator. The theory goes that most people gain weight from eating too little, not too much, and our bodies go into starvation mode, holding on to every calorie consumed to be prepared for the famine. Again, add poor sleep, and the low temperatures and do this enough and ones metabolism gets shot.

I'm working on getting enough sleep. If food helps, right on, I'm eating! Besides, I feel better when I'm well rested. And fed.

Like Mother Like Daughter

My sister decided not only to go home several days early but to leave at 9:30 at night without saying goodbye. I was exhausted and sleeping, Wood watching TV, Twig hanging out with them. She just packed everyone up and drove away. I'm so disappointed. It's so rude! And I told her that it sucked that she left without saying goodbye or letting us say goodbye. Because we were really looking forward to spending time together tomorrow. Maybe we offended them? Hey, my mom did it, too - walked out, no words, just left. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Now I'm just mad.

Today SUCKED

Most of it, anyway.

Started the day feeling weepy so I cried before even getting out of bed.

Wood yelled at me for *get this* dropping him off a block away from his office. He had the nerve to tell me it was unreasonable to do so.

My vacation was *nearly* thwarted and it put my blood pressure dangerously high for the entire day. On edge I guess.

One staff on vacation. One sick for the past two days. The third, of four, overly emotional for no reason. Lifted something too heavy EVEN THOUGH I SAID NOT TO, and landed herself at the doctor. An event unstaffed. A direct service person no showed a shift, the client yelled at me, another quit via TEXT message. And my mom called all stressed out. Which stressed me out.

It was a really rough day. Tomorrow is a fresh start. Crossfit in the morning - I joined the crossfit gym and committed for a year. And I spoke with my sweet Twig who sounds like he's having such a good time. And Wood apologized when I explained how hurt I was and that it makes me feel sad to think he regards me in a way that he can treat me so poorly.

Never ALL bad. But VERY tiring. Exhausting.

You Can't Make Me

I wish it were as simple as that.

I don't want to go to work. To argue, write, research, think and do stuff that I'm not really interested or invested in. Besides, it feels like nobody likes me or cares for the work I do and I'm exhausted by it. All of it.

I wanna run away from it. But there aren't enough sick days in the bank. And my resume isn't getting any love.

Sigh.

Overtired Asthmatic

It's been a while since I've posted. No real reason for not doing so. I check the posts of my favorite writers almost daily but I haven't had much time to write myself. Well then, there is a real reason.

This week has been tough. My lungs are upset and acting out. I exercised at home the other day, and although it was an exercise routine of 7 minutes, I started wheezing and was absolutely exhausted afterward. As in, I just want to go to sleep, it's 9am and I've been awake for only 3 hours but I have to get ky kid to school and go make some bacon.

It got me thinking about my level of exhaustion. Like I can't remember when I wasn't exhausted lately. Okay - more like I've been pooped for a good long time - fog brain at work, hitting the coffee twice a day, too tired to clean in the mornings or make lunches, ready for bed as soon as I get home (so microwave yourself some leftovers I'm sitting down). Fend for yourselves, people.

Many days, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I often force myself to go to the gym. Yes, I usually feel better once I'm moving around. But afterward I just want to sit and be still. The wheezing tipped me off to the fact that I'm not my total-badass-self anymore, doing more before 9am than most people do all day and it might be my asthma. Okay, my untreated asthma. Asthma that for several years, up until about last March, was medicated with some pretty heavy duty drugs to keep it controlled.

After the wheezing, I tested my breathing and noticed that it was about 100 points below my optimal - 325ish instead of 450. After the nebulizer treatment I felt shaky from the drugs but more alert and able to focus. Until the treatment wore off about 4 hours later. I pushed through the day and treated again in the evening. Shaky at first but slept like a champ. Treated again before working out. Pushed hard but the asthma really slows me down. In retrospect, even when walking only a couple of blocks at a quick clip.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to head to the pulmonologist and see if I can do this with less drugs than before.

More later. I'm tired now and if all goes well, I can get 2 more hours of sleep in before forcing myself to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.

Happy Day

At this very moment, I'm just sitting here not working on supplemental application materials for jobs I'm applying for.

God DAMN people want a lot of information in writing. What's a letter of interest if it's not a cover letter? And what the hell is different about a cover letter than a supplemental essay on how your skills and experience make you a good candidate for the position? I mean, considering that's really what you've included in your cover letter. Sheesh! I took a second day off of work to do this crap and haven't made too much of a dent. Okay, vent over.

Otherwise life is good. Twig's performance schedule is OVER! Wahoo! Weekends are free again! Only 4 more Mondays of Second grade. Oh, shit. That reminds me. Spider report is due on Wednesday and I have more work to do! Yes, I have more work to do. 

Who am I again?

Oh, that's right. The woman who took the day off of work (even though she shouldn't have) to work on job applications and my second grade spider report.

Ugh. I just want to go to sleep.

Question of The Week

What will it take, Wonelle?

To move past this place of using old habits or techniques that no longer serve you?

Have you hit rock bottom yet?

There's A Megaphone In My Ear

It began before 5 am. Around 4:30, I'm assuming, as it took a while of seething before I finally looked at the clock.

My mom who's been here since Saturday... I convinced her to stay an extra couple of days (my sister got a babysitter so she could)... Is leaving this morning.

I know she's trying to be quiet and she thinks she's being quiet. But she's not. Every single move she's made since she got up at 4:30am has reverberated through Twigs room, the bathroom, the hall and into my ears like she was standing next to my bed doing whatever the Fuck she's doing. Folding plastic bags, dropping shit on the floor, changing the Fucking toilet paper roll, breathing.

It's terrible, I know, that I'm kind of glad that she's leaving. This trip has been harder on me than all of the others. Maybe because I didn't initiate this one. Maybe because there was no real goal in mind for her. Just visiting.

Maybe it's the intense mood swings I've been having all week that are getting in the way. Yeah, I'm physically exhausted and my hormones are out of whack.

It sure would be nice to blame those things, or a million others. But I can't. The problem lies within me. And her, I guess. Our stuff. History, I'm thinking and I bet my Nice Lady will have something to say about it when we talk this morning.

She asks questions that are inappropriate. She snoops through our shit. She makes negative or judgemental comments about Twig's experience or whatever in front of him. She doesn't pick up on the subtle, and sometimes in-her-face ques to shut the Fuck up. She vacuums without asking if I want her to do it and then expects me to fall all over her for doing so (she probably just wants me to notice). She gets in the middle of my parenting, trying to soften what it is I'm trying to do when softening is unnecessary. She feels uncomfortable and makes whatever is happening about her. It's NOT about her. She doesn't know her own time and space. I don't know how to speak my peace in a way that she will hear and respect my wishes.

I probably haven't been the most fun to be with this week. It's maybe been a little better than I feel. But maybe not. What I am sure of is that everything is loud as Fuck lately.

It's 5:48am and I want some Fucking peace and quiet.

That'll have to wait until tomorrow. She's blow drying her hair.

Too Much

Wood used to say "Girl, you're too much!" To which I'd respond "I'm just right and don't you forget it."

Tonight he made me a whiskey sour. When I finished it, he made me a second. It was a silly evening. We laughed and giggled. I fell asleep with Twig and it didn't matter that his bedtime was after 9pm for the second time this week. He got his homework started and it's late opening tomorrow so we can really sleep in. We enjoyed each other and there was no arguing. Score.

Whiskey, on the other hand... No score. I woke up at about 1:30am with a headache. Belly ache. Congestion. Alcohol induced insomnia. Too much of what I do not need.

Meditation for the rest of this week will focus on: strength, abundance, capability, an open and welcoming environment to move to, health, exercise, diet and self care. Essentially, making well considered choices that are in my best interest.

Somehow, a Whiskey Sour or any of his brethren, aren't on that list. Oh, yeah, they're too much of the wrong kind. Wonelle, don't forget that!

A Little Help

I recently read this article that talked about the idea of creating ones reality and that with a little help from complete strangers, actually DID change their reality!

Won't you read the post over at Silver Raven and let me know if you'd like to partner up with me or another faithful reader from this here blog? I'd totally be up for a little reality shifting. And I am definitely not afraid to ask for help.

http://silverravenwolf.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/this-can-change-your-life-by-g-t-long/

I'll get to work on framing my new reality so that when help arrrives I've got it right and ready to go.

Waves

Life is up and down.

Mothers day and my birthday kinda sucked. It wasn't necessarily bad but it was just as rough as any other Sunday. Laundry, cooking, shopping, kid wrangling. Oh, the kid wrangling!

My mom unexpectedly showed up on Saturday - Wood told me so it wasn't a complete shock. I acted surprised and it made her happy. It makes me happy too, that she's here. Which is why I am having a tough time with my low feeling tonight. There is no "reason" to feel yucky.

It could have something to do with the job I'm applying for being very big (and the girl in my head that thinks I'm not up for it) or the unsuccessful clothes shopping adventure (because my clothes don't fit, I didn't find anything to buy and I can hardly believe I let myself get to this weight).

I have an underlying lack of confidence in myself anymore. It's not familiar and I don't like it one little bit. My Nice Lady says that the Little Wonelle that survived has done a fantastic job keeping things functional - until now. Her strategies aren't working anymore -they never really were, actually. We are seeing and feeling the same stuff we've always seen and felt and our same old responses don't work anymore. The lack of confidence is probably a combination of the old voices talking shit and the more mature voices knowing that the old voices can't keep things together by sheer will anymore.

I haven't been to the gym consistently but I signed up for a 4 week crossfit class that starts next Tuesday (happy birthday, happy mother's day to me!). I hope it is the shot in the arm I need to create community and consistency in my workouts. If it costs more, whatever. I'm worth it.

Wood has been rather aggressive with me and with Twig. Verbally. For example at dinner the other night Twig wanted to talk about the.water fluoridation measure that's on the ballot here. His friends have been talking about it and he is looking for more information on the subject. Wood hates it when he hears "my friend said" because it implies that Twig believes the friend. Wood's tone changes and it sounds angry. I interject and say "May I make an observation?" to which he responds
"NO, YOU MAY NOT." 
"Really? Why is that? Because you sound angry and that's maybe not what you're trying to be" (toward your 8 year old kid that's just learning about peer pressure, what other people think, how to make an informed choice, etc. You Asshat). It's weighing heavily on me. This macho bullshit that comes out of him periodically. I don't like it.

Meditation has been tough to get to. I can't do it if anyone but Wood is awake. However, Twig is starting to understand that when I tell him to be quiet and leave me alone, he must do so. That is good stuff right there.

Work seems to be settling down - people are behaving for the moment. That is good.

Now it is time to hit the gym.

Tuesday Boring

I woke from a scary dream early this morning. In the dream Wood was scared and frightened me. That is all. I gasped myself awake and didn't go back to sleep.

The gym was just fine, once I got there. It seems like I'm weighted down in the warm cozy bed but once I'm moving around its okay. I feel self conscious though, when other people are around, seeing my workout. Whatever, I'm still doing it.

Meditated again today. Turns out, 5 minutes goes fast. And it's harder to concentrate when the boys are doing subtraction and carrying-over  homework in the other room. I figure it's good practice for maintaining calm during real life.

My quest for a new job is manifesting in advertisements to respond to! Thank you Universe. I am prepared. I am worthy. I will talk positively to myself, about myself, for myself. I am strong and capable and there is a better place for me. In the meantime I will do the right thing, even when it's inconvenient.

Me, Me, Me

The Meditation space the Nice Lady and I discussed is all set up. It only took $40 and rearranging the living room; the pieces fell together with surprising ease.

It's a shelf on the book case that I've decorated with a new candle, an orchid (please stay alive!), a picture of something Buddhist-esque, "the hand of God" holding a found penny (find a penny, pick it up...), and a container of sea glass given to me by my best friend whom I haven't seen nor talked to in a good year or more. Not for my lack of trying. But, I digress.

The act of meditation also went better that I expected. Granted, 5 minutes ain't shit, but it's my shit, but I did it decently. It was my first try. I think I may have been a bit more grounded today. I look forward to doing it again tomorrow.

The best part of meditation is that it isn't bothering anyone. I can do it at home. No noise, interruptions, etc. It fits nicely into the family dynamic.

Nothing on the Alanon front yet. I want a new job. I am applying for a job with the county. It's a birthday present to myself. Moving on is important to me. I want to be somewhere that I am appreciated for what I can bring to the table AND bring it to the table.

Gym tomorrow. I can't ask myself if I will go. I have to state that I am going. It's been almost 2 weeks and any gains I'd made (as in weight or inches lost are gone). The personal training the boys will get me for mothers day/my birthday will help. Turns out I don't enjoy doing it alone every time. I'm strangely social when it comes to exercise.

Since I've been up since roughly 2am, it's my time to sleep now.

Be Well!

Weekend Bliss

Friday was super tough. It started with crying at home and continued at my Nice Lady appointment. Probably 2 hours worth when it was all said and done.

My Nice Lady thinks this is "good", that I've hit rock bottom and we can move forward now. I'm 4 months into my commitment to see her weekly for a year.  Things were much harder back in December, I think; crying multiple times a day for no reason. Now I'm just paralyzed by being overwhelmed and responding in a knee jerk fight or flight kind of way for everything. It's like I've got an allergy to people and my mind-body response is hardwired to behave "historically". I'm tired and know it, and I'm responding to those things as-usual, even though they won't work. But tools aren't something I've gathered along the way. 

She suggested two things: meditation (and a space for it at home) and Alanon meetings.

The meditation space I'm 100% in agreement with. Alanon, not so much. The time is hard to come by but I will probably fit it in at lunchtime. I'll suspend judgment until I've gone to a meeting or three.

My plan for the weekend has so far been foiled by unexpected homework assignments, helping a friend move, and an impromptu icecream/wine shin-dig with our neighbors. Each has been lovely. Although hanging with my college friend and his family was tough-ish for me - he and his friend are alcoholic and it wasn't super fun to be around his drunk ass. I wanted to leave soon after arriving. They have their place at the table but it's tenuous for me now. I need something stronger, more steady, fully present.

More homework tomorrow, laundry, grocery shopping, a playdate (hopefully two), a show, and maybe some time for me. I want to hit the gym and work on my meditation space. No matter what, I'm feeling okay. Rather grounded. It could change tomorrow. But for this moment...

Despite the Angst

It is clear that I have so much to be thankful for. And, I am full of gratitude for my boys, among other things. Cuddling them up first thing in the  morning really brings my blood pressure to an even place, makes me feel important, and gives meaning to the internal struggles I face. It's perspective in physical form. It is grounding. It is what I want to focus on!

TGTF - Thank Goodness Tomorrow's Friday

Today was hard. It wasn't all bad, but a bunch of stuff was really intense. Work related of course - things like being expected to produce something for which you have no clear direction, plan, or product goal. Things like smoke and mirrors are tough for me. I like structure, clarity, planning - I thrive amidst a smidgen of linear thinking and that is missing at my job.

I admitted to myself, and my husband that I want out from under my current employer. It's time. Again.

The saving grace of today was that I had to pick up Twig from school at 3pm. The weather was gorgeous, friends hung out on the playground, and chatted. I felt normal for a few minutes.

I need to find myself with no agenda more often, just hanging out. Being.

The stress has been overwhelming. I have no desire to work out or eat. Or have pleasure, it would seem. The not eating anything all day piece is very, very bad. Historical bad. And I've repeated it too many times in the last two weeks. Coffee and adrenaline. Angry and emotional. Irrational (at least in my own head).

It's okay to be overwhelmed. To slow down. To take care of myself.

Tomorrow is Friday and I will see my Nice Lady, work, and then socialize with women friends in the evening. Wood and Twig will have a double-date boys movie night out (Iron Man 3).

We will help friends move on Saturday. Sunday we will see Cinderella as a family with Grandma and one of Twigs friends. It will be fairly low key.

I will work out this weekend. Clean the toilet. Maybe take a nap. That would be luxurious. Regardless, I will partake in some self-care and some self-love this weekend.

Be Well yourself.

Annoyed

With the car key that fell into the slide-guide thingy between the car seat and center console and then wouldn't come out.

My husband, trying to be silly and lighten the mood.

My lack of libido and interest in going to the gym. My pants that are too tough to button, my shirts that are too small. My appetite that is too great.

My boss for throwing me under the bus, making me the potential bad guy rather than making a choice herself. My staffer for being such a bitch. For no reason other than not getting what she wants. For too much work and not enough hours in the day.

Drivers. Pedestrians. Traffic. Political poop heads putting up pooppy political signs on our lawn. School PTA and Foundation meetings.

The struggle. Actually, the lack of movement away from the struggle and toward lightness.

Feeling under the weather. Like I'm congested and getting sick. I'm annoyed with that, too.

I'm cranky!

I really need some light. I'm trying to find it. But now I will go to sleep.

Thank you for wishing me peace. It is good. Helpful. Hopeful. I appreciate it!

Panic Room

The car is my safe place at the moment.

Even though my ears are ringing, I notice I've been clenching my teeth, and I feel that I should apply for a job I found online yesterday, I can't get past picking up a few of my things to prepare to go inside. All I really want to do is give myself a manicure and paint my nails.

I'm feeling anxious at the moment. Lately, actually. It comes on out of nowhere - in the middle of the night, while I'm driving down the street, as I gather my things to walk in the house. In between those moments, my emotions have been vascillating - one moment I'm full of rage or fear of nothing apparent and at other times I'm overtaken by immense gratitude. Sometimes in the span of a day, sometimes minutes.

Now I just sit here in this little car with my feelings, mostly of dread for what I have to do, trying to make sense of things. It feels good to do nothing.

Directions

I should journal more. Read, sleep, laugh, cuddle and have awesome sex more often too.

Shoulds. Woulds. Coulds. Fighting people making me (okay, I'm allowing it) doubt myself. I'm struggling to find the balance between me and work. Personal vs. professional, sharing vs. oversharing, clear vs. directive, listening vs. doing what someone else wants, playing the game vs. being played. I hate this recalibration period I'm in.

One staffer said "I think you are suffering, like in your personal life or something, and taking it out on us."

This is because in the last 3 months, I've asked my staff to account for the number of hours they work each week - on a monthly basis - to ensure they are getting their hours in, and not working too much, flexing appropriately, etc. They don't want to do it because they've never had to before. Because it's always been the Wild Wild West there. At least that's the messaging and my assumption. I may be slightly off on this time tracking bit and I may adjust, ever so slightly.

But the other stuff feels like a manipulative temper tantrum and is much harder to quantify. I ask to talk but don't listen. I never, ever, do what they want. And, apparently, I'm offensive... by suggesting that people brush up their resume and look at what's out there, to apply and interview... to be able to really know what they have and don't have.

I need to keep my mouth shut - fewer Fucking words! Journal, list, take care of myself and go back to sleep! Ack! There's too much to do and not enough time to do it! I want to learn this lesson! Help!

Pesky Little Buggers

Well, I had hoped that once the staffer was fired for poor conduct, first with her colleagues and later with me, that things in the morale arena would improve a bit. It did... for exactly one minute.

The battle is with myself, really. It manifests in discussions -long Fucking-winded discussions- where I explain, defend, and justify my decisions and actions to the extent that I am able and still don't get the right response; I want them to have an an understanding of the constraints I am faced with, an appreciation for the work that I do behind the scenes, and an acceptance of their respective roles.

Instead, they say that I should move my office around because the placement of my desk isn't comfortable for them. One on one supervision should be offsite because it's intimidating to meet with a desk between them and me.

They don't want me to hire another case manager. Because 5.5 hours a week is too much trouble for them - it's not worth it. But they are overworked, unappreciated, and deserve a raise. I take issue with only the unappreciated piece. And wonder how many drinks, lunches or Starbucks gift cards it will take -and how often- I am required to "prove" I care. In my world, a paycheck and *having a job that pays me* is appreciation IN FULL. I could say "kids these days" but one of the people pulling this Crap is older than me.

HEAD LICE SUCKS! Yep, our turn because I turned down the tea-tree-oil-vigilance, Twig was IN-FUCKING-FESTED. Not what I had in mind for this weekend. Nope, 10 loads of laundry and treating and checking scalps was NOT on the agenda.

Which leads me to the final issue... We are spending way too much time doing too many things we don't want to do. We are carting, managing, visiting, hosting, organizing, supporting, communicating, fundraising...making things good for EVERYONE ELSE.

Lice, staff, kids, in-laws... everything is bugging me.

Blow Outs

What an incredibly tumultuous week its been.

An employee I supervise refused to accept the position I hired them to do and my authority - oh there's a bit more to it than that but all I can say about it is that the person had multiple inappropriate tantrums over the past 3 months and in the end was fired.

I nearly lost it yesterday when two pedestrians waited to cross the street, IN THE STREET, blocking my ability to make a right turn. It sparked a long soliloquy about selfishness and many other pent up feelings I've been having about people and my feelings and such.

We went to the store to get a strap for Twigs new glasses that he won't keep on his face. On, off, on, off. Lost, found, lost, searching, found... As we were ready to leave he said he had to use the bathroom. Acer a minute of arguing about home vs. store toileting he convinces me that it's store. After about 10 minutes I had to send Wood in. He'd had a full blow out. Poor kid.

Later he LOST it when we asked him to do his homework. He didn't want to do it. Double digit addition is very hard, I guess. He started off with refusals. Then shortly after flew off into a rant about how he's an idiot, stupid and everyone wants him dead. WHAT? Anyway, he screamed, stomped, cried and slammed doors. Slamming doors sends Wood into a tantrum. He cornered Twig in the bathroom to talk to him. You can imagine how that went. Wood being in a tantrum, cornering the kid in the bathroom, seeing the kid want to leave sends me into a tantrum. Wood says he "done with you both" moves out of the way, Twig leoaves, slams the door, I scream for the slamming. In the end we had each screamed at everyone, and Twig did his homework with my help and for a piece of chocolate. Ugh.

We've been working hard and haven't had anything like this this in a LONG time. We've been under a lot of stress lately. It'll all calm down. Someday.

Boom and BOOM

What a week.

It's been so stressful that I've reached an old pattern - not hungry despite clear hunger pains. Strange to believe that once upon a time, I used to live like that as a matter of course. Granted, it's 25 years later and 1) I've learned a thing or two and 2) I have gained a pound (or 15). That way of living is too hard on my older body. Plus, I've been getting to the gym to work out at least 2 times a week. The scale is moving downward ever so slightly but no worries. It's been one month and these things take time! My clothes will begin to fit better soon and I could give a shit about the number. The goal is to be strong.

I had to terminate an employee yesterday. Even with all of my supposed "experience" it is a gut wrenching decision and process to go through. I am proud to say that I've had to do it only a handful of times.t

It was the right choice for many, many reasons - I learned so much from the school of hard knocks on this one. My thought since "making it so" has been that hopefully, there hasn't been too much damage done. Only to find this note from TUT aka: The Universe:

Every day, Wonelle, you move mountains, touch lives, and perform miracles.

Every day you're a success, a hero, an example.

And every day you change the world for the better.

Actually, there's not been a single day in your life when you've been anything but magnificent.

Just some stuff to think about next time you doubt yourself.

Damn, TUT, and thank you! I really needed to hear that! Happy Friday! I'm off to the gym and then to clean up my messes.

New Project

This is my new project - a visioning journal.

Be near me.

It is understandably human nature, to see yourself as small. Until you stop seeing yourself as human.

Healthy food. Friends at the table. Just two themes presenting themselves so far.

Things sucked this afternoon at work - for 3 hours, until 8pm!. My nice lady would say that since it's hysterical it's historical. I know she has other stuff to say about it, too. I can't remember what it is so I feel stuck, like I'm doing the wrong thing. As opposed to "doing it right". Mired in history that isn't working for me now. I feel stuck. Kinda fearful. Optimistic at the same time.

More to come.

Exercise, Focus and Attention

Workouts... Trying so hard to get into a new routine. Many days over the past couple of weeks have been okay. I've packed my bag, set out my clothes, arranged food and headed out the door at stupid early. Monday and Tuesday have been easier days to go. By Friday, today, I'm beat from the week. Being sick for almost two weeks and having intermittent middle of the night insomnia (a couple of hours here & there of being awake) make it hard to get up. As does not really knowing what the heck I'm going to do once I get there. I will keep plugging along and it will get easier. I am committed to strength and being able to button my pants.

Therapy classes have begun for Twig. Every Thursday for the next 12 weeks. It's really more of a parenting class, teaching kids to be more self-controlled and focused, and giving parents the tools to help their children be successful.

This week I've been on an all day field trip, attended the "friendship" group at school and sat in on the Therapy group. Twig, while definitely a busy kid, is probably not the most affected ADHD around. It makes me feel a bit better seeing and knowing this but also angers me that he is in trouble for his unique learning style. We have formally requested that the school assess him and develop a formal plan to address his needs. We'll see what they have to say. I am looking for another option, too.

I can't quit my job but I sure would like to give more attention to my boy and his needs as opposed to work. I'm trying to figure out how to do it.

*Pitter*Patter*

I love bad boys.

I especially love bad boys that cuss AND cook.

My new favorite site: Thug Kitchen.

Finally!

The auction is over!

I'm exhausted. There's tear down tomorrow. Our laundry hasn't been started. It's Sunday tomorrow.

I think we may have beat a few records and earned more than in years past. Wood and I sure spent a lot.

Note to self: that was successful and good. Better than I imagined it would be. However, no more spending. No more volunteerism. Period.

It's Wonelle time now. End of discussion.

G'Nite.

This Is Truly Collaborative

The school meeting yesterday was much better than last week's shin-dig. No one made any stupid remarks about my kid warranting my transformation into a momma grizzly bear. That in and of itself was a success!

Everyone except Teacher 2 had great suggestions on how to get Twig to a different place than he is now - even Teacher 1 (meaning his first grade teacher). And everyone, save Teacher 2, is open to working together and doing whatever can be done to help turn this around.

Which is what makes the title of this post so hilariously frustrating - it was all that Teacher 2 had so say via email about our last two meetings. Everyone else talked about focus on strategy, Twigs great qualities, hope, etc. She is so very rigid in her thinking and ways that she can't see past the problem to get to a solution. You can see in her face when she is unwilling to even consider a new strategy. She's acting like a 2nd grader herself; she's unwilling to change.

I got in a good dig about "communication" although I didn't do it in that dig kind of way - the information the school collected about Twig's actions during school, and which they presented to us yesterday, is clear and concise: he's an AD/HD kid out of control in school, causing a ruckus everywhere he goes. His teacher can't handle it and it's not going away without some serious help.

Damn if they didn't tell us how terribly out of control and untenable it was until MARCH. We asked the child psychologist about the AD/HD classes in the fall - the only reason we didn't do them in September was because the TEACHER (&*%@?$) DIDN'T COMMUNICATE THE PROBLEMS!

Here we are - thank goodness they offer the 10 weeks of classes in the spring. We are already signed up and guess which teacher JUMPED at the chance to attend the workshops? Not his 2nd grade -current teacher- but Ms. 1st grade. Which is great but ugh.

Yes, we are collaborating on whether this school is the right fit moving forward.

Old or Overdone?

We attended an auction last week. No, sadly, the school auction is this week. Anyway, I saw a photo of myself and boy do I look old.

Boy, do I feel old. Tired to the bone. Achy. Dry skin. Cranky. Always thinking of how "easier it used to be".

Juggling so much is all it is. There's little, if any, processing time. Sleep is almost as much work as work sometimes (growing pains are painful for everyone). I'm overwhelmed by the school auction that I've done little work on, work, the teacher's bullshit, and such. I want to snatch that boy out of school and run away. Instead I'll send him to his Bam and Aunties for almost three weeks after school ends. Actually, two days before school ends. I'm done with 2nd grade.

The gym is paid for but I haven't found the time to set up to go. Thinking about it doesn't count even though I have lost a few pounds from changing my diet. I'm so exhausted where do I get the energy? No matter, I just need to get into the habit of going.

Space will emerge after this weekend. The auction will be over. Spring break is upon us, too so we will get a break from classroom drama. Summer plans are taking shape. Work will be easier with that space but I *can* handle it now.

I'm getting older but not old. I am overwhelmed but not overdone. I am a grownup.

Those Gorgeous Eyes

Twig has been an avid reader since he was a baby. We started with "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", "When Hippos Go Berserk" and other fantastic board book titles when he was just 4 or 5 months old and haven't stopped.

He's always relished the evening time when we lay down together and enter another place and time. It's a chance to connect on a different level than when preparing for or completing the day. There's argument only because he wants us to continue on.

He started reading early. Before kindergarten, maybe at 4 years old actually and enjoyed reading those board books for a minute or two. Nothing, it would seem, compared to Mom or Dad reading aloud. To the tune of Wood read the entire Harry Potter series to him in 9 months about a year ago. It was an impressive pace, that's for sure.

During first grade, and this year for sure, the independent reading activities he's required to do as homework has been quite a battle. He refuses to do the 20 minutes without serious consequences. It is impacted by the fact that he hates his teacher and she certainly doesn't like him (but that's another post I don't have time for right now) but it has been a bit of a head scratcher for us.

Technology is one of those things that he's always up for so I got the brilliant idea to offer up my kindle a few weeks ago. He was excited to read and did so for a couple of minutes when suddenly he began to complain that it was hard to read the words. I thought it a bit strange but changed the font size for him and do you know what happened? That child read Harry Potter for more than an hour without complaint - two days in a row!

I mentioned to Twig that he could need glasses, given our experiment and his newfound love of reading (was it the kindle or his eyes, I wondered aloud). His teacher reportedly told him that the thought of him needing glasses was "just an excuse". Needless to say I took him to the optometrist as soon as possible. It was unfortunate that it couldn't happen before our parent teacher conference that was moved up a week because of his problems with the teacher, but I digress.

The boy is nearsighted; while his prescription is slight, and the doctor said optional, glasses will help him to see things close up. He chose blue frames to match mine. Aww, that's so sweet!

I'm excited for the world that will be opened up for him by less struggle and strain to do close up work. And even more excited to toss the "excuse" in the teachers face come the Parent Teacher Conference this Thursday.

Wild & Woolly

Here's what we've been up to: one "bad" behavior report from school, one parent teacher/counselor/school engagement counselor conference, one eye doctor appointment, diagnosis of far sightedness and selection-of-glasses process, and a cold mixed in between one missed personal training appointment, one Individual Education Plan development training, one school foundation presentation to the Sons of Norway, preparation for the school auction and attendance at the Children's Theater auction. Yes, this is stuff happening before and after work. It's been an intense week!

My belly is bugging me something fierce these past several weeks. Some digging found that this gall bladder issue, if that's what it is, started 7 years ago. When I had an ultrasound, it found a spot on my kidney that was supposed to be checked regularly but wasn't because I wasn't told that anything needed to be done. Ugh. I saw a Naturopathic Dr. a couple of weeks ago, made some dietary changes per her recommendations and she ordered CT reports from my appendix  emergency room visit. The hope is that they got a good image of my gall bladder and kidney, that further imaging is not needed. The good news is that the type of spot on my kidney is a 9mm fat cyst only problematic if it gets really big. It's probably nothing to worry about.

The other good news is that I have been feeling better as a result of the dietary modifications; no wheat, dairy, coffee, eggs, pork or onions. It's healthier and whenever I've made a mistake, the culprit is obvious. And the scale has gone down by 10 in about a week and a half. That works for me.

Well, the family is beckoning me to eat breakfast. I should oblige. Good times are key to our happiness.

Who's That Girl?

She's married to Wood and her son is Twig. She and her husband are a team that communicates, works together, plans for the future and has a pretty good life. Sure, there are tough grown up circumstances that challenge them but they can handle it.

Twig gets most of what he needs. They wonder if it's too much but plug along as parents do, trying to shape a good hearted, thinking person; they do what they can to attend to his social and deep emotional needs. Which happen to be intense lately.

The boy says he has magic powers - if he thinks something it happens. When it doesn't, it's just because he didn't do a good job at predicting the future. Wonelle tells him she's got magic, too. Everybody does, they just don't listen to it. She tells him about energy. He tells her that his magic can only happen once, that's why it isn't consistent. She reminds him that Harry Potter and all of his friends repeat the same magic over and over. It can be done with some practice (maybe not willing things to happen with your mind but hell, who am I to say?).

She attends to his needs, her husband's needs, work, household chores both mundane and out of the ordinary. She has energy, stamina, drive. Strength, purpose, fortitude. Perhaps it's Mercury on her side. Or just a spot of magic that's been hiding out of view for a spell.

No matter, she feels like herself today (or is it the last few days) - or at least some version of capable and comfortable in her own skin. It feels good. She knows she's on the right path. She is the same-old Wonelle (just weari.g bi-focals), that's who.

MishMashMoshUp Dream

I woke up from this awesome dream a few minutes ago. In it, wood and I moved to a new garden apartment, with Mistress Maggie and Twig (who in the dream was my niece Butthead). We had lots of neighbors with pets - cats, dogs, and wildly decorated cockatoos. The birds decor was often a source of income, if it was.good enough, they'd get upwards of $150.

There was no stress in my dream. Even for potentially stressful things like when I couldn't find the litter box and the kid left without saying where w/he was going. Not an ounce of worry even despite the fact that we had just moved.

Wood was at work.

There were people everywhere even though we were in a very private place. Friendly, happy, helpful friends that it seemed I'd known all of my life. Maybe this is astral travel again? One friend gave me directions around town along with pointers, I jogged with at least one or two others. The running was great!

We lived by the beach.

That is all I can muster at the moment. But it was beautiful to be among friends. To feel safe and comfortable, especially in a new place..

Snoopy

Woods all time favorite cartoon character. The role Twig plays in his upcoming theater performance. What I have allowed myself to become.

The question I keep repeating is whether this "need" I have is something to be investigated further, a wild goose chase, a means to sabotage my relationship, or mental illness?

I have not been able to fall back to sleep since putting Twig down. My stomach hurts a bit, funky throat feelings this evening, stress about work and my mind won't turn off about Sarah. Not her, per se but the concept of infidelity. Even despite what I know about my husband - that he is uber loyal and faithful, even when it does not serve him to do so.

I let the bad voices take over - went and poked around email. Turns out there's nothing and yet I can't seem to turn it off.

Really, Wood doesn't deserve my sneaking around to look at his stuff. Neither do I. It's unfair.

Dear Snoopy,
Q U I T.
There's nothing to see here. It's okay, you're not lying to yourself. Besides, if you are, it will be made clear to you. Deal with it then.
L

Fertile To Boot

I can't totally shake the fear and loathing of Sarah. Wood's old and new phone email, text, and photos were clear of any damning evidence, save the steamy porn featuring oral sex (which I have issues with providing) on the old cell phone, with regard to Sarah or the other work colleague I freaked out about. I came clean - told him of my teenage antics looking at his stuff and how insanely out of control I feel about the whole thing.

Have I mentioned lately that I also feel like he's the best guy in the whole wide world and how lucky I am to have him as my husband? He could have freaked out, stomped, yelled, screamed, or reacted otherwise poorly to my accusation-line-of-questioning-insecurity. But he didn't.

He was noticeably upset by the audacity of it all because, after all, he's a one woman man. But he listened. Intently. Caringly. With grace, humility, and respect.

All the qualities that led me to marry him were there through those conversations. They've been lying dormant with respect to me  for a while. It was nice to see and experience them first hand. It has definitely been good in myriad ways.

We've were going at it intensely since the confrontation last week - as in something insane like 5 out of 7 days of super hot, hot, hot wonderful! Granted we were unencumbered while in Vegas but it continued when we returned home - late nights and early school-mornings. We haven't been that amorous since we F I R S T started dating.

I wonder if I'm insecure AND fertile. Okay, add bat-shit-crazy to the list of what I am because despite all of the good, the talking, steamy sex and such, I'm not completely confident that its "over". He's a tight lipped guy. Maybe he's just really good at keeping a secret, an excellent liar, and I'm just seeing what I want to see?

Thanks for listening.

Embarrassed

We walked through the festival and found our seat among the people in attendance. Wood had his beer. At the table, we talked as did the others. Our conversation was about That Witch - I accused her of being a Witch and of taunting Wood and me in bad ways. The tone was fine for a bit and suddenly changed - I got angry. I yelled and swiped my hand across the air, catching his plastic beer cup. It bent. Wood was surprised. The others at the table stared at me. I apologized buy wanted to shrink away and not be seen.

Except for the physical and verbal outbursts, I think this dream is a recap of what happened between Wood and I with regard to his colleague and my insecurity. Throughput the night, it kept repeating itself - in my lucid mind - as if to not forget this. To show me how outrageously immature I had been and how I had embarrassed myself and my husband. As if to say "it's not over", at least for you, Wonelle. And probably for him, too. See what his friend from work gave him upon his return to the office? Perhaps his colleague that sat a few rows in front of us heard our conversation and told his work friend? I

It seems like it should be over. I'm just wondering if its really over. Clearly, there's some embarrassement to work through.

Fractured Sleep

Since our trip, my sleep has been light. I'm on alert as it were, extra sensitive to Wood - his breathing is waking me from very dreamy places full of intrigue and work. Figurative and literal intrigue and work.

Last night we had pizza with lots of arugula piled on top for dinner. I had chips & salsa before dinner. Lots of wine. Except for the chips & salsa, the same on Friday night. My stomach was heavy, kind of queasy early on both Friday and last night. I wonder if it's the food I've ingested. Maybe its that combined with feeling like my entire constitution is off-kilter. Coming off the flu a tiny bit still and vestiges of Vegas all over the place - dry (sandpaper like) skin, athletes foot, a need for vegetables and a few good poops.

Besides that, there is a lot on my mind:

1. The work I'm doing with my Nice Lady. She recommended a book - How to be an adult in relationships (Ricoh). The focus, apparently as I haven't started reading yet, is about being present.

2. Twig has been very weepy and whiny the last couple of days. He needs more than usual amounts of encouragement and processing time from me. School has been exceptionally hard for him over the past few weeks as he's on a "behavior plan" in the classroom and we've set very tough consequences for failure to perform - as in loss of all extra curricular activities. I'm not totally keen on the teacher right now as she's made some hefty suggestions about his behavior meaning he can't stay at the school. His academics are fine. Except that she's marking those down because of behavior. She hasn't talked to us about these things until it reached critical mass. I won't have it. I love him to pieces.

3. I'm very, very behind at work and going in for 3 hours on Saturday didn't really help much with catching up. My boss continues with her antics of inappropriate boundaries, comments and such. I attended a meeting on my last day of vacation where she felt as though I hurled a personal affront toward her when I said that I thought we should have our management team retreat on more neutral territory (she had said we'd do it at her house). My newest and longest employed staff are not getting along after 3 weeks on the job. Yelling. I'm having to spend time facilitating therapy sessions, setting clear boundaries for behavior in the workplace and threatening swift and severe consequences for failure to be civil.

4. Wood and I have talked at length about "Sarah" and I think weP both have realized that she's a symbol or symptom of something bigger - mostly the fact that we have forgotten to be in a relationship with each other because we have focused so much on everyone else's needs. Talking openly has led to other openness, feeling much more connected and present with each other. Since I have only one true reader, I can also say that the talking and presence has very, VERY positively affected my libido. It hasn't been this steamy since we were a brand new couple.

5. Oh, the school auction. I often wish I hadn't signed up to help. My lofty goals of raising money have been usurped by the reality of working full-time, raising a busy, bounce kid and balancing those things against my own mental/physical/emotional health. It's okay - people on the committees get it. That gives me the space to be gentle on myself.

Happy Sunday. I'm off to the craft store, a birthday party, and a children's theater show today. Laundry and cleaning in between. I need to get on it now! The day's a wasting.

Dear Sarah

It was a pleasure to meet you this weekend at the conference. Wood has said great things about you and your work - that you are smart and energetic, someone that he is glad to be able to learn from in his professional life.

Perhaps we got off to a bad, if not odd, start. It certaily was strange to me, to be introduced to you and for your response to be that you were uncomfortable about our meeting. And why I pointedly asked "Really, why?" The statement got my hackles up and my gut queasy but I told myself it wasn't anything to think too much about.

However, that was not the only odd interaction between you, my husband and I over the weekend. If it were, I probably wouldn't be writing this letter. Try as I may, though, something about the way you interacted with my husband and me wasn't right. It was weird. It was all wrong.

It was like there was something very personal happening for you with regard to Wood - the way you avoided eye contact and any conversation with me, essentially being near my husband and leaving whenever I arrived said you were too comfortable with him and uncomfortable with us (him & me together, and just me) all at the same time.

Our final interaction at the luncheon - where you didn't say anything to me (granted I didn't use my assertiveness skills to say hello to you or anyone else at the table) and where I picked up an ever-so-slight glance Wood gave you upon my arrival to the table...combined with you not responding to my attempt to engage you in conversation during lunch...and a look you gave me...perhaps it was the slight cock of your head when after lunch we talked so briefly about how this was the celebration of our anniversary; this weekend because the actual weekend is full of family obligations (you mentioned sans child, so you know we are a family) - this combination of interactions sent up red flags and bells-a-ringing. I wanted to talk to you, to get to know you because of the good things Wood has said as well as the clear discomfort between us. It would have been good to have had some time to talk and get to know each other. There was time. You were disinterested.

Our meeting(s) has stirred up some latent and supremely powerful feelings - suspicion, contempt, jealousy, and fear - that my husband of nearly 10 years hasn't been faithful to me.

This letter is in part to tell you that these strange interactions have been a blessing in disguise. They pushed us to open our lines of communication, talk about the things that make our marriage worthwhile - the good, bad and indifferent - and that keep us together. It has reminded us of our need and DESIRE to BE TOGETHER. That is sometimes difficult to remember - the years definitely make us stronger but it takes a lot of work, too.

Sarah, you lifted a mirror up to me so that I could see my stuff. It's hefty. It's complicated and threatening. As scared as I was to ask and possibly get an answer I didn't want (or worse, get the answer I did want but didn't believe), I asked my husband whether anything inappropriate has ever happened between you and him "Did you ever touch her, dance with her, kiss her or otherwise do anything with her that I wouldn't want to see?" No. "Did she ever do anything to you that wouldn't be considered okay?" No. His email, text and phone history confirm that he hasn't had contact with you outside of conferences. I otherwise have no reason to distrust him. Besides, he really is the most loyal person I've ever known. To his detriment at times (that's another topic best left for another day). His commitment to me is clear - however, despite all of that I know that people are fallible, relationships are fragile, affairs happen and when they do it's rarely planned. I also know that people don't automatically tell the truth in these kinds of situations. I believe him when he says he has never been unfaithful to me but I'm also a realist.

This letter is also to tell you that I saw you, Sarah. Wood didn't, and probably doesn't see you in the same way. He's too proper and professional to say so, even if he did. I'm more like Rupaul who said "I always try to come from a place of love but sometimes you just have to break it down for a motherfucker."

Here's the breakdown: Make no mistake; I saw you and you have no claim to Wood. Intermittent professional contact is the extent of it. I saw you. Get my husband out of your head. Wood is off limits, always has been, always will be. I saw you and want you to know, if it isn't already abundantly clear, I will protect my marriage and family at all costs.

In time you will find someone. He'll be amazing because you clearly have good taste in men. If it can happen for me, it surely can happen for you.

Thanks for this, Sarah. It has been nearly cathartic. I do look forward to the opportunity to meet you again.

Sincerely,

L

Sarah

There's a young woman, in her early 20's, that Wood has become friends with through his attendance at work conferences over the past couple of years. I got to meet Sarah this week. I have a bad feeling in my gut about her, and Wood.

She came up to us on the first night of the conference and said hello to Wood, a couple of other people and me. In doing so, she rolled up on him and grabbed his arm as if he was her date, smiling happily in the way Women Who Like Men do. I was immediately introduced and she was instantly uncomfortable, saying something to the effect of "Oh, wow, I feel uncomfortable now." Not "It's nice to meet you". My response was rather direct with "Oh, really, why?" As if to say quite clearly "What the fuck do you have to be uncomfortable for?" She chatted for a few minutes and walked away.

Throughout the conference, which I participated in a fair amount, she was nearby Wood - until I was there. When she was hanging out with him and I was there, she essentially refused to interact with me. At the final luncheon, I was late, and when I arrived, there they were, sitting next to each other. She didn't look at me, didn't say hello and left the table as soon as she could.

I'm fuming angry because dancing and other traveling events where Wood wasn't available are talking to me. Granted, I'm feeling bad about myself. I've been cheated on. And I'm coming up on my 10 year wedding anniversary, thinking that my husband has fooled around with a conference buddy.

What's wrong with me?

Ten

Sans kid, we are celebrating 10 years of marriage in the opposite setting that we celebrated our union... our honeymoon was spent in a low end, $40/night room in the southern part of Costa Rica. Maybe it says something about where we are in our lives now...10 years later we're in glitzy, glamorous, opulent Las Vegas, baby!

Wood has a conference this week and I'm tagging along because I've never been to Las Vegas before. Since I'm working on the auction and that event is the weekend of our actual anniversary, we're celebrating early.

We rented a car today and took a ride out to Hoover Dam, walked and drove the strip, took a bath in the jacuzzi tub, and finished off with a lovely dinner at Bouchon (Cork in French). We ate so much that we didn't have room for dessert.

Hoover Dam was simply amazing and makes me think that it is a glaring example of what makes the United States a great place. It was built in a time when we took great risks and did amazing things.

Las Vegas, the strip in particular, is a glaring example of what is wrong with our country, culture, world. What is it that has us (the proverbial us, Wood and I aren't drinking that Cool Aid) believing that "this" is living?

Speaking of living, we want the next 10 to be full of laughter, family and friends. Work hard work, play harder.

The next few days Wood will be working and I'll be mostly on my own. There are few things on my list - exercise and reading. Whatever else happens, happens. I'm glad to be celebrating 10 years. Sometimes I feel like a fraud of a wife.

Flu

Twig has been sick since Tuesday. He woke up, told us about his White Sash promotion the night before and promptly told me he thought he had a fever. Fifteen minutes later it was 100 degrees and climbing. It stayed with him off-and-on until Wednesday night and finally turned into sniffling. He's still down.

Wood was sick last week, following Twig being out for three days. Same deal - headache, fever, no appetite. Somehow I didn't get it.

Until today.

Well, starting yesterday my throat was a bit odd and in the evening my asthma flared pretty fiercely. It was tough to fall asleep because of the albuterol treatment and once I woke this morning, I couldn't move. By 10am I had a fever of close to 101 and was crying about it in the doctors office. Fever makes me completely incapacitated.

I've got my codeine cough syrup and my tamiflu and my layers of clothes to keep me warm. Twig has Netflix to keep him occupied. Please let Wood be free from this! We have Las Vegas nest week.

Family

Crooked Nose Tom was hurt. My inability to be available to him at one moment in time was such a personal affront that he never spoke to me again. It is a pain that I still carry - he didn't come to my wedding, he never met his grandson, he died much too young. On the other hand, he left me his baby sister, Shirl, and she visited us last weekend.

It was such a lovely visit, too! She came in on Friday and we had a couple of hours to chat. We spent much of the weekend eating and chatting about her daughter and grandkids, how such similarities exist between the kids.

There is a feeling of belonging when she is near. It makes me glad that we are family. I love that she is willing to be here, spending time doing monotonous daily activities, and that she enjoys it. She is easy to be with and I love her to pieces.

Shhh

Yes, I've been quiet. But In the best kind of way!

I really like my Nice Lady. Except that her fees are out of pocket and it has caused a discussion about money, that is.

I met my friends from Cali in Ashland last weekend. And visited my Uncle and Aunt who live there, too. It was luxurious, calming, quiet and oh-so-good for my soul.

Work is work...but there are tough issues being discussed, decisions being made, and opportunities for personal and professional growth and development being provided. It's still a love hate thing but it pays the bills. It's stressful but palatable and that's enough right now. I've also applied for jobs periodically. Not feeling 100% trapped helps.

The auction is 7 weeks away. I can't wait till it's over. My friend seems to be okay with what I've been able to contribute - as little as it is. I'm also doing my best to forgive myself for not having done more, given more. For being human! No, I won't do this again.

Wood and I are not struggling as much as we were. As much as I was. He is processing tough stuff, too. We are on a similar path. I have admitted to myself and to him my mistakes - that I have not allowed him to be my partner as much as I should have. That I have become Bam and without even realizing it, set him up to play out the same play from my childhood. We can make this whatever we want it to be. We will make it good!

Twig is struggling in school -socially and academically- and we have agreed that he needs fewer extra curricular "fun", more academics, and that the current school set up isn't working. We will very take him out of choir and that will lessen many burdens. He's currently got martial arts 5 days each week, acting every Saturday, and choir on Thursday. The spring performance schedule is off the hook. We will think about and explore school problems and solutions more.

My aunt from my dad's side is coming to visit this weekend and I'm so excited! Last she was here was 2 years ago - when here was there. It will be fun.

It's now time for sleep! So that I can prepare for the continued busy-ness.

Pushing Boundaries

In typical fashion, my boss reneged on the plan we made last night. While I wholeheartedly agree with the reasoning, the underlying issue still remains: the process is not authentic, she cannot be trusted, she's wishy-washy.

Skepticism is a Virtue.

I asked if I was being disrespectful or rude in my communications. If my messages weren't okay. That expressing any of it was in no way shop or form comfortable. I continue to be present in my Truth, communicating the error of her ways, explaining that "feeling heard" isn't enough. There needs to be action, too. She doesn't get it.

Since I've been pushing all manner of comfort zones, I attended a women's business networking group tonight. Met several people, talked business, pushed the school auction. I've not been doing as much for that as I should. But whatever. At one point in the evening, I swear I had a hot flash. It was probably being overwhelmed with all of the stretching I'd done today. Hell this month.

It's way past my bed time. And clearly I need my energy for tomorrow.

Ah-mayz-ing!

Strangely, my office move didn't go to the Management Team Meeting to die. Even more strangely, there was open, honest talk at today's meeting. Off the charts amazing was the plan that we developed for dealing with the shit culture of the agency in a proactive, thoughtful, change oriented way. That I get to facilitate.

Of course, my inner critic still isn't quite sure that this is really happening or that what I've said won't bite me in the ass come tomorrow. I always have the feeling I'm going to be fired at any moment. Guilt for working below my capacity, I suppose.

In my truth I was respectful and very honest at the same time. Fuck anyone that says otherwise. I'm still afraid of being fired. And, while I'm committed to what I'm doing now - even working on goals moving forward, I'm still looking for another job.

I don't trust that my boss gets "it" or understands. She obviously understands something or she wouldn't be where she is. At the same time she's so malleable that she's a bit like silly putty. We end up being told that if we want something badly enough we should take it on and make it happen.

Yippeekayayymuthafucka.

Sunday, Sunday

PMS must be settling in. I can't get passed the feeling of dread for Monday. Got out of pajamas at 2 this afternoon. I waited so to avoid getting undressed in the cold, and because I can't seem to shake the 'I hate my body' blues.

Clearing off my dresser was freeing - it took all if 5 minutes to put everything away. Hanging out with Twig and doing MadScience with him was fun. He was at his best when we were working together on mixing, measuring, and pouring potions. He listened. I taught. Wood rocked out with headphones and worked, yelling if Twig came anywhere near him.

I thought it would be fun to go to a kids karaoke event. Wood is anti. Says its money related. It doesn't matter, I guess, that it could have been fun for Twig. Wood was anti playdate at our house yesterday, too. So, this afternoon, we'll take Wood's bike in, visit Wood's mom, and do what Wood wants.

At least that's how it feels. He newest iteration is that he's going to head to the park for a bit and I'm going to get some retail therapy. Somehow money for fat clothes is okay. Family entertaining less so.

Cough

I had this crazy idea recently about eggs. We go through so many of them, about a dozen each week, and I save the cartons (along with toilet paper rolls, corks, etc.) for the school art teacher. The empties are currently stacked about 8 high on top of my fridge. When I saw this pile of empties the other day it occurred to me that saving the carton alone was kinda wasteful - I should be saving the shells, too! You know, blow the egg out of a hole so the egg can be decorated.

I had this vision of taking egg shells, fully intact to school, in their cartons, for the kids to make fragile ornaments, Faberge style creations, or the like. I felt so proud. The art teacher, surprised and impressed.

So, we had breakfast for dinner last night. Chorizo and eggs.

I began with a pin sized hole on both ends of the egg as the onions sauteed in olive oil. Blowed gently. Blowed harder. Blowed to no avail. The egg shells were so flimsy they broke.

After two eggs, I quit. The onions were quite translucent, it was closing in on 7pm (which is way too late for dinner in the first place), and the egg whites, a bit on my hands, a bit in my mouth, was kinda grossing me out a bit.

As I finished the egg blowing, a cough came on...

It was the kind of cough that is unexpected, from something that is unexpectedly there. Lodged in a space you can't quite remember ever having noticed before. And it suddenly was there, making me gag (could this be a teeny tiny egg shell?) - quite intensely, too.

Hack-gag-cough!

Whoa, what was that? My leg is soaking wet! And a chunk of something that is absolutely NOT an egg shell simultaneously came out of my throat.

Eww...Um...Eww...Oh, my...

Yes, I pissed myself.