Step Back

The knee jerk reaction that both of the boys I love more than anything have when things aren't going their way is tiring. I feel their feelings as they spew all over the place - all over everyone's space.

Remembering that it's not my feeling to feel is challenging. Finding ways to allow them to have their feelings in ways that don't impact others around them is even more difficult.

Wood is upset that I'm leaving, and acting as if he's 7. I haven't said out loud that he was gone for over a week (several times in the last year) and that he'll be able to manage. Even if he doesn't want to. Even if it is Father's Day. It's never a good time to take care of business that needs taking care of.

Today he keeps pointing at the stack of dry cleaning in the living room, shrugging his shoulders, and giving me a look that says "Why haven't you taken the dry cleaning in yet?" My guess is that it's been sitting there for about a month. Inside my head I say "You know where the dry cleaner is, too. If it's bothering you so much, take care of it yourself. Just because I typically take care of it doesn't mean it's  my job and no one else can do it."

"Are you going to Facebook or are you going to work?" he says. "I'm not going to answer you." I say and think "it's none of your fucking business what I'm going to do with my hour alone. If I want to Facebook during my time, then I'll Facebook. I'll drive in whatever lane I want to, whatever route I see fit, and manage my own damned time. Sometimes I'll be way ahead of the game of doing the dishes and sometimes I'll fail miserably at getting the laundry done or cleaning the toilet. I don't ask you what you're doing when you're plugged in to the computer and I'm busy cooking dinner, when you'll have an hour alone, and I don't tell you what route to take when we're driving in the car. I would like it if you would accept the fact that other drivers are never going to follow the rules of the road and if you didn't scream at them and their stupid antics. I'd prefer you put things away when they're out instead of not seeing them because you didn't "do it", that you'd cook dinner because you were being thoughtful of the fact that I always do it, and that you'd be aware of and accepting of your feelings - whether they be good, bad or neutral. Sometimes I wish you were a bit more independent of me and sometimes I think that I take on a lot more than you do when it comes to our family. No, I don't want to have sex and I don't want to be in charge all the time."

I just think it - not necessarily all at the same time and not necessarily at the same time. Unless I'm taking a step back to get it out here. Then maybe I'll be able to talk constructively.