Shoulda Better Known Better

When I get angry because things don't turn out the way I want them to, I sometimes wonder why. For somebody that's so in tune with her truth and the Truth, you'd think I'd keep my expectations really Fucking low so that when things are what they are - well - they are what they are - nothing more, nothing less.

I stayed up too late last night watching gory at-home sebaceous cyst removals on you-tube, trying to convert an mp3 to old fashioned cd format for the boy to practice his talent show song, and letting the caffeine wear off (my sweet staff person brought me coffee at 2 in the afternoon and not drinking it would have been extremely rude, ya know?). Subsequent sleep was choppy and not so good.

After 13 hours of sleep, Grandma didn't want to get out of bed. While that's not atypical, today it wasn't an option. I had a 10am haircut, Twig has an 11am baseball game, I need to pick up a few things at a few stores before we go home and her caregiver arrives at 4:30 to babysit her so I can take Twig to his cast party. I forced the issue and she reluctantly got up.

I gave her a higher dose of pain pills to ensure she could keep up this morning. She glared at me through the haircut. She left the car and sat on the bleachers for all of 5 minutes before wanting to sit in the car. She "couldn't sit still" on the bleachers. I walked her to the car, luckily was able to move the car to a place that I can keep an eye on her while I watch Twig's game. And blog.

An hour into her sitting in the car, I went to her and said come and watch the game for a few minutes. "No" is all she would say. Then "I'm okay". I'm angry that this is today and appears to be the new weekend routine. "It's okay for you Grandma, but not for anyone else." I responded and then closed the car door harder than I should have.

I knew it would be this way and still, I'm MAD! I'm over this inability to do anything that she doesn't want to do at the expense of everyone else. And I'm not 100% sure that my frustration is entirely fair. She was hurt a few weeks ago - but I don't think thats what's going on. She doesn't want to be uncomfortable AT ALL. That's understandable for sure, but I don't think that's what is going on. I think it's that Fucking Bastard Alzheimer and his disease.

For this moment I will focus on what I know to be true - she can't keep up with us. I need to be patient with her and with me and try to set us up to be successful. Who cares if she sits in the Fucking car? Oh, Adult Protective Services. Whatever.