Anticipating

In my opinion, the hardest part of having Grandma live with us is the requirement that we constantly anticipate her needs. It's kind of like having an infant or pre-schooler around. Communication of needs in a way that the adult in charge can understand is spotty - at best. The level of energy that it requires is fairly significant.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a grown up more than anything in the whole world. Grown ups get to  eat what they want, play with their friends whenever they want, sleep when they want, choose to clean their rooms if and when they want, do what they want when they want to. They have choice and free will completely and totally unlike the choice and free will that children possess.

My MIL, in my view of her, is the opposite of that grown up. She has never been able to express her wants or needs because she always defers to someone else. In all ways.

Ask if she's hungry and she'll respond "not starving" or "I could eat".
Where would you like to eat? "I'm flexible" or "What would you like?"
During weekly "Problems, Plans, Proposals" discussions at dinner, she never, ever has a preference, a proposal, a contribution.

She can't be direct about her dislikes or disappointments, either. She gets a crinkle in her forehead, a piercing "pissy" look about her, deep sighs or answers "oh, I don't know", or just walks away from the conversation (literally and figuratively). Granted, nowadays it's the dementia not talking. What was it 5, 10, 12 years ago?

It really started when Twig was a baby and I was super over protective and angry at the change in my world. She stopped talking around me. Literally would not say anything if I was in the room - sometimes she wouldn't even talk to Wood on the phone if I was around.

At one point a few years ago she confronted me about how difficult I am for her. The usual stuff - that I'm too opinionated, aggressive, demanding. We tried to talk about it but she couldn't - she had to have a friend of hers, who happens to be a counselor, talk to me on her behalf. She said I should understand Grandma's inability to be assertive was because she was raised by an opinionated, aggressive, demanding alcoholic father; that I just didn't understand. Out of respect for my MIL and her friend, I tried to listen quietly, to hear what was being said. But after a while, I knew it was a losing battle - this wasn't really about me. I didn't even try to explain that I, too, was raised by an alcoholic step-father who was physically abusive to my mom, me and my sisters and that I completely disagree with the assertion that his treatment of me dictates my involvement with other people now. Sure, it can impact my feelings - the feelings that are automatic - but because I am a grown up now... I. HAVE. CHOICE.

I have trained myself over the last 30 something years since my Step Father left to not anticipate how other people will respond to me, my assertive, opinionated statements and actions, or mere existence and not to care when they do respond. So, being confronted with having to be on, to get no communication from her when I've been able to train my child and husband to "use your words"  - even if it is to ensure that she has food, water, medicine, toilet paper, toothpaste, clean underwear, clean clothes, etc. - is a lot.