Day 2: Apathy

The babysitter arrived at about 4pm, as expected, but I wasn't ready to go anywhere. I was just climbing in the shower.

Once I made it out the door I had a tough time driving away. There were plenty of things I needed to do, had planned to do even, and I wanted to do none of them.

Finally I left and the noise of the road at 60 mph almost lulled me to sleep. Unlike now - it's 10:15 and I should have been in bed an hour or two ago - I'm tired but fighting it.

Returning the broken dehumidifier at Target was easy - a clear plan - go to Target, return broken item, leave. Check out dehumidifiers at Home Depot.

Purchasing a new dehumidifier at Home Depot didn't happen. It was too overwhelming. I second guessed myself... price... size... features... Too many choices, too many decisions to be made. Wanting to cry, not sure why, not sure how to do it. There was no clear reason to do so.

I accidentally got the door alarms I'd been meaning to buy (and installed one of them tonight). However, it took too long to choose what to get. I felt like I was out of my element in every way and I wasn't sure what needed to happen to get back to myself.

Back in the car I sat and thought about what to do next - there was still about 3 hours of my "free" time (that cost me $50) left. Dinner? Groceries? Booze?

I didn't get a text response from a friend that had told me of a sushi place to try so after thinking about my desires: someplace I'd never been (and likely would never go with the family), I decided on a restaurant that I've driven past on several occasions. A strange place called Mojo Sushi. It's inside a bar and it's not too far from the grocery store.

Mojo's was closed so I searched Google Maps for another place close by. Drove the half mile there in the quiet, which was nice but wasn't nice... searched for the place listed on my phone. I never found it and all the other places in the neighborhood were too much. Too cool, hip, happening. Not. My. Speed. Especially tonight.

I finally remembered that there was a Japanese place I'd wanted to try that is a bit closer to the grocery store so I headed there. It fit the bill but, the food was mediocre, the service pretty bad, and the prices not the best.

After food and sake I was a bit less apathetic than earlier but not by much. Trader Joe's took me for only $60 tonight. Wood would say that apathy is a good thing in this case.

Some people say that depression is anger turned inward. I'm not angry today and tears have been on the tip of my tongue, so to speak, all day (for several days, actually). Maybe my apathy today is really depression. Maybe I'm not dealing with the challenges of life too well today. I certainly am being tough on myself for being imperfect. And being tough on myself for being tough on myself.

Tomorrow will most certainly be different.

Different=Good.