Sour Lemons

We have an amazing Meyer lemon tree in our front yard. We just love having lemons available whenever we want. We use them daily in water, tea, on food and the like. We juice the lemons and make lemon-ice cubes out of them to have them at our disposal when it's not lemon season. The tree produces so many lemons, in fact that, in addition to using them fresh and frozen, we regularly pick a grocery bag full and give them away.

This evening we are having dinner with friends that revel in cocktails for any occasion. We have been indoctrinated to this way of thinking - er, drinking. So today the Little Won and I picked lemons from the tree and juiced them. While he was napping, I made a large batch of Lemon Drops to take to dinner (eight cups worth - not 8 drinks, eight cups - and enoughfor a second batch of 8 cups where that came from). Yum!

I can't waste though, so with the leftover peels, I'm going to follow the recipe below and make dessert. Yum, yum!


Candied Lemon Peels
Recipe found at www.epicurious.com

1 organic lemon, washed well
2 1/2 cups sugar

Use a vegetable peeler to remove the peel from the lemon in vertical strips. Try to remove only the yellow zest, avoiding as much of the white pith as possible. Save the lemon for another use.

In a small saucepan, combine the peels with 2 cups cold water. Bring to a boil, then drain off the water. Again add 2 cups cold water, bring to a boil, and drain. Repeat the process a third time, then remove the peels from the pan and set aside.

Measure 2 cups of the sugar into the pan and add 1 cup water, whisking until the sugar dissolves. Add the peels and bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer, uncovered, until the peels are tender and translucent, 10 to 15 minutes. Drain the peels and let cool.

Measure the remaining 1/2 cup sugar into a medium bowl and add the peels. Toss to coat. Using a fork or your fingers, remove the peels one at time, gently shaking each to remove excess sugar. Store in an airtight container. The peels will keep for several weeks.

Makes about 2 tablespoons.

When Wood Has A Baby...

It's a Twig. Therefore Won is also Twig.

Best, Worst, and Moving On

What was the best day of your life? You know, the day that you never expected or the day that you thought would be tough but turned out to be amazing. The event or series of moments where you felt that you were in your element, on your game, and enjoyed yourself beyond belief?

For me it was the day I married Hubbie (aka: Wood).

In contrast to that, what was the worst day of your life? The most horrible, awful, gut wrenching day which you were sure that you would never survive? Or looking back, the event or day that when you replay it and understand the consequence, wonder if you will survive its outcome? Or at least it's potential outcome?

I'm not sure I've had it yet. But if I had to choose one, I'd have to say it was the day that my behavior altered the way that Wood and I relate to each other. It was the day that I yelled at him out of fear, loneliness, and a dark postpartum depression, and with no real provocation. It changed him and it changed me. It makes me sad because I am the cause of our bad communication patterns. Don't get me wrong, I am not, not, not saying that I am alone in this periodic communication breakdown. We both behave badly on occasion. But I started it.

Now we work toward going back to the pre-family days of easy communication, rested bodies, fulfilled social lives, and blissful ignorance. It's hard work. Maybe that's why it's called committment.

Stuff

Won has had a low-grade fever for the past couple of days. With a butt rash, drooling, waking in the middle of the night, and not wanting to brush his teeth, I'd bet he's getting those two year molars.

He has gone to sleep the past two nights without me in his bed. It's much better to have a sore heiny from sitting on hardwood than being kicked in the kidneys, any day.

Hubbie says I'm obsessed with writing - hunting and pecking he calls it. It's probably because every time I'm near the computer he says "what are you doing?" as if it's something I shouldn't be doing.

Writing is helping me to get stuff off of my chest - for good - so I'm going to keep doing it. And I've been thinking that I should or could be writing about some family stuff. Like meeting my dad when I was 11 years old at a restaurant in Southland Mall, our relationship, our estrangement, his recent death and the funky feelings that go along with all of that. Maybe in story form. Maybe not. Something to think about. Certainly a way of getting away from the oral history getting lost. Won may be interested someday and my memory already fails me.

Right now, sleep beckons me. The gunk is still going around and I can't afford to get it again any time soon.

New Job - Week One

It feels like the employment stars have aligned themselves in my favor, finally. It's only been a week, and a short one at that, and I feel like it's a good job that I'm going to like for a while.

My boss is spending lots of time training me. Uncommon in most places of work. In my opinion, very good and vital to ensure long-term success (for the employee and supervisor) in reaching common values and goals. He's giving me important information on interpersonal relationships among co-workers. He seems to genuinely be a good person and seems to do the right thing, even in hard times. I semi-trust him. My experience tells me to be cautious in this regard.

My co-workers are interesting. I'm taking my cues from them as to how to behave - not too close, not too distant is my goal. They aren't overly communicative or friendly (at this point). In fact, none of them say "hello" in the morning, or "bye" when they leave. This is strange to me. I guess I could be described as "social-service-ey" in this regard (there are probably better descriptions for this type of interpersonal/social behavior of mine - I'd love to hear your thoughts). Actually, now that I think about it, my mom had major issues about people presenting themselves when entering or saying goodbye. It would totally piss her off if someone didn't. Needless to say, it's hard for me to enter or leave the office without greeting the people I am 40 feet from for 8+ hours per day. But, do as the Romans do, no?

My office is a disaster. It seems that my predecessor never filed anything and recycled and/or purged even less frequently. He was in his position for more than 3 years. I have had to clean up a bit - the clutter makes me feel claustrophobic. Three days of reading, reviewing, and organizing for 8 hours per day last week, and there's still the better part of a week's worth of work to be done to get it semi-functional- I'll post a photo of how things looked at the end of the first week in a couple of days. The process has been good in that I have read things that were private. Cards, draft emails, etc. This may very likely give me a bit of an edge in developing good boundaries with the people that I have to develop working relationships with. I've seen into the eye of the storm, and am somewhat armed, so to speak.

I've got lots of work on my plate already. It doesn't seem like it's going to be a difficult job in terms of the actual work I'll be doing - once I understand all that needs to be done. It's just that it's not been done for a while so I have a bunch of catching up to do. It's going to take a while.

I haven't personalized my office at all. I'm thinking that I may not. I'm thinking that the photo of Hubbie and Won and any other personal items will be kept in my drawer... only for me to see. Maybe that will help with compartmentalizing work vs. home vs. friends, etc. and help me to keep my professional distance, boundaries, etc. what with the reportedly challenging colleagues and all. Hopefully those challenges will not be too tough to overcome and the workload not to heavy. I think I can do good things here.

Just before the job started, Hubbie and I had a long heart-to-heart conversation about sharing workloads during the second shift. After months and months of conversation, he finally agreed (begrudgingly, but I'll take what I can get) to pick up Won from daycare every day of the week! This has lifted a huge burden off of me - he's really helping out a whole bunch more in terms of kid care and household responsibilities (and I know I've got it pretty darned good in this department)! Turns out he was resisting (pick up) for reasons even he isn't aware of but doesn't want his family to be secondary to everything else in his life. It's such a tough transition, this whole married, white picket fence, and 2.5 kids thing. Sure am glad I married him. Some people I know don't got it so good.

Regardless of all of the wonderful things happening I probably won't be able to write and post as frequently as I'd like in the coming weeks and/or months. Working, compartmentalization, two year old, cooking, cleaning, sleeping and such might get in the way a little bit. But know I'm thinking of you often, and would love to tell you more.

The Upside

Is that Won fell asleep in about 15 minutes. It's 7:30pm and I'm still awake. That's rare.

Child Clearly Understands Who Is In Control

Yesterday, after more than two hours of fighting for a nap, Won was driven to sleep by Papi. It only took about 5 minutes at 65mph and he was successfully transferred into the house without waking, too!

When they got home from their excursion, I was writing my anger and frustration away, hoping that once I saw Won asleep, I'd be able to relax enough to visit with Papi. It took a while longer for me to get it out of my system (and I needed to do a few edits). Turns out in addition to refusing to sleep, he's now learned to sense any degree of affection which I or Hubbie intend to direct toward the other. And interrupts us.

An episode each of Charlie and Lola and Sesame Street were the order of the day after only 60 minutes of sleep (which, in my opinion, was nowhere near enough because he's only sleeping about 9 hours per night when it's normally 12). Hubbie talked me down - Won was beside himself crying for something - helped me realize that this was the only way we would have a few minutes to ourselves and that there was no sense in fighting it. Even though I completely agreed with him, it took me the better part of Charlie and Lola to relax. This is pissing me off.

I feel like the weekend nap issue is a major battle of wills. Won naps at school. Actually, Won lays down on a mat on the floor and puts himself to sleep at school. Every day of the fucking school week. At home, I can't get this kid to relax if I gave him the boob, drugs, or a really good knock on the head (none of which I would do, of course). I feel like I'm doing something oh so wrong here. We try to be kid centric. We try to keep him engaged. We try to keep on a schedule like at school. We take him to swimming lessons in the morning on Saturdays. We take him to the kid park in the morning on Sundays. We do kid stuff. We play playdough. We read books. We have fun. Obviously not enough fucking fun. Obviously not enough parental control. He'd never hit his teachers at school and refuse to lay down for a nap. But with me or Papi? It doesn't matter what we do - more activity, less activity, earlier nap, later nap, less sleep, more sleep - NOTHING.

It's reminiscent of all of the other battles that we have except that here I have no leverage. Its reminiscent of all of the other battles that we have in that I do everything in my power to stay in control. Take things away with no major inflections in my voice. Be clear and swift. Strong and loving. And approach every day and every occasion as if it were the first time. I think about my approach and tactics before the event. But with nap, everything I've tried: Stay on the bed and the door will stay open; Be soft and gentle (e.g. no hitting and/or kicking) and I will stay in bed with you; Or, if you hit and/or kick you are not invited in my bed, get out; Stay in bed and you can have that toy; and the list of preferred behavior versus consequence of bad behavior conversation topics goes on, but doesn't work.

So this afternoon I call my mom and ask her when she's coming to visit her grandson (she'd asked this morning if she could) and she says she doesn't know. I explain that we've been trying to get a nap for 3 hours. She says she would have stopped after 1 and gone to have fun. I explain that he's two years old and needs a nap or he's a jerk (as he's trying to hurt the dog in the background). I explain that he takes a nap every day at school. She asks why we don't put him in the car. I explain that he goes to sleep on his own at school. She says she's got to go.

I understand why some parents beat their children and why some children hate their parents (I am opposed to the former and don't want the latter). These are the days that I realize how much underestimated my ability to get beyond my stuff so that I could be a good parent and raise a good human being. That's just one reason we're not interested in having more kids.

My mom just got here.

Any advice?

What a Willful Beast We Have Spawned!!

Weekends are what we all look forward to. During the week, while we work - and even if we don't, that is. Only 4 days into my new gig and I'm already back into the usual 'can't wait until the weekend' mode. It's sort of what we're all programmed to do, right?

Even as a full-time stay-at-home-mom, I relished weekends . I frankly couldn't wait for Papi to be home and take over a little bit of kid-care, visit with friends and family, and to do a couple of fun things around town.

Why are weekends so damned important? Because we get to 'catch up' on sleep. Or that's what I did for more than 30 years before I had my little Won. Now, sleep on the weekends is for not. Well, that's not entirely true. NAP TIME ON THE WEEKENDS IS FOR NOT.

The little Won's daycare/pre-school provider, hereinafter referred to as "school", miraculously transformed my non-napper into a daily, routine napper. During the week he takes a nap at school at the same time every day, for several hours.

The weekends, however, suck when it comes to nap. The little Won fights and fights and fights going to sleep. I am so (excuse my language) FUCKING tired of it I can hardly contain myself sometimes. It seems like nothing we do works. Nothing. It's infuriating because the little Won always wins the fight. Little shit.

Here's how our weekend usually works:

6am wake, roll around in bed for a while
7am get up get dressed, eat breakfast, gather needed gear
7:30am, get coffee and muffin, take the dog to the park
9am arrive home or spend a couple of hours running errands, going to the kid park, having a playdate, going swimming at the Y
11:30am arrive home, eat lunch
12:30pm retire to little Won's room for regular routine of:

1. a fresh one (diaper)
2. conversation about the going to sleep process
3. several stories/books

1pm lights out
1pm-3pm attempting to utilize psychological warfare techniques to force him to relax on his bed long enough to close his eyes and fall asleep (he has never gone to sleep without me or Papi laying down with him). At night we use the house is dark, Mom & Pop are going to sleep, too, etc. routine but nap requires something all together different. What exactly it is, I do not know. The warfare techniques that we currently employ include:

• Allowing him to choose one quiet toy to take to nap with him;
  
• Creating interest in some toy, usually a stuffed animal, to use to get him back on the bed when he's on his way off:

"Won, it's mine".
"No, Mommy!"
"Won, you can have it if you lay down".
"Okay."

• Unscrewing the light bulb to the table lamp next to his bed so he can't turn the light back on in an attempt to stay awake;
• Using blackout shades to darken the room - in all of the rooms upstairs so no light seeps into his room;
• Placing a "child safety" door thingy on the inside doorknob of his room so that he can't leave his room if he gets off of the bed;
• Removing all of the child size chairs, tables, etc. that he can't move and climb up on to turn on the bedroom overhead light;
• Removing all of the toys of interest from the room;
• Providing sleepytime tea, water, milk, or other drink requests and allowing them to stay in his room for the duration of sleep time; and
  
• Pretending to be asleep regardless of any conversation or other physical manifestations of unwillingness to sleep that may present;

Sometimes that works but more often than not it doesn't. We're usually still at it after about 1.5-2 hours. And NO, skipping nap is NOT an option. Won is an absolute Pill if he doesn't get a nap - he runs around hitting the dog, kicking the cat, spitting on me or Papi, tearing the house apart. When he's overtired, no amount of playdough, stickers, fingerpaints, sand, or coloring will keep him occupied. He just runs from room to room being a freak. I feel I'm in a real quandary when this happens. Don't fight the nap and I have a child that with a little practice could be a real sociopath. Fight it and I want to commit child, spouse, or self abuse. But I digress, by 'at it' I mean, trying to keep him on the bed, being hit, kicked, yelled at and ready to lose my mind. WITH NO SLEEP.

Needless to say, I tend to get tired out by this process. So the physical manifestations of an unwillingness to sleep tend to win out. These manifestation include but are not necessarily limited to: breast groping, hair pulling, eye gouging, hitting (the face), kicking (the kidneys are best), and head butting while I pretend to be asleep. I do my best to pretend that these things are not happening but after two plus hours of figting it and trying to protect myself from physical harm while not moving (because I'm supposed to be asleep, after all), I often get really pissed, yell a little bit, slam a door and then let him get up (I know these techniques haven't been proven by research to be totally effective 100% of the time - at least to get the results I'm after). But I'm fucking spent. On the other days, after more than two hours of both of us trying, we try the car. My reasoning is that it's only for nap. Today Papi put him in the car and he fell out in less than 5 minutes at 65mph. He was so overtired that Papi even successfully transferred him into the house with no problem. These are not typical results.

The other problem with having no nap is that Papi and I don't get any quiet time together. It's really important that we get this few minutes of 1:1 time occasionally. Now that I think about it, Won is asleep!

Gotta go!

Weaning Questions

How long will it take for my body to stop producing milk?

Upon weaning, how long will it take for my breast size to reduce to pre-pregnancy size (or smaller)?

How difficult is it to get the body started again once milk production has ended?

Should I expect plugged ducts, leaking, etc. along the way?

Are there any other things to consider?

Happy Birthday Mami!

The little won has not nursed, nor had a tantrum about not nursing, since last wednesday (2/7/07). He seems to be over it.

Birthdays at his pre-school are quite a big deal. It's an all day celebration, in fact. The kid whose day it is is literally in the spotlight all day. They get a "happy birthday" banner on the entry gate to the school that has been lovingly decorated by all of the children, they wear a special crown that was made by the teachers and kids, they sit in a special birthday chair at the head of the table, they get cake, games, and just about anything else they want, for the entire day. The little won loves birthday parties, even when it's someone else's.

When the little Won turned two (back in September), I decided that if he didn't do it on his own, I was going to require him to be done with the Chi Chi's by my birthday. My birthday is in May. "Six months," I proclaimed to my Hubbie, "should be enough time for him to self-wean. If not, I'm going to force the issue." He glanced at me and asked "Why wait so long? You seem to be finished with it." I explained that I feel like it should be something he's ready to give up. Why force him to be more mature (or whatever) before he's ready? I want him to be confident that he'll get his needs met and if the boob makes him feel that way, then fine. On the other hand, I'm sick of it. So, we're going to start talking about it and by the time my birthday rolls around, he should be one with the decision. So, I announced to the little won and just about everyone in the fold: "When it's Mommy's birthday we're going to have cake. I'm going to make a wish and blow out the candle, and my wish is going to come true!" Somewhere along the way, I decided that my birthday may come a little bit earlier than in years past. But whenever someone asked me when my birthday was, I said that I wasn't sure yet. I never said out loud to anyone other than Hubbie and other breastfeeding-positive-friends-or-associates that I really want the little won to be ready and not be forced to give it up.

Since he's been doing so great with not nursing however, I decided that we're gonna run with it. Despite my concerns that he has yet to get his 2 year molars, that he is always soothed by the boob in the middle of the night when in pain or really sick, and that my job is going full-time tomorrow, we're going to have a celebration after dinner tonight. Two bite brownies with frosting on top. We'll top it off with a candle, sing happy birthday and remind the little won that now he's a big boy and that he doesn't get Chi Chi's any more. He'll say it with such fervor, I'll smile and give him a big hug. It's such a milestone, we'll take a family photo.

I'm going to get my tears out of the way now.

Two Days and Counting

I'm still feeling yucky. My stomach isn't treating me very well - especially in the evenings - and unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. The only thing I could surmise from the last two evenings is that at each evening meal I had a little bit (like a swig) of alcohol. Guess I won't be doing that again any time soon.

In addition to the crappy stomach flu (no pun intended), I now have a head cold that is making it hard to breathe. It doesn't seem to be the same thing that my Sister and Nephew has - and that my 10 month old nephew has been in the hospital with for almost a week now. It seems more like the crud my little won has had in his nose for a week or so. It's slowing me down a bit...

The good news is that my 2.4 year old hasn't breastfed for two full days! I'm not exactly following the prescribed 'don't offer, don't refuse" advice of LLL, but I'm not exactly setting the agenda for breastfeeding cessation either. Don't get me wrong, the breastfeeding experience has been difficult from the beginning and I've practially wanted to stop from the moment we began. However, as you've probably gathered from this blog thus far, I'm a bit conflicted about many things that this wonderful life has to offer. Well, conflicted might not be the best descriptor. It's probably more like too aware of and willing to consider all of the options and such. However, regarding breastfeeding: I've merely been setting limits as to the time and location of nursing. Not at daycare, in the car, or away from home. Only once per day, after we do blah, blah, blah.... He seems to forget his request once we are doing other things like getting ready for bed or reading books. And with no major meltdowns, either.

I am feeling very good about the prospect of having my breasts back to myself (and to my husband). I think it's because it's been such a difficult road (I'll sit and write about my pregnancy, labor, delivery, difficulties breastfeeding, and 2 years of postpartum depression some other time) . And even though this has been rough, the thought of the little won and I being separate in that sense is a bit sad. I know he is getting bigger and in some ways more independent. I have no silly notions that he will stop needing me in many other ways for a long, long time to come (I actually relish the idea that we will continue to need me in different ways for the rest of his life). He's not potty trained, he still sleeps with me and his Papi most of the time, can't get dressed by himself, or cook his own meals yet, and crossing the street alone is pretty much out of the question (you don't say, he's only two?). So despite my feeling a bit conflicted I'm glad it's been two days and wonder how this will continue to progress. I know it's potentially going to increase before it ceases completely.

I'll keep you posted.

You can get the image above on a t-shirt for your little won at www.tshirthell.com/babyhell.shtml

Current Terror Alert Level

How did you sleep last night?

The new gig starts tomorrow and I feel a bit frozen. There are a thousand and one things that wanted to be done before the beginning of this new chapter but life has gotten in the way.

The awful case of the stomach flu was so awful that I didn't really eat until Tuesday. That's nearly 3 full days without food, people. In my world, Food is something that is to be enjoyed at all times. I live to shop for food, cook food, and eat food. Problem is, the flu is actually still hanging on a little bit. Sometimes I can feel the food is digesting. I know exactly where it is in my intestines because they scream "NOOOOO!" and all I can think is "please, no more". As if that's not bad enough, the back pain hasn't gone away at all - what with fighting a two year old here and there to change his diaper and such. Ice usually helps it but not right now. During the day it's okay but not at night.

The little won's bedtime routine starts at about 7pm with lights out at somewhere around 8pm. By 12:30am, I'm off to my bed wondering, as I drag myself the 25 feet from his bed to mine, how long will he sleep without joining me to put his foot in my back, fingers in my cheeks, or sharp fingernails on my breasts? It feels good to be in my bed. I fall asleep pretty quickly.

He wakes me at about 2am screaming for something that I'd love to give but have no patience or energy for... "NO MOMMY NOT YOUR BED, MY BED!" I begrudgingly go to his bed. "NO RED BLANKET, NO MOMMY!". I begrudgingly give up my favorite red blanket that my granny made. Soon enough I can hear my sweet baby breathing regular breaths into his pillow. Every now and again he wakes and yells "NO, MOMMY!", caresses my face, searches for my breasts (which I guard feircly), and then falls back into his deep slumber.

Now that I'm awake, the back pain, stress, an overactive mind, a new cold that makes my nose full and my head throb, combined with the snoring conversation make it hard to settle back down to sleep. It's after 2am.

Eventually, I give in to the pain, go downstairs, find water and take medicine and warm up the heating sack. I climb the stairs and stand in the hallway between the two bedrooms, listening and wondering... Where do I go? I don't want to be groped and hit anymore tonight but I don't want to ask Hubbie to sleep on his side either. I go to the baby's bed.

My head throbs. My back makes me whince. I toss and turn. I can't get comfortable but I use all of my energy to listen. When I'm sure that Hubbie isn't snoring so loudly that it will make me focus on it rather than relaxing into to sleep, I head back to the Eastern King size bed that has flannel sheets, an oversized down comforter, and a warm man in it. I add to the mix a throbbing head and heating pad that has sweet smells in it. Once I settle in, I realize that my stomach hurts too. It is nearly 4am. Two hours to go before the alarm sounds. How many times will I wake between now and then? What will it be? Snoring, screaming, or singing? None of the above. The alarm never went off and it's 7am before the little Won tip toes into my room saying "Mom? Hi, Mom. Did you have a good sleep, Mom?" as if nothing ever happened last night.

Last night wasn't the first bad night of rest this week... The frozen feeling is likely a result of the rain and lack of sleep.

Tylenol & Toast

The list isn't going to get done. No way, no how. My diet for the past several days has consisted of water, dry toast, chicken broth, white rice, and Tylenol. Huh? The stomach flu and a bad back. Yep, it started last week while I was painting and reared it's ugly head to the point that I could not finish the project. Could not pick up the little won from day care, could not drop the little won off at day care, could not feed the little won, could not do anything. I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that it absolutely sucks to have such a flu when other people around you are eating delicacies such as sweet potato pudding, buffalo wings, asparagas wrapped in bread with parmesan cheese, gourmet chinese food, steak, amazing soup - you get the picture - while I'm stuck in the bathroom wishing that I could eat without excruciating pain as a repurcussion. Superbowl or not, I'm really hungry...

The good part of the story is that I've been getting lots of sleep and have seen a bunch of movies I wouldn't have otherwise stopped to watch. Hubbie helped a whole bunch. Thank God for him. Don't know what I'd do without him.

Gonna get to movies, more tylenol, and toast.

I am a Generous Leader.

While I was absolutely infuriated with my two year old who wouldn't take a nap, I took a time out reading random blogs and found this personal DNA link. I took the test and read about myself based upon my answers. I found the results pretty darned true to how I view myself.

Check it out at:
My Personal Dna Report

Paint Therapy

Unfinished projects make me crazy. Every time I walk into a room they just jump out at me. No drapes, holes in the wall, no door stop, a chip in the paint, only half of the baseboard in place. The thing that makes me craziest is that the unfinished project is that only because we lack time and energy. You see, all of the supplies needed to complete most of the household projects that stare me in the face from the moment I wake until the moment I slumber live in the garage. They call to me while I sleep - "please, come and get me, I'm ready to complete your project." If only I could learn the 'get by on 4 hours of sleep' technique. Then, maybe I would have fewer projects on my to do list.

My wish list of things to do before working full-time again includes the following:

• Paint Entry & Hall Upstairs
• Photos Uploaded to Snapfish (2.4 years worth)
• Research Childcare (closer to home)
• Research Refinancing the House (?)
• Swimming Lessons for the little-one
• Complete Emergency Preparedness Packs (this should be first on the list)
• New Eye Glasses/Frames
• Finish Organizing the Garage
• Post items for sale on Craigslist
• Refinish Desk
• TOM's Stuff

My job starts sometime next week, Friday at the latest. I figure that if I can finish the painting this week that everything except the desk refinishing can get done next week. I think it's quite reasonable. Look at what's in progress or already done:

• Paint Entry & Hall Upstairs (making good progress)
• Photos Uploaded to Snapfish (nearly 200 moved today)
• Research Childcare (nothing better and/or priced comparably) DONE
  
• Research Refinancing the House (not going to do this) DONE
  
• Swimming Lessons for the little-one DONE
  
• Complete Emergency Preparedness Packs (about half way there but no cash to complete)
• New Eye Glasses/Frames (appointment made) DONE
  

It felt good to be self sufficient today. And, if the way I feel about painting the entry the most lovely shade of Ginger Root Orange and being half way done with baseboards is any indicator of how great I'll feel with the other stuff done, I'd be willing to take a bet or two.

Stay tuned.

Stress Ball

Go to bed early, wake up several times throughout the night and have difficulty falling back to sleep. Wake up early, overtired, having had very strange dreams about being pregnant, and my dead dad. Spend my free days working on projects around the house - cleaning the rat poop out of the garage, organizing closets, detailing the car, painting the entry. Write endlessly (or at least think endlessly about writing) and get crap off of my chest so that it goes away. I need to spend more time at the computer writing so that this stuff doesn't keep me up at night.

I'm a stress ball because my job should be starting full time soon. It's manifesting itself as described above. Why do I do these things? I'm stressed about something that I have no control over but I insist on making myself crazy about it before it even happens. Trying to be cautious? No. Probably trying to control the world which I have no control over.

Freak.

Refreshing

My new employer offered me an opportunity to do some reading pre-employment so that when I have to take some time off soon after I start working, it can be taken with pay. It seemed to me to be a good option. I could do some prep work prior to my start date and also get my full paycheck when taking some time off. I could also get some of the itch to get started to ease up a bit.

The training has morphed into several hours of reading and meeting with my predecessor and supervisor. This isn't a problem as I've learned that my intuition and assumptions about relationships and work styles were correct. My boss has been a bit annoyed with my predecessor, who seems to be unhappy in his job, and I'm benefitting from that because we are discussing these issues openly and honestly. This entire process has been refreshing to me. In the interview the job was clearly stated not assuming that I, the applicant, had recently read the description and understood it in it's entirety. There were opportunities for back and forth discussion about what both parties needed and expected from the other if we chose to enter into a relationship and this has continued!

My supervisor has told me his m.o., the areas that he will be hyper-vigilant about, what pisses him off, what doesn't, and that he's always got an open door - even when it's closed. His style seems to mesh pretty well with mine. Even if it's different - I know where I stand in the grand scheme of the work I'll be doing and that is huge, in my book. I know this half of the equation and that means I'll be that much closer to success.

I'm also reading 'The Art of War'. Thinking about what I need to do to be successful. The issue is that I know what to do. The problem is that sometimes I don't know how to do it. Sometimes I know what needs to be done and and how to do it, I just don't want to do it - whatever it is. That's some heavy shit right there. And, if I do say so myself, a bit immature. These are choices. Choices that determine the future. Choices that will make or break a person. That's what I need to sit with. Decide 'what do you want your future to be?' and then act upon it. Like a grown up.

Three,

There are only three visits left with the Nice Lady - three visits that are covered by my insurance, that is. Interestingly enough, the insurance that my new employer offers, The Nice Lady does not take. My existing insurance will end at the end of February. My new insurance will begin sometime in February. I have seen positive benefits from these visits with the Nice Lady, my Husband and I agree that the conversations should not end. The Nice Lady has agreed to help me locate a new provider that accepts my insurance and would be a good match for me as I work through the issues that have brought me to her in the first place. Whew, I didn't want to have the discussion about not wanting to ask my new employer about taking time off once a week for an appointment.

There are parallels between my upbringing and my current state of affairs. I get involved in situations/relationships that aren't necessarily good for me. I see red flags, dismiss them, and get in over my head. Maybe I think that "it" isn't going to happen to me. Maybe I think that the "issues" won't be that difficult to navigate. Maybe I think that I can "change" the person. That last 'maybe' was the Nice Lady's thought. Not mine. I don't think that I can change other people. As much as I want to. My mother is never going to be able to be what I want her to be for me. My Husband is never going to be "everything" to me - at least not all of the time. Why expect that he could be, that she would be, or that I am so good as to be able to change someone else? It's never happened before. Why would I think it would now?

Maybe it's just the way I'm used to behaving. It's my "role" in certain relationships to 'make people see the truth', or something like that... I am a "know-it-all". I do always want to be 'right'. My way is usually better and if it's not, I'll make it better. When there are problems I want them fixed so that the collective we can move on. Problem is, not everyone is interested in operating in the same way.

Keep reading "The Art of War".

On An Island

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone on an Island.

I've just gone deaf, mute, blind, and insane for a second or two.

When I breathe and take a look around me, I realize I'm attending an Island party.

We all check out every now and again.

Some do it more seamlessly and effortlessly than me.

This is good practice.

Judgement

This nice lady seems to have been able to cut right through the crap and tell me about myself. Go, Nice Lady! In her estimation these problems are about my inability to judge situations and their likely outcomes correctly. This creates situations sticky situations and bad behavior on my part. Thus I get myself into trouble.

I'm really into the Truth. Omission is to some extent lying, in my opinion. I hate lying. I hate superficial conversations. What is the purpose of having superficial conversations? None. Why talk to someone about things that are meaningless? Why talk if there's nothing to talk about? Why get into relationships with people that you know don't have the skills to do the right thing, make good decisions, behave ethically, etc? Why stay in relationships (be it personal or professional ones) that don't fit with your concept of Truth? What about your early upbringing, family relationships, etc. has led you to understand relationships 'should' be this way?

Mom's kinda secretive. Not terribly adept at manipulation. She sees everything as Black & White. Fights to get what she wants and when it doesn't go her way, she walks away. Burns bridges. Never looks back. I guess that's what I've been doing to some extent.

Despite the fact that I don't want situations to turn out the way that they have and have decided that long-term relationships take effort that I'm willing to invest, when other people won't come to the table to negotiate, there's a real problem. I'm not seeing the unwillingness, inability, futility in the situation - I'm at least not acting on it before it becomes a problem. Actually, not acting on it quickly enough. I see the red flags, even note them. I understand the warning signs and yet don't act upon them. Maybe I just don't have the skills to manipulate situations to my advantage.

I don't know how to be superficial so I let other people get too close. When I state my case it's usually because I'm in too far over my head. The situation has come to a head. In order to not be incredibly mean and nasty, I retreat in order to get space, recollect my thoughts, and to give the other person time to come to their senses. When they don't, It's over. The intimate part for sure.

As a child, there was nowhere to retreat to. You had to stay. You kept your mouth shut or got a belt. I usually got the belt. And seethed afterward. Or risked getting the belt again. Which I usually got again. Never really figured out how to keep my mouth shut, opinions, and facial expressions to myself so that the other person thought I believed their way. Because I usually didn't believe their way. To play 'as if' was lying. Even though I'm an adult and know it's not, when I have to or manage to do it, it feels like lying.

This is really important stuff. This letting go of sorts, of having superficial conversations, saying what the other person wants to hear, omitting certain facts, of manipulating situations to get my way (or whatever), is necessary for my long term professional (and personal) life... But how to do those things in ways that feel somewhat ethical? My reputation and opinions of myself is built upon that of being honest, fair, hard working, loyal, and trustworthy. I don't know how to do the former without jeopardizing the latter.

In my house, you couldn't go until the adult said it was the time to. Either that or you were completely left out on your own to fend for yourself. I never wanted to be an adult. Never wanted to be the adult that used my power over children or other people just because I could. The power mongers weren't happy. I could see their eyes full of self-loathing. When she said it was time to go, she burned bridges and no one was allowed to look back. It was the only way to get something else. Something else always turned out to be the same wolf in different clothing. It seems like she still hasn't learned. Doesn't want to look back. That's where we're different. My willingness to look at the Truth and Work, no matter how it hurts, helps me to move on, get the things I want in my life, and keep them.

Interesting stuff.

I need to read "The Art of War".

Chosen!

Yaaaayyy! I got the job! Yep, the Executive Director called this morning and offered me the position. I accepted and tried to sound calm, cool, and collected about it. He said that there were a lot of really qualified people that interviewed for the job but I seemed to make the best match for the job because I seemed to understand the balance of work is aimed mostly at administrative tasks and my references were so enthusiastic about me. I explained that that was fabulous because the day of the interview I had a horrible case of food poisoning and wondered at serveral moments throughout if I was going to make it through the interview. "If that was you at your worst, then..." Yes, it is true. I kicked ass at that interview despite the fact that my ass was kicking me.

Good things about the job: Supportive ED, Location, type of work, time off, pay, benefits, etc.

Bad things about the job: 40 hours per week.

How to balance it all? I've really enjoyed the past few weeks with my family. Even my two year old hasn't been as difficult as he could be lately. He's been more maliable of late. I've been less stressed out. It's probably that.

Now on the home front we have to figure out how to manage the house and dog and real life. I think it comes down to me knowing and becoming one with the fact that it's going to fall mostly on me. I am going to need to be a good house manager and enlist the help of the entire family for what needs to be done. Here are a few things I know that will help: Hubbie can do the grocery shopping on his way home from work. We can go back to our excel spreadsheet schedule - switch off cooking, cleaning, and bed time routine, get to the gym, and do a chore a day to keep things from piling up for the weekend. We can start that routine right now. I have to get beyond being upset about having to ask for 'it' and just ask. Nicely. Without judgement. Give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. In time, they'll hopefully do what needs to be done not because I ask but because they know it needs to be done. They are smart, big boys.

On the work front I need to make sure that the home front is taken care of and that life there is as simple as possible. I need to develop some good skills for managing people that are difficult and remember that every relationship I enter into is a marriage of sorts. I'm in it for the long haul and like I said for the home front, I need to give others the benefit of the doubt, ask first, and not take it personally. I know this stuff. I can do this! I will do this! I was chosen to do this!

Up and Down

I'm feeling yucky today. It's probably this cough that is keeping me down. That and the lack of knowing about the job that I want and know I'm a finalist for. I had hoped to hear last week but I haven't. And I'm obsessed with when I might hear whether or not I'm being offered the position. When should I decide that I've not been selected? Should I ask the potential employer? When? How aggressively should I be pursuing other work? Blah, blah, blah. I need a job and we need the money. That's where the stress comes from.

Writing on this blog tends to help. I can get things out of my system and into the universe where it belongs. It means that the stress and inertia aren't directed at my loved ones or myself. It's interesting though that I find myself censoring my thoughts and typing. I have only told one friend about this blog. Otherwise no one else knows that I write here. That and if they did there are few things that could really link it back to me. It stems from being invaded so many years ago. That one is going to take a while to work through. That and I should work on being more vague and poetic when expressing my feelings about certain things. Hmmm.

Looking for a J-O-B sucks.

I'm looking for a job. I spend a majority of my day searching on-line employment sites, reading job descriptions and wondering if the job could be a match for me. Job searching sucks. Being a mother (and wife, to a much less extent) diminshes the number of positions for which I can apply. You see, most jobs, in the "requirements" section of the posting say "flexibility in hours worked", "must be willing to work evenings and/or weekends", "travel required 30% of the time", or something similar that essentially screams "those that have priorities which may in any way rival being a slave to this job need not apply". I've applied to several jobs though. And, I've had fairly good success - three interviews so far. I know for a fact that my references have been checked on two but I've not received a phone call/offer from either. I want only one of the potential jobs. It's full time, seems to be a good match, and meets all of the other basic criteria. Good hours, location, benefits, time off, pay. Seems to have a good Executive Director and culture. However, I'm in purgatory. That is the part that sucks. I want to be chosen, to have a job, to be contributing to my family's financial matters, productive, etc. All of those things I know myself to be capable of.

Despite the fact that I'm searching for work, I am feeling much more relaxed about life in general - I feel like I can manage it all at the moment. It's not going to be so simple when I am working full time, though. How will we be able to manage all of the things that need to be managed when we both are out of the house 10(+)hours (out of the 16 hours we're awake) every day (yes, we both do need a lot of sleep)?

Hubbie and I are discussing how to keep, in particular my, stress levels down once I start to work full-time. My stating that I'd like a housekeeper every couple of weeks, and possibly babysitter a couple of times a week, prompted him to tell me that he needed to bring me "back down to earth". Hmmm, I think I'm on this here rock but maybe we haven't discussed it fully. Maybe I haven't made my case well enough...

There's too much going on during the week when working full-time to do it all and I need help. Period. Help. That's what I need to make sure my mental health and by default, relationships with my family, friends, and co-workers stay intact. He contends that I'm spending money that hasn't been earned yet and that we have a bunch of credit card debt that's hanging over our heads. Yes and yes. It is money that hasn't been earned yet and we do have debt. However, I'm primarily responsible for transportation to and from day care, cooking, cleaning, shopping, preparing lunch, bed time stories, breakfast, bathing, dressing, grooming, etc. He's responsible for trash & recycling (once a week), picking up dog shit (which I've been told recently he resents), and keeping track of the finances - and he works a lot.

There's a lot that need to be done though. In addition to the working and other stuff we have play dates, dog walks, family and social relationships, and among other things, nap time (oh, yeah, my libido has been like it was pre-kid recently - where the hell does that get stuck in? - no pun intended). My point here is that even if we let it all go during the week, there is only so much time on the weekends to complete all of this stuff. If I have to do it all by myself I just can't manage to be happy-go-lucky too. I can do a lot but I know my limitations and expectations. I didn't do so well before and I want a certain lifestyle. I want to be happy and have the house clean/well organized. He's not in a position in his job to be the regular in terms of pick-up/drop off and by default, much of the other stuff. So, I've done my best to ignore and not be bothered by the "when you get a job..." comments (I just don't hear the humor in his tone).

Money is an issue (no shit, like it's not for most people, huh?). We only have so much money to last for an indefinite amount of time. I feel the pressure. I get it. Really. I do. But I'm the Mom. I'm expected to do certain things and with his work situation being what it is, I am limited to working during the hours our child is in daycare. 8:30am until 5pm. Unless of course, his job changes in such a way that he is going to be able to be a "regular" in some of the other activities. Which is not the case - especially if he moves on to another position, company, etc. Besides, I want to spend time with my family (stress free so that among other things, I can get laid, damn it) on the weekends. Neither of us will have the energy to do it all all of the time. I'm just trying to be realistic. I know what I want and what I need. I know our limitations and unfortunately the discussion(s) didn't go over too well. But we will continue to talk about this - but not until I have been offered a full-time job. Which, as I said, I'm searching for.

The Nice Lady said that she thought it was going to be "interesting to see how you manage it" once working full-time. Uuhh, that's my concern too and I'm trying to work it out now so that it's not a problem later. Didn't she hear me at our first meeting??? Yeah, she did. She's just stating the obvious. Time is all it's really gonna take.

I Resolve...

For the first time in many years I feel compelled to make resolutions for the new year. Probably because my life feels so completely out of control. Resolutions can make you feel like you have a fighting chance to control your destiny. Yeah, my life is out of control. There's nothing I can do about it. So, I've decided that my usual "I resolve to make no resolutions" should stand. Breathe. Live for the moment. Live.

New Years Eve is 'Amateur Night'.

The day before New Year's Eve I went out with a couple of friends. We've known each other for many years. We eat dinner together pretty frequently, hang out togehter on the weekends occasionally, go on vacation together sometimes. I know these two women throught my Husband's association with their Husbands. They have known each other for a long time. Actually, the two women met in college. They are best friends. They are girly-girls. I am not (a regular best friend to anyone - at the moment - or a girly-girl). But, I have had a rough time of it as of late and am in no position to turn down friendship - or an evening away from mommy-duty. So, at their most gracious invitation, we planned to get out and have a drink or two.

We met at a place that I read about in Oakland Magazine as having good food and drinks. We decided that we'd check it out and if we didn't like it, we'd leave and go to a more well-known place just down the street. It was tough to get out of the house. No pant pulling, no looks of indignation. Just my inner critic telling me that I'm not fashionable enough, not sociable enough, not cute enough, not enough. No matter that my husband has always said "girrl - you're too much". My "actually, my sweet, I'm just right and don't you forget it!" retort hasn't been there for a long time. I haven't had my usual sense of humor since I was pregnant three years ago. I care less than ever what I look like, how my clothes fit, and what other people think. I have been changed from the inside out and the woman who was me only shows glimpses of herself here every now and again.

We talked about a lot of different things and I learned a secret about these women. They are slowly but surely letting me into the fold. Maybe it's me slowly but surely being open to it. Nah, it's probably a combination of the two.

I didn't get home until after midnight, smelling of vodka. Hope we do that again soon. It was fun. Yeah, being a friend and girly-girl isn't as bad as I make it out to be.

Visits one, two, and three.

The first week I met with the nice lady, I was feeling really, really low. I had just left my job. It, as I said in an earlier post, it seemed that this was the pinnacle. I decided to see the Nice Lady because I frankly was feeling suicidal. Well, maybe not feeling suicidal but the idea of suicide became a part of my thoughts on a few occasions. We recently purchased life insurance and one of the things the agent said about the policy was that it even paid out in the event of suicide. My brain kept thinking things like my family would be better off without me around. They would be taken care of financially if the life insurance paid out. They'd be better off without me. My brain would then remember that it was not true in the least. This was/is just a tough time. Dumping this stuff on the Nice Lady was very helpful.

The second week that I met the Nice Lady, we talked about the fact that things had seemed to be less intense. The only thing that changed really was that there was a bit of time and space between what had happened in the few weeks prior. Yes, even time alone helps things get better and feel a bit less intense. Time does in fact help.

The third week I met the nice lady (I had to skip one week in between due to food poisoning), we talked about the holiday and how frustrated I was with my lovely family. Their behaviors often infuriate me. No planning, no real discussion about what anyone really wants, wants to do, etc. It seems to me that they are making it up as they go. I don't like that - I like to talk, to plan, to communicate, to have an idea of where I'm headed. That way I have a slight chance of being successful in getting what I want out of 'xyz' activity. But, I digress. The whole pot-luck thing we had agreed to turned out to be less of a pot-luck and more of Mom doing everything. She told me what she was going to make and asked what we would bring. She had covered all of the major food groups so what to bring? Chicken Sausage? Drinks? "Bring whatever you want" she said. Then when we told her we were going to bring drinks she said "oh, I thought you were going to bring sausage." If she would just tell us what she wanted us to bring I wouldn't feel the urge to choke the shit out of her as frequently as I do.

For visit 4, etc. see "Looking for a J-O-B Sucks"

Why talk with a Nice Lady?

Well, to start, I left my job. It doesn't really matter that it was a job that I hated, with people that didn't seem to 'get it', or that I was trying really hard to be a part of the culture of the place. What does matter is that it was the pinnacle of events that helped push me over the edge.

I hadn't applied for the position that I was working in. It all just kinda fell into place. I offered to help out because the client I referred to the agency wasn't getting good service from them. It seemed like a win-win-win situation. The client would get better service, the agency would have someone providing the service, and I could get out of the house and away from my young child a few hours per week. I named my price, my working conditions, my expectations. They were all agreed to. No conversation, no discussion, no questions asked. That should have been my first clue.

As time went on, the agency could see that my experience could help them get more. They asked me to help with a program development project that they were interested in working on. They asked me to develop a training program for their agency staff. I agreed to do the work. Hell, it was just what I wanted to do. And, not only did I need the time away from the house and mommy responsibilities, we needed the money. Again, no conversation, no discussion, no questions asked. I didn't see the Red Flag!

As I started the work, childcare was a small issue. I tried as hard as I could to do the work at home. My kid is intense, though. He needed my undivided attention and refused to nap during the day. I found childcare. Now we really needed the money. Fourteen months of only my husband's salary (we live in the SF Bay area) and the credit card bills really started to catch up with us. We hate credit card debt. Makes us both crazy. That and I just can't sit still for very long without losing my mind. I'm not a natural 'stay at home mom'. I'm more of a Type-A personality. And I'm fine with who I am.

Once the agreement to do the training program was made (oh, yeah, I had to develop the terms and write the agreement), the focus shifted to the program development project. I rolled with the punches and started working on that project. My intention was to work on the project, finish it, and move on. I was planning to get what I could in terms of experience and financial resources and take the next plunge. I didn't know anything except that I wanted to find a new career and these experiences would help me get there. To hell with social services. I've been doing this work too long and I can't stand the sick, twisted, crazy people who want to enable clients to be losers - despite the fact that their agencies are supposed to blah, blah, blah. I mentioned that we needed money, right?

So, I worked on the program development project. Doing what I could to make it what the agency wanted. But, when the person identified to run the program backed out just before turning the application in to the state, I was asked to do it. I asked about the terms. Part-time? Yes. Money? Really good. Benefits? Sure. My program? Absolutely. Okay, I'll do it. Did I mention to you that I already selected the #2 person? No. I think she'll be great. Oh, I'd like to meet her. Sure, I'll call her right now. She dropped everything she was doing and came by to meet with us. I instantly got a bad feeling from her. Didn't like her at all. But, my thought and feeling was that I had to work with her because he had already offered her the position. Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag! I hate money.

Nice Lady?

A friend of mine once told me that she was seeing a "Nice Lady". It was, and continues to be, the way that she and I, and others say, without saying, that we are in therapy. Yes. Therapy. Talking through demons, problems, concerns, our perceived craziness. Because friends, family, and spouses get sick and tired of hearing it. That and they have other things to do with their days, nights, and weekends. The Nice Lady gets paid to listen. Once a week.

So, my goal is to write here about some of my demons, problems, concerns, etc. This is despite the fact that she thinks I shouldn't. Whatever. I need to get things out more often than once a week. I need to review on occasion. To help me remember. I've got 10 weeks of insurance covered therapy and I'm going to do everything I can to get the most out of it.

You Have A Lovely Beast

"You are so cute!"

We hear it constantly from strangers. On the street, in a restaraunt, just about everywhere we go.

A couple of weeks ago I asked you "do you know how cute you are?" Your response: "Yeah." Giggle from Mommy. "Who says you're cute?" Says Mommy. "Emilia." says Won. "Who else?" "Mayra" Who else? "Mindy" and on and on the conversation goes. So we decide that we should probably slow it down on the "cute" conversation. But, it doesn't stop me from thinking it or writing about it.

Maybe it's because you're just a little kid. Maybe it's because you're my little kid. Either way - you're adorable. And funny as all get out, too. I'm at a loss for some of the funnier things that come out of your less than 2 year old mouth, but believe me, they can be absolutely hilarious. I vow to make it to the computer next time you put me in stitches to report exactly what it was and how you said it.

Who knows what trouble you were getting into in this photo? Not me, you're just too damned cute for me to even remember. Photo is taken in our living room/office on 8/12/06.

Otherwise Known As: Postpartum Depression

In the beginning I had a really tough time with being a new mom. It was a challenge for me to be the center of someone's universe. I didn't know how to balance what I needed with what you needed in order to get what I needed. So here's what I did...

Greetings Mommies,

Our monthly night out is set for this coming Thursday March 2nd from 6-10pm.

Do you get out often enough to visit with friends and/or do things sans husband/baby? I'm not talking about a costco run, diaper errand, or housecleaning uninterrupted. Do you get to attend social occasions where kids and significant others are not necessarily the number 1 subject of conversation? Since the answer is more than likely a resounding "no" we offer you: Mom's Night Out. It's a time where you can hang out, have dinner, drinks and some lively conversation with other women living the Mommy Life. At this regular gathering, all are free to talk about interesting topics of conversation - art, movies, music, food, working, and/or politics - or the gritty realities of raising children, working (or not) and maintaining positive adult relationships in this tired existence (of sleep deprivation) we call parenthood. Despite it being a late night, the next day you'll agree it was worth it!

This month, we'll meet at the Lanesplitter - Temescal 4799 Telegraph Ave. (a couple of blocks South of 51st St. on the WEST side of the street) Oakland, CA 94609 (510) 653-5350 http://www.lanesplitterpizza.com/ They've got a GREAT beer menu along with ciders, wines and non-alcoholic beverages. They have a fairly extensive menu and the pizza is supposed to be pretty darned good.

Please bring your thirst, appetite and sunny disposition to hang out with other like moms! Please RSVP - regrets only so that no one sits at the bar drikining alone!

Be Well!

Wonelle

p.s. Can't show up at 6 because you have to put the baby to bed? Do it and show up when you can - latecomers are always welcome OR can't make this month's get together? We'll do it again on the first Thursday of next month, and the month after that, and the month after that, too! AND, if you know anyone that might be interested in joining us, forward the email to them. The more the merrier!

I organized! On the months that we were able to hang out with one another, it was a good thing. Helped us all to maintain our mental health. And it gave you and your dad some bonding time that you might not have otherwise had.

First Day of Childcare

I dropped you off at daycare at 9am this morning. You cried when I left even though you seemed to be enjoying your Chex cereal snack while sitting at the little round table with your friend Lucas. It's been two weeks now that you've been back at daycare and I've been back working. Unfortunately, it's not getting much easier for you to see me leave and it's certainly no easier for me to see you cry as I walk out the door.

I miss you while you're gone and often wonder what leaving you there does to you. You do seem to have a good time at day care though. There is lots of activity - storytime, snack, free play, bigger kids, outings to the park and library. You're napping for them every day - sometimes 2 1/2 hours at a time - something you won't consistently do at home. You play with the kids, enjoy the toys and seem stimulated. The women who work there love you - it is very clear to me. As much as I hate sending you to spend the day with someone else, it's a necessary thing as Mommy has to work in order to help make ends meet.

I'm going to get to doing that right now.

I love you.

Every Year

Today is your dad and my wedding anniversary. We decided to both play hookey from work and have a mommy-daddy day. We got up just like usual and went about our day. The only difference from any other day was that Poppy was with us and we took a 'showee' this morning. That's what you call taking a shower - 'showee'. And whenever someone goes into the bathroom and turns on the water, you're all over it. You won't give in until you get in. But I digress...

You went to school just like it was a work day so that Poppy and I could spend a wonderful anniversary day together. Poppy and I had a hot tub, went to eat lunch at the place where we got married, had our hair cut, and went to the Home Depot to get supplies to fix the shower. It's amazing how quickly the day went. That and just wild that we spent most of our day talking about you. We talked about what kind of person we think you are, what kind of person we think you're going to be and what the best school situation will be for you - private, public, etc. and will that be in Oakland or somewhere else? There are so many variables to consider that it's good that you won't be in kindergarten for another 4 years or so. It'll give us time to figure it all out and do what's best for our family as a whole.