Judgement

This nice lady seems to have been able to cut right through the crap and tell me about myself. Go, Nice Lady! In her estimation these problems are about my inability to judge situations and their likely outcomes correctly. This creates situations sticky situations and bad behavior on my part. Thus I get myself into trouble.

I'm really into the Truth. Omission is to some extent lying, in my opinion. I hate lying. I hate superficial conversations. What is the purpose of having superficial conversations? None. Why talk to someone about things that are meaningless? Why talk if there's nothing to talk about? Why get into relationships with people that you know don't have the skills to do the right thing, make good decisions, behave ethically, etc? Why stay in relationships (be it personal or professional ones) that don't fit with your concept of Truth? What about your early upbringing, family relationships, etc. has led you to understand relationships 'should' be this way?

Mom's kinda secretive. Not terribly adept at manipulation. She sees everything as Black & White. Fights to get what she wants and when it doesn't go her way, she walks away. Burns bridges. Never looks back. I guess that's what I've been doing to some extent.

Despite the fact that I don't want situations to turn out the way that they have and have decided that long-term relationships take effort that I'm willing to invest, when other people won't come to the table to negotiate, there's a real problem. I'm not seeing the unwillingness, inability, futility in the situation - I'm at least not acting on it before it becomes a problem. Actually, not acting on it quickly enough. I see the red flags, even note them. I understand the warning signs and yet don't act upon them. Maybe I just don't have the skills to manipulate situations to my advantage.

I don't know how to be superficial so I let other people get too close. When I state my case it's usually because I'm in too far over my head. The situation has come to a head. In order to not be incredibly mean and nasty, I retreat in order to get space, recollect my thoughts, and to give the other person time to come to their senses. When they don't, It's over. The intimate part for sure.

As a child, there was nowhere to retreat to. You had to stay. You kept your mouth shut or got a belt. I usually got the belt. And seethed afterward. Or risked getting the belt again. Which I usually got again. Never really figured out how to keep my mouth shut, opinions, and facial expressions to myself so that the other person thought I believed their way. Because I usually didn't believe their way. To play 'as if' was lying. Even though I'm an adult and know it's not, when I have to or manage to do it, it feels like lying.

This is really important stuff. This letting go of sorts, of having superficial conversations, saying what the other person wants to hear, omitting certain facts, of manipulating situations to get my way (or whatever), is necessary for my long term professional (and personal) life... But how to do those things in ways that feel somewhat ethical? My reputation and opinions of myself is built upon that of being honest, fair, hard working, loyal, and trustworthy. I don't know how to do the former without jeopardizing the latter.

In my house, you couldn't go until the adult said it was the time to. Either that or you were completely left out on your own to fend for yourself. I never wanted to be an adult. Never wanted to be the adult that used my power over children or other people just because I could. The power mongers weren't happy. I could see their eyes full of self-loathing. When she said it was time to go, she burned bridges and no one was allowed to look back. It was the only way to get something else. Something else always turned out to be the same wolf in different clothing. It seems like she still hasn't learned. Doesn't want to look back. That's where we're different. My willingness to look at the Truth and Work, no matter how it hurts, helps me to move on, get the things I want in my life, and keep them.

Interesting stuff.

I need to read "The Art of War".