Paula in the Garden is a Beautiful Thing!

It's too bad it's been difficult for her to do for such a long time. She's fabuous at it. It's a passion of hers. And the two combined make for something truly amazing. I wish you could see. Maybe someday there will be a photo so you can.

Satya

he visits
his voice
his car
his eyes
face
tattoos
appear when I least expect them

his visits
full of love
as was he
they make me smile

but today the pain
is acute and
the tears stream down my face
amost as uncontrollable
and as fresh
as the day he killed himself

What a Bitch!

Stark-raving-immature-lunatic-bitch.

Not you. Me.

Instead of focusing on the fact that the laundry is done, I focus on the fact that 4 loads of washed and dried clothes are on the couch, unfolded and wrinkled. Not that Hubbie made sure that it was all done, but the fact that it wasn't done the way I want it to be done.

Even in the midst of it I know I'm having an immature, childish fit. I know that it's stupid. I know that I'm being a bitch. I know that I don't want to behave this way and/or be a bitch. Even still, the more I focus on what I think that I should be focusing on (the fact that for instance, the laundry is done and done is good, and/or the fact that I'm being childish expecting things be done my way all of the time) the more pissy I get.

I'm really tired from this past week's events. Being over tired is not good for me. Makes it extra difficult to be gracious and thankful. Believe it or not, I really am thankful for all of the things that I do have.

Among those things I'm thankful for: Twig hasn't had a fever since Saturday afternoon. Wood and he are out and about shopping so that I can clean the house. A clean house will help the pissies go away. Guess I'd better get to it.

F-in' Fever

I never made it to work on Thursday because Twig's fever made it to 104 during the day. We went to the Doctor's office again and they said we didn't really have much to worry about. Overall, he's doing well. If the fever is still high Sunday, we need to bring him in on Monday and they'd start doing tests.

Last night at about midnight Twig's fever reached 106 degrees. Scary. We promptly gave more medicine, forced water, and used cool washcloths on the back of his neck. We got it down to 105 in about an hour. Not surprisingly, I couldn't fall asleep very easily and didn't sleep very well when I did. I woke up at 3am to give meds and again at 6am to get ready for work.

I had to go to work today and the entire day was difficult. Because I had left my sick child at home. Not that Twig and Wood were together - it was that I left my sick son. As it turns out, they hit the zoo and had a great time. His fever didn't reach 103.2 until 2:30 in the afternoon.

He was a happy camper until I got home. Actually, he was very happy to see me when I showed up. He was quite cuddly and talkative until I started cooking for him. At which point he cried for about 15 minutes - a meltdown about pot stickers - go figure. But after a fair amount of [more] cuddling, he got himself together and ate the potstickers...Blood sugar must have been low. He's been happy ever since he finished eating.

He's been playing a little bit tonight and that's always a good sign. We're on our way to bed soon. Unfortunately, I have to work tomorrow.

Jeff Stryker Did HARD Time!!

Here's something I wrote oh, so long ago about a play that a friend and I attended in 1999. Wow, it's been a long time, friend. Miss you and our adventures (or misadventures?). Hope Portland is treating you well. xo.

Jeff Stryker toured in a 1998-99 stage show called "Jeff Stryker Does Hard Time" which was an erotic-comedy set in a prison. The show ended with a dance finale in which Stryker disrobed for the audience

______


OH, MY!

I love an adventure and I must say that this was definitely one! One I won't forget for some time. OH, MY!

Four of us walked into the theatre and we were 4 of, yes, 4 Women in the place. It was somewhat uncomfortable at first. It kinda felt like we were intruding on some private boy party.

The play was bad, the plot stunk, the acting was even worse but I guess the nudity made up for it (this one I'm still debating in my own mind). The story is set in Homo central"; SF County jail. The big news of the week is that Porn Star Jeff Stryker has asked to serve his time there and his request has been granted. The remainder of the "story" shows all of the gay guys fighting over the "bitch", myriad sexual acts (including a fairly explicit rape scene), frontal nudity and lots I MEAN LOTS of REALLY bad "gay" jokes. So bad, in fact, that there were some giggles and some "oh, ho"'s coupled with shaking heads and "oh, maahhan"'s.

Thougout, the plans for the inmates to produce "festival de la noche" were discussed and was the transition to the "attraction we'd all been waiting for". Jeff Stryker came onto the stage wearing only his Motorcycle boots and an erection! OH, MY! He poured and rubbed about a quart of oil on himself and proceeded to do a little dance (?well, not exactly a dance?). Masturbation describes it best. Flung his condom off into the crowd (EEEWWW) and just about the time I thought my friend was going to crawlout of her skin and need to be peeled off of the ceiling, HE JUMPED OFF OF THE STAGE AND (OH, MY) continued to do his dance for the audience up close and personal (he started with us). He paid special attention to a few of the women in the crowd, and I must say that at this point EVERYONE felt uncomfortable regardless of gender. Even the boys felt like they were intruding on some private party because he was running around giving the equivalent of lap dances. Thrusting his hips and providing an up close and personal introduction to his penis. I don't think anyone touched it, although one guy did touch his leg, so, you never know. He finished by waving (literally) himself a little closer than necessary at my friend and I (my friend absolutely LOVED it). I was, and still am, a little stunned. How is that possible? To maintain an erection for at least 10 minutes for complete strangers? Maybe I just answered my own question there. I would say that I got my $40 worth and it was one thick, long penis! Fairly attractive, as well (seriously)! As far as the penises of total strangers go.

HMMMM, what else can I say? Oh, after the show, he raced to the door to thank every person for attending the performance and making sure that they knew he hoped they had enjoyed themselves. As we left (OH, MY), he shook my hand, or I shook his, (HE's still NAKED) and then grabbed his penis and said "Oh look, have a head cold!" Then he shook my friend's hand. She's never going to wash it she's jsut going to smell it
for he rest of her life.

I swear, this experience was similar to that of being a teenager and seeing a penis for the first time! It was unreal! Like nothing I've ever experienced before! We laughed and laughed and giggled like pre-adolescents for the rest of the evening......

Childhood Sickness Syndrome

Happy and Healthy TwigTwig - Not so happy. Not so healthy.

Fever was 103.8 this morning. Isn't going down too much even with fever reducer.
We're forcing juice water and veggin' in front of the tube like we never, ever do.
Papi is coming home from work early so that I can go in late.

Sick-O-Rama

Okay, we're not over whatever this sickness is... Fever of102.3 started last night and even with a couple of doses of meds hovered around 101 through this morning. By lunch time today it had spiked to 104.3 but did finally respond to fever reducer and is back in the 102 range.

Our Doctor said today that all of the stool tests came back negative. No salmonella or other serious intestinal yuckies breeding in there. While this is good, good, good, our weekend ER adventure is still without explanation. In terms of what is happening now we can't be sure that it's even related, I guess. But she said that we are to take him in immediately if he has 1) severe stomach pain 2) blood in his stool or 3) a fever of 102 for 5 days. Oy! Please, no!

I had hoped to work from home today but Twig hasn't been comfortable enough to sleep - even in the car or on me and this is unusual on both accounts. He's chillin with Dora, Bene, and Boots at the moment, swiggin some grape juice-water every now and again trying to stave off dehydration. Not an issue that I couldn't work from home, my brain just can't wrap itself around developing policies and procedures and being aware enough to focus on child (sick or not) at the same time anyway. Multi-tasking anything else would be absolutely no problem. When it comes to my baby - everything and everyone else can wait. Thank goodness my new employer is pretty cool about it. It helps that I've been kicking ass and taking names since the moment I started working there.

Fruit

He hasn't experienced any tummy problems for at least 24 hours.

He did fall at school today and has a lovely raspberry on his forehead.

When I saw it, my heart ached just as much as it did while we were at the Emergency Room on Saturday.

It won't ever go away, will it?

The ache of love, I mean.

Holding Our Breath, But Not For Much Longer

All is pretty much well in the Tummy Neighborhood of Twig. He had a fever last night of nearly 102 but it was lessened with medicine and didn't return after it's initial debut.

We went to see our regular Doc today who didn't seem to be too concerned about the entire ordeal - as it is today that is. Twig was pretty happy at the office. But, I know he's not completely better. His energy is a bit low, he isn't eating like usual, and he's got those circles under his eyes. He's talking about his stomach hurting and every now and again he'll say "My stomach has an owie, I need to go to the Doctor's office now." Is it real pain or just discussion about the events of the last couple of days? Maybe it's that he's not eaten anything but the BRAT diet for the past two days and he's just hungry. Hopefully it's just the latter and will cease with a good meal.

Only one the Stool sample tests is in - negative for infection (yaay!). We'll have to wait until Wednesday or so to find out if there are any results from the other. Sigh. Hopefully no news is good news.

Even though the Doctor wouldn't tell me if he's completely "free" from the possibility of this Intusussception thing, she thinks he's pretty much okay. I guess I can live with the fact that it's not an issue if he doesn't have symptoms.

Wood and I are a bit stressed from it all. Worry can make you tired. We're beat.

Will keep updating as news comes in. Hopefully there will be no news to report!

Saturday's Weather Forecast

Saturday's weather forecast for the Oakland, CA area called for sunny skies with temperature's in the mid to high 70's on Saturday. It wasn't that warm at 8 in the morning at Point Isabel where we take our dog for a walk every weekend. Our routine includes Twig in the stroller, since there are lots of dogs, most that are larger than a grown man, running around off-leash chasing balls, sticks, the wind, or other dogs. A thirty pound toddler likely looks like an interactive chew toy for most of these beasts, and I'm a freak, so we require him to be in the stroller for our weekend walks there. He happily watches the dogs play, eats some snacks, and listens to his favorite Sesame Street tunes on the MP3 player. All the while Wood and I walk at a relatively quick clip, throw the ball for the dog, and try to chat a bit.

After we did our normal routine yesterday, we headed over to the El Cerrito TJ's to get some food. Almost as soon as we walked into the store, Twig said his stomach hurt. His face got all contorted, he winced rather loudly, his face turned as white as a ghost, and then he looked like he was going to pass out. This happened several more times over a period of about 10 minutes but the pain turned into full-on screaming and crying followed by this paleness and this looking like he was going to pass out. Wood and I were frightened.

In the car, he fell asleep almost immediately. While we drove home I thought about the morning. What could be making his tummy hurt like this? What did he eat for breakfast? Are there any chemicals out and/or in his reach that he could have gotten into? He had been a grump for the past couple of days, and reportedly had a bad listening day at school on Friday, so for the past day or so I figured he was on his way to getting the same green nose-cold that the rest of the kids at School have. Oh, he's been eating chalk! I called the doctor's office, who referred me to the Poison Control, who said that "chalk is just like Tums, that would make his stomach hurt less, not more". Okay, the chalk isn't going to kill him. Whew!

We decided to run errands while he slept. All of a sudden, he woke up screaming holding his stomach, writhing in pain. This was immediately followed by paleness, sweats, and lethargy. Repeat the earlier scene, just more intense. We were on a busy street with lots of activity. You know, one of those quaint neighborhood streets with lots of stores, restaurants, families, etc. The only thing that piqued a tiny bit of interest was a woman in a power wheelchair who whizzed past us. Otherwise, people with balloons, children squealing with delight, and a woman pandering for money by singing and playing the banjo solicited only a very meek "Mommy, it's music" from him.

I called the Doctor's office again, despite the fact that they were closing in 10 minutes and explained the situation. I was guaranteed a call back by the doc who was working today.

The pain, screaming out loud, and lethargy continued to intensify so without a call back from the doctor's office so 30 minutes later Wood and I decided to go directly to the Emergency Room at Children's Hospital. We got a call back from our doctor's office while we were in the waiting room. She said that the hospital doctors would be better able to help find out what was going on than she would over the phone.

Twig was being seen by a doctor within an hour of our initial arrival at the Emergency Room, having periodic but very intense pain. When being examined, he had severe pain in the upper right side of his abdomen. Otherwise, everything was normal.

The doctor left the room to blow her nose and came back to tell us her preliminary diagnosis: Intussusception - one portion of the bowel slides into the next, much like the pieces of a telescope. When this occurs, it creates an obstruction in the bowel, with the walls of the intestines pressing against one another. This, in turn, leads to swelling, inflammation, and decreased blood flow to the intestines involved. Her plan: they would put an IV in his arm, send us for an ex-ray and ultrasound of his abdomen, and go from there. Wood and I both knew that this was serious but were both trying to being as patient and objective as possible.

In about 10 minutes, the nurse and a helper were in our room to place an IV in Twig's arm. What a trooper this kid is. He chatted up the two nurses (the helper, a very large man named Dave, who was prepped and ready to hold him down should screaming, hitting and kicking ensue) about this great book by Jon Scieszka, school activities, and other niceties. When the most fabulous male nurse was preparing to poke him with the needle the second time - and my son had absolutely no problem with it - it hit me that they were preparing him to be ready in case he needed emergency surgery on his intestines. I excused myself for about 2 minutes to go to the bathroom (read: cry my eyes out in another room so that my son wouldn't see my panic). When I returned, the nurse said that in his 25 years of nursing children, he'd never had a patient so easy to set an IV. Wood and I honestly believe that Dave was genuinely disappointed that he didn't have anything to do. He was grateful to Twig for the story recommendation for his 5 year old, though.

We went for the x-ray and then the ultrasound - where again this two year old kid did everything he was told with absolutely no whining, crying, or refusal of any kind. And while the radiologist did the ultrasound (a blockage was seen on the x-ray) we listened intently to the problem being seen and the possible diagnoses. The colon is thickened and swollen, there are many swollen lymph nodes in the area but the kidneys look good. It could be intussusception (not likely but you never know), there could be bleeding in the intestines which is causing the swelling and thickening of the colon, and/or some bacterial or viral disease process happening. We were sent back to the Emergency Room to talk to the Doctor.

Before the doctor came back, the nurse brought a bag of fluid in and said that Twig needed to have this. We'd have to wait to see the doctor until she heard back from the Radiologist as to the results of the x-ray and ultrasound. Twig was feeling better - no intermittent screaming from the pain for about 2 hours - he wanted to eat and drink and was being a typical two year old turd so being connected to the IV machine was a bit trying.

When the doctor came back (it wasn't the original one), she said that they're not exactly sure what's going on. They don't think that intussusception is an immediate concern and they're going to treat him for the bacterial or viral option (the treatment is IV fluid therapy) and need to do some tests on his stool to try to determine what is going on. We were sent home with a sack to collect some poop from his next bowel movement. We were told to bring back the stool sample as soon as possible after collecting it, to bring him back to the hospital immediately if his pain increases again, he stops peeing, has a high fever (101) for more than 2-3 days, or has diarrhea more than 12 times in 1 day. We are to see our regular doctor Monday or Tuesday for follow up on the results of the stool culture(s). The final diagnosis: inflammation to the intestine.

We went home after 6 hours in the Emergency Room, having missed the glorious weather, but knowing that we made the right decision to follow our instincts and head directly to the hospital. Granted, we're not completely out of the woods on this. But, our son isn't in excruciating pain, screaming, or looking like he's going to pass out. His eyes have those tired bags underneath them, but a little worse than usual this morning (which is always a sign to me that he's sick) even though he slept pretty well last night. But he has only eaten toast and two bites of banana in the last 24 hours. This morning, he's happily watching television. He's usually bored by the end of the first episode of Sesame Street. He's had two already and just started on Charlie and Lola. He can sit there and watch as long as he wants today.

Microwave Popcorn

There was a time when I just loved that "Butter" flavored Microwave Popcorn you get from the supermarket. But people change. The Microwave is about 15 steps from my office door and whenever someone makes their afternoon popcorn snack, I just want to hurl. Really, it's a physical response to the scent.

Ides of March

Wood and I got married on this day (we don't much care for Julius Cesar so - baaahhh!). Twig had the sweetest smile on his face while he watched us hug and kiss in the kitchen this morning, saying "Happy Anniversary" to one another. Work is so busy for us this week that we can't take a few minutes out of the work day to stick to tradition and on our anniversary proper, eat lunch where we had our ceremony and reception. Oh well, Grandma will 'sit on' Twig Friday night so we can have dinner together at our spot - and we're thinking that we'll go out dancing afterward. Whooo-hooo!

Wood is feeling a bit better than he was the other day. He has agreed to call the health plan and search for a Nice Lady to have Conversations with. It doesn't matter to me how much money it will cost - his emotional, mental, and by default, physical health, are so much more important than any amount of money. I've got my own thoughts on the 'issues' at hand but they're not relevant. Upon questioning he says it's only about him, not 'us'.

The "Beware!" entry was not fiction. Real life drama. Grrr.

Beware!

Dear [Former Employer]:

I received an email from [my email provider] today 3/13/07 asking for feedback on a recent inquiry and subsequent changes that I had made to my account [regarding services I had purchased for you]. I had not made any changes to any of my accounts so I immediately contacted [the provider] to inquire.

Upon inquiry, [email provider] reported that [former employer] called and made changes to my account. They also reported that you were required to give at least two levels of personal information regarding me and the account - my home and work zip codes, my alternate email address(es), credit card numbers (okay - this is legitimate - yours was used to pay for the services), and/or my date of birth information in order to access the account. All of the previously stated confidential information that you used to access my account was available to you ONLY because of an employment arrangement which we previously had.

You have never contacted me by telephone, email, or US post to request that I, the account owner make changes to the account. If you had requested it, I would have gladly made the changes.

Your access to my personal [email and other services purchased from the provider] account and the resulting changes made to it on 3/7/07 was NOT authorized by me - the account owner. This is absolutely egregious and unacceptable.

Please note that I am in contact with legal representation and will seek any and all remedies available to me by law regarding [previous employer's] unauthorized access to my personal account on 3/7/07. Note also that I will seek any and all remedies available to me by law if you, any employee of, or person related to you and/or [previous employer's name here] EVER accesses ANY of my personal accounts or utilizes or otherwise shares any of my personal or confidential information available to you as a result of our previous employment arrangement with anyone without my prior written authorization to do so.

Sincerely,

Bitch (the one whom you obviously pissed off one too many times)

Worry

Wood is in a bad space. He's not really sure what's going on. He's home from work today having chest pains again (these were diagnosed as a panic attack about a year ago). He hates his job and feels like he and I are always opposite one another - he's up, I'm down. - I'm up, he's down - and he doesn't like it. Rightfully so. Life has changed for all of us, and in a really big way, lately. Maybe it's time he see a nice lady. That's all I have time for right now - the love of my life needs me more than anything else.

I Know You Are But What Am I?

I stumbled across a couple of potentially interesting Mommy Blogs today and am just pleased as punch that there are some more of us sharp-tounged mommy-women out there writing for the whole world to see. It's also wonderful to see the word Bitch in reference to us being used out there, too.

Perhaps it's because thinking is something that comes rather easily to me. Or maybe it's because of my perpetual skepticism that people find me difficult, intense, challenging, and bitchy. Maybe that's why books and just about anything else that suggests and/or supports Wonelle's Bitchiness is so alluring. I actually revel in being thought of and called a Bitch on occasion. It's kida powerful, you know?

I'm reading the latest book publication Bitchfest from the editors of www.bitchmagazine.com and received a subscription to the print magazine for christmas (but haven't seen a copy yet - and I want oh, so badly to read it). Check it out. If nothing else, it's interesting reading.

Before The Job Started

Wood and I had a long, rather heated, discussion Sunday or Monday before the new job began (Wow! it's been three weeks now). It wasn't on any new topic. No, it was just the continuation of an old one. One that we had not been able to make any significant headway on. It had to do with each of our responsibilities with regard to Twig. Bathing, feeding, dressing, diapering, driving, playing, and the list goes on.

When I left my last job, Wood was up for a promotion. While it would have well made up for the salary that no longer existed on my end, it would have been quite a lifestyle change. The job and hours would have kept him away from home a whole bunch. Early mornings, late nights, traveling, and the like. I was very conflicted about this potential gig. On the one hand, I really want him to pursue any professional opportunities (or personal) that interest him. This job would have taken him back to the Arts in a way that was very much like the first job he had in college and that would have been a good thing. But, on the other hand, I was concerned that the job would keep him away from Twig and I, who want and need him at home to participate in certain parts of our lives. I wholeheartedly support his love of the Arts (for work or pleasure) but I didn't exactly sign up to be a *single* married parent.

A couple of months before Twig was born I stopped working. It was a crappy gig and a bad match. We were able to afford a decent lifestyle without my salary. I was planning on taking as much time off as possible after Twig's arrival, so it seemed natural that I be a stay at home mom for a while. I had been long thinking that I wanted to focus on family and here was my golden opportunity. Problem was, once I got it, I didn't like it all that much. Oh, the housekeeping, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning weren't the issue. I honestly believe that when I wasn't working, my job was to be the goddess of our home. For me it was being home full-time with a baby that was tough. I couldn't communicate with him and had no clue as to what he wanted (besides my boobs - which is another post all together). Lets just suffice it to say that being a mommy, especially in the early days, has never been automatic or natural for me. I'm not like some of those women you see - you know the ones we envy and try and emulate - the ones that are clearly in their element with little ones...seemingly at all times of the day.

I started to work part-time when Twig was about a year old and it continued to be a breeze for me to be goddess of all things home and child. The garbage and bills were Wood's primary responsibility. Everything else - mine. Those of you that 'know' me, know that I can do a whole bunch with relative ease. Some might call me a type-A personality and that's fine with me. My expectations are high and I generally rise to the occasion. I like to get stuff done and I like to be the one to do it. But as my part-time job became closer to full-time, Twig needed to be dropped off and picked up at regular times, and it kind of just kept being my responsibility to do all things house and baby. As time went on, it became increasingly more difficult for me to keep it all together.

Part of the reason I married Wood was, not only because of his dashing good looks and fabulous personality but, because he 'did his own laundry', 'made his own bed', and 'cooked his own food'. He went to boarding school in High School so he learned how to take care of himself at a fairly young age. This was (and still is) totally sexy to me. I am an independent woman, always have been, and always will be - I sure as hell am not interested in wiping a grown man's ass. Excuse the imagery, here folks, but I'd had a few mamma's boys for boyfriends in my day and wasn't havin' it by the time Wood walked into the Lobby of my life. But something happened when we got married. He slowed down on the pitching in tip. By the time Twig was a year and a half old, I was working full-time, and he was frankly being lazy.

As I said in an earlier post, I yelled at Wood about 4 weeks after Twig was born and it changed our relationship (okay, maybe it was the culmination of changes in our lives that changed each of us and our relationship, but that is the event that I see in my minds eye when I notice the changes from the way it was between us in the early days). He told me the other day that that feeling - wishing that it hadn't been the way that it was - is regret. Because of regret (and the knowledge that to keep a marriage you have to be willing to gently compromise), I have worked really hard to approach my wishes for change in my relationship with my partner very incrementally and subtly. Yes, ME, with subtlety. As things became more difficult for me to manage between child, dog, cat, home, work, and lack of a sex life, I would express my frustrations, my tiredness, my feeling overwhelmed, the reasons for my lack of libido. But I wasn't terribly direct because he could do his own laundry (read: he's a big boy and doesn't need me to spell it out for him). But it didn't get me what I needed. He didn't help. Or if he did, it was only for a few days. Then it ended. I got more frustrated, more tired, more overwhelmed and started to be more direct. He didn't hear me. Well, if he heard me, he certainly didn't offer any help.

The conversation started to get really intense when I was looking for work this last time around. He said I could get a job in a coffee shop. NO, that would not be possible because Twig can't be dropped off at daycare before 8am and has to be picked up by 5:30pm. Wood can't drop off because he likes to go in to work early. Can't pick up because he can't leave the building before everyone else - he's responsible for the safety of people (doesn't matter that he gets there 3 hours before everyone else, too). So, it's Mami's job to do the drop off and pick up. But since Wood doesn't get home at the same time every night, I also have to do dinner. And since Twig spends a majority of his time with Mami, Papi can't put him to sleep, so I'm on for that too. God only knows why I fall asleep with the kid every night by 7:30pm... Wood sits in front of the television for a couple of hours after he gets home from work. What a luxury. In the morning, it's Mami who gets the kid dressed, teeth & hair brushed, fed, lunch made, dishes from last night done, dog fed, cat fed, etc. (what's a shower?) because again, I'm by myself with the little Won.

Wood said in this pre-Mami-working-talk that if he 'had' to share more Twig responsibilities that he'd never be able to climb the ladder at work. He said "when you make as much as I do..."I stopped him (quite angrily) in the middle of his sentence and said that that was not fair. "you have a Masters Degree" he said. "What you fail to understand Wood, is that my lack of a penis automatically means I will never have anywhere near the earning potential you do. First of all my profession doesn't pay much, even with a Master's Degree, and secondly, because I'm The Mami, and because I have to do the things that I do to keep our lives running smoothly - you can't even get home at the same time 3 days a week to make dinner - my job options are extremely limited. Yes, limited by geographic, time, and parenting constraints. Thus, my potential (especially for earning) for career advancement will be limited until Twig goes away to college. And the coffee shop just isn't a reality - on a few different levels. I'll do whatever I need to do for Twig, you, and me -I told you I'd suck it up if you got that promotion - but this is different. You need to decide what type of a relationship you want to have with your family. Just let me know what that is so that I can work it out for myself."

It's weird that it's taken this much time to come full-circle but it has all changed on a dime. He's doing so much more family/household stuff. And, as of my first day on the job, he picks Twig up from daycare every day of the week.

With his help, I'm less stressed, tired, and overwhelmed. And my libido's back. He really is a fabulous man. I can hardly find words to express how much I love him.

Sour Lemons

We have an amazing Meyer lemon tree in our front yard. We just love having lemons available whenever we want. We use them daily in water, tea, on food and the like. We juice the lemons and make lemon-ice cubes out of them to have them at our disposal when it's not lemon season. The tree produces so many lemons, in fact that, in addition to using them fresh and frozen, we regularly pick a grocery bag full and give them away.

This evening we are having dinner with friends that revel in cocktails for any occasion. We have been indoctrinated to this way of thinking - er, drinking. So today the Little Won and I picked lemons from the tree and juiced them. While he was napping, I made a large batch of Lemon Drops to take to dinner (eight cups worth - not 8 drinks, eight cups - and enoughfor a second batch of 8 cups where that came from). Yum!

I can't waste though, so with the leftover peels, I'm going to follow the recipe below and make dessert. Yum, yum!


Candied Lemon Peels
Recipe found at www.epicurious.com

1 organic lemon, washed well
2 1/2 cups sugar

Use a vegetable peeler to remove the peel from the lemon in vertical strips. Try to remove only the yellow zest, avoiding as much of the white pith as possible. Save the lemon for another use.

In a small saucepan, combine the peels with 2 cups cold water. Bring to a boil, then drain off the water. Again add 2 cups cold water, bring to a boil, and drain. Repeat the process a third time, then remove the peels from the pan and set aside.

Measure 2 cups of the sugar into the pan and add 1 cup water, whisking until the sugar dissolves. Add the peels and bring to a boil over medium heat. Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer, uncovered, until the peels are tender and translucent, 10 to 15 minutes. Drain the peels and let cool.

Measure the remaining 1/2 cup sugar into a medium bowl and add the peels. Toss to coat. Using a fork or your fingers, remove the peels one at time, gently shaking each to remove excess sugar. Store in an airtight container. The peels will keep for several weeks.

Makes about 2 tablespoons.

When Wood Has A Baby...

It's a Twig. Therefore Won is also Twig.

Best, Worst, and Moving On

What was the best day of your life? You know, the day that you never expected or the day that you thought would be tough but turned out to be amazing. The event or series of moments where you felt that you were in your element, on your game, and enjoyed yourself beyond belief?

For me it was the day I married Hubbie (aka: Wood).

In contrast to that, what was the worst day of your life? The most horrible, awful, gut wrenching day which you were sure that you would never survive? Or looking back, the event or day that when you replay it and understand the consequence, wonder if you will survive its outcome? Or at least it's potential outcome?

I'm not sure I've had it yet. But if I had to choose one, I'd have to say it was the day that my behavior altered the way that Wood and I relate to each other. It was the day that I yelled at him out of fear, loneliness, and a dark postpartum depression, and with no real provocation. It changed him and it changed me. It makes me sad because I am the cause of our bad communication patterns. Don't get me wrong, I am not, not, not saying that I am alone in this periodic communication breakdown. We both behave badly on occasion. But I started it.

Now we work toward going back to the pre-family days of easy communication, rested bodies, fulfilled social lives, and blissful ignorance. It's hard work. Maybe that's why it's called committment.

Stuff

Won has had a low-grade fever for the past couple of days. With a butt rash, drooling, waking in the middle of the night, and not wanting to brush his teeth, I'd bet he's getting those two year molars.

He has gone to sleep the past two nights without me in his bed. It's much better to have a sore heiny from sitting on hardwood than being kicked in the kidneys, any day.

Hubbie says I'm obsessed with writing - hunting and pecking he calls it. It's probably because every time I'm near the computer he says "what are you doing?" as if it's something I shouldn't be doing.

Writing is helping me to get stuff off of my chest - for good - so I'm going to keep doing it. And I've been thinking that I should or could be writing about some family stuff. Like meeting my dad when I was 11 years old at a restaurant in Southland Mall, our relationship, our estrangement, his recent death and the funky feelings that go along with all of that. Maybe in story form. Maybe not. Something to think about. Certainly a way of getting away from the oral history getting lost. Won may be interested someday and my memory already fails me.

Right now, sleep beckons me. The gunk is still going around and I can't afford to get it again any time soon.

New Job - Week One

It feels like the employment stars have aligned themselves in my favor, finally. It's only been a week, and a short one at that, and I feel like it's a good job that I'm going to like for a while.

My boss is spending lots of time training me. Uncommon in most places of work. In my opinion, very good and vital to ensure long-term success (for the employee and supervisor) in reaching common values and goals. He's giving me important information on interpersonal relationships among co-workers. He seems to genuinely be a good person and seems to do the right thing, even in hard times. I semi-trust him. My experience tells me to be cautious in this regard.

My co-workers are interesting. I'm taking my cues from them as to how to behave - not too close, not too distant is my goal. They aren't overly communicative or friendly (at this point). In fact, none of them say "hello" in the morning, or "bye" when they leave. This is strange to me. I guess I could be described as "social-service-ey" in this regard (there are probably better descriptions for this type of interpersonal/social behavior of mine - I'd love to hear your thoughts). Actually, now that I think about it, my mom had major issues about people presenting themselves when entering or saying goodbye. It would totally piss her off if someone didn't. Needless to say, it's hard for me to enter or leave the office without greeting the people I am 40 feet from for 8+ hours per day. But, do as the Romans do, no?

My office is a disaster. It seems that my predecessor never filed anything and recycled and/or purged even less frequently. He was in his position for more than 3 years. I have had to clean up a bit - the clutter makes me feel claustrophobic. Three days of reading, reviewing, and organizing for 8 hours per day last week, and there's still the better part of a week's worth of work to be done to get it semi-functional- I'll post a photo of how things looked at the end of the first week in a couple of days. The process has been good in that I have read things that were private. Cards, draft emails, etc. This may very likely give me a bit of an edge in developing good boundaries with the people that I have to develop working relationships with. I've seen into the eye of the storm, and am somewhat armed, so to speak.

I've got lots of work on my plate already. It doesn't seem like it's going to be a difficult job in terms of the actual work I'll be doing - once I understand all that needs to be done. It's just that it's not been done for a while so I have a bunch of catching up to do. It's going to take a while.

I haven't personalized my office at all. I'm thinking that I may not. I'm thinking that the photo of Hubbie and Won and any other personal items will be kept in my drawer... only for me to see. Maybe that will help with compartmentalizing work vs. home vs. friends, etc. and help me to keep my professional distance, boundaries, etc. what with the reportedly challenging colleagues and all. Hopefully those challenges will not be too tough to overcome and the workload not to heavy. I think I can do good things here.

Just before the job started, Hubbie and I had a long heart-to-heart conversation about sharing workloads during the second shift. After months and months of conversation, he finally agreed (begrudgingly, but I'll take what I can get) to pick up Won from daycare every day of the week! This has lifted a huge burden off of me - he's really helping out a whole bunch more in terms of kid care and household responsibilities (and I know I've got it pretty darned good in this department)! Turns out he was resisting (pick up) for reasons even he isn't aware of but doesn't want his family to be secondary to everything else in his life. It's such a tough transition, this whole married, white picket fence, and 2.5 kids thing. Sure am glad I married him. Some people I know don't got it so good.

Regardless of all of the wonderful things happening I probably won't be able to write and post as frequently as I'd like in the coming weeks and/or months. Working, compartmentalization, two year old, cooking, cleaning, sleeping and such might get in the way a little bit. But know I'm thinking of you often, and would love to tell you more.

The Upside

Is that Won fell asleep in about 15 minutes. It's 7:30pm and I'm still awake. That's rare.

Child Clearly Understands Who Is In Control

Yesterday, after more than two hours of fighting for a nap, Won was driven to sleep by Papi. It only took about 5 minutes at 65mph and he was successfully transferred into the house without waking, too!

When they got home from their excursion, I was writing my anger and frustration away, hoping that once I saw Won asleep, I'd be able to relax enough to visit with Papi. It took a while longer for me to get it out of my system (and I needed to do a few edits). Turns out in addition to refusing to sleep, he's now learned to sense any degree of affection which I or Hubbie intend to direct toward the other. And interrupts us.

An episode each of Charlie and Lola and Sesame Street were the order of the day after only 60 minutes of sleep (which, in my opinion, was nowhere near enough because he's only sleeping about 9 hours per night when it's normally 12). Hubbie talked me down - Won was beside himself crying for something - helped me realize that this was the only way we would have a few minutes to ourselves and that there was no sense in fighting it. Even though I completely agreed with him, it took me the better part of Charlie and Lola to relax. This is pissing me off.

I feel like the weekend nap issue is a major battle of wills. Won naps at school. Actually, Won lays down on a mat on the floor and puts himself to sleep at school. Every day of the fucking school week. At home, I can't get this kid to relax if I gave him the boob, drugs, or a really good knock on the head (none of which I would do, of course). I feel like I'm doing something oh so wrong here. We try to be kid centric. We try to keep him engaged. We try to keep on a schedule like at school. We take him to swimming lessons in the morning on Saturdays. We take him to the kid park in the morning on Sundays. We do kid stuff. We play playdough. We read books. We have fun. Obviously not enough fucking fun. Obviously not enough parental control. He'd never hit his teachers at school and refuse to lay down for a nap. But with me or Papi? It doesn't matter what we do - more activity, less activity, earlier nap, later nap, less sleep, more sleep - NOTHING.

It's reminiscent of all of the other battles that we have except that here I have no leverage. Its reminiscent of all of the other battles that we have in that I do everything in my power to stay in control. Take things away with no major inflections in my voice. Be clear and swift. Strong and loving. And approach every day and every occasion as if it were the first time. I think about my approach and tactics before the event. But with nap, everything I've tried: Stay on the bed and the door will stay open; Be soft and gentle (e.g. no hitting and/or kicking) and I will stay in bed with you; Or, if you hit and/or kick you are not invited in my bed, get out; Stay in bed and you can have that toy; and the list of preferred behavior versus consequence of bad behavior conversation topics goes on, but doesn't work.

So this afternoon I call my mom and ask her when she's coming to visit her grandson (she'd asked this morning if she could) and she says she doesn't know. I explain that we've been trying to get a nap for 3 hours. She says she would have stopped after 1 and gone to have fun. I explain that he's two years old and needs a nap or he's a jerk (as he's trying to hurt the dog in the background). I explain that he takes a nap every day at school. She asks why we don't put him in the car. I explain that he goes to sleep on his own at school. She says she's got to go.

I understand why some parents beat their children and why some children hate their parents (I am opposed to the former and don't want the latter). These are the days that I realize how much underestimated my ability to get beyond my stuff so that I could be a good parent and raise a good human being. That's just one reason we're not interested in having more kids.

My mom just got here.

Any advice?

What a Willful Beast We Have Spawned!!

Weekends are what we all look forward to. During the week, while we work - and even if we don't, that is. Only 4 days into my new gig and I'm already back into the usual 'can't wait until the weekend' mode. It's sort of what we're all programmed to do, right?

Even as a full-time stay-at-home-mom, I relished weekends . I frankly couldn't wait for Papi to be home and take over a little bit of kid-care, visit with friends and family, and to do a couple of fun things around town.

Why are weekends so damned important? Because we get to 'catch up' on sleep. Or that's what I did for more than 30 years before I had my little Won. Now, sleep on the weekends is for not. Well, that's not entirely true. NAP TIME ON THE WEEKENDS IS FOR NOT.

The little Won's daycare/pre-school provider, hereinafter referred to as "school", miraculously transformed my non-napper into a daily, routine napper. During the week he takes a nap at school at the same time every day, for several hours.

The weekends, however, suck when it comes to nap. The little Won fights and fights and fights going to sleep. I am so (excuse my language) FUCKING tired of it I can hardly contain myself sometimes. It seems like nothing we do works. Nothing. It's infuriating because the little Won always wins the fight. Little shit.

Here's how our weekend usually works:

6am wake, roll around in bed for a while
7am get up get dressed, eat breakfast, gather needed gear
7:30am, get coffee and muffin, take the dog to the park
9am arrive home or spend a couple of hours running errands, going to the kid park, having a playdate, going swimming at the Y
11:30am arrive home, eat lunch
12:30pm retire to little Won's room for regular routine of:

1. a fresh one (diaper)
2. conversation about the going to sleep process
3. several stories/books

1pm lights out
1pm-3pm attempting to utilize psychological warfare techniques to force him to relax on his bed long enough to close his eyes and fall asleep (he has never gone to sleep without me or Papi laying down with him). At night we use the house is dark, Mom & Pop are going to sleep, too, etc. routine but nap requires something all together different. What exactly it is, I do not know. The warfare techniques that we currently employ include:

• Allowing him to choose one quiet toy to take to nap with him;
  
• Creating interest in some toy, usually a stuffed animal, to use to get him back on the bed when he's on his way off:

"Won, it's mine".
"No, Mommy!"
"Won, you can have it if you lay down".
"Okay."

• Unscrewing the light bulb to the table lamp next to his bed so he can't turn the light back on in an attempt to stay awake;
• Using blackout shades to darken the room - in all of the rooms upstairs so no light seeps into his room;
• Placing a "child safety" door thingy on the inside doorknob of his room so that he can't leave his room if he gets off of the bed;
• Removing all of the child size chairs, tables, etc. that he can't move and climb up on to turn on the bedroom overhead light;
• Removing all of the toys of interest from the room;
• Providing sleepytime tea, water, milk, or other drink requests and allowing them to stay in his room for the duration of sleep time; and
  
• Pretending to be asleep regardless of any conversation or other physical manifestations of unwillingness to sleep that may present;

Sometimes that works but more often than not it doesn't. We're usually still at it after about 1.5-2 hours. And NO, skipping nap is NOT an option. Won is an absolute Pill if he doesn't get a nap - he runs around hitting the dog, kicking the cat, spitting on me or Papi, tearing the house apart. When he's overtired, no amount of playdough, stickers, fingerpaints, sand, or coloring will keep him occupied. He just runs from room to room being a freak. I feel I'm in a real quandary when this happens. Don't fight the nap and I have a child that with a little practice could be a real sociopath. Fight it and I want to commit child, spouse, or self abuse. But I digress, by 'at it' I mean, trying to keep him on the bed, being hit, kicked, yelled at and ready to lose my mind. WITH NO SLEEP.

Needless to say, I tend to get tired out by this process. So the physical manifestations of an unwillingness to sleep tend to win out. These manifestation include but are not necessarily limited to: breast groping, hair pulling, eye gouging, hitting (the face), kicking (the kidneys are best), and head butting while I pretend to be asleep. I do my best to pretend that these things are not happening but after two plus hours of figting it and trying to protect myself from physical harm while not moving (because I'm supposed to be asleep, after all), I often get really pissed, yell a little bit, slam a door and then let him get up (I know these techniques haven't been proven by research to be totally effective 100% of the time - at least to get the results I'm after). But I'm fucking spent. On the other days, after more than two hours of both of us trying, we try the car. My reasoning is that it's only for nap. Today Papi put him in the car and he fell out in less than 5 minutes at 65mph. He was so overtired that Papi even successfully transferred him into the house with no problem. These are not typical results.

The other problem with having no nap is that Papi and I don't get any quiet time together. It's really important that we get this few minutes of 1:1 time occasionally. Now that I think about it, Won is asleep!

Gotta go!

Weaning Questions

How long will it take for my body to stop producing milk?

Upon weaning, how long will it take for my breast size to reduce to pre-pregnancy size (or smaller)?

How difficult is it to get the body started again once milk production has ended?

Should I expect plugged ducts, leaking, etc. along the way?

Are there any other things to consider?

Happy Birthday Mami!

The little won has not nursed, nor had a tantrum about not nursing, since last wednesday (2/7/07). He seems to be over it.

Birthdays at his pre-school are quite a big deal. It's an all day celebration, in fact. The kid whose day it is is literally in the spotlight all day. They get a "happy birthday" banner on the entry gate to the school that has been lovingly decorated by all of the children, they wear a special crown that was made by the teachers and kids, they sit in a special birthday chair at the head of the table, they get cake, games, and just about anything else they want, for the entire day. The little won loves birthday parties, even when it's someone else's.

When the little Won turned two (back in September), I decided that if he didn't do it on his own, I was going to require him to be done with the Chi Chi's by my birthday. My birthday is in May. "Six months," I proclaimed to my Hubbie, "should be enough time for him to self-wean. If not, I'm going to force the issue." He glanced at me and asked "Why wait so long? You seem to be finished with it." I explained that I feel like it should be something he's ready to give up. Why force him to be more mature (or whatever) before he's ready? I want him to be confident that he'll get his needs met and if the boob makes him feel that way, then fine. On the other hand, I'm sick of it. So, we're going to start talking about it and by the time my birthday rolls around, he should be one with the decision. So, I announced to the little won and just about everyone in the fold: "When it's Mommy's birthday we're going to have cake. I'm going to make a wish and blow out the candle, and my wish is going to come true!" Somewhere along the way, I decided that my birthday may come a little bit earlier than in years past. But whenever someone asked me when my birthday was, I said that I wasn't sure yet. I never said out loud to anyone other than Hubbie and other breastfeeding-positive-friends-or-associates that I really want the little won to be ready and not be forced to give it up.

Since he's been doing so great with not nursing however, I decided that we're gonna run with it. Despite my concerns that he has yet to get his 2 year molars, that he is always soothed by the boob in the middle of the night when in pain or really sick, and that my job is going full-time tomorrow, we're going to have a celebration after dinner tonight. Two bite brownies with frosting on top. We'll top it off with a candle, sing happy birthday and remind the little won that now he's a big boy and that he doesn't get Chi Chi's any more. He'll say it with such fervor, I'll smile and give him a big hug. It's such a milestone, we'll take a family photo.

I'm going to get my tears out of the way now.

Two Days and Counting

I'm still feeling yucky. My stomach isn't treating me very well - especially in the evenings - and unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. The only thing I could surmise from the last two evenings is that at each evening meal I had a little bit (like a swig) of alcohol. Guess I won't be doing that again any time soon.

In addition to the crappy stomach flu (no pun intended), I now have a head cold that is making it hard to breathe. It doesn't seem to be the same thing that my Sister and Nephew has - and that my 10 month old nephew has been in the hospital with for almost a week now. It seems more like the crud my little won has had in his nose for a week or so. It's slowing me down a bit...

The good news is that my 2.4 year old hasn't breastfed for two full days! I'm not exactly following the prescribed 'don't offer, don't refuse" advice of LLL, but I'm not exactly setting the agenda for breastfeeding cessation either. Don't get me wrong, the breastfeeding experience has been difficult from the beginning and I've practially wanted to stop from the moment we began. However, as you've probably gathered from this blog thus far, I'm a bit conflicted about many things that this wonderful life has to offer. Well, conflicted might not be the best descriptor. It's probably more like too aware of and willing to consider all of the options and such. However, regarding breastfeeding: I've merely been setting limits as to the time and location of nursing. Not at daycare, in the car, or away from home. Only once per day, after we do blah, blah, blah.... He seems to forget his request once we are doing other things like getting ready for bed or reading books. And with no major meltdowns, either.

I am feeling very good about the prospect of having my breasts back to myself (and to my husband). I think it's because it's been such a difficult road (I'll sit and write about my pregnancy, labor, delivery, difficulties breastfeeding, and 2 years of postpartum depression some other time) . And even though this has been rough, the thought of the little won and I being separate in that sense is a bit sad. I know he is getting bigger and in some ways more independent. I have no silly notions that he will stop needing me in many other ways for a long, long time to come (I actually relish the idea that we will continue to need me in different ways for the rest of his life). He's not potty trained, he still sleeps with me and his Papi most of the time, can't get dressed by himself, or cook his own meals yet, and crossing the street alone is pretty much out of the question (you don't say, he's only two?). So despite my feeling a bit conflicted I'm glad it's been two days and wonder how this will continue to progress. I know it's potentially going to increase before it ceases completely.

I'll keep you posted.

You can get the image above on a t-shirt for your little won at www.tshirthell.com/babyhell.shtml

Current Terror Alert Level

How did you sleep last night?

The new gig starts tomorrow and I feel a bit frozen. There are a thousand and one things that wanted to be done before the beginning of this new chapter but life has gotten in the way.

The awful case of the stomach flu was so awful that I didn't really eat until Tuesday. That's nearly 3 full days without food, people. In my world, Food is something that is to be enjoyed at all times. I live to shop for food, cook food, and eat food. Problem is, the flu is actually still hanging on a little bit. Sometimes I can feel the food is digesting. I know exactly where it is in my intestines because they scream "NOOOOO!" and all I can think is "please, no more". As if that's not bad enough, the back pain hasn't gone away at all - what with fighting a two year old here and there to change his diaper and such. Ice usually helps it but not right now. During the day it's okay but not at night.

The little won's bedtime routine starts at about 7pm with lights out at somewhere around 8pm. By 12:30am, I'm off to my bed wondering, as I drag myself the 25 feet from his bed to mine, how long will he sleep without joining me to put his foot in my back, fingers in my cheeks, or sharp fingernails on my breasts? It feels good to be in my bed. I fall asleep pretty quickly.

He wakes me at about 2am screaming for something that I'd love to give but have no patience or energy for... "NO MOMMY NOT YOUR BED, MY BED!" I begrudgingly go to his bed. "NO RED BLANKET, NO MOMMY!". I begrudgingly give up my favorite red blanket that my granny made. Soon enough I can hear my sweet baby breathing regular breaths into his pillow. Every now and again he wakes and yells "NO, MOMMY!", caresses my face, searches for my breasts (which I guard feircly), and then falls back into his deep slumber.

Now that I'm awake, the back pain, stress, an overactive mind, a new cold that makes my nose full and my head throb, combined with the snoring conversation make it hard to settle back down to sleep. It's after 2am.

Eventually, I give in to the pain, go downstairs, find water and take medicine and warm up the heating sack. I climb the stairs and stand in the hallway between the two bedrooms, listening and wondering... Where do I go? I don't want to be groped and hit anymore tonight but I don't want to ask Hubbie to sleep on his side either. I go to the baby's bed.

My head throbs. My back makes me whince. I toss and turn. I can't get comfortable but I use all of my energy to listen. When I'm sure that Hubbie isn't snoring so loudly that it will make me focus on it rather than relaxing into to sleep, I head back to the Eastern King size bed that has flannel sheets, an oversized down comforter, and a warm man in it. I add to the mix a throbbing head and heating pad that has sweet smells in it. Once I settle in, I realize that my stomach hurts too. It is nearly 4am. Two hours to go before the alarm sounds. How many times will I wake between now and then? What will it be? Snoring, screaming, or singing? None of the above. The alarm never went off and it's 7am before the little Won tip toes into my room saying "Mom? Hi, Mom. Did you have a good sleep, Mom?" as if nothing ever happened last night.

Last night wasn't the first bad night of rest this week... The frozen feeling is likely a result of the rain and lack of sleep.

Tylenol & Toast

The list isn't going to get done. No way, no how. My diet for the past several days has consisted of water, dry toast, chicken broth, white rice, and Tylenol. Huh? The stomach flu and a bad back. Yep, it started last week while I was painting and reared it's ugly head to the point that I could not finish the project. Could not pick up the little won from day care, could not drop the little won off at day care, could not feed the little won, could not do anything. I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that it absolutely sucks to have such a flu when other people around you are eating delicacies such as sweet potato pudding, buffalo wings, asparagas wrapped in bread with parmesan cheese, gourmet chinese food, steak, amazing soup - you get the picture - while I'm stuck in the bathroom wishing that I could eat without excruciating pain as a repurcussion. Superbowl or not, I'm really hungry...

The good part of the story is that I've been getting lots of sleep and have seen a bunch of movies I wouldn't have otherwise stopped to watch. Hubbie helped a whole bunch. Thank God for him. Don't know what I'd do without him.

Gonna get to movies, more tylenol, and toast.

I am a Generous Leader.

While I was absolutely infuriated with my two year old who wouldn't take a nap, I took a time out reading random blogs and found this personal DNA link. I took the test and read about myself based upon my answers. I found the results pretty darned true to how I view myself.

Check it out at:
My Personal Dna Report

Paint Therapy

Unfinished projects make me crazy. Every time I walk into a room they just jump out at me. No drapes, holes in the wall, no door stop, a chip in the paint, only half of the baseboard in place. The thing that makes me craziest is that the unfinished project is that only because we lack time and energy. You see, all of the supplies needed to complete most of the household projects that stare me in the face from the moment I wake until the moment I slumber live in the garage. They call to me while I sleep - "please, come and get me, I'm ready to complete your project." If only I could learn the 'get by on 4 hours of sleep' technique. Then, maybe I would have fewer projects on my to do list.

My wish list of things to do before working full-time again includes the following:

• Paint Entry & Hall Upstairs
• Photos Uploaded to Snapfish (2.4 years worth)
• Research Childcare (closer to home)
• Research Refinancing the House (?)
• Swimming Lessons for the little-one
• Complete Emergency Preparedness Packs (this should be first on the list)
• New Eye Glasses/Frames
• Finish Organizing the Garage
• Post items for sale on Craigslist
• Refinish Desk
• TOM's Stuff

My job starts sometime next week, Friday at the latest. I figure that if I can finish the painting this week that everything except the desk refinishing can get done next week. I think it's quite reasonable. Look at what's in progress or already done:

• Paint Entry & Hall Upstairs (making good progress)
• Photos Uploaded to Snapfish (nearly 200 moved today)
• Research Childcare (nothing better and/or priced comparably) DONE
  
• Research Refinancing the House (not going to do this) DONE
  
• Swimming Lessons for the little-one DONE
  
• Complete Emergency Preparedness Packs (about half way there but no cash to complete)
• New Eye Glasses/Frames (appointment made) DONE
  

It felt good to be self sufficient today. And, if the way I feel about painting the entry the most lovely shade of Ginger Root Orange and being half way done with baseboards is any indicator of how great I'll feel with the other stuff done, I'd be willing to take a bet or two.

Stay tuned.

Stress Ball

Go to bed early, wake up several times throughout the night and have difficulty falling back to sleep. Wake up early, overtired, having had very strange dreams about being pregnant, and my dead dad. Spend my free days working on projects around the house - cleaning the rat poop out of the garage, organizing closets, detailing the car, painting the entry. Write endlessly (or at least think endlessly about writing) and get crap off of my chest so that it goes away. I need to spend more time at the computer writing so that this stuff doesn't keep me up at night.

I'm a stress ball because my job should be starting full time soon. It's manifesting itself as described above. Why do I do these things? I'm stressed about something that I have no control over but I insist on making myself crazy about it before it even happens. Trying to be cautious? No. Probably trying to control the world which I have no control over.

Freak.

Refreshing

My new employer offered me an opportunity to do some reading pre-employment so that when I have to take some time off soon after I start working, it can be taken with pay. It seemed to me to be a good option. I could do some prep work prior to my start date and also get my full paycheck when taking some time off. I could also get some of the itch to get started to ease up a bit.

The training has morphed into several hours of reading and meeting with my predecessor and supervisor. This isn't a problem as I've learned that my intuition and assumptions about relationships and work styles were correct. My boss has been a bit annoyed with my predecessor, who seems to be unhappy in his job, and I'm benefitting from that because we are discussing these issues openly and honestly. This entire process has been refreshing to me. In the interview the job was clearly stated not assuming that I, the applicant, had recently read the description and understood it in it's entirety. There were opportunities for back and forth discussion about what both parties needed and expected from the other if we chose to enter into a relationship and this has continued!

My supervisor has told me his m.o., the areas that he will be hyper-vigilant about, what pisses him off, what doesn't, and that he's always got an open door - even when it's closed. His style seems to mesh pretty well with mine. Even if it's different - I know where I stand in the grand scheme of the work I'll be doing and that is huge, in my book. I know this half of the equation and that means I'll be that much closer to success.

I'm also reading 'The Art of War'. Thinking about what I need to do to be successful. The issue is that I know what to do. The problem is that sometimes I don't know how to do it. Sometimes I know what needs to be done and and how to do it, I just don't want to do it - whatever it is. That's some heavy shit right there. And, if I do say so myself, a bit immature. These are choices. Choices that determine the future. Choices that will make or break a person. That's what I need to sit with. Decide 'what do you want your future to be?' and then act upon it. Like a grown up.

Three,

There are only three visits left with the Nice Lady - three visits that are covered by my insurance, that is. Interestingly enough, the insurance that my new employer offers, The Nice Lady does not take. My existing insurance will end at the end of February. My new insurance will begin sometime in February. I have seen positive benefits from these visits with the Nice Lady, my Husband and I agree that the conversations should not end. The Nice Lady has agreed to help me locate a new provider that accepts my insurance and would be a good match for me as I work through the issues that have brought me to her in the first place. Whew, I didn't want to have the discussion about not wanting to ask my new employer about taking time off once a week for an appointment.

There are parallels between my upbringing and my current state of affairs. I get involved in situations/relationships that aren't necessarily good for me. I see red flags, dismiss them, and get in over my head. Maybe I think that "it" isn't going to happen to me. Maybe I think that the "issues" won't be that difficult to navigate. Maybe I think that I can "change" the person. That last 'maybe' was the Nice Lady's thought. Not mine. I don't think that I can change other people. As much as I want to. My mother is never going to be able to be what I want her to be for me. My Husband is never going to be "everything" to me - at least not all of the time. Why expect that he could be, that she would be, or that I am so good as to be able to change someone else? It's never happened before. Why would I think it would now?

Maybe it's just the way I'm used to behaving. It's my "role" in certain relationships to 'make people see the truth', or something like that... I am a "know-it-all". I do always want to be 'right'. My way is usually better and if it's not, I'll make it better. When there are problems I want them fixed so that the collective we can move on. Problem is, not everyone is interested in operating in the same way.

Keep reading "The Art of War".

On An Island

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone on an Island.

I've just gone deaf, mute, blind, and insane for a second or two.

When I breathe and take a look around me, I realize I'm attending an Island party.

We all check out every now and again.

Some do it more seamlessly and effortlessly than me.

This is good practice.

Judgement

This nice lady seems to have been able to cut right through the crap and tell me about myself. Go, Nice Lady! In her estimation these problems are about my inability to judge situations and their likely outcomes correctly. This creates situations sticky situations and bad behavior on my part. Thus I get myself into trouble.

I'm really into the Truth. Omission is to some extent lying, in my opinion. I hate lying. I hate superficial conversations. What is the purpose of having superficial conversations? None. Why talk to someone about things that are meaningless? Why talk if there's nothing to talk about? Why get into relationships with people that you know don't have the skills to do the right thing, make good decisions, behave ethically, etc? Why stay in relationships (be it personal or professional ones) that don't fit with your concept of Truth? What about your early upbringing, family relationships, etc. has led you to understand relationships 'should' be this way?

Mom's kinda secretive. Not terribly adept at manipulation. She sees everything as Black & White. Fights to get what she wants and when it doesn't go her way, she walks away. Burns bridges. Never looks back. I guess that's what I've been doing to some extent.

Despite the fact that I don't want situations to turn out the way that they have and have decided that long-term relationships take effort that I'm willing to invest, when other people won't come to the table to negotiate, there's a real problem. I'm not seeing the unwillingness, inability, futility in the situation - I'm at least not acting on it before it becomes a problem. Actually, not acting on it quickly enough. I see the red flags, even note them. I understand the warning signs and yet don't act upon them. Maybe I just don't have the skills to manipulate situations to my advantage.

I don't know how to be superficial so I let other people get too close. When I state my case it's usually because I'm in too far over my head. The situation has come to a head. In order to not be incredibly mean and nasty, I retreat in order to get space, recollect my thoughts, and to give the other person time to come to their senses. When they don't, It's over. The intimate part for sure.

As a child, there was nowhere to retreat to. You had to stay. You kept your mouth shut or got a belt. I usually got the belt. And seethed afterward. Or risked getting the belt again. Which I usually got again. Never really figured out how to keep my mouth shut, opinions, and facial expressions to myself so that the other person thought I believed their way. Because I usually didn't believe their way. To play 'as if' was lying. Even though I'm an adult and know it's not, when I have to or manage to do it, it feels like lying.

This is really important stuff. This letting go of sorts, of having superficial conversations, saying what the other person wants to hear, omitting certain facts, of manipulating situations to get my way (or whatever), is necessary for my long term professional (and personal) life... But how to do those things in ways that feel somewhat ethical? My reputation and opinions of myself is built upon that of being honest, fair, hard working, loyal, and trustworthy. I don't know how to do the former without jeopardizing the latter.

In my house, you couldn't go until the adult said it was the time to. Either that or you were completely left out on your own to fend for yourself. I never wanted to be an adult. Never wanted to be the adult that used my power over children or other people just because I could. The power mongers weren't happy. I could see their eyes full of self-loathing. When she said it was time to go, she burned bridges and no one was allowed to look back. It was the only way to get something else. Something else always turned out to be the same wolf in different clothing. It seems like she still hasn't learned. Doesn't want to look back. That's where we're different. My willingness to look at the Truth and Work, no matter how it hurts, helps me to move on, get the things I want in my life, and keep them.

Interesting stuff.

I need to read "The Art of War".

Chosen!

Yaaaayyy! I got the job! Yep, the Executive Director called this morning and offered me the position. I accepted and tried to sound calm, cool, and collected about it. He said that there were a lot of really qualified people that interviewed for the job but I seemed to make the best match for the job because I seemed to understand the balance of work is aimed mostly at administrative tasks and my references were so enthusiastic about me. I explained that that was fabulous because the day of the interview I had a horrible case of food poisoning and wondered at serveral moments throughout if I was going to make it through the interview. "If that was you at your worst, then..." Yes, it is true. I kicked ass at that interview despite the fact that my ass was kicking me.

Good things about the job: Supportive ED, Location, type of work, time off, pay, benefits, etc.

Bad things about the job: 40 hours per week.

How to balance it all? I've really enjoyed the past few weeks with my family. Even my two year old hasn't been as difficult as he could be lately. He's been more maliable of late. I've been less stressed out. It's probably that.

Now on the home front we have to figure out how to manage the house and dog and real life. I think it comes down to me knowing and becoming one with the fact that it's going to fall mostly on me. I am going to need to be a good house manager and enlist the help of the entire family for what needs to be done. Here are a few things I know that will help: Hubbie can do the grocery shopping on his way home from work. We can go back to our excel spreadsheet schedule - switch off cooking, cleaning, and bed time routine, get to the gym, and do a chore a day to keep things from piling up for the weekend. We can start that routine right now. I have to get beyond being upset about having to ask for 'it' and just ask. Nicely. Without judgement. Give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. In time, they'll hopefully do what needs to be done not because I ask but because they know it needs to be done. They are smart, big boys.

On the work front I need to make sure that the home front is taken care of and that life there is as simple as possible. I need to develop some good skills for managing people that are difficult and remember that every relationship I enter into is a marriage of sorts. I'm in it for the long haul and like I said for the home front, I need to give others the benefit of the doubt, ask first, and not take it personally. I know this stuff. I can do this! I will do this! I was chosen to do this!

Up and Down

I'm feeling yucky today. It's probably this cough that is keeping me down. That and the lack of knowing about the job that I want and know I'm a finalist for. I had hoped to hear last week but I haven't. And I'm obsessed with when I might hear whether or not I'm being offered the position. When should I decide that I've not been selected? Should I ask the potential employer? When? How aggressively should I be pursuing other work? Blah, blah, blah. I need a job and we need the money. That's where the stress comes from.

Writing on this blog tends to help. I can get things out of my system and into the universe where it belongs. It means that the stress and inertia aren't directed at my loved ones or myself. It's interesting though that I find myself censoring my thoughts and typing. I have only told one friend about this blog. Otherwise no one else knows that I write here. That and if they did there are few things that could really link it back to me. It stems from being invaded so many years ago. That one is going to take a while to work through. That and I should work on being more vague and poetic when expressing my feelings about certain things. Hmmm.

Looking for a J-O-B sucks.

I'm looking for a job. I spend a majority of my day searching on-line employment sites, reading job descriptions and wondering if the job could be a match for me. Job searching sucks. Being a mother (and wife, to a much less extent) diminshes the number of positions for which I can apply. You see, most jobs, in the "requirements" section of the posting say "flexibility in hours worked", "must be willing to work evenings and/or weekends", "travel required 30% of the time", or something similar that essentially screams "those that have priorities which may in any way rival being a slave to this job need not apply". I've applied to several jobs though. And, I've had fairly good success - three interviews so far. I know for a fact that my references have been checked on two but I've not received a phone call/offer from either. I want only one of the potential jobs. It's full time, seems to be a good match, and meets all of the other basic criteria. Good hours, location, benefits, time off, pay. Seems to have a good Executive Director and culture. However, I'm in purgatory. That is the part that sucks. I want to be chosen, to have a job, to be contributing to my family's financial matters, productive, etc. All of those things I know myself to be capable of.

Despite the fact that I'm searching for work, I am feeling much more relaxed about life in general - I feel like I can manage it all at the moment. It's not going to be so simple when I am working full time, though. How will we be able to manage all of the things that need to be managed when we both are out of the house 10(+)hours (out of the 16 hours we're awake) every day (yes, we both do need a lot of sleep)?

Hubbie and I are discussing how to keep, in particular my, stress levels down once I start to work full-time. My stating that I'd like a housekeeper every couple of weeks, and possibly babysitter a couple of times a week, prompted him to tell me that he needed to bring me "back down to earth". Hmmm, I think I'm on this here rock but maybe we haven't discussed it fully. Maybe I haven't made my case well enough...

There's too much going on during the week when working full-time to do it all and I need help. Period. Help. That's what I need to make sure my mental health and by default, relationships with my family, friends, and co-workers stay intact. He contends that I'm spending money that hasn't been earned yet and that we have a bunch of credit card debt that's hanging over our heads. Yes and yes. It is money that hasn't been earned yet and we do have debt. However, I'm primarily responsible for transportation to and from day care, cooking, cleaning, shopping, preparing lunch, bed time stories, breakfast, bathing, dressing, grooming, etc. He's responsible for trash & recycling (once a week), picking up dog shit (which I've been told recently he resents), and keeping track of the finances - and he works a lot.

There's a lot that need to be done though. In addition to the working and other stuff we have play dates, dog walks, family and social relationships, and among other things, nap time (oh, yeah, my libido has been like it was pre-kid recently - where the hell does that get stuck in? - no pun intended). My point here is that even if we let it all go during the week, there is only so much time on the weekends to complete all of this stuff. If I have to do it all by myself I just can't manage to be happy-go-lucky too. I can do a lot but I know my limitations and expectations. I didn't do so well before and I want a certain lifestyle. I want to be happy and have the house clean/well organized. He's not in a position in his job to be the regular in terms of pick-up/drop off and by default, much of the other stuff. So, I've done my best to ignore and not be bothered by the "when you get a job..." comments (I just don't hear the humor in his tone).

Money is an issue (no shit, like it's not for most people, huh?). We only have so much money to last for an indefinite amount of time. I feel the pressure. I get it. Really. I do. But I'm the Mom. I'm expected to do certain things and with his work situation being what it is, I am limited to working during the hours our child is in daycare. 8:30am until 5pm. Unless of course, his job changes in such a way that he is going to be able to be a "regular" in some of the other activities. Which is not the case - especially if he moves on to another position, company, etc. Besides, I want to spend time with my family (stress free so that among other things, I can get laid, damn it) on the weekends. Neither of us will have the energy to do it all all of the time. I'm just trying to be realistic. I know what I want and what I need. I know our limitations and unfortunately the discussion(s) didn't go over too well. But we will continue to talk about this - but not until I have been offered a full-time job. Which, as I said, I'm searching for.

The Nice Lady said that she thought it was going to be "interesting to see how you manage it" once working full-time. Uuhh, that's my concern too and I'm trying to work it out now so that it's not a problem later. Didn't she hear me at our first meeting??? Yeah, she did. She's just stating the obvious. Time is all it's really gonna take.