I Feel a Nervous Breakdown Coming On

That statement has been uttered from these lips a few times over the last couple of weeks. It's one of those things that I preface or end with "If I don't say it out loud, it's sure to come true. This is just my way of keeping myself sane."

No extra time was taken off after the last post about needing more time off to get my head straight. We need the money and my job seems constantly tenuous. Work's usual Crap, being financially flush one day and broke the next, decision making based on emotion rather than a clear set of values or goals, and trying to have everything both ways is driving me absolutely mad. I have to fight to operate in a way that's consistently moral and ethical - as the decisions change based on who you ask on any given day - nothing is written down in a way that provides any clear direction. And I'm more than overwhelmed by the amount of work I have to do. I'm applying for a couple of jobs that look interesting.

I'm struggling with grandma this last week or so. I feel horrible because my thoughts and feelings are oh-so judgmental and not compassionate. She can't help her spinal fracture pain but I often think she's being overly dramatic. I hate that she uses a pillow on her back when sitting at the kitchen table. That she has to use the heating pad constantly and doesn't want to do anything but sit in the goddamned living room chair. It hurts her to move so she doesn't move and that makes it ever harder to move. She doesn't get the logic - her brain doesn't work quite right anymore. The doctor doesn't have a magic pill and I'm tired of having a 69 year old toddler whose needs I have to constantly anticipate. It's, as you can imagine, incredibly draining in addition to everything else.

We've been trying to talk about what is next. It's such a loaded conversation - on so many levels - but we are finally coming to terms with what the stress is doing to us. I've realized lately that my role in this family is to be The Matriarch so I'm taking the reigns and directing traffic with all of the force and power that the position demands. After all, it's what I do best. No more giving everyone else the space to do the right thing and come to their own conclusions about what's wrong and how to deal with it. Things will fall apart before that happens. Falling apart is not an option.

This body of mine continues to tell me to quiet down. My knee is still bothering me a fair amount if I'm at all active. The doctor ordered an MRI and suspects a torn meniscus or other cartilage. My stomach is healing from the appendectomy quite nicely but the constant discomfort I have in my upper right abdomen (think gallbladder) hasn't gone away. The surgeon ordered, and I had a test yesterday to look at that, too. I get the results of the MRI at an appointment next week and if I'm lucky, the results of the gallbladder scan via telephone today. Regardless of the results, I've already decided that I'm not having surgery again any time soon.

I'm doing my best to take control of my life wherever possible - and to keep my head above water. It's a constant process.