Growing Pains

A heaviness looms over me in such a way that makes me feel like bursting into tears at any time and for no apparent reason. This fragility is not my usual state of being; as my sweet kindred-spirit and much too-far-away friend B says, I'm usually one "tough cookie".

Wood is leaving for a business trip very early Sunday morning. Twig and I were originally going to take the journey south too but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like a bad idea; to be in a city for almost a week with only one set of friends (and a relatively pensive friendship at this point), with no car, and seeing Papi only for dinners. It just didn't sound like all that much fun. In the end I thought it would be easier to be at home in our own space - even if we're just the two of us... So I opted Twig and me out.

As Wood's departure looms nearer my level of for-no-reason-tear-y-ness seems to be increasing. As my daily routines engulf me, I am cognizant enough to realize that the tears are not of sadness that he's leaving. Really. I don't mind the time away from my husband as much as he minds the time away from me. Rather, it's the conflict that chatters in my body and soul lately.

I wanna go away by MYSELF!

(read that again and a the same time, picture if you will, an almost 40 year old woman with grey hair and reading glasses laying on the floor kicking, screaming, and crying just like a toddler in the throes of a hysterical temper tantrum over not getting her way)

It's not about his business trip, that he's going away for a few days, or that I'll be exclusively responsible for Twig and me for several days. Yeah, that'll be tough but not too much outside the norm. Wood is helpful but as of late (it feels like) his work needs are paramount to that of mine or Twig's - his family comes second.

The internal struggle is between me and my obligations. I'm oh-so-exhausted lately. I want to catch up on sleep, to have extra time - and have it filled with "extra curricular" activities in the same way he does! I want to know what my schedule is going to be, to do three things I want to do - even if it is work. I don't want to drop everything I've got planned (which is not too exciting - grocery shopping or cleaning the toilet) so that he can do what he needs to do for work.

The problem is that I've worked it out in my head that my job is to support my family - in whatever way they need. While I know that my needs are important too, I tell myself to set those aside. It's not going to be this way forever. To make it through, I internalize it all, get sulky, and self-medicate with coffee from Peet's and Twix candy bars from the lunch-room vending machine. I hold it all inside and then when I'm overwhelmed, I roar at them here and there. It's purpose being to allow room for a little more instead of exploding in one fatal swoop.

At the end of the day, I do see the effect. In my energy level, my husband's ability, and my son's family drawings. All I want to do is sleep, he expresses his feelings of inadequacy. Twigs drawings have recently taken on a new theme: his parents are sad. The roaring may be somewhat effective in the short run but in the long run it scars.

I'll continue to pretend that I'm not affected. Actually, I'll continue to work toward NOT being affected.

I will continue to try with all my might to address my gained weight, make and keep those weekly family appointments with the new Nice Lady, and to write here. To try and find more and better ways to get what I need too: to reduce the pressure and balance what we all want and need.

B, you and other people are right. My personal history overcooked me a tad and has made me a little brittle around the edges. It's simply another way of saying that I am strong and smart and fearless. Thanks for the reminder!

On the inside I'm sweet and gooey. Those are the tastiest parts. They're the ones that give you and me the strength to know and persevere. As tough as all of this is, I know we can do this. Even through the tears.