Living With In-Laws

I have a friend who, by choice lives with, in addition to her Husband and two children, her in-laws. She writes about the challenges of living in this arrangement on her blog which I regularly read. I glean from her posts that it's a tough arrangement.

She's a much stronger woman that I am.

My Mother-in-Law has been staying at my house since Saturday and I'm already close to the end of my rope. She probably is too. We don't communicate very well.

She talks around things. I make direct statements and ask direct questions. She makes assumptions about my statements. Example:

"Are you going to eat your cheese?" (it's melted on a tortilla on the stove, I'm in the other room dressing Twig)

"No, I'm all done. You can have it if you want."

"You're not going to eat it?"

"No, I'm all done."

"You already ate?"

"Yes."

OR

"You went to McDonald's again today?

"Well, I was hungry. So first I went to the ATM and it wasn't working and then I went to Subway and they don't have breakfast sandwiches, so I went to another ATM and that one wasn't working either.

"That's all fine and well. But, ummm, we don't go to McDonald's."

"But you're not listening to me. The ATM Machine wasn't working, and then the other stupid machine wasn't working, and I was hungry. And Twig started asking for food - what was I supposed to do, tell him he couldn't eat? So I'll tell you: I ordered him an egg on a plain English muffin, that's all."

"It's perfectly acceptable that you gave him food when he asked for it. I understand you were trying to get him something healthy. That's not a problem at all. The problem is that we don't go to McDonald's and DO NOT want Twig to go there."

"But, you're not listening to me. The ATM, I was hungry, I gave him..."

And on and on and on.

As you read in an earlier post, I wonder if she listens to what I say. And if she does and tries to put it in to place, it's quite clear that she doesn't want me to speak. Maybe it's how I say things. Maybe it's what I say. Maybe it's some combination. Maybe it's something else. I don't know for sure.

But, in all honesty, I get subtle messages from her that I should stop talking. So I do. And so does she. She doesn't talk to me. Actually, she doesn't talk around me unless it's absolutely necessary. She has gone so far as to talk to Wood ONLY when I'm not around.

I try to give them their space. To allow them to have a relationship without me there. Without my input (knowing full well that my input is going to be heard no matter what). I try to have a relationship with her without Wood there. I call her on weekends. I have Twig call her on weekends, so that they can have a relationship (which is hard for a child when the person lives at the other end of the largest state in the Union). That works when our relationship is over the phone.

When we're all in the same place though, it's hell. I hate it and know: what we're doing now isn't working and she's not going to talk to me about it.

She has confided in Wood that she's depressed and has a low self-confidence. But I am not responsible for that. It's exceptionally difficult for me because she's like my Mom in many ways.

Here, as in relationships with my parents, I'm going to have to be the grown up. That sucks. I've been parenting my Mom for the better part of my life and now I have to parent my Mother-in-Law, too?!

Arrgghhh!

I'm willing to do it. I want Twig to learn how to behave. I'm doing this for him as much as for Me, Wood and Grammie. I just don't know what to say, how to say it, or when.

I think I just need to take a deep breath and do it!