Whoa, Nellie!

Oh, my today was a challenging, busy day. Actually, it's been a challenging, busy week. No, make that a month (or more).

Hubbie is, on very short notice, out of town this weekend at his aging, ailing mother's request, helping to clean her apartment of it's sundry items so that she doesn't get evicted for her not-so-well hidden from her landlord when they came in to inspect smoke detectors hoarding tendencies. She doesn't want me to know that this is an issue but if Twig's any indicator - When I told him that Daddy had to go to LA to visit Grammie and help her with some things for the weekend, his response was "You mean to help her throw things away and clean her apartment?", um, yeah, nobody knows...

Last week was a long weekend, I had a 100% free day (hubbie was working and Twig was in school), so I spent it cooking. All day prepping vegetables from our food box for the following week. Joyous times bee-bopping in the kitchen, doin' my thang. But with really swollen ankles/feet in the evening. And that evening we went to visit some friends for a get together - dinner and Olympic opening ceremonies - while the food, wine and company were excellent, the ceremonies started so late that we didn't get to watch more than about 10 minutes before we had to leave, already an hour and a half past Twigs bed time. Needless to say the next day he woke up earlier than usual unable to go back to sleep. And although he had a huge breakfast that morning, he was less than himself for the rest of the day. Ballet class found him not able to really focus on the teachers instruction. While focus is a tad bit of a "problem" for him under normal circumstances, he was in an extra special place that day. So Sunday I let him sit in front of the TV for most of the day and was not displeased when ballet/tap class (yes, he's willingly taking two ballet classes) was cancelled. I hadn't cleaned the house in a few weeks. Monday was another holiday. Despite the playdate, he melted when we tried to get me some new running shoes. Hubbie melted too. It was all in all, a really bad scene. Much of the week has been difficult. Is he still overtired? Hell if I know. But probably so.

The previous weekend we went snowboarding (spent a small fortune and had a fabulous time) but leaving on Friday and coming home on Sunday leaves little time for things like laundry and lavatory duty). Oh, lest we forget about the fact that the slopes kicked my lily-white ass and I was effing beat. There was no energy to be mustered to do things like clean after snowboarding and traveling or before going to work.

The week before that I'm sure we were busy too... observing a real serious pre-ballet program in the City. One that he can start in the fall (the boy wants to dance the Nutcracker - yes, he's 5 and he has such lofty goals), helping one of Hubbie's friends by taping the boy to be on a pop up "no-no, that's a dangerous web site" video for their company, eating out as a treat, birthday party for the twins of friends we haven't seen in oh-too-long, Sunday Ballet/tap, and then fun with the French - whom, by the way, we adore and spend far to little time with because they live in Berkeley and that's oh, so freaking far away!

But back to today, this week, this weekend... Is Mercury in retrograde? I mean shit-fuck-piss-son-of-a-bitch, it seems like everything that I need to do is dependent on another person in some way, shape, or form, and damn if they aren't doing their part. All I do is spend time managing people and projects that I shouldn't have to manage. Okay, that's not totally true, but it really feels like people aren't taking seriously the work that they need to do for me. And I'm being forced to fight really hard to get them to do their stuff so that I can get my stuff done. And even when it is done I still have to fight, or find workarounds, or generally work harder because everyone else around seems to have found ways to work less, take less responsibility, and be okay with doing "what we can", or... OR?

My blood pressure was sky high today. Not because of any one thing. It was simply the culmination of many things; the many "fights" that happen at work, at home, in my head, while driving down the street, in my husband's head, that have just piled up. But now, more than ever, I am feeling very vulnerable.

Budget issues at the State and Federal levels do threaten my agency. And while my program is a main function of why the agency exists, my position is expendable (and my boss has reminded me that he held a position exactly like mine so he could take it over quite easily if needed). I don't want to be expendable or vulnerable so I feel as if I have to work harder than ever to make my worth known. I'm swamped catching up, cleaning up, and making things up as I go along.

Hubbie is struggling more than ever with his work, his health, his overcommitted calendar and he's not in a good space. Having to be responsible for his mom's problems doesn't help matters much. I had the most horrible dream of him having a long standing affair with someone at work that I had met and spent time with on several occasions. And my reaction in the dream was exactly like it was toward my high school boyfriend who cheated - with the girl that had introduced us and whom I called my best friend. It was petulant, angry, and inconsolable. And it was a dream that seemed to last forever.

The putting out fire mode, being in situations that do not allow me the time and space I need to be able to act "appropriately", is not where I like to be. And yet, it's always been there where I've been able to thrive. In a crazy kind of way, being in chaos has always fueled me to move. The movement was simply a cover, a way to deflect the shit that was being thrown at me. Trouble is, I don't like, have never liked chaos - or crazy - at all. So, I moved forward: succeed at or at least appear to be living a socially acceptable, normal life and sooner or later the craziness seems odd, and the internal compass "you can become anything, make your life, your relationships, anything you want them to be", "you are not bound to follow the destiny your makers have set for you" is automatic, innate, normal. Except when the chaos is overwhelming and uncontrollable; like it's been this month, this week, this day. When it's like this, it's not that easy to stay out of the momentum because it becomes muscle-memory-familiar and I simply respond in muscle-memory-familiar ways. Auto pilot. Fire dancing.

I think I need to keep exercising, keep running, keep focused on those things that make me physically strong. But I also need to be more mentally/psychically strong. I do believe I need learn to slow down and quiet the chaos in my head. To meditate.

Goodness knows staying up past 11pm isn't going to help!!! G'night y'all! And thanks for reading.