Beginners Mind

Yesterday I felt vaguely sad and slightly fragile. In the morning, Twig cried uncontrollably about not being able to take his baseball glove to school. We were running late to meet our deadlines and it weighed on me. As we meandered in the car along our usual path, he began to talk about Nemo again. He's very scared about Nemo going to the boat and even more scared about his Dad not being able to find him. Since we watched the movie, he now says "Don't go, Mommy". It's always in the context of our parting. It makes my insides flutter the way they did when I was a kid. It feels kinda like a tickle but it's really deep emotional anguish. He's two years old and as hard as I try to explain things to him, it's just not adequate. How do you express to your child that if they were ever lost you'd never stop searching for them? How do you tell them that if they were lost it would consume you possibly to the point of your own demise?

Today I feel very sad and extremely fragile. The day began with a mini-argument in the shower. That hurt-feeling hit my belly just moments later. Tears ensued in the hallway, during cereal, whilst dressing Twig. There is no consistent place or time that is easy any more.

My back hurts. My waistline is growing by the day. I miss Hubbie, Twig, and my former life. Old difficult patterns are beginning to re-emerge - again. All I want to do is sleep. I know what needs to be done and yet I feel consistently unable to be in charge and do it. I feel like a child trapped in an adult's body and that sucks because all I ever wanted when I was a child was to be a grown up, in charge of me and the goings on around me. I figured there would be less suffering. I figured wrong.