On Becoming A New Woman

When I got knocked up, I became a New Woman. Literally - physically, psychologically, and emotionally - even to myself I was unrecognizable from the person that I had been for 35+ years prior to being pregnant.

As the baby grew within me, the transformation of my Self became clearer to me and everyone around me. My body was absolutely different than it had ever been. In the early months I couldn't eat and lost 20 lbs. I was astonishingly tired and wanted only to sleep. During the middle point of gestation, the only thing that tasted good was Ben and Jerry's Toffee Heath Bar Crunch - to the tune of 2 or more pints a day. By the end of the pregnancy, I had gained 50 lbs (from my original weight, so I had gained more like 70lbs) all of which was retained water in my feet. I was fat, couldn't move very fast, and oh, how my feet hurt.

The physical changes were one thing. Getting fat and losing my mobility was hard, don't get me wrong. But, in hindsight, the psychological changes were more intense. As soon as my period was late, I took pregnancy tests. My period has never been more than a day or two late so by the end of week one and at least that many negative EPT's, I was pretty sure that Wood had done the deed. As soon as my childhood dream of being pregnant and becoming a mommy had begun to come true, I wondered if it was the right thing to do, if it was what I really wanted. During that entire week of negative EPT's I wondered, "Is this my chance to change my mind? It is, after all, such an awsome responsibility to be a parent. We could be happy without children".

When the EPT finally came back positive, I was downright flipped out. I had more than a week to think and stress about it, my hormones were wacked, out and I didn't even know it! Every single one of my previously "fixed" issues (and especially the ones still lurking) reared their ugly heads and I was a fat, D Cup, pimple faced, isolated 10 year old with zero self esteem. Not an ounce of self esteem or confidence in my ability to be a good person, a good wife, or good worker, let alone a good parent.

I cried my eyes out like never before on Wood's shoulder not too long after the EPT was positive and he looked at me with a bit of worry. He reassured me, told me that we had a while to prepare. That it would be okay. Even if he was worried, he didn't let on. I wanted so badly to be excited but I was so tired that I couldn't muster the energy to be. And when I'm tired (pregnant or not) life seems oh, so out of control and impossible. On even the best of days I tend to focus on and ask the really tough questions. On my worst, this natural inclination is intensified by about 50. All throughout my pregnancy, I wondered, (honestly when I'm overtired I sometimes still wonder) who I am to think that I can be a good [enough] parent-person and raise a good human being.

Ah, gestation... When I didn't sleep, I ate Toffee Heath Bar Crunch, cried or obsessed about just about everything related to being a parent, or giving birth, or similar subjects (oh yeah, we were also purchasing our first home during this time). But in retrospect, it didn't help me prepare. Didn't make it any easier to transition. I didn't work any of it out. Just obsessed. And, for all of the people I had ever known who had had babies before me, even my closest friends and family, I honestly don't remember ever hearing about the hard parts of pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, or maintaining a marriage with a family. I honestly remember only the stories of the glowing pregnant lady, isn't it glorious, fabulous, such a miracle, 'you're going to be amazed how much you love your baby', you were born in 5 hours reports. Okay, I have always heard the urban legend: 'sending the husband to the store in the middle of the night' stories. But, I never heard anything even resembling my truth: 'wife-turns-into-the-exorcist-with-absolutely-no-warning-oh-fuck-who-did-I-marry-what-was-I-thinking' stories. When I did try to talk about it, I recall that people quickly changed the subject to the happier stories.

Wood and I had been married less than a year by the time I turned into someone he had never met before. Actually, someone neither of us had met before and someone we are pretty sure we don't want to meet ever again.

(3/20/07)