All In Good Time

Grey's Anatomy has become my drug of choice. Mind numbingly easy to watch because of all of the soap-opera sex and relationship stuff mixed with enough emotionally charged topics to make me feel connected to the characters and able to cry for absolutely any reason.

In this process of review and reflect there have been a lot of feelings - feeling sorry for myself then unworthy. Early in the week I felt suddenly brave (enough) to submit an unemployment claim and tell a friend that I'd been canned. I didn't sleep at all that night.

The anger piece hit pretty hard yesterday. Which is better than the crippling depression and isolation brought on by fear and self loathing. It's energetic - doing something is fueled by this anger. Make no mistake, I'm wildly depressed and cry in between the bouts of cooking or cleaning. But at least I'm cooking or cleaning or sitting with grandma and those things DO count for something.

Some day I may recognize myself the way I did before I delved into this marriage, cohabitation and parenting thing. Mostly the parenting thing. That's the time it, I, really became differently-capable, able to keep my high standards in only one arena of my life. Or perhaps when I didn't recognize and accept that a serious shift would be needed. Now I'm being forced.

I keep telling myself that I WILL bounce back from this better than before. I'll find my place. I will be brave and find my place again.