M A D

I just realized that my last post "On Being Needed" didn't get published. I believe I had written about all of the things that I want to do every day. How I wanted to exercise, write, spend time with my son, husband, travel. It ended with something like "Right after I make breakfast." That the post didn't get published makes me mad.

The fact that I'm living with my Mother In Law makes me M A D. Her wants and needs are paramount to anything else that's happening. Her need to eat. Her incorrect thought that eating more will somehow make her constipation better. The conversation, almost daily, that she doesn't need 2 breakfasts every day, that bread will cause her stomach problems. Her medicine, doctors appointments, dermatitis that requires special shampoo, the fact that we have to give her reminders to take a shower and wash her clothes. Her pissy attitude about those reminders. Her legal issues, financial problems, that she wants to go out and make new friends. The fact that she doesn't talk to us except to say "Yes" or "No" or ask questions about her medicine, food, doctors appointments... Please don't take this the wrong way. She is allowed to have wants and needs. But, her "filter" doesn't work correctly so "it" is always about her. Grr.

The tenant who we rented our house to stopped paying her rent a while back. We had to take her to court and spend lots of money to get her to pay. Thank goodness we have a friend that's a real estate attorney. But that's beside the point, I am absolutely infuriated about our tenant situation.

I got a promotion after three months on the job. My responsibilities are more interesting as a result, but the amount of work and level of intensity has increased significantly. Today a colleague put words into my mouth in a meeting where she was arguing that I should take on some duties that one of her staff people currently does and framed it by making it sound like it was something I was thinking about. She said "Well, you're concerned about x,y, z." No, I'm not concerned about that in the least. But I am pissed off for the way that you've presented it. It seems like you're trying to manipulate me in order to get what you want.

Wood moved to Portland last year in September. Twig and I moved in December. Grandma moved in with us in May. We just moved...AGAIN...to a bigger place to accommodate grandma and her needs. I hate that I don't have time or energy to unpack and organize everything because the day to day stuff takes a majority of my time and energy. I'm not the young whipper-snapper I once was - I can't read small print any more and I certainly can't push my body as hard as I did as few as 5 years ago (without severe consequences).

Anger has always been my go to emotion - an effective tool for channeling energy in order to change things, see forward momentum, be in charge. But I think I've reached the tipping point. I'm walking about my life in a daze - people call my name and I don't hear them until they've said my name 3-4 times. I'm mostly disorganized and can't concentrate on anything (mostly outside of work) long enough to complete a thought much less a task. I like mad. But it's not working. It is assuaged by crying. I've been crying a lot lately. Usually when I feel homesick or lonely, or when I long for people and places, things that were easy, comfortable, and familiar. Or when I'm awake in the middle of the night, watching TV. On the bus to work. There are times when I want to cry but don't. And other times that I don't want to cry but can't stop the tears from pouring out. I admit it, there is plenty of cause, much more than I've written about here, and I'm depressed.

Underneath the anger I'm mourning things that were; the things that are. Angry and the energy it brings makes me think that I have some control. But I know I don't. So I try to flow with life and what it throws at me. Going with the flow is not one of my strong suits so when I don't get to do what I want to do, or things get hard and I'm not perfect at [insert anything here] and mad doesn't kick in because I'm so tired, I get sad. I know it will not be like this forever. And while that knowledge doesn't make any of "it" go away, it gives me some strength, some hope, some fuel for positive change.