Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Down Time

I am sick, sick, sick right now. Sore throat on Sunday quickly went to my lungs (lifelong asthmatic who recently became non-compliant with her medication regime and walked 2 miles on Friday despite having for several days what was clearly, in hindsight,  asthma related back pain) and fever by yesterday.

When I called to make an appointment to see my doctor, in itself is a victory (I'd usually wait until I was sicker - like close to needing to be hospitalized sick), the receptionist said the next available appointment was on the 31st. My response, without thinking about it, was "No. I'm having asthma issues and need to be seen today." This is another victory. While I'm feeling and acting a bit cranky because I'm sick, self-advocacy is NOT a skill I typically posess when sick. My doctors know, because I tell them, that when I call I really need them and they need to be exceedingly simple in their explanation of what to do - to essentially take charge of me. I completely lose that ability when my lungs have gone fully awry.

I've been treated by a specialist for these lung flares over the past 10 years - this is the first time I'm seeing my new general practitioner (and I saw her colleague) for this. I was super scared of making the switch and the potential for having to take responsibility for my care. The specialist just gets it, lung flares are her daily business. For the first 35 years of my life, most doctors, like me, didn't get to know me much less my lungs, so I suffered more than I needed to for much longer than necessary.

When I was in the room yesterday, the doc knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me without any input from me. I love her so much for that. For getting it. For taking care of me when I can't/don't/won't do it for myself.

The powerful drugs she prescribed are coursing through my veins and helping me feel better already. I should be feeling like a superhero soon.

I'm reminded that it's important to be honest with yourself and your doctor about your needs. To communicate what you know to be true about your body and behavior. It's scary as fuck, to be honest and vulnerable. Especially when that bitchy voice in the back of your head is so effective at making you believe that no one else will try to meet your needs, so why try...

Yep. I regularly fall off the wagon and become non-compliant with my medication regime. I don't know exactly why it happens. But I'm working on that - figuring out why and getting/staying on track. I appreciate that my doctor('s office) is willing to be my partner in this. It's good to know I've got people on my team - all I need to do is say it out loud, to fully own that I need to ask for help with my lungs, food, exercise, whatever. For fucks sake, I can't do it alone and clearly this time lying in bed has been important so that I can understand this and let it settle into my bones.

No comments: