Sunday, October 19, 2014

Do Something for Yourself. Something You Love.

I've always been the one to capitulate to the needs of others, reinvent myself to suit their needs, to blend in, be silent to keep the peace. This is a problem for me because I don't consistently get my needs met.

The Nice Lady has recommended that when Twig gets incorrigible, mean or nasty, that I should leave and do something for myself. Something nice like buying flowers for myself (and not sale flowers).

It's been super hard to decide what to do, what I enjoy, what I like, and how to take care of myself. I have given up activities I enjoyed once upon a time, dropped ones I was trying to enjoy, and kept myself from exploring new ones. For financial reasons, mostly. But also because of space and time and family and work.


Since my temper tantrum last week where I sat in my fury and did nothing to make it easier for Wood or Twig to be near me - which I NEVER do (see first sentence above), I have felt closer to myself. 

Baseline self's almost second nature for me these days to continue to eat at regular intervals, own my anger and not allow anyone to talk me out of my feelings, and ask for help from a friend. These are not things that have come easily to me - ever - they have been hard earned even after YEARS of soul-searching and gut wrenching work.

Wood told me Thursday evening that the Dr. knew immediately that I was angry with him and worried aloud that I wouldn't want to go back (I had left to pee and they talked ever so briefly).  In this session, I was forced to SEE MYSELF and despite "what matters" being the (not so great) delivery mechanism, it pushed me in a way I needed to be pushed.

I'm proud that I didn't give up my feelings. That I continued to feed and hydrate myself. That I voiced my feelings and didn't let other people off the hook. That I called a friend and over hot cocoa, had my feelings validated. Moved past being angry. And began listing activities and interests that I enjoy or want to enjoy - ways to take care of myself and nourish my soul.

Listening to stories - Podcasts - Snap Judgement, Strangers, 99% Invisible
(!) Photography - graffiti (!)
Crafting - taking art classes

And maybe most important, having hot cocoa with friends.


Paula said...

How is it going? I like that strategy as a technique for changing the energy, changing the direction, making a priority of tending to yourself. Also, our 'fun items' are very much in alignment.

Peace to you my dear.

Wonelle said...

It's going okay. Been a hard week for other reasons - grandma nearly died of a severe e coli bladder infection on Sunday so we have been running like mad. I've been gentle on all of us because I just don't have energy to be anything else. Sorry to hear about your troubles, P. If you're in town, call me! Anytime you need an ear!