Sunday, May 11, 2014

Feelings oh-oh-oh Feelings

It seems like the primary feeling living inside me is sadness. I feel it so often for almost any reason - a television show, a kind gesture, a fleeting thought, idea or memory so faint I can't even conjure the image. It finds its way to the surface and before anyone knows what's happened the tears are flowing full force. They can be hard to stop.

Then there are the times I'm primarily overwhelmed. Suddenly, without notice, there is too much input, too much noise, I'm shaking and need everything to stop. I feel attacked, primarily at home, during simple conversation about things like what's for dinner. These interactions leave me feeling battered. It's like being afraid. Not the kind that is motivating. The kind that is exhausting and debilitating.

These feelings come and go. Some days I can power through the tasks on my list. Much of the time I feel weak. I definitely feel out of control. Not a reckless yell at people lack of control, more of an 'I'm not really sure that I can spend energy on anything except what's absolutely necessary and there's very little that's really important'. In this state its an 'I'm not in charge, I'm lacking a clear agenda, I'm close to unrecognizable, not sure of who I am and who I want to be' lack of control.

It's almost like a paradigm shift - a reevaluation of the value of every decision to do something, of every moment in time leading up to now and whether being productive, performing, or perfect is at all relevant. Because I feel irrelevant. And that's simultaneously the most freeing and discouraging feeling I've ever had.

My family notices these energy rifts and has taken to asking what's wrong. I'm not interacting with too many other people so it's not much of an issue. Time and space are what I need now. There's a lot of processing, reimagining, and stuff happening. I'm eating and sleeping a lot to keep up the energy needed to find and use my bravery.

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