Thursday, April 3, 2014

So Special

In the past two weeks I've seen a gynecologist, dermatologist, podiatrist, and a pulmonologist. I have special needs.

Severe eczema of the lady bits, fast growing nothing to worry about skin growths on my face, plantar fasciitis of the left foot, and  lifelong crappy lungs. I've got a lung medication regimen for which I'm often non-compliant. I start and stop and start and stop. For reasons I'm not entirely aware of. I've been pondering this - why is self care so difficult? Because I don't love myself, I shouldn't need medication, I'm lazy and forgetful?

My soul hurts.

Many days, getting out of bed is difficult. People are exhausting. Cleaning the house isn't important; grocery shopping, cooking and laundry get done only when it's absolutely necessary and even then begrudgingly. I forget what I was doing, get lost going to regular places I always go to. My mind wanders off unpredictably, words don't make their way to my mouth. The couch has a stronger hold on me than just about anything. I have many, many good intentions. Very little follow through.

I see what I'm saying and experiencing, yet, I don't want to try anti-depressants. The dance of getting it right sounds downright exhausting. I have more shame about the possibility of needing medication for my mood than for the eczema of my lady parts. And I have a lot of shame about my lady parts. I struggle with not being strong, knowing full well that white-knuckling it isn't working. Not working, not getting much in the way of attention for the job applications I send out is a blow to my ego, too. I wonder if taking something will help me feel like myself again, help me to manage life on a day to day basis or cause more problems and have negative side effects.

My soul has been here before.

Cue Grey's Anatomy and the insight I think I need. It doesn't help me decide to go get meds. But it does remind me to have a bit of hope for the future.

"There's a stage you go through during childbirth; it's the toughest part, its called the transition stage. You've been pushing so hard and so long you're exhausted. Spent. And there's nothing to show for all of your effort. During this transition stage it feels like you just can't go on. But it's only because you're very nearly there.

Transition is movement. From one part of life to a whole new one. And it can seem like one long dark scary tunnel. But you have to come out the other side. Because what's been waiting there, might just be glorious."

I'm definitely in a life transition. What's on the other side is unknown, scary as hell. I don't remember childbirth transition as Meredith Grey is talking about it here but I know I experienced it when I gave birth to Twig. Being stuck in fear. Just like now. I made it then. I'll make it now.

1 comment:

Paula said...

You will make it Wonelle, and it doesn't matter how (to me) just that you do. You do it your way, but survive, ok! I believe.