Saturday, February 22, 2014

Gone

Wood and I talked briefly about my feelings...no hot sex...in a strange feat of bravery I was honest with myself and him.

Every time he travels for work I feel this way. Afraid, lonely, jealous, and slightly relieved. Although the relief comes once he's gone and I settle into it for a minute.

This trip and the 24 year old Female Colleage feelings resurfacing highlighted something that I haven't given much air-time before now, and that is: I'm afraid that when he leaves he's going to realize, because he's someplace else, enjoying the company of new people, new places, new things, that he's unhappy with the boring life he has with me. That I'm NOT good enough or the person he really wanted.

After however many years it's been that we've known each other - almost 15 - I've become used to our life together. I've settled in and that's usually when it gets taken away - when I really care. When I really care, I'm helpless, I'll be really seen for the fraud I am, I'll screw it up because I'm so damaged and nobody wants me for the True Me.

My Facebook-Friend list is significantly large but it's deceptively so. Most of the people there are, at best, acquaintances. Don't take this wrong, I feel something for each one of them but it's more of a psychic, spiritual connectedness-to-the-universe feeling. Not, 'I'm there for you every day and understand you' kind of connectedness - my circle is Wood and Twig. I want more than just them but the idea of just them or them plus others is constrictive and frightening. It's being in relationship with others that's difficult for me.

People have become tiring. Actually, when I think about it, I've always needed a lot of down time, being left alone to my thoughts, to recharge through absence of input. I never fully learned how to maintain my Self in the midst of other people. I get pulled in too close and then tear myself away because it's all I can think to do to not become completely engulfed.

I know that I can take care of myself. Even when Wood's gone. More importantly, when he's here. He will come back to me. I will let him - I will greet him with an open heart. Someday, when he doesn't, I'll long for the love he has shown me through the years.

Que sera sera.

1 comment:

Paula said...

The last paragraph went straight to my heart. Oh Wonelle. That is painful. From where I sit, it was amazing bravery to reveal your feelings when you feel so vulnerable. Peace today sister.