Wednesday, January 29, 2014

An Order and Permission

It's been more than a month since I've thought to post. Well, I've thought about it. But clearly, this is the first I've stopped and used my thumbs to write words and string together sentences (that aren't cover letter and resume related).

Off in a cloud, my world had been both upside down and dream-like. Clothes sit in a poorly organized and hardly folded pile atop my dresser. Too small to wear, ignoring their existence seems all the energy that can be mustered for them. My days are mostly my own. Wood has taken on the morning routine, getting Twig off to school. Baseline is possible most days but I've also been very, very tired. I give in to my body and mind. Napping is glorious!

Grappling with what I was as opposed to what I am or what I want to be is the order of the day and it's painful, heart wrenching stuff. I am not the person I wanted to be. Not the person I thought I'd be.

My Nice Lady (and a child psychologist that I'll call 'Nice Man'), upon hearing the struggles to get my child to be a civil, participating member of the household have suggested, quite directly, that I need to let go. Of caring, expectation, demonstrating displeasure for failed responses, of getting stuff done, of offering or being of service. And when things get out of hand, I have been given permission to leave. To Go Have Fun. With my husband if the circumstances warrant.

"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."

That is my mantra. I'm scared but in the throes of it. It's time to learn the lesson, not just master the assignment.

Finally, after a lifetime of distancing myself I no longer want to be distanced. Especially from the people I care about most. And yet, here I am. Forced into learning self-preservation, yet again.

1 comment:

Paula said...

Wow, Wonelle, a directive to let go from 2 sources plus permission to have fun! I really like it. I like it but it sounds uncomfortable. Learn as we go, every day. But this feels like a big new chapter for you. I'm sitting here, believing in you.