Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Escape

The public library. I found my way there yesterday with the intention of getting "When Things Fall Apart" and a couple of books on tape for grandma.

I walked out without the book I wanted but with two novels for myself and two books on tape for grandma. The book I was looking for isn't available at the branch I went to (better parking) and the downloadable kindle version is out on loan. I put a hold on it and don't mind. Fiction is what I crave right now - someone else's story to get lost in.

Twig was off of school today because of weather. The "weather" here is hilariously tame so funny that kids are out for no real good reason. I tried to make it a good day, really, I DID. But this boy is so busy and I'm so tired. Depressed. Unfocused. Short tempered.

We played Connect Four, I submitted a job application, had a pulmonary appointment, let him decide what to make for dinner (such a relief to not have to choose, plan AND prepare), shopped together and made it together, too. Enchilada Casserole, rice, salad, and a key lime pie.

I forgot about the appointment and showed up late. And cried like a real depressed person in the office. In part because being on all day with Twig was hard and we had a bunch of tussles (he's so oppositional and that doesn't mix well with down-on-yourself), and in part because I'm, well, depressed.

I didn't quit the Nice Lady after all, either. Which is such a good thing. She's awesome. Although Alanon came up. Again. I just laughed when she brought it up. When anti-depressants were discussed, I told her how I feel like I need them, but feel more averse to them, and probably won't go that route because I'll get through this, too. Perhaps I need a litmus test to help me decide that enough is enough and the amount of time will be too great - that I should wait no longer.

Center is what I'm trying to find. My own internal compass that guides me through the good and bad. I had it once and miss it.

1 comment:

Paula said...

And while you are looking, the library is a great place to go. How does Wood support you while you are treading this water? It can be really hard to support the depressed one that you love. I suck at it. Have you seen hyperbole and a half? She is awesome. Seriously.

I'm glad you have your alanon loving nice lady to share with. I hope she is helping you.

Sending you loving goodness from my heart.